“Oh, perfect, now I’ve stepped into my garden…” Loreena screamed.
Luna got out of the car and slammed the door closed. Lenny raised his windows.
Loreena’s tirade continued, even though Lenny couldn’t hear her. He was in motion now. Loreena pounded on his hood, but he didn’t stop. Thirty bucks was really not worth this scene. A neighbor across the street was peering from behind his white curtains, and several dogs in the area were howling in response to Loreena’s bark. Great.
Luna watched her father back away from the madness. Chug, chug, chug, chug. His carburetor breathed as heavy as him. His wheels crunched leaves littering the driveway. Then he shifted into drive and was gone, leaving a cloud of exhaust in his wake.
All these years later, Luna still smelled it.
THIRTEEN
“Hellllo!” Loreena projected into the phone. “Are you still there?”
“I’m here.”
“I’ve been waiting for an answer for a solid five minutes, Luna.”
“What was the question?”
Another dramatic sigh came through the receiver. “Are you planning on visiting your father again?”
“I’ll pass… until he’s in the rehab.” Luna braced herself for an angry tirade on how selfish and uncaring she was. Instead, Loreena said, “That’s probably for the best. Frankly, I’m not even sure he’s cognizant of his surroundings. He answers yes to every question I ask, like ‘Are you feeling better?’ but who knows if he understands what he’s saying. He was always yessing me before. Maybe he’s just on auto-pilot now.”
A pounding struck up in Luna’s forehead, like someone was chiseling in there. She wanted to deal with the situation gracefully, but it felt like her head was going to burst off her shoulders. She needed to get off the phone, but the only excuse she could come up with was, “I have to go pee.”
Not very graceful, but it did the trick. Loreena said, “So go pee.”
Luna said “goodbye” as usual, and also as usual, Loreena hung up without another word.
Luna swallowed two extra-strength Tylenols and rummaged through her closet for a cardboard box. Damned if she was going to languish in her pain. The weather was unseasonably warm and she was going to let her sons take advantage of it. “C’mon, boys, let’s go to the playground!” she called up the stairs.
“Yay!’ Dylan yelled, and both boys bounded down the steps. Luna bundled Dylan into his coat, and Ben buttoned himself. Luna threw on a poncho and hat, and down the block they headed, to the schoolyard. Luna didn’t love playgrounds, but she wasn’t going to stop her kids from enjoying one – and this playground had no cylinders, anyway. What it did have was a humungous, winding slide that the boys loved.
Luna broke off two pieces of box and gave one to each boy. She sat on the slightly chilled bench and watched Dylan and Ben climb up steps and head down the big slide – their speed accelerated by the cardboard they tucked under their tushes. Again and again they did it, laughing and giggling while Luna snapped their pictures with her cell phone and forgot to feel shitty. “C’mon, Mommy, you do it too!’ Dylan implored.
Oh, why not? she thought. Her headache was gone – she was up for it! She tore off another piece of the box and headed up the stairs.
Whoosh! The world blurred as she plunged. Dylan, cheered, “Go, Mommy!” She panicked at the bottom but managed to pop up on her feet, albeit unsteadily.
“How was that?” Ben asked.
“A little too fast for my taste. I think I’ll leave the cardboard to you guys,” she answered.
“Yeah, you looked a little scared, Mom. Your face got all red.”
“Do it again, Mommy!’ Dylan implored. “Let’s all do it again!”
Luna put the cardboard to the side and climbed back on the slide with the kids. Without the box, the ride was actually pleasurable. They did it a bunch of times, and then played tag on the spongy foam that padded the playground. Luna was “it,” pretty much assuring that both boys would remain “safe.” And they did.
They walked home in twilight, past all the houses sparkling bright with Christmas lights. “When are we gonna have our lights on, Mommy?” Dylan asked.
Oy. “Ummm…”
“I can put them up, Mom,” Ben volunteered. “I helped dad last year.”
“Thanks, Sweetie, but I can’t let you go on the ladder—or on the roof.”
“Oh, fine.”
