by Филиппа Карр
"I was very frightened then.”
"Because you knew you were doing wrong. You should never have looked at the sacred chapel. You should never have seen the jeweled Madonna. But now, she has disappeared, and the sacred chapel is empty.”
"I would be afraid to go in now, Bruno.”
He gripped my arm. "You do not think any harm could come to you when you were with me?”
I did not answer for all the time we were drawing closer toward those gray walls.
He turned suddenly and I saw his face stern in the moonlight.
"Damask," he said, "do you believe that I am not as other men?”
"But...." I could hear Keziah's voice then, that confession of hers. "He threatened me and I told him what should never be told.... I was with child by the monk....”
"I want you to know the truth," he went on. "It is important to me that you should.
Lies were told. People tell lies under torture. The woman Keziah lied; the monk lied.
The world is full of lies -but one must not attach too much blame to the liars when they lie under stress. They have never learned to master their bodies. Physical torture will make a liar of many a great man who yearns to speak only the truth. I tell you this: I know I am not as other men. I came into the world... not as they would have you believe. I know it, Damask. And if you are to be with me... you must know it too. You must believe it. You must believe in me.”
He looked strange and beautiful in the moonlight-godlike different from anyone else I had ever known and I loved him, so I said as meekly as my mother might to Simon Caseman: "I believe you, Bruno.”
"So you are not afraid to go into the Abbey with me?”
"Not with you.”
He pushed open the door through which I had seen the ghostly figure pass, and we were in the silence of the Abbey.
The coldness struck me at once after the warm air outside; it rose through the soles of my shoes from the stone floor and I shivered.
"There is nothing to fear while you are with me," Bruno assured me.
But I could not forget Keziah's coming back after that terrible night at the inn with Rolf Weaver and although I wanted to believe as Bruno desired me to, I could not in my heart accept the fact that Keziah could have made up such a story.
But I was with Bruno and happy as I had not been since my father's death and I sensed that he had asked me to come tonight because he had something of great importance to say to me.
He had found a lantern which he had lighted and he said he would take me to the Abbot's lodging. It was a strange, eerie exploration and during it I expected us to be confronted by the ghostly monk. Bruno showed me a fine vaulted hall and the many rooms where the Abbot had his dwelling. It was clear that the workmen had been there and this house was in the process of being turned into a residence of some magnificence. We left the Abbot's lodging and Bruno showed me the refectory, a plain stone building with strong buttresses, where the monks had sat for two hundred years under the raftered oak roof.
Very soon, I thought, the man on whom the Abbey was bestowed would be living here, and Bruno was taking a last look while he could still do so. He led me through the cloisters; he took me to the cells of the monks; he showed me the bakehouse where he had once sat with Brother Clement. I reminded him of what I had heard of his stealing cakes hot from the oven.
"They like to tell these tales of me," said Bruno.
That night he showed me so much that I had never seen before. I wondered why but I guessed later. I saw the monks' parlor and dorter; I saw the infirmaries, the Brothers’ kitchen, the cloisters, the monks' frater. And all by the light of the lantern and the moon.
"You see," said Bruno to me, "this is a world of its own, but now a shattered world.
Why should it not be born again?”
"What will he on whom it has been bestowed do with so much?" I asked. "He will have a very fine manor house from the Abbot's lodging, but there is so much else besides.”
"There is more-much more. And beneath it all a labyrinth of tunnels and cellars.
But they are dangerous and you should not visit those.”
He took me then to the church. Although this had been robbed of its valuable ornaments and thieves had stolen the gold and silver thread from the vestments, little damage had been done to the church itself. I stared up at the high vaulted roof supported by the massive stone buttress. The stained-glass windows were intact. They represented the story of the Crucifixion. Now the shrouded moonlight reflecting the brilliant blues and reds cast an uncanny light on the scene.
Bruno drew me to a curtain which hung to the right of the altar and pulled this aside.
We were in a small chapel and I knew instinctively that this was the Lady Chapel in which eighteen years before Brother Thomas had placed the crib he had fashioned and on the following Christmas morning the Abbot had come and discovered a living child in it.
Holding my hand firmly in his, Bruno drew me into the Chapel.
"It was here they found me," he said, "and I have brought you here because there is something I wish to say to you and I wish to say it here. I have chosen you to share my life.”
"Bruno," I cried, "are you asking me to marry you?”
"That is so.”
"Then you love me! You truly love me?”
"As you love me," he answered.
"Oh, Bruno... I did not know. I never thought that you loved me enough for that.”
"What if I offered you a life of poverty?”
"Do you think I would care for that?”
"But you have been brought up in plenty. It is true now you have lost your inheritance but you could marry comfortably. Rupert will be able to offer you a good home.”
"Do you think I wish to marry for a good home?”
"You should consider well. Could you live a hermit's life in a cave, in a hut? Could you suffer cold in winter? Could you wander the countryside with sometimes no roof but the sky?”
"I would go anywhere with the one I loved.”
