by Jemma Forte
‘And how are you? Are you OK? You must be exhausted trying to juggle everything.’
‘I’m fine,’ he said, smiling at her in such a way that made his eyes crinkle up at the sides. In that instant he looked so devastatingly attractive that Jessica felt a huge pang of longing. ‘I’m just so sorry I haven’t had any time to take you out, or even just see you for a drink on our own. You’ve probably given up on me altogether by now.’
‘No,’ replied Jessica, blushing.
‘Really? Well, that’s good because you always seeing Pam when I do happen to be free is starting to make me think you’ve gone off me.’
‘Look,’ she said, not wishing to dwell on her lies for too long, ‘you might not be in the mood, but how about doing something now? I mean, I know it’s late but –’
‘Sure,’ interrupted Paul, looking surprised but really pleased. ‘Brilliant. Definitely. So what do you want to do? It’s probably a bit late to go and eat now, unless you want to, that is?’
‘Oh, no, I’m fine. It’s ten thirty already and I had that pizza and stuff earlier, but a glass of wine would be good.’
‘Great,’ said Paul. ‘Shall we go … somewhere near me?’
‘Yes,’ muttered Jessica, trying to look casual. Somewhere near me. Was it possible, Jessica wondered, that after all this time tonight was finally going to be the night?
They flagged down a black cab outside on Wood Lane and the minute she’d slumped into the black leather seat, Jessica realized just how exhausted she was. Studio days consisted largely of running around and her feet and legs were aching, crying out for a warm bath.
‘Paul?’
‘Yes?’
‘Do you think maybe we could just get a bottle of wine and go to your place instead? It’s just I’m so tired I don’t think I could handle a noisy bar right now, and I haven’t seen you for so long. It would be nice just to talk and catch up, somewhere we can actually hear each other,’ she added, having decided that tonight might be a good time to finally come clean about everything. A confession was long overdue after all, plus she hadn’t forgotten the promise she’d made to him all those weeks ago to tell him what was wrong.
Paul kissed her lightly on the nose. ‘Talking’s not all we need to do,’ he said, and Jessica felt a strong twinge of desire.
‘And by the way, I’m really sorry that I’ve been so self-absorbed recently,’ he added, putting an arm around her. ‘It’s been impossible to get you on your own and I realized you never even got to tell me what you were so upset about that day. Is everything OK now?’
‘Um …’ she said, enjoying the feeling of his arm around her. It felt nice and comforting. Reassuring. Then he stroked her face, which also felt nice. Really nice. ‘I mean, there have been a few things going on but nothing really important … I suppose …’ She trailed off. For as long as he was touching her like that she wasn’t going to be capable of anything more coherent, but didn’t want him to stop.
Now Paul’s other hand started to stroke her leg, which felt amazing and was even more distracting. In fact, before she’d had time to think about what was happening, Jessica found herself turning towards him and, seconds later, he was leaning in to kiss her. At this point all her worries vanished, and telling him anything suddenly seemed incredibly unimportant and almost absurdly irrelevant. Now the cab couldn’t get them back quick enough and, as they arrived at Paul’s, all the tension and covert flirtation which had been building up between them over the last couple of months finally spilled over. As soon as they’d paid the cab driver, they were kissing and pawing one another so frantically that Jessica was only vaguely aware of a black front door, of somehow climbing two flights of stairs and of Paul fumbling for his keys to open yet another door. Miraculously she was suddenly no longer tired at all. Instead she felt alive, like she was firing on all cylinders and, as they fell through the door, Jessica didn’t even have time to register much about the small hallway before Paul was kissing her passionately in the direction of his living room.
‘Luke and Kerry,’ Jessica gasped at one point.
‘What about them?’ Paul said breathlessly, kissing her on the neck while one hand ventured up the front of her top.
‘Are they coming back tonight?’
‘No,’ said Paul. He’d already checked. Luke and Kerry were planning on staying at Kerry’s place. Not that he was bothered either way at this precise moment. In fact, he probably wouldn’t have cared if they’d walked in right that second.
