Especially me.
The princess cut diamond ring on her left hand was small, all I could afford right now because I just finished my undergraduate degree and would start my PhD program in the fall. When I told my father I wanted to propose to Tabitha, he told me I was too young, that I should wait.
Why should I wait when I’d found the love of my life?
As I stood there and stared at her, I knew it would last forever.
More guests filed onto the roof, complimented the white candles spread everywhere, the hors d’oeuvres being passed around by waiters. It was the perfect evening, the perfect everything, and I knew my mother was the reason for that.
Anything she touched was magical.
It relieved the stress on Tabitha’s shoulders, and frankly, no one could do a better job than my mom.
A large hand moved to my shoulder and gave me a squeeze.
I recognized the touch before I saw his face.
“Beautiful.” He rubbed my back then pulled me in for a one-armed hug. “I’m very happy for you, little man.”
I was a grown man at his height, but he still called me by the nickname he’d given to me when I was just a boy. “Thanks, Dad.”
He patted me again before he released me. “I was wrong. A man in love should be with the woman he loves, and I can tell you really love Tabitha.”
“I do.”
His brown eyes filled with affection, and a soft smile moved onto his lips. He stared at me for a few seconds, his brilliant mind working behind his eyes, thinking a million things at once. He didn’t always say what he felt, but the look on his face usually did that for him.
My mom came next, Dex and Daisy with her. Dex was about to turn fifteen and would start college in the fall. He was moving to the West Coast because he’d been accepted at his first pick university—Stanford. Daisy was not quite eleven years old.
Mom’s arms moved around me, and she hugged me, holding me close, rubbing my back as she embraced me. “Just yesterday, you were five years old…and fifteen years have passed in the blink of an eye.” She pulled away, her eyes soft and affectionate, her palms resting on my shoulders. “So proud of you, sweetheart.” She pressed a kiss to my cheek.
My mother had all the qualities I lacked, the ability to communicate with someone and share their heart. She’d taught me how to be sensitive, how to enjoy the lessons of a good book instead of the chemical science of the universe. “Thanks, Mom.”
Her eyes softened further before she released me.
“I hope we’re as happy as you and Dad.”
She gave my cheek a gentle pat. “I’m sure you will be.”
People started to settle down at the tables, and it was time for dinner, for my future wife and me to say thank you to everyone for everything they’d done to prepare for this wedding. When I turned to look at the most gorgeous woman in the world, she was nowhere in sight. Neither was Kevin—my best man. “I’ve got to find my girl. I’ll join you in a second.”
My family walked away and took their seats at the end of the table. With all our friends and family combined, there were twenty-five of us, a celebration of two lives coming together like the collision of two stars.
I entered the building and moved toward the restroom, so I could press her into the wall and kiss her while I hiked her leg over my hip. Seeing her in that white dress all evening made me want to make her my wife now—not tomorrow.
I leaned against the wall and waited outside the bathroom.
But then I heard whispers.
“Kevin, I’m not sure I can do this…” Tabitha’s voice was easy to recognize because it was so soft, so kind.
Palpitations kicked in. Blood pounded in my ears. The serenity I’d felt just moments ago was gone—and I had a feeling it wouldn’t come back. My head turned to the railing in front of me, where the stairs began and descended all the way to the bottom of the building. I moved forward, my hands gripping the railing as I looked down.
They were a long way down. I noticed Kevin’s hand gripping the rail, his watch easy to recognize. They were ten floors down, but the concrete created incredible acoustics. They thought they were sheathed in privacy, but they were basically speaking into a microphone.
Tabitha spoke again. “I can’t live with this guilt. I just can’t… I thought I could, but I can’t.”
Kevin responded. “Tabitha, what’s telling him going to achieve? It’s just going to hurt him. It’s just going to ruin this night for him. We’ve ended things between us and it’s not going to happen again, so let it go.”
My hands tightened on the railing, my knuckles turning white. I closed my eyes and kept my mouth shut, suppressed the sigh of pain that wanted to erupt from my lips. Tears formed behind my eyes, but I forced them back, refused to let my entire body fall apart.
“And you can just lie to him?” she whispered. “He’s your best friend…”
“I feel fucking terrible about it, okay? But telling him isn’t going to make things better. It’ll only make it worse. Come on, he loves you. He would forgive you anyway. So just cut out the part where you crush him and leave it alone.”
“I don’t know if he would forgive me, Kevin. It wasn’t just one time… It went on for a month.”
He sighed loudly. “Baby…”
I couldn’t listen to this shit anymore.
I released the railing and returned to the rooftop. Everyone was at the table, having good conversations while they enjoyed the drinks and appetizers. Her father said something funny and made everyone laugh, including my dad.
I felt fucking sick.
I looked at my father’s smile and felt dead inside. He’d told me I was too young, but I’d told him Tabitha and I were different… I was wrong.
So fucking wrong.
I stood there because I didn’t know what to do. I stared at the beautifully decorated rooftop, the party my mom worked so hard on. She told me she was proud, but what was there to be proud of?
