“Saxon!” I just want him to stop talking, stop spewing words that just confuse and torture me. I drop my head into my hands, shaking it back and forth as I try to gain some semblance of control back.
I pull in a large breath before lifting my head. He stands, defeated, his hands resting on his hips. “We’ve spent nearly every night together for three months, Brooke.”
“Having sex, Saxon, that’s all it was.”
“Is that what you honestly believe? After all I’ve shared with you, all I’ve done for you and with you, is that what you really think?”
“Yes.” I stand taller and lift my chin.
“You think your eyes hide your emotions, Brooke, but I can see through them. Right through them to your soul, and I know you love me. I know you love me, just like I know it’s the guilt holding you back.” Saxon shakes his head, gazing off down the driveway.
He turns back to face me, his eyes softer. “Nate wouldn’t want this, Brooke. He hated seeing you upset, and he would be happy to see there was light on your face.” He pauses, waiting for my response, but I have nothing. “Brooke…” he trails off. “Let’s just go back to your place and talk about this.”
“No!” I answer too quickly.
Saxon sighs as he shakes his head. “I thought things had changed since that night, but nothing has, has it? This is how it will always be.” He lowers his head and places his hands on his hips.
“I have to go,” I say, turning towards my car.
“No, please, Brooke. Don’t leave me, let’s talk about this. I am fucking begging you. I love you, please don’t do this.”
Jumping into my car I start the engine before I’ve even shut my door. In no time at all I am driving out of the circular drive, speeding around Saxon’s car, and squealing my wheels as I speed away from the only good thing in my life. The only thing that makes me full and complete. The only thing I really need.
My body doesn’t move as I watch her brake lights fade into the distance. What the fuck just happened? Brooke has been the happiest and most comfortable with me over the past few weeks than she ever has been. Where the fuck did this come from? Running my hand through my hair, I turn to see Jeanie’s face in the window. She’s what fucking happened.
I storm to the house and she jumps out of the windowsill, but I don’t wait for her to greet me as I throw open the door.
“What did you do?” I grit out.
“What needed to be done. Brooke needed to be reminded where her loyalties lie.”
I lean further into her, my face only a few inches from hers. She doesn’t even flinch and takes me on head to head. “I love her, and she loves me. You scared and manipulated her. Our relationship is none of your business.”
She lifts her chin to me. “Manipulated her?” she snarls. “I barely had to say anything before she was running. She doesn’t love you, Saxon. She didn’t even consider staying with you. She ran and didn’t look back.”
The truth of her statement cuts me open, and I recoil from her. Brooke didn’t even flinch as she told me where to go and how much I didn’t mean to her. I knew she struggled with Nate and the guilt, but I honestly thought she felt the same way I did about us.
My anger is at a breaking point. I have to get the fuck out of here. “I hope it was worth it,” I spit at her. “I may have lost Brooke, but so have you. She’ll never step foot in this house again and neither will I.” I don’t wait for a response as I throw open the door.
“What the hell is going on?” I hear Mark’s question as I turn and walk away from the only family I’ve ever known.
I can’t believe I gave myself to her. After promising I would never let a woman get to me like that, I gave everything I had for her to just throw it back in my face.
My hands shake as anger consumes me. Did she not think I wasn’t coping with my best friend’s death either? Did she even consider what it took for me to let her in? To tell her about my family and my childhood? I gave her things, things I hadn’t even given Nate.
I was sure we were meant to be together. Sure that Nate would be happy for us. Sure we were doing the right thing. I fought with everything, believing it would work out. Believing eventually she would leave the guilt behind. I waited for her, and I thought we had gotten there, but I guess I was wrong.
I’m done. I’m done caring. I’m done protecting her. I’m done trying to make it up to Nate. I’m done trying to please him, give him what he wanted, even after death.
Upon entering Nate’s office, I find him slouched over his desk, his head resting on his hand. “What are you working on?” I ask. He looks stressed and I can’t think what client case he could be studying.
“My will,” he says matter-of-factly.
“What the fuck are you doing that for?”
He sighs and leans back in his chair. “With the business building so steadily I need to make sure everything is in order in case something happens. I need to make sure Brooke is taken of.”
“What are you doing with the business?”
“Brooke can just sell it and invest the money.” His eyes don’t leave the papers in front of him.
“Just make sure you put something in there protecting that money for her,” I tell him sternly.
His eyes shoot to mine. “What do you mean?”
“You know, when she meets someone else. Put something in place to protect him from wringing her dry, trying to put claim on any of it.”
Nate’s face turns in disgust. “What? Just the thought of Brooke with someone else makes me sick, let alone the kind of guy who would do something like that to her.”
“What?” I laugh. “You don’t think she’s going to find someone after you’ve gone?”
“Stop talking about my wife with someone else, you dick. It’s just making me want to punch you in the head.”
“It’ll happen, mate. Maybe you should just pick someone and put it in there.” I laugh gesturing at the paperwork in front of him.
There’s silence while he thinks over my comment. “Well if I have to pick someone … I’m picking you.”
“What?”
