by Alice Tribue
“Can’t you make payments?”
“I have; I’ve given them money.”
“How much did you give them?”
“I gave them all the money we got for the wedding.”
“Oh, my God, that was over thirty thousand dollars.” I whisper it because I can barely breathe, barely move. “What have you done? Did that even make a dent in the debt?”
“Not really.”
Luca warned me that Tyler has a problem, but I didn’t understand. He told me to be careful, but I didn’t know what he meant and now—now it all makes sense. Suddenly, the blinders are off and everything becomes crystal clear, and with that new clarity, all I can feel is anger and betrayal.
“You were never giving Luca a ride home the morning after our wedding, were you? You were going to pay those men.”
“Luca wasn’t even at the hotel; he had gone home right after the wedding.”
“So, when I gave you a hard time about leaving, you what?” I gasp because I get it now; I understand why Luca is so fucking angry with Tyler. “You called your best friend and had him deliver that money. Because of you, he was shot, and because of you, he could have been killed.”
He makes no excuses, the remorse on his face is evident, the solitary tear that escapes his eyes at one point in time would have reduced me to a love-struck fool, but now it makes no difference. His sorrow no longer moves me, no longer tugs at my heartstrings, because the anger is too strong.
“My God, you’ve been lying to me for years. For years, I’ve thought that Luca was the issue between us, but the whole time it was just you. It was this thing that you’ve kept between us.”
“It just got out of control, babe. It was never supposed to be like this. I just… I wanted more for us. I wanted you to have the wedding of your dreams and the house of your dreams.”
“Oh, do NOT put this on me. Don’t you fucking dare. You wanted those things, too, and I would have waited. I would have worked and waited until we could afford them. I would have gotten married with our closest family and friends, Tyler. I didn’t need the huge wedding. If you had just talked to me, I would have told you that. I never asked you to live beyond your means… never.”
“I wanted the best for you.”
“You’re using me as a scapegoat. This has nothing to do with me.”
“You’re right.”
“What are you going to do now?”
“I- I don’t know Everly, okay I don’t know.”
“Well, I’m going to tell you what you’re going to do.”
“Babe.”
“Don’t. Babe. Me. Don’t! You are going to go to your father and tell him what’s happening. You’re going to borrow the money from him to pay these people off and then you are going to put this house on the market and use the money to pay your father back.”
“Really? Where are we going to live?”
“I’m going to live on my own. You’ll have to figure out where you’re going to live for yourself.”
“What are you saying?”
“I’m saying that I’m leaving. I’m leaving you, and it’s not because you have a problem because everybody has those. It’s because you have lied to me and manipulated me from the moment we met. Everything that I believed in was a fucking lie, and I cannot stand to be around you, not even for one more second.”
“I love you. I swear to you, that’s not a lie.”
“Your love is tainted, your love is stifling me because it’s clouded with deceit. There’s no way for me to pick out which parts of it are true or real so that makes it all false. It voids everything.”
He shoots up off the bed looking both hurt and angry; I’d be willing to bet that his expression matches my own. “Just like that? One bad thing happens and just like that you’re leaving me?”
I get up and move to the closet, gathering a pair of sweats and a t-shirt from the shelves, and quickly begin to dress. “You don’t get it, and I honestly don’t think you ever will. Bad things happen all the time; it’s how you handle them, and you chose to lie, you did this not me.”
I pull a pair of socks out of the dresser drawer and sit on the bed in order to slide them on as he watches me in horror.
“You have abandoned me; you promised to love and cherish me, but you’ve been nowhere to be found. You should have told me the truth, and we could have gotten through this together, but instead, you’ve been on this solo mission doing God knows what and I’m done. I’m so done,” I tell him as I slide my sneakers on my feet.
“Everly, please, you’re all I have left.”
“And I’m not going to stay here like a sitting duck waiting for someone to come after me to get to you.”
“I would never let that happen.”
“Right, I think if you asked Luca, he would have a different opinion. I mean, he nearly died because of you.”
“That’s not fair.”
“You haven’t been fair to me, to us. You married me all the while knowing that you were in trouble, you wrote me a letter—a fucking letter in case someone murdered you! What did you think, that it would make me feel better to find a letter three or four years from now telling me that you were a fuck-up but you loved me?
“I just wanted you to know how I felt.”
“It’s great that you can be honest in a letter, Ty. You should try being that way in real life. Call your father; if I don’t see a for sale sign on the lawn of this house in the next two days, I will call him myself.”
“Everly.”
“I’ll come back another time for my things.” I turn to face him, looking at him makes my heart ache, but his mountain of lies are too much for me to overcome. I give him the faintest of pecks on the cheek as I tell him goodbye. A solitary tear runs down my face for the loss of what could have been so full of beauty, a dream that will never come true now. I leave him standing there and the guilt makes me falter just a step, but I fight against the urge to stay. I fight because I know somewhere deep inside that this chapter of my life has to come to an end. Staying here with him another night could quite literally kill me.