As Paul kissed her face, her neck, her mouth, Jessica finally stopped thinking and allowed herself to dissolve with longing. They tumbled down on to the sofa and he pulled her round so that she was on top of him. As his hands found her bra strap, however, she pulled away again.
‘What?’ said Paul, concerned in case he was going too fast. ‘Do you want me to stop?’
She looked away, hating herself for having to ask but knowing she would burst with curiosity if she didn’t. She simply had to clear one thing up before they went any further.
‘I know you told me ages ago that you weren’t … you know … bothered about Natasha, but I really don’t want to upset anyone so I have to ask. Would she mind if she knew that we were, you know … seeing a bit of each other?’
‘Which bit?’ said Paul, being deliberately obtuse.
Jessica blushed and rolled her eyes, feeling stupid.
‘Sorry,’ he said, smiling affectionately. ‘And to answer your question, no, I don’t think she would, and if she did, she wouldn’t have any right to whatsoever given that she dumped me.’
‘Did she?’ replied Jessica, amazed that anyone would do such a thing.
‘Yeah,’ admitted Paul, looking slightly sheepish, ‘which probably makes you wonder what’s wrong with me, but the truth is we just weren’t right for each other.’
‘Oh, right,’ said Jessica.
‘Anyway, do you mind if we don’t talk about her any more?’
Jessica just nodded her head, desire having rendered her silent. Then slowly she turned to find his mouth again, but this time controlled the pace of the kiss. Paul gave up unsuccessfully fiddling with her bra, mortified to have failed that mission, and moved his hands slowly round the front of her body instead. He stroked her breasts and she gasped as he did so.
‘I was supposed to be talking to you tonight,’ she panted, breaking away yet again, terrified by the feelings he was unleashing inside her. She’d never been so turned on in her entire life.
Paul stopped. ‘OK,’ he said, as he removed his hands from her top and sat up, straightening his T-shirt as he did so. ‘If you want to talk, let’s talk. Tell me what’s been going on with you. I do really want to know and sorry if I got a bit carried away. It’s just being around you all day every day in the office does funny things to me. In fact, there’ve been times over the last few weeks I’ve almost needed a cold shower and …’
But Jessica was only half listening. She couldn’t believe she’d just stopped things yet again, and something inside her was screaming at her to take the leap of faith, to stop analysing and to live. Telling him her stupid secret now might ruin things completely and did she really want to take that chance?
‘Forget it,’ she said decisively, sliding back on to him and starting to undo his belt. Scrabbling around, Paul willingly helped her out and seconds later he was in his boxers. Now Jessica could really see just how much he wanted her. She gulped.
Meanwhile Paul was absorbing every bit of Jessica, trying to imprint into his mind every single detail of this amazing girl who seemed hell-bent on turning his whole world upside down. He swallowed and for a few seconds they stared into each other’s eyes as if they could hardly believe the other existed.
‘Jess,’ he said, and his voice was slightly croaky.
‘Don’t,’ she said, and to his dismay her eyes filled with tears. ‘Shit, I’m sorry,’ she said, laughing at herself. ‘It’s just that I –’
‘It’s OK,’ he said,
seeming to understand that, like him, she was overwhelmed by what she was feeling. He placed one finger on her mouth, stroking the outline of her face before pulling her towards him again. They kissed and kissed and it felt so unbelievably right that they both would have been quite happy to stay like that forever, kissing, exploring each other’s mouths with their tongues, gently and then more passionately. Kissing had never felt like this before. He stroked her face, which by now was wet with the tears she was unable to keep at bay any longer.
‘Are you OK?’ he whispered in her ear.
‘Yeah,’ Jessica sniffed and they both laughed as her voice came out strangled with emotion. She was just so unbelievably happy she was finally here with him like this.
Paul twisted round underneath her and got up from the sofa, before bending down to take her hand, indicating that they should go to his bedroom. She followed him in, her eyes briefly taking in how many hundreds of books and DVDs littered his shelves, before he was kissing her again.
