“After all, the sooner you go to school, the sooner you will be on your way to becoming a chef and providing for Rosalia,” she had said.
Of course Madre Carmela’s words did the trick and persuaded Antonio to apply. As he had continually told Rosalia since he’d asked her to marry him, he could not wait to make her his wife and for them to embark on their new life together. He had applied to culinary schools in Messina and even Palermo in case he wasn’t accepted to the ones closer to home. But he knew that Rosalia wished to remain in the county of Messina. She would continue working in the shop once they were married, but naturally she and Antonio would find a small house to make their new home. At least she would not be losing the women who had become a second family to her ever since she had come to stay at the convent.
She took a break from her work and pulled out a handkerchief, wiping the sweat from her brow. A figure was making its way toward her. Antonio. She smiled and waved to him. He waved back. There was something about the way he looked at her. His eyes seemed to hold fear.
“Ciao, bella!” Antonio took Rosalia in his arms and gave her a long kiss.
“Is everything all right?” she asked him, pushing back the long wisps of bangs Rosalia loved on him so much, especially when they hung over his eyes.
“Si.” Antonio smiled, but she couldn’t help noticing that the smile didn’t light up his eyes as it normally did. She decided for now not to press him as to what was troubling him. After all, how many times had he noticed she was sad, yet let her be?
“Come. Let’s sit down for a bit and just hide from the rest of the world.” He tugged on Rosalia’s hand.
She laughed as she sat down on the ground with him, leaning her back against Antonio’s chest. She held onto his arms, which were now wrapped around her. They sat silently like that for what seemed like hours but was probably no more than ten minutes before Antonio spoke.
“You know I love you very much, Rosalia?”
“Si. I know that. And I love you very much.”
“And I consider you my family already even though we are not married yet. Rosalia, I know I cannot replace your family, but I hope in time you can come to think of me as part of your family. And perhaps . . .” His voice trailed off before he continued. “And perhaps that will lessen a bit the pain of being apart from your parents and siblings.”
Rosalia turned around so that she was now facing Antonio. Placing her hands on either side of his face, she looked into his eyes. “Grazie, Antonio. You have already done so much to help me. I already think of you as family, as I do the nuns and my other friends at the pastry shop. You have all shown me the utmost kindness and done so much for me. I don’t know what I would have done without all of you.” She kissed Antonio lightly on the lips and then hugged him.
Antonio held Rosalia, stroking her hair.
“I have something to tell you.”
She waited patiently.
“I have been accepted to several culinary schools.”
Rosalia pulled away from Antonio, clapping her hands.
“That is wonderful, Antonio! Of course, I knew you would be! Madre Carmela and I know how talented you are. I’m so happy for you!” She threw her arms around his neck, pulling him toward her in another embrace.
But Antonio did not hug her back this time. She pulled away. He was looking into Rosalia’s basket of jasmines. He took one out and smelled it.
“What is the matter? Are you not happy that you’ve been accepted? What is it?”
A thought then entered her mind.
“You were not accepted into any of the schools in Messina? They’re in Palermo? That is all right, Antonio! We can live there until you complete school and then move back to Messina.”
Antonio looked up at her. Instead of looking relieved, his face twisted a bit as if he were in pain.
“It’s not Palermo.” He swallowed before continuing, averting his gaze from hers. “I was accepted into Le Cordon Bleu.”
“Le Cordon Bleu? The school in Paris?”
Antonio nodded. His face flushed. Finally, his eyes met Rosalia’s.
“But I thought you had decided you didn’t want to go there anymore. Not now that we are to be married.”
“Madre Carmela thought I should still apply—if only to see if I would be accepted. As you know, she has firmly believed in me from the beginning. And—”
“Madre encouraged you to apply?” Rosalia interrupted him.
“Si. I told her I shouldn’t waste my time since we were getting married and planning on living here in Sicily, but she said I should see if Le Cordon Bleu would accept me. She said it would boost my confidence even more to know I was good enough for the best culinary school in the world.”
Antonio’s words did little to reassure Rosalia. She felt betrayed. Betrayed by Madre Carmela, who had encouraged Antonio to apply to a school in another country when she knew that Rosalia wanted to stay in Messina. Madre knew that Rosalia had no intentions of going far. How could she, especially after L’ispettore Franco had told her that her father had decided to move back east? She still believed her father was headed back to Messina and perhaps had had a change of heart and wanted to find Rosalia. No. She could not leave Messina. And to go to a strange country so far away, where she wouldn’t speak the language or know the people’s customs. She had come too far since the nuns had rescued her at the cave. She loved working at the pastry shop and learning from Madre Carmela. She loved the company of the women whom she had come to think of as sisters. Rosalia didn’t even mind the routines of the convent: waking up at dawn and going to Mass, attending evening vespers, fasting during holy days. There was a serenity and comfort in the established rhythms of the convent that she had come to embrace. And she credited the tranquil, stable environment of her new home with helping to restore her to health emotionally.
