“Deacon, nothing could compromise our relationship.” I was pissed off about the whole thing, but I believed his version of the story completely.
“I vouched for her. I got upset with you for being jealous. But…you were right on the money.”
“Well, it’s a woman thing.”
He turned away, taking a few moments to decompress.
“Has she officially left yet?”
“Not sure. I’ll find out tomorrow.”
I was disappointed he was going back to work, but it was surprising he’d even taken the day off. “I really want to punch her in the face…but I won’t.”
He turned back to me.
“I should just let it go…” There was nothing I could do about it now. And she was leaving the research team, so there would be no problems down the road. Deacon would rather reject her and go to his room to jerk off to me than accept her offer. That was enough revenge for me. “I’m sorry for getting so upset about it.”
“I think you have every right to be upset. I know I would be.”
Well, I didn’t have any admirers who were obsessed with me and trying to kiss me. “You don’t have to worry about that happening.”
His fingers moved into my hair again. “We’re okay?” he whispered.
I nodded. “Always.”
“Good.” He leaned closer to me, his hand cupping the back of my neck like he was about to kiss me. “Because I really want to make love to you…”
By the time a week had passed, life had returned exactly to how it’d been before.
It didn’t even seem like he’d been gone.
We fell into our old routine, where Deacon took Derek to school and Patricia picked him up. We took turns making dinner, and we spent our weeknights at home, the three of us finding activities to do together. On the weekends, we would take Derek to the zoo, the skating rink in Rockefeller Center, and anything else that came to mind.
My life was perfect.
I got my first check with my new salary, and it gave me the comfort I needed, something to fall back on if everything blew up in my face like I feared it might. Deacon never mentioned me moving out and getting my own place, and he seemed even more devoted to me after we’d had that week apart.
I should be happy right now, but I was miserable.
Fucking miserable.
I sat at my desk and texted Tucker. Hey, I need to talk to you…and I need to keep this from Deacon.
Are you okay?
No. Not at all. Yeah. I just really need someone to talk to. I was able to keep my secret without thinking about it too much because it didn’t quite feel real. But then my second period never happened, my skirts were starting to get tight on my waist, and it all became extremely real.
Alright. I’m off at 3. Can we meet then?
Yeah, that’s perfect.
The ice cream parlor?
Sometimes I forgot that we’d dated, that we’d had a favorite place. Once Deacon and I got together, I forgot about every guy before him like it’d never happened. Yeah. I’ll see you then. I got through the rest of work, then left to meet him at the ice cream parlor.
I walked in the door and saw him sitting alone in one of the booths. He was the only person in there in the middle of the day in the middle of winter. His head turned my way when he spotted someone in the doorway. He immediately got up, not giving me a smile or cracking a joke, and walked up to me like he could feel just how upset I was over our text messages.
“Everything alright?” He wrapped his arms around me and embraced me, hugging me like family, not like an old girlfriend. His powerful arms kept me close, let me lean on him for comfort.
“Yeah…I’m okay.” I clung to his warmth for a moment before I pulled away.
“You want some ice cream?” he asked. “We can split a sundae.”
I felt bad using the ice cream parlor without paying for anything, so I just nodded. “Sure.”
Tucker ordered a sundae with two cherries and two spoons and then carried it to the table. We sat in the booth, facing each other, the two spoons sticking upright because they were so deep in the ice cream.
He rested his elbows on the table and stared at me, still serious, wearing the same concerned expression that his brother did. His hair was a shade lighter, and his eyes weren’t so dangerous. They looked so much alike, but to me, they were two very different people. “Cleo, the suspense is killing me. Just talk to me.”
“Well…you can’t tell Deacon what I’m about to say.”
He looked out the window for a second, like I’d just asked him for something he couldn’t give. “That’s a lot to ask…”
“I know. But it’s killing me. I need someone to talk to. I just… I don’t have anyone else.” It wasn’t that I didn’t have any friends. There was just no one I felt comfortable sharing this information with. I considered Tucker to be a good friend, someone who’d helped me out with Deacon many times. He was the only person who knew each of us individually and together, the only person who understood the situation without needing an explanation.
He bowed his head and sighed.
“I need you to promise me you won’t say anything to him.”
He shook his head. “You’re putting me in a tough position, Cleo. This is my brother…”
“I know. But I am going to tell him myself…just not right now. Not until I’m ready.”
“And when will that be?”
I only had another month at the most. “Within a month.”
That seemed to be enough for him to relax. “Alright. Since you’re going to tell him yourself, I’ll keep your secret.”
“Okay…thanks.”
He stared at me, the ice cream melting between us.
This was so hard to say out loud…really hard.
“Cleo,” he pressed. “Seriously, my heart is about to explode. Just tell me.”
“Okay…” I stared at the ice cream between us and then took a deep breath, forcing myself to face reality, to address the problem that could destroy my life…or make me really happy. “I’m pregnant.”
