One of the nurses was at her door. ‘What’s wrong, Tan?’ she asked.
‘I’m sorry for waking you, but one of the kids that came in last night—he’s taken a bad turn.’
Lien was already walking back to her bedroom to grab some clothes. ‘Tell me more.’
‘He’s seven. Khiem admitted him with a type of malaria. His temperature had been really high and he had some infected bites. We started him on IV fluids and IV antibiotics. For a few hours we thought he was picking up.’
She’d finished pulling on her trousers and blouse. Her stomach had that sinking feeling as she quickly brushed her teeth. Over the last couple of years she’d managed to get dressed and out of the house within two minutes. As she crossed the grounds towards the hospital she twisted her hair up and fastened it with a clip.
A range of things was shooting through her mind. Japanese encephalitis? It could progress out of nowhere really quickly.
She’d only just made it onto the ward when Joe joined her. He was wearing jeans and a red shirt. Her stomach twisted. It was the one he liked to wear in bed.
‘Where did you come from?’ she asked.
He gave her a soft smile. ‘Haven’t you realised I’ve got a built-in radar when it comes to you?’
She returned his smile. Since coming back from the other hospital their relationship had blossomed quickly, and no one seemed surprised.
They never slept overnight in the same house but she often joined Joe and Regan for dinner, and frequently told Regan a bedtime story. It was always the small hours of the morning when she made her way back to her own house. They’d never really discussed it. There had been plenty of times when Joe had hugged her tighter and asked her to stay. But for Lien it didn’t feel right. She didn’t want Regan to wake up early one morning and find her in Joe’s bed when he wasn’t expecting it. She liked the way their relationship had been a slow burn.
It made it feel more real. More valuable. She’d got to know both Joe and Regan over months before anything had happened. They were friends first. He respected her. Getting to know him felt like peeling back layers. The big Scot was so much more vulnerable than anyone really knew—she suspected even his mum and dad. He hid it well. But the fact that he exposed little bits of it to her made her appreciate how close they were becoming. There were still parts of herself that she kept locked up—she continually tried to avoid thinking about the differences in their backgrounds. So she couldn’t really expect him to tell her everything at once.
Esther’s name was barely mentioned. Lien didn’t like to ask questions. What she knew and what she’d learned had mainly been through casual conversations about something else, or from the little snippets that Regan occasionally blurted out.
His family were so welcoming. She’d already had an open invitation to visit Scotland from his mum and dad, and while that was lovely, it only made her feel more self-conscious. Could she really visit and be around people so obviously wealthy? She hadn’t fitted in before, and she’d vowed never to feel like that again.
Joe touched her arm and smiled at her. There was an intensity to the gaze between them now, an intimacy, and every time he looked at her that way her mouth automatically responded. ‘Tell me about our patient,’ he said.
Tan appeared with the notes and gestured them both over to the room where the small child lay. She spoke quickly. ‘This is Chinh. He was admitted last night with a fever and infected bites. He has malaria and has been on IV fluids and IV antibiotics with little effect so far. His heart rate has increased, and his blood pressure has dropped in the last twenty minutes.’
Lien went to step forward but Joe got there first. He touched the little boy’s hand and his head shot round, his gaze fixing on hers. She could tell immediately he was concerned. ‘What?’ she mouthed.
Joe bent over the little boy and started saying a few words in Vietnamese to him, asking him how he felt, and if he could tell him his name, with little response.
He ran his hands over the little boy’s arms, lifting the sheet to look at his leg. Two of the bites on his lower leg looked particularly angry. One had a nasty thin red trail tracking just underneath the skin.
‘Sepsis,’ said Joe quietly, his head flicked to Tan. ‘Do we have a sepsis trolley?’
Lien shook her head. ‘No.’
He turned to face her. ‘We have a history of skin infection, he’s tachycardic, his breathing is shallow, he’s confused and it looks like one of the bites is tracking. His hands are cold and clammy and his colour is poor.’ He pulled his stethoscope from his pocket and listened to the little boy’s chest. ‘Shallow breathing,’ he murmured.
