She bit her lip. She didn’t want to make anything worse between her and Lawson, but what else could she do to make it better? She watched Lawson stop at a nearby paddock as his father gestured to the large dark horse inside. His arms were crossed and his expression closed off. “I’m trying. I don’t know how well it’s working.”
“He has feelings for you. Of that you can be sure. The rest is up to you.”
She tilted her head as though that might help her discern the emotions to which Ethan seemed privy. Lawson caught her watching him and sent her a quizzical smile that quickly disappeared when he turned back to Clive. “Thanks, Ethan.”
“You’re welcome. Let’s rejoin them. Lawson is starting to look nervous.”
“What a beautiful horse,” Ellie exclaimed at the sight of the large black stallion. The horse seemed agitated to be the subject of their examination.
Clive acknowledged her compliment with a nod but didn’t bother to look her way. “This is Diablo. He’s as mean as they come. There’s never been a man that could stay seated on him.”
Lawson eyed the horse skeptically. “This is the horse you want me to train? And you want me to do it in a week? That seems unrealistic.”
“Diablo has the potential to be a great horse. He just needs to be gentled.”
“I’ll do my best but once the week is up I trust you’ll stay true to your word and the contract by giving me the other half of the payment regardless of my results with Diablo.”
“It’s a deal.” Clive put out his hand. After a moment of hesitation, Lawson shook it firmly. Clive cleared his throat. “We’ll leave you two to decide how you’ll go about this. Come along, Ethan.”
Ethan obeyed but not before giving Ellie a significant look. She chuckled softly. It seemed she couldn’t get away from matchmakers no matter where she went. Her laughter drew Lawson’s attention so she wrinkled her nose. “Diablo is an awful name for a horse. Of course he’d act mean if everyone called him that. First things first, he needs a new name.”
An amused smile tipped his lips slightly. “Like what?”
“Let’s see.” She crossed her arms on the paddock fence and surveyed the horse thoughtfully. “He looks like a Midnight to me.”
He copied her posture, leaning onto the paddock fence, as well. “I guess so since you named your horse Starlight.”
“They are kind of similar.”
He sighed. “This is a ruse, you know.”
“What is?”
“This whole thing.” He turned to face her. “That stipulation for the horses to be delivered, this horse that has never been ridden—he’s been using it all to get me here and keep me here.”
“I figured.” She paused then quietly continued, “But, you did choose to come.”
“I know.”
She touched his arm in concern. “How are you holding up so far?”
“Fine...I think. I know what’s coming, though. I knew it when I came. I’ll have to listen to him try to explain away leaving me behind. That’s all right, though, because I have a few questions I’d like some answers to and I aim to get them.”
She wondered if he caught the glimmer of admiration in her eyes before he turned his attention back to the horse. She certainly felt it. He was so brave not only to acknowledge his past but to travel all these miles to face it, as well. He didn’t seem afraid—just determined. It was too bad she lacked the courage she saw in him. Not that there was anything left for her to face. Her parents were gone and there was nothing she could do to rectify that mistake.
Her situation with Lawson was different. She’d made her mistakes with him but perhaps that didn’t have to be the end of the story. She didn’t want it to be. Lord, I know I said I’d try to follow Your lead. For the first time in a long time, I think maybe I will. I think I still have a chance. If I do...well, Lord, I intend to take it.
* * *
The next few days passed without the altercation Lawson expected. He dedicated himself to Diablo—or Midnight, as Ellie renamed him. His interactions with Clive remained polite and distant, if slightly cold. That sufficed since Lawson rarely saw the man except for at mealtimes or when Clive would wander over to Midnight’s stall to check on their progress—like now. Lawson tried not to let the man’s presence distract him from his task. “Do you have the saddle blanket ready, Ellie?”
Her affirmative reply came softly so as not to frighten the horse that flinched but otherwise didn’t protest when Lawson stroked his mane. Ellie stood a few feet away outside the fence but close enough to be at his side at a moment’s notice. That pretty much summed up her behavior during their visit so far.
He was grateful—incredibly grateful for her presence during all of this. She’d been supportive of him while managing to charm everyone from the ranch hands to the housekeeper to Midnight. Even Clive seemed to enjoy talking to her, though Ellie adhered to Lawson’s plea that she keep her distance. Midnight stepped toward her to examine the blanket as she calmly approached the stallion. “He’s doing well, isn’t he, Lawson?”
“Better than I’d hoped,” he admitted as his hands traveled across Midnight’s back. “It helps that he’s fallen in love with you along with everyone else at this ranch.”
“Well, I wouldn’t say everyone.” The look in her green eyes betrayed a subtle hope that he might contradict her statement.
He wasn’t sure how to respond to that and a quick glance over his shoulder at Clive told him this was not the time to try to figure it out. He forced his focus back on the horse. His fingers brushed over something hard. Frowning, he stepped closer to examine the horse and found a patchwork of scars across its back. He instinctively flashed accusatory eyes at Clive. “This horse has been abused.”