After that, all thought was banished, for Paul started touching her in a way that made her shiver with longing. Clumsily, he edged her towards the bed. Then, in a tangle of elbows, kissing, embarrassment and banged knees, they somehow managed to sit down at the same time.
‘Not quite like in the movies,’ he said breathlessly, grinning at her, her favourite stray lock of dark hair falling into his eyes. ‘Lie down,’ he whispered.
Jessica lowered herself back on the bed, feeling like a self-conscious teenager. They soon got into a comfortable position though and the kissing began again. Then Paul undressed her and before long both of them were naked. For the first time in her life, Jessica felt beautiful.
Afterwards, they lay in bed for hours, talking, listening to music and kissing indulgently. Then they had sex again, only this time it was slower and less frenzied, but just as mind-blowing. After, as Paul lay on top of her, still inside her, panting but reluctant to move, she laughed.
‘You look happy,’ he said, looking at her.
‘I am.’
‘Earlier, you said you wanted to talk to me? Was there something in particular?’
She shook her head. It wasn’t the right time and, a typical man, Paul wasn’t going to protest at missing out on a heavy conversation. He kissed her nose. ‘I’m so happy you’re here. I’ve missed you. I think you’re really great.’
Jessica grinned. Paul always had just the right words at his disposal until, it seemed, he really needed them, and yet a simple ‘you’re great’ meant so much more to her than all the over-the-top platitudes insincere boyfriends had heaped on her in the past.
‘What?’ enquired Paul suspiciously.
‘Nothing,’ she replied innocently.
Paul narrowed his eyes at her and she giggled. ‘Cow,’ he said, which made her laugh even more, just at the same time as a rousing guitar introduction was making itself known to the room. It appeared Paul had put together a playlist which included some of her favourite songs, a modern day mixed tape, made with her in mind.
‘If it’s any consolation, I happen to think you’re pretty great too,’ she said, burying her face into his neck.
‘Sure?’ he asked, holding her tight.
‘Oh, yes,’ she said.
‘Good, because I think you’re amazing, Jess. Seriously, the way you’ve come to England, to get away from a difficult life and start again. It’s inspiring really.’
‘Oh, I wouldn’t say that,’ said Jessica, dismayed. ‘I mean, I really wouldn’t say my life is difficult.’
‘You’re modest too,’ Paul added, smiling at her. ‘You wear your heart on your sleeve, and there’s no bullshit with you. You’re intriguing and yet I know you won’t muck me around. Modest, gorgeous, honest, funny, and you’ve got a great arse. What more could a bloke ask for?’
Jessica was feeling a bit panicky and wasn’t sure what to say, so was grateful when Paul answered that one for her …
‘Apart from an appreciation of the Smiths.’
31
It didn’t take long for the rest of the office to work out that Jessica and Paul had finally got together. Firstly, Luke found one of Jessica’s bangles down the back of the sofa and, secondly, their feelings had simply become glaringly obvious. As a result, Paul and Jessica quickly decided it wouldn’t do any harm to let people know they were an item and, apart from one or two bitchy remarks from Natasha, everyone seemed really pleased for them.
Jessica was so happy she made a conscious decision to cut herself some slack, deciding it would be best to keep the secret of her identity to herself a while longer. That way she could really enjoy these early days as Paul’s girlfriend without overcomplicating matters. Besides, working two jobs, nurturing a new relationship and making time for her aunty Pam was keeping Jessica busy enough without having to throw an upending bombshell into the equation.
