Wherever You Will Go

by Stephanie Smith

  “Get. The. Fuck. Out.” The seething voice is quiet but lethal. The warning in the tone is clear and causes Amber and me to jump and look toward his voice. Saxon is standing in the doorway, his eyes on mine. His hands are clenched into fists and his face is tight.

  “Get. Out,” he annunciates.

  “Who … me?” Amber says, faking a sweet tone. I hear her voice shaking, but Saxon doesn’t even look her way.

  “Get the fuck out and don’t ever come back. Do you understand me? Don’t call, text, email, or even think of me again. Is that understood?”

  “Saxon…” Amber whines.

  “GET OUT!” he shouts, getting in her face. Amber stands in shock, her lip quivers, and her eyes fill with tears. She swallows hard before turning to go. Saxon is moving toward me before she even has a chance to leave.

  He gently lays his hand over my clenched fist, which is still hovering back in the air, and slowly pulls it down to rest at my side. “Are you all right?”

  I blink a few times but don’t answer him. Amber slams the door and I jump, bringing me out of my zombie like state.

  “Wow, Brooke. Were you really going to hit her? I never pegged you for a punch thrower.” Saxon laughs, trying to lighten the moment, but for once I don’t appreciate it. “Nate never mentioned you had a wild temper.”

  “I didn’t with Nate,” I say coldly. Even though I’m looking past him towards my office door, I can see his face drop.

  “I’m so sorry, Brooke. I have no idea what she was thinking or why she was even here.”

  My legs give way beneath me, but before I can hit the floor Saxon is picking me up and carrying me to the couch. He places me down as he kneels, hovering over me. I can feel the shock wearing off as tears fill my eyes. I place my hands over my face as the sobs begin to take over.

  “Fuck, Brooke, don’t cry,” Saxon pleads as he sits down next to me on the couch. “She’s a fucking psycho. It wasn’t about you, Brooke. It was all about me. I should’ve never let things get this far.”

  “Well, if it was all about you maybe she could’ve gone into your office and gone crazy at you then.” My speech isn’t clear through my sobs but the anger is.

  “Brooke, please. I’m so sorry.” I can hear the concern in his voice, but I just don’t care. He lays his hand on my back, and I flinch away from his touch.

  “Don’t touch me,” I scream. He jumps back, his face pale and eyes wide.

  “Brooke …”

  “Just go,” I cry.

  “Brooke, please …”

  “Saxon, go.”

  “Brooke …”

  “Just fucking go. Leave!” I shout.

  His jaw tightens as his eyes shift around the room before he stands to leave, saying nothing more to me before closing the door behind him.

  I don’t watch him go as I turn to lie on the couch while the crushing sobs overtake my body. My tears are flowing uncontrollably. My body is shaking from head to toe.

  What was all that? What the hell was she talking about? I try to remember her exact words as I was too shocked to take them all in during the moment.

  Ruining their relationship? Saxon following me like a puppy? Me confusing his feelings and emotions? Why does she think that? Why does she think I’m sleeping with him?

  Does he feel trapped here? I’ve made it more than clear that I expected him to leave. As a matter of fact, the last time I brought it up he got really upset with me.

  My sobs begin to wane, and I start to gain some control over myself. I sit up on the couch and begin to go over and over the scene which just played out in my office. I sit and analyse every word said, every look given, and every hidden meaning there could have possibly been. Just like any other woman would, I go over and over this. Thinking of all the things I should have said.

  “FUCK,” I yell, storming down the hallway from Brooke’s office to mine. Ruth jumps and I instantly regret it.

  “Saxon?” she asks concerned.

  “Please get me Rachel Schaefer on the phone.”

  Shutting my office door, I make my way to my desk and slam my hands down on it. “Fuck.”

  The phone rings and I quickly pick it up, knowing Ruth has connected with Rachel.

  “You need to come to the office now. It’s Brooke.” My heart is beating wildly. I need to fix this, even if she won’t let me be the one to hold her.