Luna didn’t know how she would get the lights up without asking Nick. Then Jiminy piped in, You can hire people to do things, Luna. What about that guy who mows your lawn?
Great idea! “I’ll ask Henry to put up the lights tomorrow,” Luna told Dylan.
“Yay!” Dylan cheered.
They turned the corner to their street. An unfamiliar red Datsun was parked in front of their darkened house. What now?
When they got close the driver door opened. It was Nick. “Daddy!” Dylan whooped. Both boys hugged their dad.
“I’m taking you guys to the Chinese buffet,” Nick told them.
“Yes!” Ben exclaimed. He loved the snow crab legs.
Luna felt the urge to call Amex and make sure Nick’s card was still cancelled. She gave Nick a questioning look. “I borrowed money from a friend—and his car,” Nick told her.
Who was this friend, and what kind of “friend” was he? Luna glanced inside the car. Were the seats sticky?
Stop! She commanded her brain. The kids missed their dad. She had to let them go. It would be cruel not to—and she’d look like the meanest person in the world to send him away.
So she kissed her kids and let them go off with Nick, bundled herself up and got into her minivan. Might as well go buy a Christmas tree while she had an unexpected free moment. She could surprise the kids with it when they got home.
She drove to the parking lot on the main drag in town, where they were selling trees. When she got out of the car a chill ran through her. The temperature had dropped in the few minutes she’d been driving, to the point that her breath was fogging. She gave her hat a tug to settle it firmer onto her head, and pulled up her scarf – but her nose had to remain exposed, so she wouldn’t feel like she was suffocating.
She stood at the entrance, staring at the rows of trees. A sappy smell permeated the air—the scent of trees bleeding out.
After all, they were dying: hacked and hauled from their home in the forest to spend their final moments in some suburban household, as a decoration under which to stick flat-screen TVs, Xboxs and more toys than any child could need. Luna was guilty of excess just like everyone else, but it suddenly seemed so sad that a tree brimming with such robust scent would be dragged to the curb as soon as January hit, a trail of prickly needles its only legacy.
Wasn’t it ironic that this holiday celebrated a birth?
What was the lesson of Jesus Christ’s life, anyway? Where had his compassion landed him?
Up on a cross, nails through his palms and feet.
Betrayed and forsaken.
Such morbid thoughts! She’d never dealt with buying a tree before. Nick had always gone to pick one out. Facing all these trees at once made her think of her childhood, and the fate of all of the trees in her youth. Each year, the brown and brittle evergreen would remain next to the TV until Easter, at least. Her mom couldn’t bear to throw anything away. Sitting there watching her shows, Luna heard the patter of shedding—like the tree was gently weeping. She tried to concentrate on the Fonz, Laverne & Shirley and Three’s Company, but the branches’ growing bareness could not be ignored.
“You need some help?” a hillbilly-accented guy in lumberjack clothing asked her. He must’ve been one of the tree hackers. She avoided his gaze, focusing instead on the sign nailed into some poor pine: “All trees $35!”
She wished she could pay $35 to buy back the roots for one of these trees. But at least she didn’t have to participate in this grisly ritual. “No thanks.”
“No one beats our deal,” he told her. His words bill
owed out in a cloud. “Guy a couple of miles down is charging $45 a tree.”
“It’s not the price,” she said.
“Then what is it?” he asked.
What would be the point in telling the truth to a guy who had sawed these trees down for profit? “I can’t make this decision myself. I’ll come back with my husband.”
He broke into a smile, displaying spaces where several teeth should’ve been. “Yeah. Tree shopping’s a guy thing, I guess.”
“I guess,” Luna said, although she couldn’t see why that would be the case. Tree chopping, yes—but wasn’t shopping supposed to be a woman’s game? Well, not this woman.
She got back in her car and headed to Ace Hardware, where she bought a fake tree and, at Jiminy’s suggestion, new locks for the doors. She wasn’t sure she could handle changing the cylinders, but he insisted she could. So she took it on faith that he was right. After all, ‘twas the season to believe.
Luna got the tree out of the box and in its stand before the boys returned. The packaging had promised easy assembly, which proved true: the tree was in three pieces marked “1,” “2,” and “3.” Any child could have put them together; this was way simpler than Legos.