He shot her a nod of acknowledgement. ‘For me, this has to be sepsis.’
He gave her a few seconds. Her brain was racing. It had been a while since she’d seen a child with sepsis. Their deterioration could be very rapid as the infection raced through the blood, and the body’s own overwhelming response could lead to tissue damage, organ failure and death.
She reached up and turned the IV bag around. ‘These antibiotics clearly aren’t working. Let’s give him something else. Let’s do something about that blood pressure too.’
‘He needs an ICU,’ said Joe in a hushed voice. ‘Is there one nearby we can transfer him to?’
‘Let me try and arrange it,’ she said, tears pricking at the back of her eyes.
Sepsis could rarely be predicted but sometimes, if it was recognised early enough, action could be taken to stop it being fatal. Lien was praying that Tan had called them quickly enough to try and have some kind of effect.
She picked up the phone. Transferring a patient from their hospital to the nearby ICU would be costly. May Mắn Hospital would be expected to pick up the cost as the referring hospital. The truth was, Lien didn’t care about things like that. But life at the hospital meant making a decision that could affect everyone who worked here. It could mean fewer supplies, fewer facilities for the large population of people that they served. She could stop and wake up Khiem and Hoa to consult with them. But they trusted her. And she knew the decision had to be made.
She started speaking to the ICU, arranging the admission by speaking to the receiving physician, then booking an ambulance to transfer the little boy. Tan had already spoken to the parents—but they hadn’t arrived yet.
Joe moved about, making up a new set of IV antibiotics and starting their administration. He monitored the little boy alongside Tan, charting everything carefully.
He was meticulous, and she was grateful for that, because she could feel herself starting to feel overwhelmed at the speed with which the little boy’s condition was deteriorating.
The ambulance arrived and they helped with the transfer. The little boy’s parents appeared just in time to climb in the back of the ambulance and kiss him before the transfer. By now Khiem and Hoa had appeared, with Hoa offering to drive the parents to the other hospital.
Lien waited until everything was done and the ambulance had disappeared in the distance before she felt her shoulders start to shake.
Joe exchanged a glance with Tan as he slung an arm around Lien’s shoulders. ‘Is there anything else that needs to be done right now?’
Tan shook her head and Joe nodded gratefully. ‘I’m taking Lien for a break.’
He walked her back across the gardens to his house, settling her on the sofa while he woke Regan, got him dressed and fed him breakfast in extra quick time.
Regan was his usual chatty self and didn’t seem to notice that anything was wrong.
Joe bent down and whispered in her ear. ‘Do you want to wait here while I drop Regan at school?’
She shook her head. Her stomach was in such knots that she just wanted to get some air. ‘I’ll come with you. The walk will do me good.’
She still felt jittery. She couldn’t stop thinking about the little boy. It didn
’t matter that Hoa had admitted him the night before. Lien had been on call last night. Maybe she should have gone over to the ward in the middle of the night just to double-check on the patients. Instead, she’d been in Joe’s house—in Joe’s bed—for a few hours before finally stealing back to her house in the early hours of the morning.
Tan had come for her this morning, but if Lien had been there, would she have picked up any deterioration earlier?
Joe held her hand the whole way to the nursery, and had his arm around her as they walked back, guiding her into one of the local coffee houses and sitting her at a table. She didn’t even need to say what she wanted. An iced coffee and a bar of her favourite Vietnamese chocolate.
She’d expected him to sit opposite her, but he didn’t. He sat next to her, putting his arm around her waist.
As she reached for her coffee she realised her hands were shaking.
‘We need to give it a few hours,’ Joe said. ‘I’ll phone to find out how he’s doing. You know things will be hectic while they try to stabilise Chinh.’