Rosalia couldn’t help also feeling betrayed by the man she loved. Why had he bothered to apply to Le Cordon Bleu if, as he had told Madre, it would be a waste of time since he and Rosalia planned on staying in Sicily? Palermo she could accept, since they had agreed it would be temporary and they would return to Messina once he was done with his education.
“Rosalia, Paris would just be temporary. We could still return to Sicily once I’m done with school.”
That was true. She hadn’t thought of that. Still. She did not want to go to Paris, even temporarily. At least in Palermo, she could visit Messina every month or so. It would be easier to get updates or to be reached if Madre or L’ispettore Franco received more news about her family. Though she knew they could just as easily send a telegram or call her by phone in Paris. But when she entertained even for a second the thought of moving to Paris, she felt her heart go cold.
“So you do want to go to Le Cordon Bleu? You didn’t just apply so you could see if you were good enough for their program? You never truly gave up your dream of going there?”
“I did. Please, believe me, Rosalia. I had abandoned my dream of going there once you accepted my marriage proposal. But I admit I feel differently now, knowing that they have accepted me. I want the best for us. I could work in the best restaurants in Messina, Palermo, wherever, if I attended Le Cordon Bleu. We would be so comfortable financially.”
“So you’ve forgotten about my desire to live in Messina. We had agreed that if you didn’t get accepted to schools in Messina, but were accepted by schools in Palermo, we would later return to live here. And I am supposed to believe you that Paris would be temporary? How can I trust you, Antonio, especially when you did not even tell me that you had gone ahead and applied to Le Cordon Bleu? You and Madre Carmela conspired behind my back and kept this secret from me!” Rosalia’s voice had risen now. Angry tears filled her eyes.
“Rosalia! It was not like that! How can you say that about Madre, a woman of God!”
“She is still human and capable of deceit,” Rosalia said softly.
An immense sadness filled her then. She was disappointed. Once ag
ain, people she loved and cared about had let her down. First, it had been her father for believing the lies in the letter Marco had forced her to write. Then it had been her entire family for leaving her. Now, Madre and Antonio had disappointed her, too. Could she trust anyone?
“Rosalia, Madre and I both love and care about you very much. She probably didn’t say anything to you because she believed me that I had no intentions of actually going to Le Cordon Bleu, even if they accepted me. And I did not ask her to keep it a secret from you.”
“But you kept it a secret from me. Why didn’t you tell me if, as you say, you were not planning on going? Deep down, you knew there was a chance you would go. But you were too afraid to tell me that. You knew how much I wanted to remain in Messina.”
Antonio closed his eyes for a moment. “I guess I was lying to myself. I was trying to convince myself I would be all right with not going to Le Cordon Bleu even if I was admitted. But, Rosalia, can’t you see what a wonderful opportunity this is? And how many doors it would open for me and for us? As I mentioned, I would be able to find work at almost any fine restaurant I choose. Would it be so terrible for you to go to Paris with me? I want you to be happy, so we would return to Sicily after I’m done with school. I promise.”
“I’m sorry, Antonio. I know how much this means to you, and it was a dream of yours long before you met me. I do not want to hold you back. Please, go to Paris. Live your dream. This was all a mistake. I cannot marry you.”
Antonio’s face turned ashen. “Don’t say that, Rosalia. You are overreacting. I won’t go to Paris. It was a mistake. I should’ve never applied to Le Cordon Bleu. Nothing matters more to me than you. Forget about this whole conversation. I will go to school here in Messina.”
Rosalia shook her head. “No. Do not sacrifice your dreams for me. You will always regret it, and you will become bitter. You will come to resent me. I could not live with that.”
“This is all because of your family. If they come back to Messina, surely L’ispettore Franco will come to know, and he will let you know. You don’t need to wait here for something that might not . . .” Antonio caught himself, but it was too late.
“For something that might not happen. It’s all right. You can say it. I know that you, Madre, and everyone else do not believe that my family is returning here. And if they aren’t, I know you all don’t believe I will ever find them or learn what has happened to them since they left Marsala.” Rosalia let out an exasperated laugh. “For women of God, Madre and the other nuns have little faith. They profess to believe in God without proof of His existence. Why then can they not believe that He will create a miracle for me and let me be reunited with my family? I can understand it more from you and the other lay workers at the pastry shop, but I would’ve expected more faith from the nuns. I can see it in the sisters’ eyes whenever I talk about seeing my family again someday; they look at me with doubt and pity. I am tired of being pitied by everyone, including you.” Rosalia turned her head away from Antonio.
“Is that what you’ve thought all along? That I pity you? Is that why you think I love you and want you to be my wife? Don’t you know me by now, Rosalia?”
Rosalia remained silent. Though she was angry with Antonio, she knew she was being unfair toward him. Her heart softened.
“I know you love me and are not with me just because you feel sorry for me. I’m angry. You have finally been honest with me about your wish to go to Paris. And I suppose it is finally time I am honest with you. I should never have accepted your proposal. You see, Antonio, I don’t think I can ever be the wife that you or any other good man deserves. I have been keeping a secret from you as well.”
Antonio waited for Rosalia to continue. But every time she tried to go on and tell him what she had wanted to tell him for the past few months, she could not get the words out.
