I shrugged. “I don’t know where it came from. I’ll flip channels on the TV and become completely engrossed in a random documentary. Last week, I learned about the history of chocolate making. A few days before that it was a documentary on Pearl Harbor.”
“Any questions for me?” Roni asked. She was finally opening up to me, and I didn’t want to blow my chances. As much as seeing her naked body glisten in the heated water turned me on, I felt a deeper connection coming on. We had the sex thing down. Maybe I could kill two birds with one stone.
“Do you have any…umm… sexual desires?”
“With you?”
Not wanting to sound too presumptuous, I said, “With anyone.”
“I have a confession,” Roni said. She drew in a breath, and I watched as her chest puffed in and out. “You’re the only guy I’ve ever been with.”
Roni’s revelation threw me for a loop. I’d slept with dozens of women since getting out of prison, mostly to fill the void she had left, but still dozens nonetheless. I’d been so certain Roni had been the same way. Then again, that wasn’t in her nature, no matter how much I’d hurt her. “Really?” I blurted.
“Is that so hard to believe?”
“Well, yeah.”
“And why is that?”
I said exactly what I was thinking. “Because you’re sexy as hell. And you’re smart, and beautiful, and any guy would be lucky to have you.”
“You’re pretty sweet, you know that?” Roni stopped talking just long enough to plant a kiss on my cheek. “I guess I just didn’t find any guy worth my time.”
I shrugged and took her hand in mine. “Hopefully that’s changed.”
“Well, in that case, sure, I have some sexual desires.”
“Like?”
That mischievous look I loved so much appeared on Roni’s face. “You already used up your question. It’s my turn, now. You’ll have to wait until your next one.”
“Ok, shoot.”
“What are your sexual fantasies?”
I shook my head. “You’re a smart one, Vance,” I said. In the two years since I’d gotten released from prison, I’d done some pretty unusual things with women. However, there was one fantasy I’d never quite lived out, one I’d been saving for someone special. That was the one I’d tell Roni about. “Edible lingerie.”
Roni blinked. “What?”
“You know, thongs made of licorice, that kind of thing.”
“Interesting. Mine’s handcuffs.” I thought Roni was making some sort of joke about me being in prison, but the look on her face said otherwise. “I know it sounds silly, but I’ve always wondered what it would be like to be fully controlled, to have no hands as an outlet, to be tied up with no way of escaping.”
I felt my cock stiffen at Roni’s words. The combination of her bare breasts just inches from my face and this sexy talk about our fantasies was more than enough to get me revved up. Roni must have felt it too, because she slid over and sat right on my naked bulge. Her moist lips gravitated toward mine, and our tongues searched desperately for one another.
After several minutes, Roni pulled her lips away. “Next question,” she said. “Why didn’t you call me when you were released from prison?”
“Well that’s one way to kill the mood,” I said with a chuckle.
Roni blushed. “Sorry. Just something I was wondering.”
“I figured you’d long since moved on from me, and I didn’t want to distract you. I ran into your mom a few days after I got out, and she told me how great you were doing in New York.” I paused, realizing Roni was only the second person in the world I’d told that to, the first being my mother. “I didn’t want to mess things up.”
“Well, I guess that was nice,” Roni said. “You meant well. Your turn.”
I was beyond amazed at how much progress I seemed to have made with Roni. She accepted my answer as a valid reason and moved on. Even so, I wanted to focus on who we were now instead of dwelling on what had happened in the past. “What do you want to do in the future?” I asked. “I mean, I know middle school art teacher isn’t your forever dream.”
“Art school,” Roni said. “I’d like to open my own art school, a studio where kids can come and take different classes. Maybe even adults, too.”
“That sounds amazing, Roni.”
Roni nodded halfheartedly. “Hopefully it’ll happen someday.”
“What’s stopping you from opening it now?”
“Money, for starters.” Roni laughed. “And then there’s also my dad. He’s my priority right now.”
I pulled Roni into my arms, giving her a hug I sensed that she greatly needed. “You’re a great daughter. But don’t forget about your dreams.”
