by Daisy Allen
“I’ve loved you my whole life, Finn and I will for every life to come.”
Chapter Twenty Three
There is something special about Paris at night. While the setting of the sun usually brings darkness and marks the time for people to retreat to their homes, the twinkling of a million lights strewn over the monuments of France’s capital lures the romantics out to play. The air is scented with promises and perfumes, of love and lust, of temporary insanity and tempestuous affairs.
We could hear the life streaming out onto the streets of Paris as we left our room and travelled down in the elevator. The normally quiet foyer was busy with women in their elegant gowns and men in their formal best, ready to start the night at the Four Seasons and let it end up where it may.
I clung to Finn’s arm as we walked through the hotel, the excitement reaching a fever pitch, feeling like I belonged in this decadent and lavish culture for once. He smiled at me, and I felt like the luckiest woman there, desired, protected, loved.
We’d had to tear ourselves apart after our declarations up stairs once the reception had called to tell Finn the car he’d ordered was ready. But I didn’t care, it had happened, and it could never be taken away from me.
“Finn! Kara!” A female voice called to us from the front entrance.
“What on earth?” Finn mumbled. “Heather?”
His twin ran up to us, pulling her small luggage behind her.
“Heather!” I ran up to her and fell into her open arms. We’d just left her yesterday but I was still so happy to see her, wanting to make up for lost time. “What are you doing here?”
“I just felt like surprising you, I wanted to see you before you went back to the States and we’re not too busy for the next few days so I thought, why not? Oh my god!! Is that your prom dress? You’ve had it all this time?”
I frowned, confused, “No.. I...you didn’t?...”
“Oh! I was so excited to see you, I forgot, Finn...I have a surprise for you too...look!”
We all turned towards the entrance, just as a stunning blonde woman walked in, dressed in a body hugging black dress. She waved to us as she struggled with her luggage.
“Oh my God.” Finn turned to me. “Kara...”
“Finn! Go help her!” His sister told him.
“In a minute, Heather.” His hand pinched around my bicep, almost painfully.
“Can’t you see she needs help? What’s wrong with you?” Heather scolded.
“Kara...Just. Just wait here.” Finn said firmly, letting go of me, and walked off in the direction of the woman.
I watched as she beamed at him as he approached her, dropping the handle of her suitcase to wrap her arms around him and kiss him on both cheeks.
“Who is that, Heather?”
“Oh, that’s Madeleine, Finn’s wife.”
Chapter Twenty Two
“His...wife?” I repeated after her. Finn grabbed the suitcase while the woman, chatted away, following behind him as he walked back towards us, his eyes locked on mine.
“Yeah, he hasn’t told you about her? They were married about two years ago, they met in Ireland, he’s known her forever. She’s great! You’ll love her.”
“Kara.” Finn came up to my side, reaching out for my elbow.
I gritted my teeth to stop from tearing my arm away, not wanting to make a scene.
“Hi! I’m Madeleine. You must be Kara, Heather’s told me all about you.”
“Um, he- hello,” I stammered, the blood draining from my head, the air stuck in my throat.
“Would you two excuse us please, we were just in the middle of something.” Not waiting for their answer, Finn kept his hold firm on my elbow and steered me around the corner, into a quiet hallway.
“Kara. Just...wait.”
“Finn? Are you-are you married?” I asked, incredulously, already knowing the answer.
“Kara, it’s, um...”
“Just answer the question, Finn, yes or no. It’s very, very simple.”
Finn took a deep breath. “Yes.”
I exhaled and closed my eyes, trying to clear the spots dancing in front of my eyes before I spoke again. “And that woman is your wife?”
“Yes. Madeleine is my wife.”
“And,” I struggled for breath, “does she know about me?”
“Um...”
“Does she know that I’ve been sleeping her husband for the last week? Is what I mean.”
“Kara.”
“Yes or no, Finn.”
“No.”
“Last question, and this will all be over. Is she the reason you couldn’t promise me anything beyond this week?”
“Fuck.” His head dropped to his hand and he turned away from me, “you were not supposed to ...”
“What? Find out this way? That I was just a convenient fuck while you were away on a work trip?”
“No!” Finn flinched, “that is NOT what I meant.”
“Answer the question, Finn. Is your marriage the reason that this was always only going to be a one week fling?”
“I didn’t want it to just be one week, Kara, please believe me. This wasn’t supposed to happen, not yet. It just…it wasn’t supposed to happen this way. I just, I couldn’t not be with you.”
I had to restrain myself from covering my ear, to stop his words, words I didn’t want to hear that made me want this all to be okay when it wasn’t. “Yes or no, Finn.”
“Yes.”
“Good bye, Finn.”
I turned to leave, but he grabbed my wrist and pulled me back to face him.
“Kara, please. Please understand.”
“I do. I understand. I wish you the happiest life, Finn. I really do. But this time, I really mean it. I never ever want to see you, ever again.”
I wrenched my hand out of his and ran toward the entrance, the tears I’d held back finally allowed to stream down my face, ignoring the two female voices calling after me.