  After explaining as much as I have to in order to get Rachel here immediately, I lean back in my chair and run my hands down my face as I think about what just happened.

  Fucking Amber. I have been blowing her off for months now. I don’t get how she translated that into hey, come to the office and abuse my best friend’s wife. Fuck. It’s my fault. I haven’t been leading her on, but I haven’t ended things either. I knew she was getting too attached and clingy.

  When my email had dinged from Ruth with a message Amber was here, I knew I was in for some kind of trouble. It was when Ruth came in flailing her arms about, while I was on the phone, I knew something bad was going down.

  I ended my call abruptly before Ruth had a heart attack. “Saxon, I don’t know what is going on, but there is a lot of yelling coming from Brooke’s office. Amber is in there.”

  That was all I needed to hear. My chair flipped back as I ran out of my office and down the hall.

  As I stepped into the doorway of the office all I saw was Brooke. The anger coming from her was palpable: her face all red, her eyes squinted and glaring, her chest moving up and down with her deep breaths, and her fist clenched and cocked back.

  Amber is using that annoying fake voice she puts on every now and then, and I’ve never wanted to hurt a woman more in my life. I just want her gone.

  Once I see Amber turn to go I head over to Brooke without even thinking. I’m drawn to her. My body moving without my mind giving permission.

  Grabbing her fist, which was still cocked back, I bring it down to her side, not immediately letting go of her hand. I can’t believe she was going to hit Amber. That’s my girl.

  Except she’s not my girl, not even close, not even with how much I wish she was, how much I wished she had always been.

  When I had left her office her sobs became stronger, and they followed me all the way down the hall.

  I can’t breathe. What have I done? She’ll leave. This will be it. The straw that broke the camel’s back.

  Over the last few months I’ve been the one she breaks down to. I’ve been the one she lets hold her. I’ve been the one holding her up. I can’t fucking stand how I’m now the reason for her tears, the cause of her pain, and the source of her heartache.

  Sitting here and doing nothing while I wait for Rachel is killing me. I want to go to her. I want to hold her. I want to pick her up and carry her away from here.

  I don’t go to her because I know she doesn’t want me to do those things. When she recoiled from my touch and spat those words out at me, it broke me. It makes my chest burn just thinking about it. The fucking look in her eyes, it was like I had totally let her down. Failed her. Failed to protect her.

  Even with her rejecting me, I would go back and back again for more. I just can’t get it right when it comes to this woman. She deserves better than having me as her protector. I could never do the job that Nate did. Am I trying to do Nate’s job? The lines have blurred, and I’m not sure if I’ve crossed them yet or not.

  I care for her. I’ve always cared for her, and will always care for her, but do I care for her more than I’m willing to admit? Is it more than the way a person should care for their best friend’s wife? I don’t know. If caring for my best friend’s wife means wanting to protect her from anything that might hurt her, then yes I do care.

  Standing up from my desk, I head over to the bar and pour myself a drink. I throw it back, not even savouring the taste of the thirty-year-old scotch, and pour another one. Taking this one over to the couch, I sit back and rub my hand over my face. I lay my head back on the couch and close my ey
es.

  I don’t want this to send her backwards. She’s made such an effort here to move forward with her life. She’s been happy, relaxed, and somewhat content. I thought we were somewhat helping each other heal as we worked on Nate’s dream together.

  We’ve been spending a lot of time together over the past few months, and I’d like to think I have been as much support to her as she has been to me. She probably doesn’t even know how much she has helped me. How much I struggled to breathe before she came here, struggled to get up every morning.

  Since she’s come into the office, I wake up every morning thinking of seeing her, spending time with her, chatting with her and laughing with her. What will it be like now?

  Fuck. Where do we go from here?

  I have no idea how much time has passed when my office door flies open and Rachel comes storming in. She is breathing hard as if she just ran a marathon and her face is lined with concern and glistening with sweat.

  “What the hell, Brooke?” The anger radiates from her. How many more irate women are going to corner me in my office today?