“How about you? Is tattooing what you want to do forever?”
I wasn’t sure how we’d ended up playing this question game, but I suddenly wanted it to be over. It wasn’t that I wanted to keep anything from Roni, but rather that I wasn’t even completely sure what I wanted to do. Be honest with her, Jesse, I told myself. You lied to her last time, and look how that ended up. It’s Roni. Just talk to her. Even after everything that had happened, Roni was still the person who I trusted most in the world. Maybe she could help me make sense of my own thoughts. Either way, it was worth a shot.
“I don’t know,” I said, sighing. “I really enjoy it. It’s like my own form of art, my own way of expressing myself. But I really enjoy other types of art, too, so maybe I could do something else to do with art. I might even want to go to college at some point.”
“Really?” Roni asked, sounding genuinely interested.
I nodded. “Maybe. I just want to do something that makes a difference. I know it sounds silly, but, when a client sees their tattoo for the first time, their vision come to life, the reaction is like nothing else I’ve ever experienced. There’s pure joy in their eyes. If I could experience that feeling for the rest of my life, I think I’d be happy.”
Roni’s eyes were wide, and it looked as though tears were forming in the corner. “That’s really amazing, Jesse. You’ve come a long way since high school.”
“Look, I know I don’t have an expensive degree or a fancy car, but that shouldn’t mean anything. I worked my ass off to save up for this house. I’ve been working hard to be a better person. I hate the person I was in high school, and I’ve worked every day since getting out of jail to put that person behind me. I just want to be the kind of person you can be proud of. I want to be the kind of person I can be proud of.”
“Jesse,” Roni whispered.
“Yeah?”
“Thanks for opening up to me. I really missed this.”
I think sharing my deep, inner thoughts made Roni excited. She looked at me with an intensity I hadn’t seen before. Roni started to kiss my neck. I sat back, letting the jets of the jacuzzi massage my back. I was hard and wanted to feel Roni so badly it hurt. Her saliva felt cool compared to the warm jacuzzi water. She licked along my neck and used a finger to trace along the tattoos on my chest. I closed my eyes and laid my head back. Her fingers slowly started to trace down towards my navel. I could feel the blood pulse through my body. She then gave into my desire and grabbed hold of my penis and began to stroke. Each pleasurable tug felt perfect. “This feels so good,” I said.
“I’m glad you like it,” she said.
I could have cum right there and then, but I didn’t want the pleasure to end. I wanted to reciprocate. I wanted to feel Roni inside. I stood up in the jacuzzi. Roni smiled. “What are we going to do now?” she said.
“I’m going to enter you,” I said, smiling. Roni stood up and turned around. Her backside was facing me. My erect cock gently brushed up against her skin. The pleasure of her skin on my penis sent a rush of energy down my body. I couldn’t wait any longer. I entered her and began to thrust. Roni’s moans of satisfaction only heightened my arousal. Her body felt like heaven and I never wanted it to stop.
“You feel so good,” she said. �
��I think I’m going to climax.”
I smiled. It felt good to share the pleasure. As her moans grew louder and louder, my thrusts became more direct and consistent. I loved testing myself in bed, seeing how long I could hold myself before I came. With Roni it wasn’t easy. But I persevered and as she screamed out in delight, I let loose and came inside her. Exhausted, I sat down in the jacuzzi beside her. Roni curled up in my arms. I kissed her on the forehead. “That was incredible,” she said.
“It’s one of the few things I can be proud of,” I said.
Roni giggled. “You have many things to be proud of,” she said. “But you’re right, you should be proud of that.”
I laughed. I didn’t want this moment to end.
Chapter 17
Roni
Walking the unpaved pathway between where I parked my car and where Georgia’s grave was, I felt an overwhelming sense of guilt. I knew far too many people buried in this cemetery, some close to me, like Georgia and my mom, others classmates and relatives I’d only seen on holidays or special occasions. Four years and two months had passed since I lost my best friend, and still I could count on just one hand the number of times I had come to visit.