And blocking out the male voice that I never wanted to hear again.
Part Two:
Finn
Chapter Twenty Three
Two years ago.
Madeleine took my hand as we stood in front of the registrar.
“You ready for this?” She asked, smiling up at me.
“Yes. Definitely. Let’s do this.”
“Get on with it, would ya? Or else I’m going to keep these rings,” Heather complained from the side and everyone laughed.
“We’re ready,” I told the city clerk.
“Ok, friends and family, we are gathered here today, to celebrate the marriage of Finn O’Reilly and Madeleine …”
Chapter Twenty Four
Present day
“Kara!” I ran after her, but the foyer was so busy. I ducked between the crowds of people, ignoring Heather and Madeleine’s confused looks and calls out to me. I had to get to her before she got lost in the crowd.
I ran past the doorman and out the front entrance, catching a glimpse of her blue dress billowing in the wind outside on the curb.
“Kara!”
And then she was gone. I scanned the groups of twos and threes waiting outside for friends or a cab.
“Philippe!” I turned to the doorman, “Did you see where Ms Sinclair went? Did she get into a car?”
“Yes, Monsieur O’Reilly, she only just got into a taxi, they just left when you came out here.”
“Where did she go, did she say where she wanted to go?” I asked impatiently, where would she go? I asked myself.
“No, monsieur, I am sorry, she just got into the taxi, I imagine she just told him what she wanted.”
Dammit. “Well, did you see what direction they went to?”
“Well. Oui, monsieur, but all cars go that way leaving the Four Seasons. I am sorry. Can we help some way?”
“Can you turn back time?” Take me back 5 minutes, or one year, hell take me all the way back to 25 years ago, I would’ve told her I loved when we were 10 and spared us al
l this pain.
“I’m sorry?”
“No, I’m sorry, it’s nothing. Thank you for your help, Philippe.”
I stared off in the direction the cars were driving, and wondered which one she was sitting in. Hating me again.
I shuffled back into the foyer towards Heather and Madeleine.
“What was that? Where’s Kara?” Heather asked.
“Just, nothing, don’t worry about it. She had to go somewhere.”
I turned to my wife, “What are you doing here?”
“I thought I’d come and visit my parents and then pop over here to surprise you as well! I called Heather and she wanted to come and see Kara as well. Are you surprised?”
“Yes. Very.” I answered honestly, “Heather, have you got a room?”
“No, not yet.”
“Ok, let me go sort that out, be right back.”
I needed an excuse to be by myself for a moment, some time to sort out what I needed to do about Kara. I had to calm myself at the thought that I may have fucked up so bad, that there really was no coming back from this one.
***
“Ok, so now we’re alone, what just happened downstairs?” Heather asked as she sat on my bed. Madeleine had left to settle into her bedroom.
“Why, god, WHY did you not tell me you and Madeleine were coming here?”
“It was a surprise. You do it all the time. I don’t get it, why does it matter?”
I just stared back at her. How could my own twin be so dense?
“Oh my god, is something going on between you and Kara?”
I could only confirm by not denying it.
“Finn! Does she know about Madeleine?”
“She does now. Well, she knows we’re married.”
“She didn’t know before?”
“No.”
“FINN!”
“Fuck! I know! Fuck fuck fuck!” I felt like scratching at my own skin, at the helplessness boiling under the surface.
“I had no idea when you guys came to Lyon, I thought… just thought you guys were working together.”
“How astute of you.” I snapped sarcastically.
Heather flinched at my words.
“Shit. Sorry, I didn’t mean that, I’m just, I don’t know what to do.”
“What exactly is going on between you two?”
“I don’t know, I don’t know how it happened! Just, every time I came near her, I couldn’t, I couldn’t resist. And one thing led to another, and soon we couldn’t get enough of each other.”
“Finn. You’re married.”
“I know.”
“What did you think was going to happen?”
“I don’t know, I didn’t care. I just wanted to be with her. I finally got to be with her, Heather.”
She looked at me, sympathy welling up in her eyes.
“What DOES she know? What is she expecting from you?”
“Nothing. She doesn’t want anything to do with me.”
“I don’t mean now, I meant, while you were together.”
“I told her…” I shook my head at the memory, at the complete idiocy, “I told her that we could only be together for this week, and that I couldn’t promise anything beyond our time in Paris together. And tonight, I told her, I love her.”
“Oh, Finn. You…you can’t say that to a woman and expect everything’s going to work out well.”
“I know that now. I just, I didn’t want to hurt her again.”
“But…”
“But I just did.”
“Yeah. I know it’s not a conventional marriage, but that’s not going to matter to someone like Kara, Finn. You need to explain to her what’s going on.”
“How? I don’t even know where she is.”
Heather reached out to squeeze my hand, I grabbed it for comfort. “I don’t know, Finn. But we’ll find a way.”
***
I stayed up all night listening for Kara to come back to her room. Perched on the end of my bed, my ears strained for any noise, a key card in the door, the dropping of her bag on the coffee table, the sound of her shoes being kicked off, but there was nothing.