But the finished tree was gaunt, to say the least—what she might call malnourished, if it could have been nourished. Sparse was too kind a word for the branches. WTF? The photo on the box depicted a full, fluffy specimen. Was it even the same tree? If so, what kind of angle did they shoot it at?
The kids are gonna hate it!
It just needs some primping. Bend the branches into the spaces, Jiminy advised.
But when she twisted a branch into one spot, another patch opened.
“Christ! This is as impossible as filling the gaps of my life. Can’t anything be what is seems?”
Maybe your perception’s off, Jiminy said. And I wish you wouldn’t use the Lord’s name in vain.
“Are you serious?”
No. I was just trying to throw some levity into the situation. God knows, you need to lighten up, Luna.
“Do you mean, God literally knows? Or are you just using an expression?” She still wasn’t sure what Jiminy was – or who had sent him.
Up to you to interpret, my dear. It’s all good.
“Is it, Jiminy?” It sure didn’t feel that way. But whatever Jiminy would’ve asnswered – if he had answered – was lost because the front door swung open. Her boys were home.
“Mommmmy!’ Dylan cheered, rushing into her arms.
“Hey, baby.” She hugged him hard.
“Guess what? I made the ice cream come out of the machine all by myself!”
“Wow!”
Ben strolled over for his hug. “I had a pile of snow crab legs. I sucked the meat right out of them.”
“Yum!” Luna mustered up a smile, even though she felt kind of bad for the crabs. She wasn’t a vegetarian, but she felt like she should be.
Nick sauntered in. Luna felt a pang of panic. What if he doesn’t leave?
He’ll leave, Luna. He’s just a big pussy in wolf’s clothing, Jiminy reassured her. And it’s not even wolf’s clothing. It’s Banana Republic. Hardly bad-ass. No self-respecting wolf would wear that.
Luna laughed.
“What’s so funny?” Nick asked.
“Nothing. Just glad to see the kids.”
“Imagine how I feel,” he snarled.
“Okay, Nick. The boys need to go bed. Say goodbye.”
Nick stared at her. After a few beats he said, “Alright, I’m going.”
See how good assertion feels? Jiminy asked.
It did feel good.
And it’s like a muscle. The more you use it, the more it develops, he added.
We’ll see.
Nick hugged the kids, then focused on the tree. He smirked. “Nice. Pick that out all by yourself?”
Ignore him, Jiminy said.
But now everyone was staring at the so-called tree. “Mommy, why are there so many holes?” Dylan exclaimed.
“It’s a fake tree,” she told him. “I’m trying to save real trees’ lives. I’ll figure out how to make this tree look better – just give me some time to work on it.”
“If you say so,” he said dubiously.
“I’m glad you saved the trees, Mom,” Ben said.
“Your mother didn’t save any trees, Ben,” Nick said. His goodfellas voice gave his words an extra condemning tone. “The trees were already chopped down.”
“Yes, but if everyone stopped buying the trees, no one would cut down any more,” Luna said.
“Do you really think that’s going to happen?” Nick snickered.
“I’m just being the change I wish to see in the world,” Luna told him, meeting his insolent glare. He turned away, mumbling something about her needing robes and beads to be Gandhi junior. She was surprised he knew who to credit her reference to. Maybe it was just a lucky guess.
“Say goodnight to Daddy,” Luna told the boys.
Nick hugged them both, and then he left – just like Jiminy had said he would.
Things are only obstacles if you see them as such,” Jiminy said, as Luna clicked the lock behind Nick.
Maybe so, Jiminy. I’m just not sure how to stop seeing them as such.
FOURTEEN
Luna stepped back into the living room. God, the tree belonged with Charlie Brown. “This tree has potential,” she said¸ mustering some enthusiasm in an effort to convince herself as much as the boys. We’ll decorate after school tomorrow. But for now: to bed!”
The boys looked mopey. “Oh, come on,” she said. “You can’t be that disappointed in the tree, or the fact that it’s bedtime. What’s wrong?”