Hurt swept across Clive’s face before he managed to mask it. “Not by me. The previous owner thought beating the fight out of Diablo would tame him. That’s why I convinced the man to sell the horse to me.”
Ellie’s fingers examined the black scars that were nearly indiscernible from the horse’s black coat. “The scars are old, Lawson.”
He knew that but it hadn’t changed his first thought. He glanced back at Clive wondering if he should apologize. He didn’t. He wouldn’t have meant it. Clive seemed to sense that.
“I understand why you might assume...” the man began then cleared his throat. “I’m not that person anymore.”
Ellie mumbled something about getting sugar cubes for the horse, then left them alone. He watched her go, feeling his jaw tighten. So this was it—the moment he’d been planning for and dreading in equal measure. He released Midnight from the long lead rope. The horse wandered away as Lawson turned to face the man who was supposed to be his father. “Your name’s Clive Hardy, isn’t it?”
“You know it is.”
“Then you’re still the man who abandoned me.”
Clive gave an accepting nod. “I guess to you I always will be.”
He began coiling the rope in his hand with a bit more force than necessary. “Tell me. What kind of thoughts go through a man’s head when he abandons his only son with nothing more than a dollar bill and a note no one else is literate enough to read?”
“Are you sure you want me to tell that story?”
“No, but it belongs to me as much as it belongs to you so I reckon I’ve a right to know.”
Clive braced his boot on the last rung on the fence. “It will be no surprise to you to know I’d had a few drinks. Not enough that I couldn’t function but just enough to make my judgment shady. I thought I needed the courage for the job I had to do.”
“Which was?”
“Robbery.” He pulled a pipe from his pocket and tapped it on the wooden fence. “It wasn’t my first but it was my last. The whole thing was a disaster from start to finish. I got shot. I knew worse would happen i
f the sheriff or my boss caught up to me.”
The story matched what Lawson remembered. “So you ran out on me. You thought I’d slow you down and you couldn’t take the risk.”
Clive didn’t deny that. Instead, he continued, “It was the worst decision I ever made. Your mother never forgave me for putting her in that situation.”
Lawson glanced past Clive toward the open land and shook his head. “She had a choice, same as you. Whatever happened, you were both equally guilty—equally wrong.”
“After a couple of weeks, we came back to look for you.” He tried to strike a match to light his pipe but gave up and tucked it away. “There was no trace of you.”
He nodded. “I was young but I wasn’t dumb. I knew you intended to leave me for good. The rent was due in the morning so I wasn’t going to stick around just to get kicked out. I’m sure I was long gone by the time you two moseyed back.”
“Well, your ma sort of snapped when we couldn’t find you. She threw all the whiskey out of the house and told me if I ever came home drunk I’d sleep outside. A few rainy nights sobered me up enough to realize what a miserable cur I was. I thought that would make things better between me and your ma, but I’d done too much damage. One day she up and left. No note. No anything.”
Lawson crossed his arms. If Clive was looking for sympathy on that point, he wouldn’t get any. He didn’t seem to notice because he was staring off into the distance as if seeing the whole thing play out before him. “I think now she might have been in the family way and didn’t trust me to be a better father than I’d been before.”
“So I might have a sibling out there somewhere suffering from the same ill fortune of birth that I am.”
Clive winced. “I don’t know. Maybe. Once your ma left I went searching for both of y’all. I didn’t find either of you. Instead, I found the only other male child in that area of Texas answering to the name of Lawson.”
“Ethan.”
Clive nodded. “I took him in and did for him what I should have done for you. One day I heard about a Ranger named Lawson Williams. I thought maybe it might be you at last. I had to find you. So I did.”
“So you did and here I am.... I guess I’m supposed to feel better about all of this because you looked for me.” Lawson eyed the man before him and shook his head. “I’m not sure how this makes up for what you did but if it feels good to see me here, to talk to me, to tell me your story—then I guess for you it was worth it.” He ran his fingers through his hair. “To me, it isn’t worth much. It doesn’t change what I went through. It doesn’t change who I am, or what you put me through. It wasn’t just a matter of you abandoning me. As long as I carried your name, I got followed by your trouble. People who otherwise might have helped me didn’t want anything to do with me when they learned I was your son.”
He paused and let that sink in for a moment. “For better or worse, I’m still the one who gets left behind. The one that can’t get the folks who matter—really matter—to stay, or to let me stay.” He should shut his mouth but he couldn’t seem to stop. “The O’Briens and the Williamses—they’re the only ones who seemed to care enough to want to keep me. I wonder what they see that others don’t. Or maybe it’s just that they’re blind to the thing that drives everyone else away.” He glanced up at his father. “The thing that drove you away...from a nine-year-old boy who didn’t even have sense enough to ask to go along. You wouldn’t have let me, if I had. Would you?”
He didn’t need to wait for an answer. He slipped through the corral fence and let the rope he held fall to the ground. He wasn’t sure where to go. He just kept walking until he found a solitary place where he could sit under a shade tree. He was a grown man. This shouldn’t bother him, but it did. It always had. He’d seen that abandonment repeated in his life time and time again—maybe even when it wasn’t there...like with Ellie. He’d just come to expect it to happen eventually in each relationship. Even with God, he’d been afraid to get too close.
