Supper passed in a flurry of chatter, though neither she nor Lawson added much to the conversation. Afterward, the men moved to the sitting room with the children, which gave Ellie the opportunity to talk freely with her sister. Kate must have realized it, too, because she glanced up from the bowl she was washing. “It’s strange to see how things have changed between you and Lawson.”
“Yes,” Ellie admitted as she swept a dry towel across the wet plate in her hands. “It’s for the best.”
“Is that really how you feel?”
She absently accepted the bowl Kate handed her. “All I know is that I should have accepted that he wasn’t interested in me from the start and left it alone. Instead, I messed up our friendship. The silliest part is that now I can’t imagine myself with anybody else.”
A moment of quiet descended around them, interrupted only by the sound of the game taking place in the sitting room. Kate’s voice softly filled the void. “Are you in love with him, Ellie?”
She finished drying the bowl before setting it aside and leaning back against the counter with a sigh. “Am I? I can recognize it in everyone else but when it comes to my own feelings and Lawson’s, I seem to be lost. I’m beginning to think I wouldn’t know love if it came up and bit me. If this is it, then I guess I was expecting more.”
“More what?”
“Oh, I don’t know. More of a difference in me and the way I feel about life in general.”
“Ellie, loving someone doesn’t make your problems go away.” Kate shook her head wryly. “If anything, it just adds the other person’s problems to the mix. The benefit is that you are able to solve them together.”
“I see.” So did that mean she should try to help Lawson with his problems? She could support him and encourage him even if it was only as a friend.
Kate smiled at her discouraged tone. “Have you ever heard the saying ‘Love is friendship set on fire’?”
“No.”
“Well, I think it’s true. I had to learn to appreciate Nathan as a friend before I was able to consider him as anything more.”
“But Lawson and I have been friends for years.”
“Yes, and I’ve never seen a more romantic friendship in all my life. That’s why I say going back to that might help you both. Give it time. He’s dealing with a lot right now and it looks like you have a lot to figure out, too. Don’t give up yet.”
Ellie wasn’t entirely sure that was wise. She just kept hearing that familiar refrain explaining why he’d really sought her out. The whole town had been fooled into thinking their “romantic” friendship should turn into more. The whole town—including her. How could she move past her feelings if she let herself slip right back into the old routines? “What if Lawson can’t love me?”
“Then you’d have to let it go, but I think it’s worth finding out. Don’t you?” Kate handed her the last dish then wiped her hands on a dry towel. “Didn’t you say something about giving Nathan and me a child-free evening for once? The children finished their homework and there is a bit of time left before bed. Why don’t you and Lawson play with them?”
Ellie rolled her eyes then laughed. “What? Are you charging for advice now? I wish you’d told me before I asked.”
“You don’t have to—”
“I want to. It will be fun,” she said as she carefully put away the dishes. “Besides, I can take a hint.”
“What hint?” Kate asked innocently.
“I know I didn’t offer, though I should have.” She lifted a coy eyebrow at her sister. “You must really want to be alone with Nathan.”
Kate sent her a mischievous look. “Like I said, don’t forget to invite Lawson. He might want to go along and he could definitely use a bit of fun.”
It took Ellie a moment to catch on. “Oh, you’re still matchmaking, aren’t you?”
Kate shook her head piteously. “You’re right. You really are lost when it comes to love.”
Ellie popped her with the damp towel, then skedaddled out the kitchen before Kate could retaliate. Everyone looked up when she abruptly danced into the sitting room. She glanced behind her once more to make sure she hadn’t been followed, then smiled. “Who’s up for a game of tag?”
* * *
Lawson gave an approving nod sending Timothy sneaking through the trees toward Ellie. She gasped and whirled in the opposite direction, which happened to be directly into Lawson’s path. He sidestepped her tumbling strides but caught her arm and somehow managed to keep them both upright. A small hand slapped Ellie’s back, then his. “Freeze, both of you!”
They automatically froze in their somewhat awkward positions. Suddenly, Lawson’s gaze snapped to Ellie’s nephew. “Wait. What just happened? I thought we were partners.”
Timothy stepped away from them to scan the landscape. “No more teams. It’s every man for himself.”
Ellie shifted to frown at the boy in protest. “You can’t play freeze tag without teams. Who is going to unfreeze us?”
Timothy’s eyes lit up as he spotted his prey. “Hope. You have to stay frozen until she tags you.”
That is not going to happen, he thought with a glance at the woman practically in his arms. Once Timothy ran off, Lawson stepped away before he could change his mind and do something foolish. He’d almost refused to help Ellie mind her nieces and nephew. However, he’d decided to leave for town first thing in the morning to stay with his parents as Nathan had ordered, and if he hit the hay too soon he’d just spend hours sorting through stacks of old memories.
He’d told himself a game of tag would be far easier than that. After all, the children would provide a buffer. He stared at the three small retreating forms and shook his head. Some buffer they are.
“Great. Now they’re just hitting each other.” Ellie stepped up beside him.
“I’d say it’s more of a spirited tap.”
She laughed. “I guess I’ll let them run around a bit more then call them in.”