"And you love me, Damask. You always did.”
"Yes," I agreed, for it was true. I had always loved him, in a strange, compulsive way which was due to the fact that I had seen him always as different from other men.
"Then you would come with me... no matter what hardship you had to endure?”
"Yes " I said, "I would come with you." He embraced me then. His lips warm with passion were on my own.
"You would love me, obey me and bear me children?”
"Gladly," I cried.
"Did you not always know that I was the one for you?”
"Always, but I did not think you cared for me.”
"You thought it was Kate," he said. "Foolish Damask.”
"Yes, I thought it was Kate. She is so brilliant, so beautiful... and I...”
"You are my chosen one," he said.
"I feel as though I have stepped into a dream.”
"A happy dream, Damask?”
"Happy," I replied, "as I never thought to be again.”
"Then we will plight our troth here... in this chapel where years ago they found me. That is fitting. That is what I wish. Damask, consider. A life of hardship. Can you face it... for love?”
"Gladly," I replied earnestly. "And I rejoice that you have nothing to offer me.
I want to show you how much I love you.”
Again he touched my face gently. "You please me, Damask, he said. "Oh, how you please me. Here on this altar we will make our vows. Damask, swear to love me, and I will swear to cherish you.”
"I swear," I said.
We left the chapel and came out into the night air. We crossed the patch of grass where we were wont to sit when we were children.
"This is our wedding night," he said. 'But there has been no marriage ceremony.”
When you plighted your troth to me in the chapel we were as one.”
Bruno," I said, "you were always different from everyone else.
That is why I have always loved
you, but if we are to be married I shall have to tell my mother. There will be a ceremony...”
"That will be for later. You belong to me now. You trust me.
You believe in me. It must be so or you would not be my chosen one or I yours. You have said you love me enough to give up everything-a life of easy comfort, yet you do not know what hardship is. Are you sure, Damask? It is not yet too late.”
"I am sure. I will cook for you, work for you...”
"And believe in me," he added.
"I will be everything you wish," I promised. "I shall be happier with you in a cottage than in a castle.”
"It must be so. You must trust me, believe in me, work with me and for me.”
"So shall I, with all my heart.”
"This is our wedding night," he said again.
I understood his meaning and drew back. I was a virgin. I had been brought up to believe that this was a state which should not be surrendered until marriage-but this was marriage, he had said, and I must not expect life with Bruno to be as it would with other men.
"You are thinking that I plan to seduce you and leave you?" he said sadly. "So you doubt me after all.”
"No.”
"But you do. You hesitate. I thought you were brave. I believed you when you said you trusted me. Perhaps I was mistaken. Perhaps you should go back to the house... Perhaps we should say good-bye.”
He kissed me then with a passion I had not dreamed of.
I said: "Bruno, you are different tonight. What has happened?”
"Tonight I am your lover," he replied.
"And I am ignorant of love... this kind of love. I will do anything you ask of me, but...”
"Love has many facets. It is like the diamond in the Madonna's crown. Do you remember it, Damask? It shone with a pale light and a fiery light-it was red, blue, yellow... all the colors of the spectrum... But it was the same diamond.”
As he spoke his hands moved over my body and I was never more aware of the strange nature of the fascination he had for me. I was conscious of his power over me but I was not sure whether my feelings for him were love as others had experienced it.
It was not what I felt for Rupert or my father. Nor was his love for me like Rupert's. I sensed in Bruno a need to subdue me and in myself an urgent desire to be subdued.
I could believe in that moment that he was different from all other men. Perhaps every girl feels this of her lover. I did not mean merely that he possessed all the perfections. I felt in that moment that there was some godlike quality about him and that no matter what the consequences I must obey him.
My will dissolved I was willing and eager to cast aside everything that I had been taught, to throw aside my respect of that chastity which must be surrendered only to my husband. But Bruno was my husband.
I had convinced myself. Bruno knew it. I heard his low laugh of triumph.
"Oh, Damask," I heard him say. "You are the one for me. You love me, do you not… utterly, completely... so that you are ready to give up all for me?”
I heard myself answer: "Yes, Bruno. I do.”
And that was my wedding night; there on our bed of bracken we were as one.
Nothing, I knew, could ever be the same again; and even in these moments of passion I could not rid myself of the thought that I was taking part in some sacrificial ceremony.
It was early morning when I crept into the house, bemused and disheveled. We had walked back to the house together, our arms about each other, and Bruno had stood waving until I disappeared inside.
I was in a state of exultation and wonderment after my experience and I could think of nothing else. Life had become a glorious adventure. I had reached a peak of happiness and for the time I did not want to look back or look forward; I wanted to remain poised as though on my mountaintop, to savor all that had happened, to remember our whispered words, our need of each other, to recall the moments of perfect union.
Bruno seemed to me like a god. That sense of power which had always been apparent was magnified.
There is no one like him in the whole world, I thought. And he loves me. I am his and he is mine forever.
