by Daisy Allen
“Oh, wait, you’re right. I do recall you being VERY cute once. You were very angry.” He suddenly looked pensive.
“Goodbye, Finn.” I turned and headed down the stairs. I heard the front door close behind me and I was glad that he was gone. I gestured to the cab driver that I was ready to go and reached for the cab door.
“We’re not done.” His voice suddenly spoke up behind me.
“Yes. Yes, we are.” I didn’t turn around, I didn’t want to see him. We were done 15 years ago, I couldn’t help thinking. Trying to suppress the memory.
He reached for my shoulder and I shook him off, almost violently and spun around to face him.
“Don’t you EVER touch me again, do you hear me? If we’re going to have to take this trip together, I don’t want to talk about anything but work. I don’t want to know ANYTHING about you. I don’t care. And once this is done, I hope that you will try to arrange it so that we never have to spend another second in each other’s company ever again.”
I was making a scene and I didn’t care. I just wanted never to ever feel this way again.
I didn’t ever want to feel like this man, this man in front of me grinning his cocky grin, this man I hadn’t seen for 15 years, this man who I hated with every fiber of my being, who in the space of just two minutes was making me realize, that he was the only man in the world who could make me feel this alive.
“I’ll see you at the airport, don’t fucking be late” I said as I climbed into the cab, needing to put as much distance between us as possible and slammed the door. He cocked his finger at me in a small wave and the bottom of my stomach dropped. He was still the most handsome man I‘d ever seen. How was I ever going to survive this next week?
Chapter Six
15 years ago
“They’re here, sweetie.” My Dad called upstairs to me.
“You ready?” My Mom asked as she tucked the last bobby pin under an errant curl and stood back to admire her own handiwork. “You look like an angel. You’ll be the most beautiful one there.”
I smiled at her reflection in the mirror and swallowed hard. I didn’t know what to expect of tonight, but I wanted to remember every detail forever.
Finn was standing in the doorway as I came down the stairs. He turned towards me just as I saw him, making me almost skip a step and fall head first down the last few steps. Mom was wrong. He was going to be the most beautiful person there tonight. His blonde hair, highlighted by the sun and chlorine, was gelled back; he was dressed in a navy blue tux that matched my dress. Pulling his trademark sunglasses off as I walked up to him, he smiled and leant over giving me a kiss on the cheek. I blinked at him; too nervous to speak, too nervous to even smile.
“Hey babe,” he said smoothly, not an ounce of the nervousness I felt in his voice, “ready for the night of your life?”
I nodded mutely as he reached for my hand and I turned to wave goodbye to my parents, posing for a second as my Mom stole a quick photo.
His hand slid down to the small of my back as he led me out to the limo parked on the curb and he leaned over, his lips tickling my ear as he whispered, “you look just stunning tonight, Kara.” I shivered as his voice vibrated through every cell in my body.
“You look pretty amazing yourself, Finn.” I whispered.
“KARA!” Heather screamed from inside the limo. “Oh my god, you look like princess! Get in here! We have champagne!”
Fin rolled his eyes at his twin sister’s excitement and opened the door helping me and my dress into the limo.
“Wow, Heather, you’re an angel.” She really was. Halo and all. She grinned and turned her head showing her hair pulled into a long plait and then pinned into a circle sitting on top of her head, like a golden crown. Her long, slim body poured into a white mini strapless leather dress that hugged every single inch and curve, and white shoes on her feet. She looked like an angel, but an angel in disguise to tempt men over to the dark side. Only her smile was pure.
I waved to Eric her boyfriend, who waved back, champagne glass in one hand and half empty champagne bottle in the other.
“Let’s go shall we ladies?” Finn’s voice suddenly spoke up next to me. “Cheers”
We clinked our glasses, ready for whatever the night had to bring.
***
“Oh, I love this song! Come on!” Heather grabbed my hand to pull me onto the dance floor.
“Are- are you coming?” I asked Finn. He looked at me just long enough to shake his head before turning back to Eric and their conversation.
“Ignore them, come on! Before the song ends.”
I hobbled after her, my feet already killing me from the high heels she’d made me wear.
Heather threw herself into the music, bobbing her head and jumping up and down. I’d never danced in front of so many people and just kind of swayed along to the beat.
“Are you having a good time?” She asked, breathless.
“Sure.” I smiled. Truth was, I didn’t know what I was doing there. I’d realized that I hardly knew anyone while Heather knew everyone. And I didn’t want to be a burden to her; it felt like she had to keep checking up on me every few minutes to make sure I was having fun.
“Is Finn treating you ok? If not, you tell me, alright?” She squeezed my arm to reassure me.
“He’s fine.” I lied. It seemed as though after picking me up, he had barely remembered that I was there.
When the limo arrived at school, he just got out and walked straight into the gym, leaving me to go in with Heather and Eric. Then all through dinner, he just sat with his back turned to me talking to Eric.
I ran the evening through my head and couldn’t remember when he’d given me more than a one word answer. I was so confused. Why did he even ask me here?
He could’ve gone with any number of girls who’d have killed to be his date. There were girls here with their boyfriends who would’ve dumped them to come with him. So why would he ask ME, and then just ignore me completely.