I was an idiot.
The woman I gave my heart to betrayed me, not once, but several times.
And Kevin…what kind of best friend did I have?
My dad turned to me and stared at me for a few seconds, his eyes slowly narrowing as if he knew something was wrong.
I cleared my throat and came to the table, taking a seat in the center, empty chairs on either side of me, reserved for my bride and best man. I grabbed the champagne sitting in front of me and took a deep drink.
Everything happened so fast.
My dad stared at me from his seat at the head of the table. He knew something was wrong, but he was too far away to ask me privately.
The door opened, and Tabitha returned to the rooftop. Her little white halter dress showed off her incredible legs, her spectacular figure. Her hair blew back slightly as she walked, like everything was happening in slow motion. She smiled…as if the stairway conversation never happened.
Just like that, I felt nothing.
She was the love of my life just a minute ago and now…everything was gone.
Kevin came in a second later, acting like nothing had changed.
My arms rested on the table, and I listened to them take their seats on either side of me.
Kevin patted me on the back. “Take it easy on the champagne, man.”
I didn’t feel anything for him either.
Dinner was served, and even though I was sick, I ate it anyway. My exterior was calm, but inside, my heart was a volcano. Blood spewed like lava. Rage consumed me. I was both furious and empty at the same time.
Dad kept looking at me—because he fucking knew.
He knew everything.
When dinner was finished, it was time for us to say something.
Tabitha rose to her feet to go first. “Well, I don’t know what to say. They say weddings are the most stressful thing to plan, but it’s been so easy…and I know that’s because of my future mother-in-law, Cleo. She’s amazing, and I’m so grateful she’ll alw
ays be in my life. Thank you to everyone for coming, for being a part of this special day. I love this man with all my heart.” Her hand went to my shoulder, and she looked down at me.
I drank my champagne and didn’t meet her look.
“And I’m so happy to spend the rest of my life with him.” She paused like she expected me to meet her look. When I didn’t, she sat down and leaned in to kiss me.
I got to my feet and held my champagne flute, my other hand sliding into my pocket. I stood there for a while, all eyes on me, the silence becoming louder as I continued to grapple with all my emotions. I used to be good with words, like my mother, but now… I couldn’t think of anything to say. “When I think about what kind of marriage I want to have, I think about my parents.” I raised my hand to gesture to their place at the head of the table. When I looked at them, neither one of them smiled, like they knew me so well that they knew whatever I said next wouldn’t be good. “They genuinely love each other, would never lie to each other, and I just assumed I would have what they have…someday.” My hand withdrew from my pocket, and I rubbed the back of my neck. “Most people don’t know that my dad was actually married before, to my birth mother. But she was a bitch, and it didn’t work out.”
Now, everyone flinched at my words.
Tabitha did too, her eyes widening and shifting to Kevin, like she knew I knew everything.
My dad rose to his feet. “Derek—”
“Sit.” I snapped my fingers and pointed down. “It’s my day. I can say whatever I damn well please.”
My dad stilled and lowered himself again.
My mom looked pale in the face.
I continued. “So maybe I’ll follow in my father’s footsteps. That the next time I do this, it’ll be right.” I looked down at Tabitha. “Because this isn’t fucking right with you.” I set my glass down and shoved my chair back to storm off. “Maybe you should marry Kevin. You know—since you’re both liars and cheaters.” I turned away.
Kevin got to his feet and pressed his hands into his chest. “Derek, wait. Let me just—”
My fist collided so hard with his face that I broke his nose and blood sprayed everywhere. I shoved him to the side so I could get past.
Everyone at the table gasped. Chaos exploded.
I moved around the table to get the hell out of there. I didn’t know where to go, who to call, what to do…because everyone who really mattered was sitting at that table, witnessing my demise, my raw humiliation.
I made it through the door and into the stairwell.
Dad came after me. “Derek.”
I ignored him and descended to the next floor.
He might be in his forties, but he was in phenomenal shape, so he caught up to me and grabbed me by the arm. “Derek—”
I flung his arm off me and backed away. “Just leave me the fuck alone.”
He didn’t reach for me again, but the pained look on his face showed how devastated he was by all of this.
I kept going.
This time, he didn’t follow.
I sat on the back porch and stared at the lake, a beer in my hand. Clear skies made the hot sun blanket the water with brightness, and the light hit the waves just the way it had every summer of my childhood.
It was quiet, only the sound of the water and the breeze audible to my ears.
But it also made me realize you couldn’t run from your problems; you just took them with you.
I’d blocked Tabitha’s number and did the same to Kevin. I hadn’t been at my apartment for the past week because I’d been here, spending my time fishing, cleaning my catch, and cooking it on the stove the way my dad taught me. Life was slow here, simple. My parents loved to come here, bringing all of us along or escaping on their own while my grandmother watched us.
This cabin was filled with happy memories, but those happy memories couldn’t drown out the painful ones.