I get in my car and drive, replaying that scene in my head over and over again. I try to determine the exact moment when my entire marriage fell apart and how the fuck I could have been so blind. The warning signs were there from the start, but in my defense, I didn’t know what to look for. I vaguely register the sound of my cell phone ringing; I peer down to see my best friend Morgan’s name pop up on the screen. Tyler’s probably called her, he probably thinks that I’m going to her house and I should, that would be the logical place for me to go, or to my parents’ house but I’m not. I pull onto Luca’s street. I didn’t plan to come here. I honestly didn’t even think about it, this is just where I ended up. It’s ironic that the one person that I could barely stand to be around turned out to be the person who I’ve come to depend on the most.
I park and switch off the ignition, quickly angling out of the car and jogging up Luca’s front steps before I change my mind. With a deep breath, I ring the doorbell, wait about ten seconds before ringing it again, and again, and for good measure, again. I see a light go on through the front window, and then I hear footfalls along with what I’m pretty sure are curse words. The door flies open and I’m met by Luca’s angry glare but I can’t focus on that—my eyes have traveled down to his bare chest. I assumed he had nice abs from the fit of his clothing, but I had no idea how perfect they really were. And the sexiest pair of pajama bottoms I’ve ever seen sit low on his hips. Jesus, why did he have to open up the door shirtless? By the time I make it back to his face, the anger is now replaced with concern.
“Everly, are you okay? What are you doing here?”
“Can I come in?”
“Of course.” He shakes his head almost like he’s coming out of a trance and opens the door wider so that I can pass through. “What’s going on?”
I say nothing. Instead, I dig Tyler’s letter out of my purse and hand it to him. He read
s it, and I take a seat on the couch and watch him, watch as the gamut of emotions that I felt a little while ago are displayed on his face.
“Everly, I don’t even know what to say to this.” He takes a seat next to me handing the letter back. “Where’d you find that?”
“In one of his books. He came home tonight, Luca, and I confronted him. He told me everything, the betting on sporting events, the money, how he used that money to pay for the wedding and what we put into the house. He told me how he sent you to the park that day. Why did you go?”
“He’s my best friend. I didn’t exactly think he’d put me in a situation where I’d go and be shot. I thought I was just going to deliver the money for him and be done with it, but of course, they weren’t happy with a partial payment and you know the rest.”
“I left him tonight, Luca.”
“You did what?”
“It’s done, it’s over, I can’t be with him anymore. Everything that we had was built on nothing but his lies. I can’t trust him.”
“How did he take it?”
“Not well, but I can’t live my life worrying about how Tyler feels because Tyler has never given a damn about how I feel. My feelings are an afterthought to him.”
“What are you going to do Ev?”
“For now?” I hesitate but force myself to be brave. “I was hoping I could stay with you.”
His lips tip up in a smile, and my heart flutters a bit. “You’re not going to make this easy on me are you?”
“What do you mean?”
“You know how I feel about you.”
Our eyes are locked, and the intensity I get from his warm my entire body, makes every thought, every concern, every hurt fade away and for just the briefest of time, I forget about the things that have bound me. I lean in wanting nothing more than to draw more of Luca’s warmth, it radiates all around me as my lips touch his. It happens that fast, that abruptly, and this time he’s not pushing me away—no—this time he’s all in, coaxing my mouth open with his tongue and kissing me with everything that he has.
The sound of my cell phone ringing again breaks me out of the haze. I place my hands on Luca’s chest and give him a light shove.
“I’m sorry.” I say the words I don’t mean; I want this, want him, but I’m fighting what I feel, shrouded in confusion.
“It’s okay, Ev.”
“Oh my God, what is happening to me? What am I doing?”
He places his forefinger underneath my chin and tilts my head up until our eyes are locked. “You’re waking up; you’re realizing that you have feelings for me.”
“I’m married, Luca,” I tell him with very little conviction. We both know that my marriage is over, and I’m looking for permission to cross over that line.
“Yeah, you got married, but you don’t have a husband, and you need to accept that things are happening with Tyler that have all of his attention. He’s out of control, and he’s never going to give you what you want. If you stay, he’ll only drag you down with him.”
“How did this happen, Luca, do you know?”
“You have to ask him, Everly. He’s been placing bets as long as I’ve known him, but it was never anything like this.”
“Maybe I should go for now.” I quickly stand and move to walk away, but he grabs my hand and pulls me to him. He uses his free hand to grab me by the nape of my neck, and his lips are on mine. My brain is telling me to push him away, to put an end to what’s happening between us, but I can’t. I don’t want to, everything inside of me is telling me that this is right, he feels right. We pull apart slowly, and I stare at him eyes wide, scared, shocked, needy.
“Luca.” I say his name barely above a whisper because, even though I know I’m out of control, all of a sudden I feel like I’ve finally been found. “Why does this feel so familiar, like I’ve been missing you and I didn’t even know it?”
“Maybe you wanted me all along, maybe you buried your feelings for me, maybe you thought you hated me because you believed I didn’t return those feelings.”
“I wanted you.”