I had come across the hall and as I was about to mount the stairs I was aware of a movement. A figure appeared. I was looking up at Simon Caseman. In the dim light his face looked chalky; the fox's mask stood out clearly, his eyes were narrowed.
"So," he said quietly but venomously, "you creep out at night like other sluts.”
His hand darted forward and I thought he was going to strike me, but he had plucked a leaf from my sleeve. "You could have chosen a more comfortable bed," he added.
I attempted to walk past him but he barred my way.
"I am your guardian, your stepfather. I want an explanation of this wanton behavior.”
"What if I don't propose to give it?”
"Do you think I shall allow this? Do you think you can deceive me? You betray yourself.
I know what has happened. Nothing was ever more clear to me.”
"It is my own affair.”
"And do you expect me to feed and clothe your bastards when they come along?”
I was suddenly so angry that I brought up a hand to strike him. He caught my arm before I could do so and he brought his face close to mine. "You slut!" he cried.
"You...”
"Do you wish to wake the household?”
"It would be good to do so that they might know what sort you are. Whore! Doxy! Any man's for the asking!”
"I proved I was not that to you.”
"By God," he said, "I will teach you...”
I could see the lust in his eyes and it frightened me.
"If you do not release me," I said, "I shall awaken the whole household. It would be well for my mother to know the kind of man she has married.”
"A man who is doing his duty by her daughter?" he asked, but I could see that I had alarmed him. He knew my sharp tongue and he feared it.
He stood back a few paces. "I am your stepfather," he said. "I have a responsibility toward you. It is my duty to take charge of you.”
"As you took charge of my father's possessions?”
"You ungrateful slut! Where would you have been if I had not allowed you to stay here? If I had not come here....”
The words slipped out: "Perhaps my father would be free » now.
He was taken aback, and I thought: I believe it's true. I believe he betrayed him.
Loathing for him swept over me. He was about to speak but he changed his mind. It was as though he were trying to pretend he had not understood the significance of my words.
There was a silence while we looked at each other. I knew my suspicion of him showed in my face; in his a certain hatred mingling with his lust.
He said: "I have tried to be a father to you.”
"When you were rejected as a husband!”
"I was fond of you, Damask.”
"You were fond of my inheritance... that which is now yours and should have been mine.”
"It fell to me when your father... lost it. How fortunate for you that it came to me and not to some stranger. Think what would have happened to you and your mother if I had not been here to take care of you.”
"I am thinking of what would have happened if my father had never taken you into his office. I am thinking of what would have happened if he had never given you a home here.”
"You would have lost a good friend.”
"It is we ourselves who decide the value of our friends.”
"You are a wicked, ungrateful girl." He was recovering from the shock of my veiled accusation. "Good God," he cried. "I have the feelings of a father toward you. I have tried to cherish you. I have thought highly of you and I find that you are but a willing wench who will surrender her virtue for the sake of frolic in the grass when all decent folk are in their beds.”
In sudden fury I slapped him across the ear and this time he was too late to prevent me. I hated him not so much because his crude words an
d sly hints were besmirching my exalted experience, but because I felt more sure than I ever had that he was the man who had informed against my father. If I had been entirely convinced I would have wanted to kill him.
The strength of my blow sent him reeling against the banister. He fell down two or three steps. I heard him groan as I hurried up the stairs and went along to my room.
I sat in a chair and watched the sunrise. I lived through the night-my union with the man I loved; my encounter with the man I hated. Sacred and profane! I thought.
I sat there dreaming and it occurred to me that there was one quality they had in common! A love of power.
I dozed a little and dreamed of them and in my dreams I was lying with Bruno on the grass; he was bending over me and suddenly his face changed to that of Simon Caseman.
Love and lust -so close in a way and yet so far apart.
It was dawn. A fresh day. I was full of excitement, wondering what it would bring forth.
In the morning my mother came to me.
"Your father has sprained his ankle," she said. "He fell on the stairs last night.”
"How did he do that?" I asked.
"He slipped. He will keep to his chamber today. In fact I have insisted that he rest.”
She looked important. For once she was insisting; but I guessed that he had chosen to stay in his room because he did not wish to see me.
"I must see that the fomentations are put on," she said. "There is nothing like them for easing a sprain. Alternate hot and cold. Dear me. I thank God I have my chamomile lotion ready. That will ease the pain; and I think I shall give him a little poppy juice. Sleep is always good.”
I said: "The man has merely sprained his ankle, Mother. You talk as though he is sickening for the plague.”
"Don't say such things," she scolded, looking over her shoulder.
And I marveled that this man should have brought a happiness to her which my saintly father had failed to give her.
I wanted to be alone to dream of my future. What next, I asked myself? Shall I see him again tonight? Will he send a messenger for me? The day seemed long and irksome.
Every time I heard a step on the stair I hoped it would be one of the maids come to tell me that Bruno was waiting for me.
That afternoon my mother came to my room. I felt sick with disappointment. I had thought the step on the stair was that of one of the maids bringing a message from Bruno.