The back door opened, and footsteps sounded behind me.
I didn’t look to see who it was—because I already knew.
He walked in front of me, carrying a beer in hand. He was in jeans and a black t-shirt. He sat in the armchair beside me, his knees spreading, his arm on the armrest with his fingers wrapped around the bottle. Then he stared at the lake.
I glanced at him, seeing the stubble of coarse hair over his jawline. His brown hair was unkempt and shaggy, like he hadn’t taken the time to cut it because he’d been too busy working or parenting my siblings who were still at the condo in Manhattan. “You want me to pour out the beer?” I set it on the table between us since I was underage.
He took a drink and licked his lips. “No. The drinking age is arbitrary, and if you can graduate from Harvard at twenty, then you can drink a beer.” He kept his eyes on the lake in front of him, never looking directly at me.
I kept drinking my beer.
“You’ve been here all week?”
“Yeah.”
He nodded. “It’s a special place.”
“Yeah…it is.” I remembered roasting marshmallows with Mom, telling her to use two blocks of chocolate. I remembered holding out the ring to her when my dad asked her to marry him.
“You know why I’m here.”
I gave a long sigh.
“We can do this now or later. But either way, it’s going to happen.”
I took another drink of my beer. “Get it over with.”
He set down his beer and turned to look at me for the first time. “I understand you were upset in the moment, but don’t talk about your mother like that—”
“She’s not my mother.” I never saw her growing up, she usually forgot my birthday, and she never cared about me. It became more obvious as I aged until I couldn’t pretend she actually gave a damn. “Cleo is my mom, and she’s a better mom than Valerie ever was.”
He continued his stare. “It’s still wrong to speak that way about someone who’s passed away…”
Whether she was dead or alive, it didn’t change who she was. “I stand by what I said.” I turned to meet my father’s look head on, unapologetic.
He took a breath as he reached for a response. “I’m very happy that you and Cleo are so close, because she loves you like she carried you for nine months, loves you in the exact same way as she loves your brother and sister. But…that doesn’t mean you need to be cruel to Valerie.”
I shook my head. “I know you don’t want me to hate her, Dad. And I don’t. I’m just indifferent to her…just the way she was to me.”
His eyes turned pained. “She loved you.”
“No, she didn’t.”
“Yes.” His voice grew firm. “She did…just in her own way.”
I turned away. “Well, Cleo is my mom, so I really don’t care whether she did or not.”
“I just don’t want you to carry this anger, little man.”
“I’m not. You and Mom are the perfect parents. I’m so lucky to have you.”
When he took a breath and sighed, it was audible.
“I just… Now I realize you were right. You tried to warn me. You said I was too young, and I was. I was naïve.” I held the beer between my legs and started to peel the label.
He was quiet for a long time, staring at the lake. We were in the shade from the awning, so we were comfortable, safe from the piercing rays my father always warned me about. “I didn’t want to be right, son.”
I’d always felt out of place, even in my advanced courses and during my time at Harvard. My intelligence was a gift that should have been considered a blessing, but it ostracized me from everyone, even my own classmates. I thought Tabitha and I had a deep relationship, but now I wondered if I didn’t see what other people saw, because I wasn’t capable of it. That was why my father and I were still close even though I was out of the house and on my own. We were the same, and we understood each other.
“I know you’re hurt right now. But remember that her actions and decisions only reflect her, not you. It doesn’t mean you did something wrong
, that you weren’t good enough, that you deserved what happened to you.”
“And Kevin?”
There was hesitation in his gaze. “He’s just an ass.”
My father hardly ever cussed, so it was interesting to hear him do it now.
“Don’t let this scar you. Because you will find the right woman when you’re older. You will have a deep and meaningful relationship with someone who is loyal, true, who would never, ever hurt you like that. She’ll be your best friend…and mean so much to you that you’ll forget what your life was like before you met her.
“I don’t know about that.”
“You will, Derek.” He looked me in the eye. “I promise.”
I turned away.
“You still carry the bitterness of your mother’s abandonment, and I don’t want you to carry this too. Forgive—not for them, but for yourself. Otherwise, you’ll hurt people who aren’t responsible for the scars others left.”
“Dad, I don’t think everyone has a relationship like what you and Mom have. It’s not that common.” And I’d learned that the hard way.
“Maybe. But it will happen for you. I know it will.”
“Why?”
He stared into my eyes for a long time, searching for an answer. “I just do.”
Teaser Chapter 1
Ten Years Later
Emerson
I’d started at Astra Books two weeks ago, taking the position the previous editor suddenly vacated to move across the country to care for her elderly father. It was an unfortunate circumstance for her but a great one for me.
It was my dream job.
To top it off, one of the authors on the roster was my favorite author of all time.
Derek Hamilton.
He wrote a sci-fi series that had everything a reader could want, interstellar space travel, lovable characters, exciting climaxes, and painful deaths that left tears in your eyes even though you were just reading words on a page.
The Man Who Has No Sight (Soulless Book 4) Page 23