It was almost as if he’d flicked a switch and turned on a tap in her. All her emotions bubbled to the surface. ‘What if I missed it? What if I could have picked this up hours ago?’
Joe shook his head. ‘It’s sepsis. It’s one of the most missed conditions in the world. It’s only now that hospitals are really getting a handle on the signs and symptoms.’
She put her head in her hands. ‘It was you who picked it up, not me.’
Joe shook his head. ‘Only because I ended up a few steps in front of you. I’ve seen this. I’ve seen this before. Twice. As soon as I touched his cold hands my gut instinct just kicked in. You would have got this, Lien. I know you would have.’
She turned to face him, her emotions more raw than ever. ‘But would I have? I should have gone back over last night. But instead I was distracted. I was with you.’
‘What?’
Joe’s face had fallen. He shook his head. ‘We were together, Lien. You were still available at a moment’s notice. You were still there if you were needed.’
She knew his words made perfect sense. But right now she just couldn’t think straight. All she could think about was the little boy. She’d never seen a case of sepsis before. She knew it was worst in children and in the elderly, but she’d never seen a patient deteriorate so quickly.
She put her head back in her hands. ‘It almost feels like I could see his organs failing, one by one, right before my eyes.’
Joe’s arm tightened at her waist. ‘It’s a horrible condition. It seems to come out of nowhere and it’s vicious.’
He was still here. He was still supporting her, with his arms around her.
Even though she’d lashed out. Even though she’d almost blamed him for keeping her from her work.
Guilt flooded through her. If she’d been alone last night in her house, would she really have got up in the middle of the night, uncalled for, to check on the patients?
She reached out and put her hand over his on the table. She couldn’t hide the fact her hands were still trembling.
Joe’s voice was steady. ‘Maybe you need a break. You work so hard. You’re completely dedicated to the hospital. Maybe you need some time away.’
She felt instantly wounded by those words. ‘Why would I want to be away from the place I love?’
Joe adjusted in his seat. He spoke softly. ‘What I meant to say was maybe you’d like a holiday. A chance to be somewhere entirely different. Like...Scotland, with me.’
She froze. The tiny hairs on her skin prickled. Her brain felt as if it was spinning. This again. The conversation she kept trying to avoid. She shook her head. ‘Scotland.’
It must have been the way the words came out but in her confusion she could see the wave of regret on his face. He looked down at the table. ‘Maybe you need a change. I’d love you to join us. I can’t stop thinking about this. I’d love you to come with us, Lien. Every time I bring it up you seem to avoid the conversation.’ He pressed a hand to his chest. ‘Tell me, Lien, am I reading this all wrong? I want to be with you. I can see a life for us together. You, me and Regan. Can’t you see it too?’
She blinked. He was inviting her to visit in Scotland. The conversation that neither of them had actually had. But it felt all wrong.
‘But you’re going back. You’re going back to put Regan in school. It’s not a holiday, Joe. It’s a relocation.’
He sighed and ran his hands through his hair. ‘My time at the hospital will be up shortly. I’m sure that Khiem and Hoa have already recruited someone for this job. I need to go back home. Regan needs a chance to spend some time with his grandparents again.’ He let out a long slow breath. ‘I just wondered if you wanted to see a little of Scotland.’
Her insides were churning. Part of her had wanted this conversation to take place. She’d half dreaded that he might just step back on the plane back to Scotland and wave goodbye.
What she really wanted to do was throw her hands around his neck and try to keep him with her.
But life didn’t work like that. He had a job back home. A house. A house that someone like her would never belong in. It didn’t matter how welcoming his parents were. After a while they’d enquire about her, where she came from, and what her own parents were like.
Lien didn’t want to leave them. She didn’t want to live in a different country from them. How could she keep them safe if she wasn’t here? How could she try to keep them healthy?
‘You’re going home, Joe. You’re going back to your job, and your life. If I came—then what? You show me around Scotland for a few weeks then I come back here?’