Gone too soon. Every time I saw the words, they hit me all over again. I hated that Georgia’s memory was centered on her death instead of her life. I wanted her to be remembered for the gorgeous halo of brown curls that were always perfectly in place, completed with some sort of intricate braid or twist. I wanted people to boast about her ability to master any sport she played, from basketball to badminton. I didn’t want people to give the bastard who got drunk and decided it’d be a good idea to go joy riding the attention he didn’t deserve at all.
I missed my best friend more than I had realized. I so desperately needed someone to talk to. My New York friends were a world away, plus I never felt the need to open up to them about Jesse, so they didn’t have a clue about my situation. Dad was my number one guy, but I knew how he felt about Jesse. Plus, talking with my dad about intimate details of my budding relationship wasn’t exactly ideal. The worst part was that, other than Georgia, I pushed most of my high school friends away when Jesse had dumped me. Heartbreak had gotten the better of me, and now I was just weeks into starting over, alone, in this small town.
“Hey, George, it’s me,” I said. I sat down on the ground, ignoring the dampness from the morning dew that would undoubtedly leave marks on my blue jeans. “I know it’s been a while.” The words sounded just as lame out there in the cold air as they had in my head. “I figured I owe you a few thousand catch-up sessions by this point.”
I sat there in silence, as if somehow Georgia would answer me, before deciding that it would be more than a little creepy if she did. “It’s been a long few years. Getting over Jesse was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. And now he’s back again, and I’m completely torn. I’m falling in love with him all over again, Georgia. I wish you were here to keep my head on straight and tell me what to do.”
Drawing in a breath, I placed my hand on the gravestone and brushed away some of the dirt that covered the final two letters of Georgia’s last name. “I wish that son of a bitch who crashed into you hadn’t died that night. I would have been visiting him in jail every day and making his life a living hell.” The words fell out, but I knew I owed Georgia the truth. “Ok, that’s a lie. I probably still would’ve been in New York, a world away from here. I’m sorry, George. I’m sorry I haven’t been by as much. I’m sorry I haven’t been a good friend or daughter or family member to everyone you probably watch me interacting with from up there. I want to be the girl you knew in high school. I want to be someone people can depend on. But how does Jesse factor into that?”
How did Jesse play into the equation? I wasn’t sure if I was asking Georgia or myself. Georgia had always held the answers. She’d held me in her arms as I cried when Jesse told me he no longer wanted anything to do with me. She stopped by every single day after school to make sure I was alright, because she knew how in love I was with Jesse and how heartbroken I’d been when he ended things. If she was still alive, she’d know exactly what to say, exactly what I should do.
“He’s changed,” I whispered. “I feel it in my heart. It may sound crazy, but Jesse really seems to have gotten himself together. He’s the guy I always dreamed he’d become.” I picture Jesse, with tattoos coating a large portion of his skin, and couldn’t help but chuckle. “Girl, you would’ve hated his tattoos. I know how much you couldn’t stand tattoos. But, if I’m being honest, they suit him somehow. Here’s another bit of truth for you, since I don’t know if you can see into my soul from heaven up there. I adore the person Jesse is. We’ve had to get to know each other all over again, and that’s sort of exciting.”
I reached into my backpack and pulled out a rolled-up sheet of paper I’d torn out of my sketchpad. “I drew this picture of you one day on the subway,” I said, envisioning the excitement Georgia would undoubtedly have on her face. The portrait of Georgia had her floating amongst the clouds, wearing her favorite pair of patched jeans and the flannel shirt she’d been wearing the last time I saw her alive. Her hair was parted into a bunch of little heart-shaped pieces, my own interpretation of the love she radiated.
“You were always one of my biggest supporters. I know it sounds corny, but I wouldn’t be here without you. I would’ve completely fallen apart after Jesse and never have made it up to New York. I wish you could’ve been there at my gallery opening. You would have loved it.” I breathed a sigh of relief. I had been holding all of this in, hesitating because of how silly I was sure I’d feel talking to a slab of rock. “Georgia, I want a future with Jesse. I see a future with Jesse.”