Tucker didn’t react at first. It was a slow burn, a slow rise of his eyebrows, a gentle tightening of his face. He didn’t even take a breath for a bit, like his brain didn’t need oxygen for a split second. Then he straightened, inhaled, and leaned back against the wooden booth. “Jesus…”
He didn’t need to explain why that was a problem, which was why I wanted to talk to him in the first place. “It was an accident. I swear…” The last thing I wanted was for Deacon to think I did this on purpose, like Valerie did to him, because I would never ever do that. And I’d said all that stuff about wanting to have his babies… He was going to think it was deliberate.
“How do women get pregnant in this day and age on birth control?”
“I don’t know, okay?” I was hurt by the question. “We weren’t together for a few months, so maybe I skipped a pill or lost track of time…I don’t know. But when I skipped my period, I was shocked. And then I went to the doctor, and it was confirmed.”
He leaned forward, his elbows on the table, his fingers interlocked with his knuckles against his chin. “How far along are you?”
“Just over two months.”
“You’ve known that long and didn’t tell him?”
“I’ve only known for about a month.”
“But still, Cleo.”
“It was Christmas and then Derek’s birthday and then Deacon left…and I just tried to pretend it wasn’t real. Because I’m so scared that once I tell him…” I couldn’t even say the words out loud. I’d already lost him once, and it killed me. If I had to do it again…I wouldn’t survive. I wanted to have children, his children, but I hadn’t been excited about that once since I’d found out because I was so afraid of what the little person inside me would cost…the man I loved. “I didn’t do it on purpose, Tucker. I’m afraid he’ll think that and all our trust will be broken.” I rested my face in my palms, feeling the tea
rs stick to my skin, feeling the pain in my chest because my lungs singed every time I took a breath.
“Cleo.”
I sniffed and dropped my hands, my makeup probably mutilated by the tears.
He grabbed a few napkins from the edge of the table and handed them to me. “I believe you, Cleo.”
I wiped my eyes and then my nose. “You do?”
He nodded. “You already had him. You were already living with him. You wouldn’t need to trick him into knocking you up to keep him. The three of you are already a family for the most part.”
“Yeah.”
“But…”
My chest tightened again.
“Deacon has his triggers, like other people do. And he might revert back to the whole thing with Valerie, and he might not take it well. I really don’t know what his reaction will be. On the one hand, I feel like he’s grown into a different person with you. But on the other…this is a really touchy subject for him.”
“Yeah…I know.”
He gave me an apologetic look. “I’m sorry… I wish I could tell you he would be understanding, but I really don’t know.”
“I know.”
“But regardless of the outcome, you have to tell him. He’s got a baby on the way, and he has no idea.”
I wanted to be happy as long as I could, to live in that fairy tale until I ran out of time.
“Did you think about…getting an abortion?”
I literally felt nauseated at the suggestion, repulsed because I could never, ever do that. “No.”
“Because you could—”
“That’s not an option.” Thinking about doing it at all was sickening, but doing it to Deacon’s baby…the man I loved…was just disturbing. I hadn’t really acknowledged my baby’s existence because I was too concerned with Deacon’s reaction, but I knew I loved them…so much. I just didn’t know if Deacon would still love me once he knew.
“Then you need to tell him.”
“I know.”
“For what it’s worth, I can’t even tell.”
“My clothes are starting to get tight, and I’m starting to feel sick in the morning. That was when I was forced to confront this, because I can’t keep pretending it’s not real. I don’t drink wine and I tell myself I’m just not in the mood, but I know the real reason why. I just…don’t know how to tell him. I can’t think of a way to tell him without making him assume I did it on purpose. I know that will be his reaction.”
He shrugged. “Yeah, there’s only so many ways to say it. But he does love you, really love you. So, maybe he’ll be angry, maybe he’ll need space for a while, and then maybe he’ll come back around.”
“I can’t do another two months, Tucker, especially when I’m pregnant.” I needed Deacon. I needed him beside me every night. I needed him to place his hand on my stomach and look at me with love in his eyes. I needed him to take care of us, to give us a home, to make us a family. I could do this on my own, but I really, really didn’t want to. I wanted Deacon beside me…every single day.
Tucker dropped his gaze. “I don’t know what to say, Cleo. This is Deacon we’re talking about. His reactions are just different from other people’s. For certain, he will be a part of this baby’s life. He’s not gonna leave you high and dry and just move on. He will take care of both of you.”
“But I want him…”
“That…I don’t know. I think it will happen, but I wouldn’t be surprised if there are a lot of bumps on the way. That’s just how he is.”
I knew Tucker was right. It was unlikely that I would tell Deacon and he would just be calm about the whole thing. He would take it as a betrayal, especially since I’d talked about us having kids so many times…like a damn idiot.
“But I’ll always be here for you, Cleo. If he does go off the deep end, you still have me.”
I smiled, but it hurt to do it.
“I’m the uncle, right? That means we’re family. So, I’ll step up if he steps down.”