She didn’t answer any of my calls or reply to my texts. She’d just disappeared.
Our last meeting was scheduled for 10am, I knew she wouldn’t be late for that. I went into the bathroom for a quick shower, leaving the door open in case she called out to me or knocked on my bedroom door.
Letting the hot scalding water massage my aching scalp, I couldn’t believe I was here again. So close to having it all with Kara, and then fucking up before we even had a chance.
Turning the water off, I wrapped the towel around my waist and stepped out of the shower. Just then, I heard the door open and close to Kara’s bedroom, I threw open our adjoining door, running into the living room to see her.
“Kara!”
It wasn’t her.
“Oh, Finn, you startled me,” Larry turned around, cocking an eyebrow at the towel.
“Um, oh yeah, sorry, I just thought it was Kara.”
“Oh, she’s gone, Finn. I’m just here to grab her things.”
“Gone? Where?”
“Oh, um, she came to see me last night, she said since I was here then you and I could handle the meeting today on our own without her and she had so much work to do in NYC that she might as well go home early. I thought she must’ve told you.”
“Um, no. No, she didn’t tell me.”
“Yeah, there was a red eye so she went straight to the airport, I guess. She had all her passport and things in her purse, so she just asked me to come back here and take her suitcase back with me tonight.”
Fuck. I didn’t think it’d come to this, I thought I would at least see her today and make her listen to me.
“Oh ok, um, well, we have a meeting in an hour so I guess I’ll meet you downstairs in half an hour?” I said, excusing myself so I could process that Kara had left the country in order to avoid me.
Chapter Twenty Five
Fifteen Year Ago
“I told you, she’s not going with anyone. She’s not going at all.” Heather barely looked up from her book to tell me.
“Oh, why not? I thought all girls dreamed about their prom.”
Heather shrugged, “I dunno, she just didn’t sound interested.”
“Think she’ll go with me?”
“You? Why you?”
“Why not? I’m not going with anyone.” Because I only want to go with one person, I thought to myself, but Heather didn’t need to know.
“I dunno, you’re YOU. She’s too good for you. But whatever, it wouldn’t hurt to ask, I guess,” Heather shrugged, then brightened, “I’d love for her to be there, and Mom and Dad should be okay with giving you a night off your grounding if it’s Kara. They love her.”
“Yeah, ok, whatever, maybe.” Could this really be my chance? Before high school is over and she leaves and never looks back?
“If you do, be nice, Finn. Don’t be all…you know. You.” She looked at me pointedly.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I knew what she meant.
“You know, just don’t be a jerk. It’s Prom. Whatever happens tonight, she’s going to remember it forever.”
***
“You are a fucking bastard. You ruined EVERYTHING! I NEVER want to see you again!” she screamed at me through the open car door. More angry than I’d ever seen her in all the time I’d known her.
“That’s NOT going to be a problem!” I forced myself to pretend to snicker, I had to get out of there as soon as possible.
She slammed the car door shut and I stepped on the brake skidding off out of the parking lots.
I took a peek in the review mirror, Kara was standing there, watching the me drive off, her shoes dangling in her hand, looking beautiful in her blue dress.
“Fuck, Finn, what are you going?” I banged the steering wheel as I drove around the bend, Kara’s reflection gone from the mirror. I couldn’t believe
how bad it had all gotten. The road ahead looked a little blurry and I wiped my hand over my face. How much had I had to drink?
Go back and get her, you fucking idiot, or I guarantee that’s the last you’re ever going to see of Kara Sinclair, the nagging voice inside my head warned.
God dammit.
I swerved to the side of road and parked. Taking a deep breath, I counted to ten, trying to calm myself. How had it gotten so screwed up?
I should’ve told her, I should’ve told Eric and Heather to piss off when they interrupted us, and I should’ve told her right there and then, that I loved her, that I’ve loved her forever, that I couldn’t live without her, that the thought of her leaving next year scared the fuck out of me, and that wherever she was going, I was going to go with her.
HOW had it become me almost forcing myself on her, and then telling her that she wasn’t what I wanted?!
Idiot!
I banged my head against the steering wheel this time.
I had to fix it, I had to explain to her that I was just a fuck up and she had to forgive me.
I pressed on the accelerator, the car burst into life and I waited for the road to clear before I turned back to the look out.
“I’m sorry, Kara, please just give me two minutes to explain,” I practiced the words, trying to sound as sorry as I felt.
The road opened to the lookout and I parked and jumped out of the car.
“Kara!” I yelled, scanning the empty parking lot.
She was gone.
Chapter Twenty Six
Present day.
“This is it?”
“It’s the address you gave me, bro, $8.50,” the driver answered impatiently, wanting to get to his next customer.
I handed him the money and got out of the cab. “512” I read off the piece of paper.
Riding up the elevator to her apartment, my heart fluttered in my chest. The plane ride home yesterday had been torturous. And I‘d spent the last day trying to get her address. She’d done well covering her tracks, making sure no one would help me find her. But, eventually using the stepfather’s name at the HR office turned out to be the trump card.