“I think I’ll go to my cabin. I have some packing to do before the morning.”
“You’re leaving?”
“Yes...” He watched a strong breeze suddenly toss her hair into disarray, hindered only by the single ribbon that kept her golden locks from her face. He glanced away and struggled to regain the vein of conversation. “Nathan practically insisted I take the weekend off. I’m going to spend some time with my folks.”
“That will be nice.” She finally corralled her hair enough for her to catch his gaze. “That means I won’t see you again until church on Sunday.”
He cleared his throat softly. “I guess not.”
Disappointment seemed to settle in her eyes and a strange warmth filled his chest at the sight of it. He stepped away to grab his Stetson from where he’d tossed it on the grass earlier. He managed to ease the tenuous moment with a nod and half smile. “See you later.”
He walked away and that should have been the end of it but it wasn’t. He still had the sense that they were connected—tethered together almost. The rope wouldn’t break no matter how far across the field he traveled. It just seemed to stretch along with him.
As he stopped to say goodbye to the children, he managed a quick look back at her. She must have felt his gaze for she lifted her hand in a wave. He returned the gesture before his long strides ate up the rest of the distance to his cabin. He wasn’t sure what was worse—watching her walk away later or having to do it himself every day.
Chapter Twelve
Lawson leaned back on the cushioned wicker bench on his parents’ porch with a discontented sigh at his cousin’s stubbornness. “So you really won’t try to convince your uncle to cancel that clause of the contract?”
Ethan shrugged from his perch on the matching wicker chair. “I told you, the main reason he bought those horses was
to make sure you’d come to the ranch. He isn’t going to cancel any clause.”
“Surely, if you reason with him—”
“Not a chance, cousin.”
Lawson’s lips edged upward in amusement. Ethan had a habit of reiterating their relationship to each other. He’d managed to sneak that word in multiple times over dinner. Lawson wanted to find it annoying but he actually almost liked the sense of belonging it gave him. “Fine. There are some things a man has to do for himself and this might be one of them.”
Ethan’s eyebrows shot up in surprise. “Are you coming to the ranch, then?”
He pressed his lips together to keep from speaking an answer he didn’t want to give one way or another. He had no problem traveling to a ranch for business purposes. He could even stomach going to a ranch his father owned. The problem was that once there, another reckoning with his father seemed inevitable. He’d won the first round but he wasn’t sure he’d come out on top in the next one.
“I don’t want to,” he said as the door opened and Doc joined them with a tray of after-dinner coffee, obviously prepared by Lettie. Lawson felt relief unwind his tense shoulders. “You’re joining us, aren’t you?”
The distinguished-looking gentleman smiled as he put the tray on the table next to the chair. “I was hoping for an invitation, hence the coffee, but I don’t want to intrude.”
“You’re no intrusion, Pa.” Lawson used the term purposefully with a quick glance at Ethan to see how his cousin processed that. His parents had been as stunned as she was at the news of Clive’s visit, but their support and encouragement had left no doubt in Lawson’s mind about who truly deserved the titles “Ma” and “Pa.”
Ethan shifted uneasily but didn’t protest when the older man settled onto the other end of the bench. “Lawson was just saying he didn’t want to go to Uncle Clive’s ranch.”
Doc nodded. “It isn’t a decision to be made lightly.”
“I’d be more willing to go if I knew that Clive wouldn’t try to—”
Ethan’s blue eyes snapped. “Get to know his only son?”
Just like that, anger began to simmer in his chest. “He had a chance to do that and he lost it. That was his choice. I don’t feel the need to make things easier on him by walking into his lair.”
“He isn’t a villain.”
“To you.”
“Villain or not,” Doc said, calmly easing the tension, “ignoring his existence, his wishes or the past won’t make any of this go away. Maybe you need this, Lawson.”
“I don’t want to go,” he repeated, then shook his head. “I just have this awful feeling that seeing him again is inevitable, and you’re right. I have to face this.”
“Have you prayed about this?”
“Besides praying I wouldn’t have to go?” Lawson shook his head. “No.”
“I’ll call your mother out and we’ll do it as a family.”
Lawson began to agree but paused when Ethan stood to his feet. “In that case, I think I should leave. Please tell Ms. Lettie I said thank-you for a delicious meal. It was nice to meet you, Doc. I’ll be around.”
Lawson stood. “Where do you think you’re going?”
Ethan froze. “The boardinghouse.”
“Are you a praying man?”
Ethan nodded, then shrugged. “On occasion.”
Lawson glanced at Doc. “Think that will do?”
“I’m sure the Lord will be happy to hear from him.”
“Pa said family, Ethan.” He crossed his arms. “I’m pretty sure that somehow means you, unless you need to call me ‘cousin’ a few more times to make sure.”
Ethan didn’t seem to know how to respond at first. He cleared the emotion from his throat a few times before he nodded. “I reckon I can manage an Amen as well as anybody. I practiced in church last Sunday so I’m not that rusty.”
“I heard there’s going to be a prayer meeting,” Lettie said as she preceded her husband onto the porch. “We should have started the evening this way but I think it’s a good way to end it, too. ‘Pa,’ will you lead off?”