‘I guess that depends on you,’ he replied. His gaze was steady, and she just wasn’t sure if he was nervous about making any more suggestions.
She shook her head. ‘I don’t understand what you’re saying.’ Frustration swept over her.
Joe squeezed her hand. ‘I guess I’m wondering what you’ll think when you get there.’ He gave a kind of hopeful smile. ‘Maybe you’ll love Scotland as much as I love Vietnam. Maybe you’ll decide you want to stay with me and Regan. Work there.’
She could feel all her automatic defences slide into place. ‘Because that’s the only way we’ll work—if I give up my life and come to Scotland with you and Regan? Scotland. A place I’ve never been, and know nothing about.’
He pulled back from her, grasping his hands together on the table and wringing them together. ‘I don’t know, Lien. I don’t know how any of this will work. I’m trying to make sense of everything in my head. I’m trying to think of a way that this—us—doesn’t actually end.’
Again her skin prickled and she took a deep breath. He was telling her that he didn’t want this to end. Part of her heart wanted to sing. But it couldn’t. Because in all his ramblings she hadn’t heard any solution that would work for her.
Try as she may, she couldn’t put the picture of his home out of her head. How many times over could her own parents’ home fit into Joe’s? Tears pricked at the corner of her eyes. She hated this. She hated those deep-down thoughts of not being good enough. It didn’t matter how much she tried to shake them off, the adversity of poverty was ingrained within her. She’d learned to accept those feelings were there. She put her hands flat on the table, as if she was trying to steady herself. ‘You know that I adore Regan,’ she said steadily. ‘And I would love it if you both stayed. But...’ she shook her head slowly and willed herself not to cry ‘...I’m not sure that coming to Scotland is a good idea.’
‘Why?’
‘Because I can’t stay, Joe. I won’t stay. My life is here, in Hanoi. I’ve worked in a few other places for six months at a time. But I wasn’t in either of those places to put down permanent ties. I always knew my permanent ties were here at the hospital. If I go to Scotland and stay with you and Regan, even
for a few weeks...’ she swallowed ‘...it gives him an unrealistic expectation of what happens next. He’s a kid, Joe. He’ll think we’re playing happy families, and if I pack my case a few weeks later to leave again, what does that do to him? To his little brain? He’s already got around losing someone he loved. How cruel would it be to walk away from him? I’m telling you upfront that I can’t stay, but you’re asking me to come without thinking about what message that sends to Regan.’
Joe bristled next to her. She’d never accused him of not paying attention to Regan’s needs before, and this had obviously set him on edge. He went to open his mouth but Lien turned directly towards him and held her hand in front of his mouth. ‘Would you want to tell your son that I don’t love him enough to stay?’ Tears spilled down her cheeks. She couldn’t stop them.
Whatever words had been on Joe’s lips seemed to die in the air between them.
His phone buzzed. A text from the hospital. But she wasn’t interested in the text. She was interested in the fact that a few months on, his screen shot hadn’t changed. It was still Esther.
It seemed so petty to complain about a photo of his dead wife. But it made her stomach ache in a horrible twisty way.
Joe seemed oblivious to it. He didn’t even notice it any more.
But she did.
He reached up to brush away her tears but she shook her head and pulled back out of his reach. ‘Don’t.’
She couldn’t bear him to touch her right now. Touching him would evoke all the memories that would make her crumble. His touch was proving addictive to her, and she couldn’t go there right now. Not when she was trying so hard to be strong.
Joe’s face looked broken. His voice came out of nowhere. ‘Don’t you love him enough to stay? Don’t you love me enough to stay?’
Rage flooded over her like a tidal wave. ‘How can you say that to me? How can you ask if I love you both enough to give up my whole life for you, when you wouldn’t consider it for me?’
She pushed herself up from the chair. ‘You’re not playing fair. Why should I do this? Why should I be prepared to give up everything, go to Scotland and get my own heart broken when I have to leave?’
Healing the Single Dad's Heart Page 13