A wave of relief rushed over me hearing the words aloud, a confession I’d been waiting patiently to share with Georgia. I was certain she’d guide me in the right direction, with some possible sass and sarcasm thrown in, but I also knew that one of the most difficult things I’d ever have to do was waiting just around the corner for me. I said goodbye to Georgia and held my portrait of her up to the sky to make sure she saw it.
It was time for my next stop. I didn’t even know where her grave was. I walked up and down the rows of gravestones, my eyes peeled for the fresher plots that hadn’t yet had time to decay. At last, I found her. Patricia Vance. Loving wife and mother. May her memory be eternal. Even though it was the first time I’d seen Mom’s grave, I’d seen it in my dreams a hundred times. In the dreams, I hadn’t missed her funeral. I’d been back at this grave site almost every day since, telling Mom how much she’d meant to me and how much I missed her.
A part of me hated the Veronica I became in New York and was glad to be back to small town Roni, the kind of girl who came to visit her mother at the cemetery. I knew in my heart I never lost who I was, but I’d be lying to myself if I didn’t admit that I lost sight of it for a while. Mom’s grave was just as I imagined it, in a corner section underneath a tree that was changing its leaves to join the autumn season.
“Mom,” I whispered. That was all I got out before I burst into a frenzy of sobs. It had been a long year, and I’d missed my mom more than anything. It wasn’t until I saw her small little place in the grass that I realized how much I missed and needed her. She would know what to say about this whole Jesse situation. She would know how to make me feel better about Dad’s declining health. When it came down to it, that’s probably why I made the ultimate decision to come back home. When all was said and done, I thought about what Mom would do. She wouldn’t have hesitated to do anything for her family, and I wanted to be that same way.
“Everything’s so confusing, Mom,” I said, glancing around me to make sure there were no other cemetery visitors nearby. Even though I was fairly certain it was normal to talk amongst the dead, it was admittedly a bit embarrassing. With no one in sight, I turned back to my mom and placed a kiss on my hand then my hand on her headstone. “I know you’re watching down on Dad and me, but it�
�s a struggle sometimes. I’m only twenty-four. I thought I’d have you both around for years and now I just don’t know. I’m sorry I haven’t visited. I’m not proud of who I became in New York, even though I know you were proud of me for following my dreams.”
I drew in a breath. “I actually really like teaching art. I guess I got my gift for working well with kids from you. I know I probably wouldn’t be back in Linfield if you were still alive, and I’m sorry for that. I took you for granted and your life was taken away in the blink of an eye. I know you didn’t die with us on bad terms, but we weren’t as close as we had been. That’s probably my biggest regret.”
I knew in my heart that my mother, wherever she was watching over me from, forgave me. She had a kind and loving soul, one I envied and tried to emulate in my own life. It was more about forgiving myself. I couldn’t undo the distance I’d put between myself and my parents, both physically and emotionally, for the four years I’d been gone. I couldn’t take back my decision to miss my mother’s funeral. I couldn’t even change the fact that I’d only visited home when holidays had forced me out of my dorm room.
All I could do was be better, for my father, and maybe even for Jesse. “Mom, I’m glad Jesse didn’t see the Veronica in New York,” I said, suddenly aware of these feelings I hadn’t even known I had. “I know he’s had his fair share of screw ups, but they were childish mistakes. He’s bettered himself over the past few years, and I kind of feel like, up until a few months ago, I’d become a person I wasn’t proud of. I really care about him, Mom, but I know you’re not the one I have to convince. You always saw right through his bad boy façade. I want to show Dad that he’s changed. I want to believe in my own heart that he’s changed. I just need a sign, you know? I think I’m falling in love with him again.”
I gasped at my own words, not exactly because I was surprised, but because I was amazed that I’d had the nerve to say the words aloud. But this visit wasn’t about Jesse, and I wanted Mom to know that. “I need you to know that I’m here for Dad. The doctors don’t know right now if he has a few months to live, or thirty more years. It sucks. I know it does. But, whatever it is, I’m here for him. I don’t want you to worry.”
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