“If I had to pick anyone to be with Brooke after I’m gone, I’d pick you.”
“You’re fucking crazy.”
“Fuck off. I know you’d step up. Hell, you’d probably be a better husband than me,” he says seriously.
“Doubt that,” I mumble.
“Why? You’re a better man than me, makes sense you’d be a better husband too.”
“No one is a better man than you,” I say shaking my head at him. “Now no more talk about death and wills. You’re depressing the fucking shit out of me. You’re not going anywhere.”
Nate chuckles, shaking his head at me.
“Now that conference meeting in half an hour, you want to have it here or in my office?”
“Let’s do it in the conference room and get Bill to come too. Mario is old school and will appreciate dealing with someone older and more experienced as well as us.”
“Good, I’ll let him know,” I say as I turn to exit his office. Fucking writing wills. Thank God I don’t have to deal with that. Let them give it all to charity, for all I care. I’ll definitely take Brooke, though. I laugh at my own thoughts. Hopefully he’ll write that in there. Oh and the Porsche, too.
Lying in bed still fully clothed, I stare up at my ceiling. Definitely not how I expected tonight to go. There are too many thoughts running through my head to keep them all straight.
Saxon… shit. His face stays at the forefront of my mind, and I can pinpoint the moment his heart shattered. I may as well have pulled it out of his chest myself. I was so worried about protecting my own heart, I never even considered Saxon’s. All my stupid rules to make sure I didn’t get hurt, and I ended up hurting him.
The look on his face when I said he couldn’t come back here is imprinted on my brain. How could it ever work between Saxon and me when I can’t even let him stay over here? Even with everything that has h
appened over the past few weeks and the change in our relationship, I’ve still held back. I can’t let go of those issues.
I can’t love him like he loves me. My heart pounds and I roll over onto my side, clutching my legs tightly against my chest. It can’t work between us, and that’s what hurts the most. Saxon wants more than I can give him. He wants my heart. I can’t give that to him, because giving that to him means taking it from Nate.
Saxon and Nate, Nate and Saxon. Best friends. No, brothers. How could I do this? I can’t do it. I can’t let Nate go.
Sobs leave my body and I lie there and cry as I go back and forth between my thoughts. Back and forth between Nate and Saxon. Back and forth between my head and heart. Back and forth between the past and the future.
The click of the front door lock rings out in the quiet house. He’s come. He’s come for me. Heavy footsteps echo through the hall, and I can almost hear the resignation in them.
My body stills as the steps gets closer, and I dare not move. The anger was radiating so heavily off him at Jeanie and Mark’s and I don’t think I could stand to see it smeared all over his face right now.
My heart beats out of control as I hold my breath. I don’t know why I’m so nervous.
I sense his presence as he steps into the doorway. I feel his gaze on me. It almost scorches me as I sense it going up and down my body.
My chest begins to ache, and I continue to hold my breath and I slowly release it, trying not to move an inch. As I focus on my breathing, the bed dips behind me. Saxon aligns his body with mine before he wraps his warm arms around me.
I don’t turn around or acknowledge him. He nuzzles his nose into my neck and tightens his hold on me. The familiar feel of his warm embrace causes me to relax. The addictive peace he brings with him wraps around me. How can something so wrong feel so right?
Maybe he can forgive me. Maybe he can stay and work through this with me. Maybe he’s willing to accept all I can give.
I clear the thoughts from my head as I focus on him: his tight hold on me, his strong body curled around my soft one.
There’s a light scent of sweat emanating from him, as if he’s had a light workout. Maybe he took a walk to clear his head or something.
His nose is buried in my neck, taking large breaths like he is breathing me, taking me in. “I love you, Brooke. I always have and I always will,” he whispers.
He’s always loved me? Always? Relief flows through me. He might actually forgive me. My body relaxes at the thought of it, and I fall into a deep sleep in my new favourite place in the world.
Waking up without Saxon was confusing. Confusing, cold, lonely, and empty. Maybe he wasn’t ready to talk. Maybe he had an early meeting. I try to vision his calendar and will my mind to remind me if he did.
I shower and dress quickly, wanting to get to the office and see him before everyone else starts arriving. I’m unable to settle the sinking feeling in my stomach. I will feel better once I see him and can judge his demeanour.
We’ll be fine; we’ll work this out. Even if we just went back to a platonic friendship. I would be fine with that, as long as I still have him in my life.
Unease washes over me as I fly into the underground parking lot and don’t see Saxon’s car. I quickly park, gather my things, and head up in the elevator. My stomach sits in my throat the whole way, and I try to swallow down the lump.
Being so early, the office is quiet when I step out of the elevator. Not expecting to see Ruth at her desk, I throw my bags on it as I pass, heading straight to Saxon’s door.
It hits me full force in the face like a freight train as soon as I open his office door. The destruction speaks a thousand words.
Furniture is flipped over and thrown across the room, glass tumblers from the bar are smashed into pieces, and Saxon’s desk items are scattered across the floor.
As I take it all in, all the devastation, all the mess, the office still seems empty somehow. Missing something.