“Thank you, Tucker. But I don’t need help with the baby. I’m not worried about that. I’m just worried…about losing the love of my life.”
Seventeen
Deacon
I was one of the few people who went back to work quickly.
Others decided to take off a few extra days, to have time to adjust to the drastic time difference. But I had more responsibilities than my research, so I was in my office, wishing I were home with Cleo and Derek.
Theresa’s message popped up on my monitor. Dr. Hawthorne is here to see you.
We’d seen each other on the flight back but didn’t speak. She didn’t make eye contact with me. I’d hoped she would clear out her desk and leave her resignation letter with Theresa, but I should have known it wouldn’t be that easy. I hadn’t wanted to tell Cleo what happened because it would only validate her insecurity, but when I looked her in the eye and withheld the information, it made me feel disloyal. So, I got it off my chest and came clean, confessed my sins even though I didn’t do anything wrong. But I did leave out some of the things Kathleen had said, because that would just be hurtful. I wrote back. Send her in.
The door opened, and she stepped inside, in skintight jeans and a long-sleeved blouse. Her blond hair was curled in the front. She came empty-handed, without a resignation letter in sight. Her heels clapped lightly against the floor as she approached my desk. Then she took a seat.
I just stared.
She cleared her throat. “Now that we’ve had some time to cool off, I thought we could talk.”
“About?”
“I was hoping you would give me another chance—”
“No.” I wasn’t firing her just because I was angry. I was firing her because she’d made an advance that made me uncomfortable, and according to workplace policies, that was sexual harassment. I shouldn’t have to work with someone who made me uncomfortable, especially when I owned the damn place.
“I really love working here, Deacon. I promise nothing like that will ever happen again—”
“My decision is final. Give Theresa your resignation by the end of the day.”
Her eyes fell in disappointment. “Deacon, that night, it seemed like—”
“I was hard because Cleo sent me a dirty video, alright?” I snapped. “Not that it’s any of your fucking business. She sent it to me at the conference, I got a glimpse of the thumbnail, and I couldn’t stop thinking about it. On the way to the room, I was excited because I was finally about to watch it. And that’s another reason I want you to leave, because I shouldn’t have to have a conversation this personal with a colleague.”
Now she looked embarrassed.
“It was never you, Kathleen. It’s always been Cleo. And even if your assumption had been right, you put me in a position to cheat on my partner. Lots of people are attracted to people outside their relationship. Doesn’t mean they’ll act on it. You put me in a situation that compromises my integrity. Maybe you don’t know me that well—because my reputation is the most important thing to me. Without it, I’m nothing.”
She kept looking at the floor, finally out of steam on her arguments.
“Drop off your resignation and leave. I’ll tell everyone you were offered a position elsewhere…unless you want to continue to piss me off and change my mind.”
She got to her feet and sighed. “Well, I appreciate the opportunity, Deacon.”
I narrowed my eyes. “Dr. Hamilton.” She was no friend of mine.
As if that was the final blow, she winced. “Dr. Hamilton…”
I asked Tucker to get a drink with me after work.
I was in a bad mood. Wanted to get rid of it before I came home to Cleo. I’d only been back for a week, and I still missed her like I’d been gone just yesterday.
Having Patricia really was nice, because I would never have time to stop off anywhere without her. My driver dropped me off, and I grabbed a beer at the bar before I joined him at the table.
“What did you want to t
alk about?” He blurted out the question before I even fell into the chair.
I got comfortable and twisted off the cap.
He narrowed his eyes. “Deacon?”
“What?”
“What happened?”
“Nothing happened. I just had a shitty day at work.”
“Oh…” He nodded slowly then stared at his beer.
His demeanor was totally off, but I couldn’t figure out why. “Everything alright?”
“Yeah,” he said quickly. “What happened at work?”
“I fired one of my researchers.”
“Whoa…why?”
“She came on to me in Sweden.”
“She what?” he asked incredulously. “Is she hot?”
I glared at him.
“Sorry,” he said quickly. “Instinct, you know? But is that really a fireable offense?”
“She’s come on to me a couple times…”
“Got it. How did Cleo feel about it?”
“She was pretty angry. Not at me, but at her.”
“I can imagine.”
“It’s unfortunate because she’s a brilliant physician with a lot of potential…but she let sex get in the way.” She seemed to care more about fucking me than getting things done. It was beneath her.
“I mean, sex is arguably the most important thing in the world.”
Maybe if it was with the right person, like what I had with Cleo. Once I shook off this anger, I’d go home and try to sneak into the bedroom with her so I could get some action. I loved having Derek around, but man, he was a cockblock.
“Well, if she’s gone and Cleo is fine with it, then it’s time to let it go.”
“Yeah.” I drank from my beer. “I almost didn’t tell Cleo about it, but then I felt too guilty keeping that secret from her…even if it would have been better in the end.”
The Man Who Has No Sight (Soulless Book 4) Page 18