“It is all right, Rosalia. I already know.” He placed his hand over Rosalia’s.
“You know?” Rosalia whispered.
Of course he knew. Just as the other nuns and the lay workers had known. She’d been a fool to think that someone would not tell him. People gossiped. After all, hadn’t Anunziata gossiped about Mari and the scandal in her past?
“I don’t know exactly, but I have my suspicions. I had overheard the townspeople talking about how the nuns found you near death by a cave and saying that it was obvious someone had abused you. At first, I thought someone had just beaten you. But when I met you and saw how frightened you were of me and any other man who was near you, I began to suspect it was more. Though we have never been intimate, I sensed in the beginning, when we kissed, even that was a bit terrifying for you. And then there was your admission to me that someone had hurt you terribly. Rosalia, you have nothing to be ashamed of. If I am right in my suspicions that someone violated you, I will kill that man if I ever find him. I swear!”
Rosalia saw the most intense hatred in Antonio’s eyes. It frightened her even though she knew the hatred was directed toward her enemy. She did not want more violence to occur after what had happened to her.
“Antonio, you are a good person. Even if you ever found out who hurt me and found him, I would not want you to seek retribution on my behalf. Don’t you see? I care about you because you are the very opposite of that man. You are all good, while he was all evil.”
She then cried, her shoulders shaking uncontrollably. Antonio took her in his arms.
“I will protect you, Rosalia. No one will ever harm you again. You have been through such hell. And then to lose your family. How did that happen? Did they not know what had happened to you?”
Rosalia then recounted to Antonio everything that had occurred: Marco’s attempt to seduce her while she worked in her father’s tailor shop; Marco’s anger when she rejected him; his kidnapping her and his abuse of her in the cave; regaining her memory and returning home, only to discover her family had left, believing she had eloped with Marco and was pregnant with his child.
Once she was done narrating her past ordeal, she said, “Now, do you see why I can’t marry you? I don’t know if I can ever be intimate with a man again after what Marco did to me. And I am . . .” She looked away, shaking her head. “I am ruined. You deserve a wife who has not been ruined.”
“I deserve you, Rosalia! And I want you! Only you, do you hear me?”
“You have brought happiness into my life again, Antonio, but I cannot be completely content until I find my family. Now that you know what happened, can you understand better why I need to find them? I must convince my father those were lies in that letter Marco forced me to write. I must let my family know I never abandoned them and went off with that monster. I miss them so much, Antonio. How can I go on living without knowing if they are fine? I will never be whole again until they are back in my life. That is why I cannot bear the thought of leaving Messina—even if it is just temporary as you say.”
“Rosalia, I hate to say this, and I’m not saying I am completely giving up hope that you will find them someday, but you must be realistic as well. You must begin to realize that there is a chance you might not ever find them or learn what has happened to them. You need to reconcile yourself with that if it happens. You’ve been through so much, and you have survived. Please, stop punishing yourself for what that beast did to you. I can tell you feel you do not deserve happiness because of how your family suffered in your village. You feel like you are to blame for your father’s losing business at his shop. And part of me even thinks you blame yourself for what Marco did to you—as if you could have somehow prevented it. Am I right?”
Rosalia nodded.
“Please, Rosalia. You can be fully happy again . . . with me. Maybe going to Paris would be the best thing for you. You can start over there. It might be easier for you to forget what happened to you if you were in a completely different place.”
“I will never forget! And I will never give up on finding my family! How can you even say that to me? How can you still try to convince m
e to move to Paris with you after all that I have told you? After I have shared my heartbreak over losing my family? You are just thinking about yourself! You just want me for yourself—like Marco! You are no different from him.”
Rosalia pulled herself out of his embrace, but Antonio held on to her arm tightly.
“Rosalia, you know that’s not true. Please, do not compare me to the likes of that demon. You said so yourself that I was the complete opposite of him. You are just angry with me. This is not how you really feel.”
“No, you’re wrong, Antonio. This is how I feel. I should never have trusted another man again. You are all the same. You only think about what you want.”
Tears slowly slid down Antonio’s face. “I will let you be angry. You will realize it is your anger talking. I love you, and I know you know deep down in your heart that I am different and that you can trust me. You are the one who is guilty now of not being honest, not just with me but with yourself. You are afraid. That is the true reason why you don’t want to marry me or even go to Paris for a short time. You are afraid of being fully happy again and of being fully loved again. You lost your family and no longer have their love in your life, but instead of accepting my love and all I have to give you, you are pushing me away.”
Antonio let go of Rosalia’s hand and stood up. “I will wait for your answer. If you realize you do love me and want to marry me, I will go to school in Messina. It would not be a sacrifice for me because you are what I want most. But I will not force you to do something against your wishes because no matter what you say, I am not Marco.”
Antonio walked briskly away. Rosalia watched him. Part of her thought about running after him, but her legs felt leaden. Though her heart was breaking as she watched his figure move farther and farther away, she would not chase him. No. She would let him go.
22
Torta al Mandarino
TANGERINE CAKE
Rosalia's Bittersweet Pastry Shop Page 27