“I’d be glad to.” Doc waited for Lettie to settle on the bench next to Lawson before he sat in the chair beside Ethan and bowed his head. “Heavenly Father, first and foremost, Lettie and I want to thank You for entrusting us with Your son Lawson.”
Lawson swallowed as his ma’s hand found his and squeezed in agreement.
“When Nathan asked if we’d give a young man a chance at a better future, I had a feeling we were giving ourselves the best possible future as well, and I was right. Now, we ask that You give Lawson the strength, wisdom and courage he needs to face his past. Give him peace.”
After a moment of silence, Lettie took her turn. “God, I pray for Clive right now.”
Lawson couldn’t help but tense at her words.
“I can certainly understand him wanting to get to know Lawson. I pray that if it’s Your will, it will happen in Your time and in Your way. Whether he knows You or not, let this situation draw Clive closer to You.”
It was Lawson’s turn. He knew it, so he cleared his throat of the emotion clogging it. “I just want to do the right thing, Lord.” For some reason, that made him think of Ellie. He was doing the right thing by letting her go, wasn’t he? “Help me to be strong. Help me to make the right choices. Help me to know what those are.”
Ethan was quiet for so long that Lawson wondered if it might be best to let him off the hook. When Ethan finally spoke, his deep voice was quiet but entreating. “All I ask is that You teach us—all of us—how to be a family.”
Family. Was it made of blood? He stole a glance at his cousin. Or law? He rubbed his mother’s cool hand. He closed his eyes and saw Ellie standing in the field with the wind blowing in her hair. Or love? Was any of it enough to truly bind people together? Ten years ago, that downtrodden boy without a last name would have said no, but tonight—tonight, he wanted to say yes more than anything. Would this feeling of belonging disappear if he surrendered to it? Maybe. Maybe not. It was too precious for him to take that chance, so he settled for the next best thing. He pushed that desire into the corner of his heart where only God could see it, then allowed his whisper to blend with the voices that echoes around him in a final “Amen.”
* * *
Ellie snuggled deeper into the cushions of Ms. Lettie’s comfortable settee with her eyes closed against the morning sunlight in an effort to doze. The corners of her mouth tipped upward slightly when the settee sank to the right a few moments later. Lawson’s deep voice drawled in amusement, “You look like you either need a nap or a cup of coffee.”
“Probably both.” She kept her eyes closed to concentrate on the rich tone of his voice.
“Why are you so sleepy?”
“I stayed up most of the night reading. I didn’t even look at the clock until it was too late—literally and figuratively.” She lifted her lashes to meet his gaze with a wry smirk. “Of course, I also woke up an hour earlier than normal to teach Sunday school to imaginary students.”
“‘What Sunday school?’” he asked, quoting Pastor Brightly’s exact words.
She shook her head. The man had wandered into the church to find them waiting for their pupils to arrive. After twenty minutes without anyone coming, they’d been ready to give up, anyway. Pastor Brightly had informed them that Sunday school had been canceled due to a lack of attendance last week. Apparently, children didn’t like the idea of going to school an additional day of the week.
“I can’t believe no one told me.” She shifted more to the left for a better view of Lawson, who sat at the opposite end of the settee with his ankle propped on his knee.
He placed his arm on the back of the settee. “I guess I should warn you that the town isn’t taking the news that we broke things off very well
. They’re actually pretty up in arms about it.”
“I assumed they would be.” She fiddled with the fringe on the pillow resting between them. “They were the ones who convinced you to pursue me in the first place so they’re bound to be disappointed that their efforts weren’t enough.”
Lawson shifted slightly away. “Where are my parents? We should leave soon.”
Ms. Lettie made a timely entrance into the parlor with Doc right behind her. “We’re ready when you are.”
“Thanks for letting me rest here until the service.” Ellie corralled her slightly mussed hair back into place as she stood. “I don’t know what else I would have done with myself.”
Doc smiled fondly at her. “You’re always welcome here. Shall we go?”
Doc offered his arm to his wife and the two set off, leaving Lawson and Ellie to follow. They walked the rest of the way to the church in silence where they confused the gathering parishioners by arriving together, then immediately separating. Ellie managed to avoid anything more than a few concerned and curious glances as she wound her way to her sister-in-law. They barely had time to exchange a hug before Lorelei sent her a warning look. “Don’t look now, but the Peppin Inquisition is on its way.”
She barely had time to turn around before Maddie, Sophia, Amy and Isabelle appeared at her side. Maddie immediately pulled Ellie into an embrace. “Oh, my dear, dear friend. We are so sorry to hear about you and Lawson. You must feel awful.”
“Thanks, girls,” she said when she could breathe again. “I’m fine. We weren’t even officially courting so you don’t need to worry about me.”
Amy searched her face with a frown. “Don’t tell me you’re the one who broke his heart and not the other way around?”
“Hardly.” She glanced at Lawson who was across the churchyard no doubt getting the same treatment from Sean, Jeff, Rhett and Chris. “It seems that all the matchmaking from the town and our families made him think he needed to pretend emotions he wasn’t feeling. I shouldn’t have encouraged y’all. It was all a big mistake, nothing more.”
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