“Hey,” Heather nudged me, “song’s over. Wanna grab a drink?”
“Nah, I’m ok, I’m just going to go out for some air. I’ll be right back.”
“Ok, don’t be too long, or else I’ll drag an army of sequins out to come looking for you.”
I gave her a soft smile and pushed myself through the ocean of writhing bodies to the front door.
The cool air hit me like a soft icy cloud pillow to the face.
“Ooofff. Brrr!” I shivered to myself, wrapping my arms around my body.
I walked over to the empty row of benches that faced the school entrance, sitting down rubbing my arms to coax the goose bumps back into my skin. Everything looked so different at night. The front lawn, usually teeming with adolescent bodies trying to make it through the day, now looked like a serene painting. Everything still and airbrushed with silvery paint. Tree branches spread like wooden tentacles out into the dark, hiding generations of high schoolers’ secrets amongst its boughs.
“Hey.” A soft male voice spoke from behind me.
I didn’t need to turn around to know it was Finn.
“Hey.” I replied. Not sure what else there was to say.
“What are you doing out here?” He asked, still standing behind me and the bench.
“Just wanted some air.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Why?”
“Why tell me? I’m your date. You just disappeared.”
“How long did it take for you to notice?”
“I deserved that.” He sighed and turned to go back to the gym. I held my breath, waiting for him to be gone before I could burst into tears. After a few seconds I heard him come back, this time standing in front of me. “Why are you here?” He asked again, looking down at my face.
I looked up at him, confused. “I just told you, I needed som-“
“No, Kara, I mean, why are you here at the prom? With me.”
“You asked me.”
“
You didn’t have to say yes.”
It was now or never. I had nothing to lose. Well, except for a ride home. “If you don’t know the answer to that then I guess after ten years of me being friends with your sister, you still don’t know me at all.”
I got up and brushed past him, I wasn’t going to humiliate myself in front of him for another second.
“Wait.” He grabbed my arm.
“Let go of me, Finn.”
“Sorry.” He dropped his hand. “Just stay, ok? Just for one minute. Sit with me for one minute. Then I can take you home if you want.”
There wasn’t any way I could refuse him. I sat on the edge of the bench and he came and sat beside me.
“So, um, have you decided where you’re going next year?”
“Er, yeah, I got into NYU Stern.”
“Wow. I didn’t know that. Congratulations. Wow. So, you’re on your way out, huh?”
“I’ll be back.” I shrugged.
“Don’t be. Move upward and onward. Don’t look back.” Finn fidgeted with his hands and stared out ahead into the night.
“I wish it were that easy.”
“It is, just close your eyes and make the leap. Don’t ever look back.” He sighed.
“What about you? Where are you leaping to?”
“Me? Who knows? My leap doesn’t have a destination yet.”
“It’s going to be pretty weird not being around the same people all the time.”
“That’s the best bit. No one to miss here.”
I let his words hang between us, the letters mingling with the air and mixing into a million different combinations – every single one meaning, that I meant nothing to him.
“You’ll write to me, won’t you?” He turned to look at me as he asked.
“Um. Do you want me to?”
“Yes. When I said don’t look back, I meant it. But, I didn’t meant with me. I was hoping I wasn’t someone you looked back on. I hope I’m part of your looking forward.”
“Ok…”
“I mean, we’ve been friends for ten years now.”
“Have we?” I asked dumbly.
“Haven’t we?”
No words came out of my mouth when I opened it. Maybe it was a case of self preservation.
“Hey, remember that time we all went to the beach on Thanksgiving three years ago? I don’t know what possessed us to even try dipping our toes in, a week from December.” Finn reminisced, making me grin at the memory.
“Wait. There was no toe dipping, YOU flung a whole bucket of water at us, we were freezing the whole way home and Heather was sick for a week after”
“But you remember it, right?” He grinned his cocky grin that I pictured almost every night before going to bed.
“Not in the way that makes me feel like I should write to you!” I poked my tongue out at him, suddenly feeling more comfortable with him than I ever had in the last decade.
“Then it worked. You don’t write postcards to people you don’t remember.”
“Am I going to get a postcard from you?” I felt brave just asking.
“I don’t know. What’ve you done that I should remember?” He poked his tongue out at me back.
“Nothing.” I admitted. Not a goddamn thing.
He reached over and grabbed my hand, and just let it lay there on top of his, palm to palm, fingers to fingers. “‘Dear Finn, don’t worry too much. I’m sure you’ve just misplaced it. It will turn up tomorrow and you won’t even remember that it was lost. When you start to feel miserable, think of something happy. Like chocolate milk or puppies. Don’t waste time being sad when you could be smiling instead.’” He recited.
“What was that?”
“That was you.”
“Me? When?”
“About 7 years ago.”
I rifled through my memories trying to remember when I’d said that and why.
“You don’t remember do you?”
I had to shake my head.
“I’d just lost my favorite skateboard. It was probably stolen from the front of the house, I’d- ”
“…just gotten it for Christmas. And you were so distraught.” I remembered now.
He smiled and nodded. “Yeah, and that night, I went into my room and found your note on my pillow.”