To a certain degree Jessica was sticking her head in the sand, of course, for what she was choosing not to examine, but knew deep down, was that the second she’d cemented her relationship with Paul, the tissue of lies she was embedded in had begun to feel traitorous in a way they never had before. Not surprising considering how many new fibs there were to remember. There was still ‘who she was’, plus now the fairytale of an excuse that Mike had concocted for Kerry so she could look after his children. Then, in September, she planned on flying home for a party she couldn’t be honest about, plus she was still coping with Bond jokes and comments about her parents. ‘Being Jessica Bender’ had become a veritable minefield and continued to be so for the entire month of August. However, her dogged determination to let things lie coupled with her hectic schedule meant that, as the weeks whizzed by, the lies started to become her reality and felt normal to the point where she almost stopped questioning them.
Mike had ended up telling Kerry that he needed to pull Jessica off the show for a couple of afternoons a week, because the BBC needed market research on what young Americans thought of their programming. Kerry had fallen for it, but probably only because she was so distracted by Luke. Still, this excuse had meant that on top of everything else Jessica also had to contend with jealous remarks from her workmates about getting paid to watch TV and accusations of slacking.
Still, things with Paul continued to go from strength to strength and by the beginning of September their relationship had blossomed to the point where it felt entirely natural calling him her boyfriend. To some degree they were both still trying to keep things on a fairly light basis because they knew that inevitably one day Jessica would go home. But they weren’t really kidding anyone except themselves. They couldn’t keep their hands off each other and any time apart felt like time wasted. The truth was, they were crazy about each other.
However, on the rare occasion Jessica stopped to consider all the things Paul didn’t know about her, her head started to spin. Keen to avoid a scene like the one from The Exorcist, she decided something had to be done. And so it was that one day in early September, when the Bond show and her trip home were both fast approaching, Jessica decided to at least tell Paul about her moonlighting. Like a little light entrée of truth before she served up the rather more meaty main course. Sneaking off to work for Diane had become her favourite part of her working week and Jessica was sure that by now, as long as she ran it by her first, Diane would trust her enough to let her tell Paul what was going on. The other ‘Bond’ stuff would have to wait though. Every time it seemed like the right time to tell him she simply couldn’t find the appropriate words.
So, as yet another week on The Bradley Mackintosh Show drew to a close, Jessica found herself heading to Diane and Mike’s. It was one of those glorious September evenings that manages to be hot but also to have that first tinge of autumn light to it, making the day feel like the last bit of summer is being rinsed out of the skies. Jessica was booked in to put the babies to bed and babysit and had promised herself she would talk to Diane about telling Paul, whom thankfully she wasn’t missing out on seeing. He’d alr
eady arranged to go home to see his mum and his sister for a couple of nights. Lucy was much, much better and had even started college, but he had a script that needed finishing for another show and knew he’d be better off writing at home, away from the distraction of his girlfriend. They’d planned to see each other on Sunday, which would be the last chance they’d have to relax before the Bond special, after which she’d be leaving for the States. When she got back, they’d talked about him taking her to Staines to meet his family.
‘Hello,’ Jessica called as she let herself into Diane’s.
‘We’re in the utility room,’ yelled Diane. ‘I’ve been elbow deep in poo and wee all day.’
‘Nice,’ replied Jessica, smiling to herself. Diane always launched into a rant as soon as she arrived. Apparently it was the release of having another adult to converse with.
‘I’ve had a pig of a day which began at five thirty a.m. when Grace decided it was time for me to find her Buzz Lightyear stickers. Anyway, because Grace had got up so stupidly early, she was grumpy as anything so ended up having a tantrum because there wasn’t any Alpen, which made us horribly late. Though how I can be late getting her to nursery for nine thirty when I’ve been up since five thirty I shall never know. Then I was in Waitrose and Ava shat herself so badly the poo leaked down the side of her babygro, which was unbelievably revolting and that’s coming from her mother. They let me use the staff toilets but there was a distinct lack of loo roll. I’d just realized that I hadn’t brought any wipes with me either when I got a call from nursery saying that Grace had wet herself, they couldn’t find her change of clothes and she was currently wearing nothing but a pair of wellies and a backless apron.’
‘Sounds like great fun,’ said Jessica, who had been rewarded with a heavenly, gummy smile from Ava as soon as she’d walked into the kitchen.