He shook his head. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d thought about God. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d prayed without prompting from others. He tilted his head back against the rough bark of the tree to stare at the patches of sky that peeked through the auburn canopy. “Are You still there or did You walk away, too?”
He could almost hear Nathan’s words from that long-ago night when he’d first met the Lord. You’re part of God’s family now. He’ll never leave you or forsake you. He swallowed. “That’s a big promise. I hope You’re living up to it.”
A strange feeling filled his chest. It wasn’t peace exactly, just a powerful feeling that he wasn’t alone in this. God might not be able to reach out and hold his hand like Ellie but He hadn’t left. How else would Lawson have survived in those rough Western towns or found the O’Briens or settled with the Williamses?
If that was so—if God had been with him his entire life—then why had he been brought to this moment? What was the purpose? It hurt worse than many of the others. It was if all the pain he’d stuffed inside for so long finally popped like a loose button on one of those old raggedy shirts he used to wear.
A faint prickling sensation danced around his eyes. He fought it back. He hadn’t cried when his parents left him and he wouldn’t start now. He was stronger than that. He’d make it through. He always did. He’d leave this place soon, anyway. Maybe he’d never see Clive again. Maybe this was the last time he’d have to relive any of this. Maybe he’d finally be able to put his family shadows behind him once and for all. As soon as he left this ranch, he’d start looking toward the future. Whatever it was, it had to be better than his past. It just had to be.
Chapter Sixteen
Ellie was in the kitchen when Clive breezed through on the way to his study. He paused as if to say something, then shook his head and continued on. She followed him. “What happened?”
“Let’s talk in my study.”
She ignored the frown Ethan sent her from the sitting room when she shut the door part of the way behind her. Clive had never taken her into his confidence before and she didn’t want to be interrupted. It was obvious that Clive and Lawson had finally gotten around to the talk that had been hanging over everyone’s heads since the beginning of the trip. “How is he?”
“I don’t know.” He sank into a nearby chair with a sigh. “You can go after him if you wish but he might need some time to himself.”
Ellie thought about this for a moment, then settled into the chair across from him. “I’ll give him a few minutes.”
“What was he like, Ellie, when you first met him?”
“He was a lot like Mid—Diablo. He was sort of wary about accepting any kindness. He had a lot of fight in him but was never violent. I got the impression he knew too much for his age—although I don’t think we could ever figure out what age he was for sure.”
Clive stood to riffle through some papers at his desk. “And now?”
“I think that tattered little boy is still a part of him but he’s grown up since then. He has a dry sense of humor that is just sly enough to catch you off guard. He’s very protective of women in general but especially the ones in my family and his adoptive mother. He’s intelligent, hardworking, caring, gentle, yet he’s always been a bit of a mystery to everyone. Even himself.”
Clive finally took a piece of paper out of his desk, then settled back in the chair. “Does he know you love him?”
Her breath stilled in her throat. What was he talking about? She didn’t even know she loved him.
All right, that wasn’t entirely true. She was falling in love with him. She knew that. But how did a girl know when she was completely in love? Was there a sort of jarring sensation or did she just decide that she was? She glanced at Lawson’s father. Or did someone have to tell her? She cleared her throat. “Honestly, Mr. Hardy, I’m not sure it w
ould matter to him.”
He seemed to understand what she meant for he nodded. “That’s my fault as well as Gloria’s. You’re right. He is like Midnight. Isn’t that what you call him? He’s strong but with scars that run deep. I may not have inflicted them on the horse but I wielded that whip on my own son. That’s a thousand times worse.”
The man before her seemed to deflate. “You don’t know how a mistake like that can eat at a man. Day in and day out to know that you were responsible for bringing harm to someone that close to you.”
“Yes, I do,” she said before she could stop herself. She reached out to touch his hand. “I know that feeling exactly. I did something that had horrible implications for people I loved. It was a mistake but that didn’t change the outcome.”
He patted her hand. “My dear, if there’s one thing I’ve learned it’s that you can’t change what happened. You have to accept that you made the mistake, examine it closely to learn from it, then move on. Don’t let it define your life as I have let my mistakes define mine. Seek to make peace if you can. If you can’t, let it go. I hope you’ll let me know how it’s resolved.”
“If it’s resolved.” She didn’t hold out much hope and she wasn’t sure what good it would do to go poking around in the matter.
He handed her the paper in his hand. “I want you to have this. I’d give it to Lawson but I’m not sure he’d take anything from me. It’s his birth certificate.”
She glanced at the document. “His middle name is Clive. I don’t think he knows that.”
“I don’t think he’d want to know.”
“His birthday is this month—next week, in fact. Perhaps we can throw him a party at home. He’d like that.”
Clive nodded, then looked past her to the window. “I think I see Lawson under that far tree. You should go to him.”
A Texas-Made Match Page 17