A large knot forms in my stomach and I hold my breath as I tiptoe across the floor, dodging the damage as I make my way to his desk.
Even though I know, as I look over the typed up resignation letter, shock resonates through me. Despair follows when I look next to the letter and find my house key.
My last breath leaves me as I momentarily close my eyes; my chest tightens and the ominous lump in my throat is back. He left me. Even considering last night’s blow up, I can’t believe it. He promised me he would never leave.
Without warning my legs give way to the overwhelming pain and despair, and I fall to the floor. I try to catch my breath as wracking sobs leave my body. He left me. He’s gone.
Loneliness and despair overtake me. My heartbeat races and my body shakes as I long to see him, ache for him to return. I hate how familiar these feelings are. Hate that I’m going through this again. Except this time, I have no one to blame but myself.
Unexpectedly, I’m being lifted into strong arms and looking up into Bill’s concerned face. I glance around and see Ruth standing in the doorway with a similar worried look on her face.
“He’s gone,” I sob to Bill.
“Shhhh, it’s okay, darling. It’s going to be okay.”
He carries me out of the office and past Ruth. “He’s gone,” I tell her. A tear rolls down her cheek as she nods at me in understanding.
Bill heads towards my office with Ruth rushing in front of us making way. “No, please. Nate’s office.”
“Brooke,” Bill warns.
“Please,” I beg. I need some familiarity. I need to feel him.
Bill sighs as he changes direction and heads toward Nate’s office. Ruth unlocks and opens the door for us, stepping back and making room for Bill to carry me over to the couch.
“I have a phone call to make,” Bill snarls as he storms out of the office.
“Do you need anything, sweetie?” Ruth asks, her voice shaking.
“No. Please. I just want to be alone,” I sob.
“I’m just outside the door if you need me.” Ruth turns to leave the office, lingering at the door as if she’s not sure what the best thing to do is.
I roll over and turn my back to her. Focusing on Nate, I will the comfort and solace of the other day to wash over me. There’s nothing. I don’t feel him here like I did. This only causes my tears to come harder.
I have no idea what to do, where to go from here. I’ve ruined everything monumentally, and I have no idea what to do. I wish someone could just tell me what’s right.
Everyone says follow your heart, do want you want to do, don’t worry about what others think. How can anyone actually live like that? What would I do if there were no consequences? If I didn’t care what people would think or say, would it make any difference?
I wish I could just give him what he wants. I don’t want to lose him, but he wants my whole heart, and I just don’t have a whole one to give.
Trying to pull myself together, I sit up on the couch and look around. This office needs to be packed up. It’s sitting here like a shrine. Nate’s stuff is exactly as it was left. Looking at it now, it just feels creepy, and I’m not surprised I can’t feel him anymore.
I stand from the couch and head towards the door. Grabbing Nate’s jacket off the hook, I brush the dust off and wrap it around myself. Bringing it up to my face I take a deep breath, trying to smell him on it. There is a faint scent, but I’m not sure if it’s the jacket, or just my memories.
I make my way to the bathroom to clean up before I go to the place where I know I will feel him the most.
Walking through the cemetery, all the memories of that day come flooding back. It’s funny, but I remember more now than I did at the time.
When I reach Nate’s memorial plot, guilt overtakes me as I see all the dirt and dust gathered on it. There are dead flowers and leaves strewn about.
I haven’t been here since his funeral. I couldn’t bring myself to face it. At home and at the office I could believe he
was still around, and that maybe he would walk in the door at any time.
Sinking to my knees on the damp grass, I resign myself to the fact that maybe I haven’t handled Nate’s death that well. Maybe instead of avoiding the topic and distracting my therapist I should open up to her.
It’s not that I don’t like Julie, because I do, but I don’t really talk about Nate with anyone. It’s like I don’t think they’ll understand or maybe they’ll judge me, or worse, give me their opinions. Or maybe deep down it’s because I know I’m not handling things well. Denial, isn’t it? A stage of grief.
“So, you know what’s been going on,” I say to the marble stone in front of me as I brush off the leaves at the base of it. “I wonder how you feel about it all.” I choke on the last bit, my eyes filling with tears. “I know you’re probably more than disappointed in me,” I cry. “It’s just been so hard, Nate.”
I think back to the three months following Nate’s accident: locking myself in that massive house, obsessing over a pregnancy that wasn’t there, falling into that deep depression, that huge hole. Depression. Another stage of grief.
I then remember Saxon coming to get me, coming to save me.
“He helped me, Nate. I don’t know how exactly, but it’s easier to breathe when he’s around.” I take a deep breath. “He’s left me, and it’s all my fault. I pushed him away.” A sob tears through me, and my shoulders shake as I hang my head.
“I don’t think I can go on without him. But how am I supposed to let you go? Why do I have to choose? Why can’t I have you both?” I cry. “But you’re not here, are you? Rachel was right; you aren’t a choice.” My only options are being alone or taking that step with Saxon. Giving him my whole heart, no matter what condition it’s in.
Standing from Nate’s grave, I kiss my fingers and lay them atop the stone. I wipe the tears from my face as I make my way back to the car.
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