“It’s not too late. If you’re honestly done with Tyler, then it’s not too late for us.”
“What about your friendship? Are you willing to throw that away?”
“Tyler knows how I feel about you, Everly. He’s not stupid, he’s always known, and the truth is that you should have always been with me.”
“Luca,” I whisper, my heart racing.
“I saw you in that bookstore, and I wanted you from that moment on. I hated that you were with him, but even though you were, in my mind, I always felt like I had this fucked-up claim on you. He knew how I felt about you, and he went after you anyway.”
“Wait, what? How? Luca, I met Tyler a few days after you. I never saw you after the bookstore. How could he have known?”
“You didn’t see me, but I saw you, Ev. My biggest mistake was not making my move when I first met you. I thought I’d get another chance, and I didn’t want to come on too strong.”
“You liked me?” I question in disbelief.
“Baby, I went home afterward and told Ty about you, told him how I met this girl, the most beautiful girl. That night we went to a frat party, it was crazy and crowded, but I spotted you again. I pointed you out to him just as you were leaving. He told me I should go after you, but I told him no, you had already left. I figured it was a small campus and I’d see you again once classes started.”
“Oh, my God.”
“I never thought you’d have a class with him, and he’d make a move on you. I never thought he’d take you knowing how I felt.”
“Luca,” I whisper, tears swimming in my eyes. “I didn’t know. I swear to you, I liked you, too. I wanted you to ask me for my number, I wanted you first. I just thought…and then I met him, and he was sweet, charismatic, it was hard not to like him. I was shocked that first time I went to your place and I saw you there, but I thought that at least we could be friends. Well, you know how well that worked out.”
“I should have been better to you. It wasn’t your fault, but if you would have shown me just once while you were with him that you cared about me, even a little, I would have gone after you, and it would have fucked my friendship with Ty up but I think at this point it’s too late.”
“I get it now,” I say stroking his cheek. “I’m sorry it happened. I’m sorry he did that to you.”
“All’s fair in love and war, but I’ll tell you right now.” He pushes a strand of hair from my face. “I’m not letting you go again.”
“I don’t want you to let me go,” I answer honestly, “but legally I’m still married.”
“Do you still love him?”
“I think a part of me will always love him. He’s played a huge part in my life, but there’s been so much damage, so many lies, Luca. When he started to check out on me, I guess I started to check out emotionally on him, too. My feelings have changed, and I can’t go back to how it was before. I know too much, I’ve seen too much.”
“Stay, stay with me. We don’t have to do anything. It’s late, we’ll just go to sleep and see how we feel in the morning.”
“Okay,” I agree, bringing my forehead to rest on his chest. He wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me closer, providing the comfort I’m desperately seeking. He pulls back slightly, kisses the top of my head, and leads me into the bedroom. We get into bed together, me on my side and him behind me enveloping me in his arms. I can’t deny the guilt I feel for being here, the vows that I took that are all but broken, but the fact that I married Tyler doesn’t negate what I’m feeling for Luca. It’s real; this isn’t something that happened overnight. The feelings are not new; they’ve merely been suppressed by the fear of rejection.
We both wanted each other way back in the beginning, back four years ago in that crowded little bookstore, and if I had known that he felt the same back then, I would have chosen him. I would have wanted Luca. Tyler became a roadblock in the course I wou
ld have chosen to take, and I don’t regret it, but now it’s time for me to choose for myself. And as hard as it is, I chose Luca.
I know what people will think. I know what they’ll say, but when I took those vows with Tyler, I meant them. I believed in them, and I wanted them to be true. But they were based on a life that wasn’t real. Tyler was not the man that he presented himself as and I can’t force myself to live the lie. If that makes me a bitch then so be it. If people think I’m wrong, then so be it; it’s easy to judge someone when you haven’t experienced their pain. So I close my eyes and let myself be held, be cared for by someone who wants to put me first, someone who chooses me over what others might think, and I do it knowing that it’s the right thing for me.
-I want a divorce -
I stare at the text for so long that the words start to blend together. I scrub my face with the palm of my hands trying to wrap my brain around what’s happening. It’s not that I’m shocked that it’s come to this; I knew it was coming, but I’m shocked that Tyler is the one to have initiated it. We haven’t spoken since I left the house three days ago, and I’ve been trying to figure out what to do, how to go about putting my unraveled life back together. I thought about filing for divorce, but I wanted to give it time. I wanted to give Tyler a chance to dig himself out of the hole he’s in before I threw anything else onto his plate. I didn’t want to make it worse, but I guess he beat me to the punch. I type out a response and hit send.
- Do you want to talk about things? -
- No. This is for the best. I need to get my shit together and you can’t be a part of that. The best thing I can do for you is set you free. I’ll take care of the paperwork I don’t want you to worry about it. –
I don’t respond because there’s nothing left to say. Life is messy, it gets ugly, and this is the shitty hand I was dealt. Now, it’s time to clean it up and this is the first step. Tyler needs help beyond what I can do for him right now; he needs something that my love alone can’t give him especially now.