  “What?” I ask in a clipped tone. I’m not in the mood to take any more shit.

  “What the fuck did that bitch say to you?”

  “How do you know what happened?” I look up at her. “What are you even doing here?

  “Saxon called me freaking out about some Amber bitch who went at you in the office, and he said you were having a meltdown and wouldn’t talk to him.”

  I close my eyes for a second before meeting her gaze. “Well, that’s a bit dramatic, isn’t it?”

  “I don’t know, Brooke, is it?” Seems like she’s not taking shit today either.

  “No, I guess not. What do you mean Saxon called you?”

  She releases a deep breath. “He called me and said some woman came into the office to see him and ended up going off on you. He said she’d said something about Nate being disgusted with you and you were pretty much having a breakdown but wouldn’t let him comfort you. He was really upset, Brooke, said it was his fault.” She lets out a big breath. “I didn’t stand around to chat with him any longer. I ran out of the office, jumped in a cab, and came straight here.” Her breathing has begun to slow, and she seems more together, probably at the sight of me not having a total mental breakdown. Thank God she wasn’t here ten minutes sooner.

  I tell her everything that happened, or what I can remember of it. I hate when things like this happen and after the shock wears off so do the details.

  “Are you kidding me?” she shouts, her anger back in full force. “I’m going to fucking kill him!” She starts to get up, but I hold her wrist in place.

  “No, don’t. It’s not his fault,” I say calmly.

  She slowly turns toward me. “Are you fucking Saxon?”

  “Rachel!” I yell. “God, no. I have no idea what she was talking about. That’s what has me so baffled.”

  “So why did you get so upset if it’s not true? Who cares what Saxon’s latest dick-warmer thinks?” There’s no humour in her voice.

  “Rachel…” There’s sadness in my voice which I’m sure she hasn’t missed, as she places her hand on my arm.

  “It’s because of what she said about Nate?” she asks quietly, rubbing my arm softly.

  “How dare she even mention his name, like she fucking knew him or something? I can’t believe I was going to hit her.”

  “What?” she shrieks.

  “Saxon came in just as I was about to punch her. I’ve never felt anything like that before, Rach. I was so overwhelmed with emotions that I wasn’t thinking clearly. The adrenalin was too much to deal with.”

  “You watched a lot of Dr. Phil in the months you were at home, didn’t you?” she says seriously.

  “Shut up.” I laugh at her. “You know I’ve never been one for confrontation. I still just don’t get what happened or what it was all about. I’ve been over it and over it, and I don’t understand. There was more there than her thinking I was sleeping with Saxon.”

  “You need to talk to him about it. I’m sure he doesn’t have all the answers, but he obviously knows what went on between the two of them more than you do.”

  “I know,” I sigh. “I flipped out on him, and now I’m too embarrassed to go see him.”

  “I have no doubt it was somehow his fault. If not, I’m sure he deserved it anyway, just for being a douche in general.”

  I laugh. “Yeah, you’re right.”

  “Seriously though, Brooke.” Her voice is stern but soft. “He was really upset when he called me earlier so go easy on him, okay?”

  I’m not sure what she means so I just nod. Rachel taking up for Saxon has me thrown.

  Walking towards his office, I think of his face when I yelled at him and my chest aches. I hurt him… again.

  Stepping into his office remorse settles in my stomach as I see him leaning his head back on his couch, eyes closed. I know I shouldn’t have yelled at him like that. I just couldn’t face him, and I needed to be alone. I blamed him for his crazy-ass girlfriend coming and losing her mind.

  Saxon’s eyes open on hearing my arrival, and slowly, I make my way over to the couch and settle next to him, his eyes following me the whole way.

  “I’m so sorry, Sax,” I blurt out, just needing to get it over with.

  “No, Brooke,” he says. “I’m sorry, so fucking sorry. You told me women didn’t do casual and you were right. I knew she wanted way more than I could or would ever give her, and I didn’t end things with her like I should have. See, there’s a reason I stay single. This just proves a relationship isn’t for me. At least I gave it a go, right?” He laughs cynically, looking down at the drink he’s turning around in his hand.