“And you memorized it.”
“Not on purpose, but that’s what happens when you read something over and over and over again. ‘Don’t waste your time being sad when you could be smiling instead,’ we were about 10.”
I couldn’t believe he’d not only remembered the note, but knew it by heart it. He’d never even spoken about it, I just figured he either didn’t see it, or just read it and threw it away.
“So. I’m smiling. Right now, instead of being sad. Just like you told me.”
“Why are you sad?”
He was silent and I didn’t push him. The sound of the music from the gym drifted towards us. The chatter of hundred of teenagers weaved through the melody. Making memories to last them a lifetime of story telling. Etching into their histories every moment of the night, what they wore, who they were with, first and last time doing things with friends they’ll never hear from again.
I felt Finn move next to me, standing up and running his hands down his tux jacket. I guess it was time to go in.
He held his hand out to me, “I don’t think we’ve had a dance together yet. Can’t go to prom without having a dance.”
I put my hand in his and he pulled me to my feet, then suddenly hard against his body.
“Ooof.” I exhaled.
“Oh, sorry, that was smooth wasn’t it?”
He slid his arm around my back and pulled me in closer. His hand holding mine tight, his head cocking slightly to gently lean against mine.
I could barely breathe.
The slow ballad wrapped its gentle melody around us and cocooned us from everything but our entwined bodies.
“ Kara.” He whispered into my ear, “you’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.”
I closed my eyes and prayed not to be woken from the dream.
His body was warm against mine, and we swayed, barely moving more than an inch each beat, but it felt like I was floating on air, high above the earth, with the stars as my witness.
“Kara...” He whispered again. “I have to tell you something.... I...”
“KARA! FINN!!! THERE YOU ARE!!!!”
Heather’s voice, shrill and loud cracked like lightning against the quiet night. We jumped apart, and I crumpled to the ground, my ankle twisting under me from the sudden pressure on my stiletto.
“Oh my god, Kara! Are you ok?” Heather came up to me, panting, helping me to my feet. “Finn! Why didn’t you help her?”
He just stood there, looking at me, his breath coming out in hot, white bursts of steam.
“I’m ok, I’m ok. Just not used to wearing heels this high.” I reassured her.
“You were gone so long, I told you I’d come looking for you, if I didn’t find you.”
I smiled weakly at her, my ankle starting to ache. “I told you, I’m ok, Heather, I just needed some air and um, Finn, um, I guess he just came out to keep me company.”
I snuck a glance at him, he was facing away from us now, hands digging deep into his pockets.
“Ok, well, are you sure you’re ok, your ankle isn’t broken, is it?” Heather continued to fuss
I laughed to comfort her, “No, it’s just a bit sore, I’ll just sit here for a few minutes.” Alone with Finn, while you go back inside, I thought to myself.
“K, well I’ll sit with you, it was getting a bit too hot in there anyway.” She sat next to me and made a show of brushing the dirt off my dress.
Eric went over to Finn and grabbed his arm. “In that case, we’re just gonna go to the little boys room and meet you girls back inside. ok?”
“Since WHEN did you guys go to the ‘little boys room’ together?” Heather asked, not convinced.
“S
ince we got thirsty and wanted to grab a drink, nosy, sheesh.”
He marched off with Finn in tow. I watched them go, but Finn never turned back.
Chapter Seven
Present Day
“And you’re absolutely sure that we can’t wait until you can go on this trip?” I held the phone away from my ear as Larry gave me the answer I didn’t want to hear. “Ok, ok. Doesn’t hurt to ask. Get some rest if you can, and text me when you have some more news about Dean.”
I’d dropped by the hospital on my way to the airport, and my heart still hurt from seeing Larry’s son looking so helpless lying in the big sterile bed. He was usually bouncing from surface to surface with a big grin on his face and talking a mile a minute. Today he just looked confused about why he wasn’t being allowed out to play. Truth was, as much as I was dreading this trip, at least it was taking my mind off Dean.
Shoving my phone into my pocket I scanned the doors and check-in counters again. “Ugh. I knew it. He’s going to make us miss the flight.” I murmured to myself. My mind flashed back to the morning – “Don’t be fucking late!” I’d snapped at him. It hadn’t been an empty reminder, he’d always been late to everything when we were growing up. Always making Heather late for school, missing field trips, missing the bus BACK from field trips.
“Arrogant prick.” I spat, catching my reflection in the dirty airport glass doors and seeing my face was all scrunched up.
“Where? I want to see an arrogant prick too.” His voice suddenly spoke up behind me.
I froze. They say smell conjures up the past, but sound does a pretty god job too. It was deeper now, slightly huskier, but it was still his voice. A voice I’d once craved to hear address me, in any way. Now it just made my heart squeeze with something that felt like a cocktail of heart ache and regret.
“I imagine you see one every 10-15 seconds or so.”
“Why so often?”
“I don’t know, you tell me what’s so fascinating about your own reflection.”
“Ouch. Kara. It’s not nice to hurt your boss.”
“You’re not my boss,” I said firmly.
“No, I own your boss.”
“Your stepfather owns my boss. And he just hired me as your babysitter.”