“I wish Daddy could stay with us,” Dylan lamented.
“Stupid wieners,” Ben mumbled, staring at the floor.
Luna studied her dejected boys, wondering if she was destroying their childhoods. Was it wrong to throw out their father, even if he was a gay sex addict? It was hard being in charge. What if she’d made a wrong move? Should she have continued with the sham? The sound of bells came from outside, and then a thump. It was Jingles jumping onto the deck, of course. But she wished it was Santa, coming early to grant her wishes. That gay husbands could be set straight, or at least show some remorse. That someone could actually be honest and keep the promises they’d made.
“I’m sorry, guys. I don’t know what else to say,” said Luna.
Then Dylan brightened. “It’s okay, Mommy. I just remembered, Daddy said we could get a dog when he gets his house,” Dylan said.
Leave it to Nick to one-up her in theory, mentioning a home he was incapable of acquiring anytime soon—unless Lotto finally paid off.
“Alrighty, then,” Luna said. “Better not tell Jingles. He’ll get jealous.” As if on cue, the cat meowed loudly at the deck door. Luna unlocked it and let him in, He rubbed against her leg in appreciation.
No doubt fueled by the sugar in his ice cream, Dylan rocketed up the stairs. Luna held Ben behind. “It’s not just because of the wieners, sweetie,” she told him.
Ben looked down again. She wasn’t used to him turning away. She said, “Daddy and I had lots of problems. The wieners were just an example of them. He wouldn’t be here even if you hadn’t seen them, or you hadn’t told me.”
He looked at her. “Really?”
“Really.”
He hugged her, and she returned it tightly, squeezing her arms against this boy she’d carried, too big to carry now. She nuzzled her nose into his crown and smelled Johnson’s No More Tears – she still bought it, he had such sensitive skin. Now he washed his hair himself, but he was far from grown up emotionally. She had to make sure he knew he could count on her. She said, “You can tell me anything, baby.”
Luna dreamed she was kissing a man in the dark. She felt the moistness of his lips on hers, she tasted his tongue, and even though she didn’t know him or even what he looked like, it didn’t matter because they were sharing this moment. Th
ey had this connection. But the morning came and there was no man, there never had been a man, there hadn’t been a man kissing her for three years – and even before that it wasn’t like Nick had been the make-out king. Luna felt like she would explode if she didn’t find someone to kiss – to touch. It was still dark out, and she had a half hour before she needed to wake up the kids. She reached deep under her bed, straining until her fingers touched the photo storage box she housed her rabbit vibrator in. It couldn’t kiss her, but at least it would touch something. Made of cold rubber and sans cotton-tail, the only thing this object had in common with bunnies was the prong on its side with ears that twitched the clit while the massive faux-penis pulsed inside the vag. She tried not too use it often – not only because it couldn’t be healthy to insert chemical compounds inside her (did the government regulate the cancer risks of plastic sex toys?) but more because it was a lonely endeavor. Nevertheless, her rabbit was always there, ready to jack-knife into her cunt when the going got that tough – which was way more than she could have ever said for Nick. She closed her palm around the mini-missile and shoved it in before she could give it a good look. The bunny ears actually had a little face underneath, which she’d found quite creepy the one time she’d made the mistake of looking at it. Who wants an animal gnawing away at their mound?
The rabbit was inserted, and she hit the two switches, pushing them to their maxes. One to make it swirl, the other for intense, vibrating action. Sometimes she started with a slow twirl, but today she just wanted this done. She closed her eyes while her rabbit whirled and whirred, and she imagined it was a man doing this to her –or at least, doing something humanly possible along these lines. She imagined him caring about her at least enough to want to please her, to massage her clit and rhythmically pound inside to make her come. This had never really happened to her, but she’d read about it. She had come with Nick a few times, completely by accident, usually when she’d been so angry with him that it sparked a passionate rage that propelled her up that mountain to glory. Once she’d let out a cry in unexpected joy. He’d frozen, and told her sharply that she was too loud. After that she never let herself get carried very far, because half an orgasm was purgatory with no way up or down.
Luna Rising Page 9