  “Maybe you haven’t found the right girl yet?” I say softly, not wanting him to give up.

  His gaze shoots up to meet mine. “Maybe she hasn’t found me yet.” His eyes are holding mine hostage, and there is something there I can’t place.

  I hope he doesn’t give up on finding someone. He’s been so wonderful to me over the past few months, and I have no doubt once he finds the right girl he will be the best type of man. He is caring and fiercely loyal to those he loves. He is protective and loving. Strong and kind. Everything which makes a wonderful husband and partner.

  He interrupts my thoughts. “I think we need to talk,” he offers quietly, like I’m going to run. Six months ago, hell, three months ago I probably would have, but I’m stronger now.

  Losing Nate was indescribable, but I’m getting through it. I’m going through it every day and every day it gets easier. Every day I hurt a little less than the day before.

  “Yes, we should.” Leaving no time for awkwardness, I jump right in the deep end. “What was she talking about, Saxon? What did she mean by all that?”

  “First, Brooke, you need to tell me what she said. I only caught the end of it, and honestly, I have no explanation for that.”

  Thinking over all that she said, I pick the comments I most want answered. “She thinks I’m playing you. That you chase me like a lost puppy dog and give in to all my wants. That I’m playing with your emotions and confusing you, and I’m being selfish by keeping you here and you feel trapped,” I ramble, not being able to get it all out quick enough.

  Saxon sighs loudly and pinches the bridge of his nose as he leans forward on the couch. “Over the past few months, Brooke, we have been working our asses off here. How many late nights and business functions have we attended? Maybe she felt I was blowing her off to take you to business functions instead of her?”

  “Why does she think we are sleeping together, Saxon?”

  “I haven’t slept with her for months. I guess it kind of corresponded with the time you started working here.”

  My forehead creases in confusion as I try to make sense of what he just said. He hasn’t slept with her for months? Surely he hasn’t not had sex for three months.

  “Brooke,” he says, “Don’t over think it. T
he shit she said was all about me and our relationship. She clearly has issues and built something in her head which isn’t there. I can’t explain it to you. I can’t tell you what it all meant. It’s best to let it go.” There’s frustration in his voice, but I’m not finished yet.

  “Do you feel trapped here? I’ve told you many times you’re free to go whenever you want, that I’ll figure it out. I’ve been more than clear about this. You don’t owe Nate or me anything. You’ve given us so much and now I just want you to be happy… and Nate would, too”

  “Apparently I haven’t been clear,” he says cutting me off again. “Look at me, Brooke.” I turn on the couch to face him. His eyes are fierce. “I am going to say this only once more, and you are going to believe it. You’re not going to brush me off or question me, again.” Shit, he’s pissed. “I want to be here. I am not staying for Nate, and I have no interest in moving on now or in the future. I belong here and there is no place I’d rather be. You’d have to fire me and even then I won’t leave you. I will never leave you, Brooke. Ever.”

  Oh. My. God. I have no words. He regards me with those green eyes, something flashing in them I can’t read.

  “Okay,” I croak out. I clear my throat and nod. Seriously, I have no words.

  “Do you want to give that dinner tonight a miss?”

  Shit, I had forgotten all about that stupid function. “Could we?” I ask, unable to hide my excitement.

  “Of course, it’s just a charity. I’ll call and leave a big donation, and they won’t even notice we didn’t come.” He smiles warmly at me. I breathe a sigh of relief. “Is Rachel still here?”

  “Yeah, she’s chatting with Ruth. Said we may as well go to lunch seeing as we dragged her out of the office.” I chuckle.

  “Why don’t you see if she can take the rest of the day off and go spend some time with her? Have an early day, get lunch, do some shopping. Maybe a massage or get your feet done, whatever you women do at the spa.” He laughs.

  “That sounds fantastic, but are you sure? There is still a lot to do before the weekend.” I smile widely.