My hopes fall, but right now, I need her. I nod, but forget that she can't see me.
"Yeah."
I wait exactly five minutes and thirty seconds, and three knocks are heard from the door and the doorbell rings. I open it and am greeted by a very worried-looking Jenna. Ryan is leaning against the door frame, a slight look of anxiety as well. He is a good friend, so I don't mind him listening to me while I talk to Jenna.
"What happened?" asks Jenna, taking her shoes off and sitting on the couch. Ryan copies her actions. I go upstairs and take the torn paper from the empty garbage can in my room. I hand the torn pieces to her. She scans the contents of the paper, her eyes wide.
"He gave me this yesterday. And before yesterday, he found my iPod. He changed my background to an old picture of us."
Her whole body stiffens. "Why?"
"Do I look like I know?"
Silence.
Ryan looks at me and hands me a pillow. I gratefully hug it. Jenna clenches her fist, her cheeks getting red. She takes out her phone and calls someone.
"Kian, hi!" she greets. Kian is Ethan's best friend. "Can you please tell that asshole of a friend of yours to get over himself? If he wants anything from Amy, he should talk properly, instead of the stupid messages he keeps on sending her."
She raises an eyebrow at what he answers. "I don't care if you don't know what I'm talking about. But he knows. Just tell him that if he wants to tell her - oh, hello! Well, isn't it Ethan."
My heart stops for a second. Ryan is trying to get the phone from her, but she pushes him away. He shoots me a worried look. We both know that this can't end well.
"Do I seem like I care? Ethan, if you want to tell her something, man the fuck up and tell her face-to-face."
The muffled response on the phone makes Jenna's eyes widen. But there's a fire in them. "Okay. Bye."
She turns to me, hesitation clear in her eyes. Her next words make me want to hit my head on a wall repeatedly.
"He's coming over to talk to you."
4
Everything has changed
I look at Jenna as if she sprouted two heads. She purses her lips and she knows how much this affects me.
I take a deep breath to let it all sink in. "The hell, Jenna? Why would you let him come over? You really think I need this right now?"
"Yeah, Ames, you need this. You have to talk to him properly instead of suffering. Instead of taking sleeping pills to fall asleep every night and not eating properly and flat out torturing yourself," she replies.
I shake my head at her, get up and rush to the bathroom. My heart is thudding in my rib cage. I can't breathe. I look up at the mirror and stare at the girl in it.
Her hair is everywhere, strands of it falls out of the bun she hadn't bothered fixing this morning. It resembles a rat's nest, especially now that it isn't so long anymore. Her skin is pale, with the exception of her cheeks being slightly red due to all of the excessive crying. What shocks me the most is how lonely her eyes look. They used to be this bright green; now, they are a dull moss color.
She seems so sad and broken.
I blink.
She blinks.
I realize: My hurt is showing on the outside. I hate it.
The doorbell rings for the second time that day. Of course he's here; he lives across the street. I jump. I hear Jenna open the door and Ethan's voice comes out low and hollow: "Where is she?"
"In the bathroom. Give her a second." Footsteps approach the door and Jenna knocks once.
She knocks again. "Amy? Ethan's here."
I know.
I open the door and give her a small smile. She pats my shoulder and points at Ethan. He is wearing the red jacket his mom gave him for his birthday. His hair is ruffled and his eyes meet mine. I don't waste any effort trying to read what's in them.
Jenna pokes Ryan, who stands up. She shoots me a nervous smile. "We'll go fix some hot choco."
Really, I know that is code for: I'll make hot chocolate and spy on you.
"Don't do anything I would do," said Ethan. We all look at him and Ryan chuckles at his feeble attempt at a joke. He grabs Jenna's waist and they head to the kitchen.
I usher him to the couch. "Go ahead, sit," I say, watching as he takes a seat. I sit on the opposite side of the dark green couch my mom loved so much.
He looks at me, a faint sparkle in his eyes. "I need to talk to you."
"Well, obviously," I say, a dry chuckle coming out. This does nothing but make him stiffen.
He scratches his arm and switches his body toward me. "Mars, I made a mistake. I wasn't sure about my feelings when I-you know."
I stay silent.
"I still love you. I was just confused. I never stopped loving you. You are everything I want. I need you in my life, Mars! I am so so sorry. I am sorry for everything, you have no idea."
My answer surprises him. I start laughing. I laugh like my life depends on it, and it feels so good. It is not a sarcastic laugh, but the kind of laugh you get from a child being tickled. I laugh because of how stupid I was. I laugh because of how dumb he is.
He becomes confused. "What's so funny?" He cracks a smile.
"You."
"How?"
I keep on smiling when I say, "You think you can come here and swoop me off my feet again by those words. You broke my heart, Ethan. You stepped on it. You threw it away. You expect me to fall into your arms and we can live happily ever after?"
"W-well, no, but I-" He stops when I lift a finger to stop him.
I feel a weight lifted off my chest. "You flirt with everyone, Ethan. June likes you. Give it a shot with her."
"I don't understand, Mars! I thought you still loved me."
I shake my head at the use of my nickname. "You just said it yourself. I loved you. I thought that I did too, but I think I'm over you. I have been for a long time, I just didn't want to let go of you."
He is bewildered. His mouth is slightly agape, the same one I kissed so many times before. But now, I don't greet that memory as a bad one, or as one I long for. I see it as a pleasant one, one I am ready to forget.
"But I love you," he says, his eyes pleading. I shake my head again at him, slightly laughing.
I ruffle his hair. "No, you don't. You just think you do. You'll get over me. Please, give June a shot. Ask her out. She'll make you forget all about silly old me."
And he puts his lips on mine. I don't kiss him back. He still smells like peppermint and chocolate. I put my hand on his chest and push him away. His gray eyes look disappointed.
"Did you feel anything?" He asks, but we both know the answer.
I simply reply, "I'm sorry."
"Mars, I just-"
I sigh. "Ethan?"
Silence.
I wrap my arms around him. He stiffens, but eventually hugs me back. He nuzzles his head in the crook of my neck. We stay like that for exactly two minutes and forty-nine seconds. I let go. I have tears in my eyes, but they are ones of relief.
"Now get out of here before my dad comes home and kills you," I say, knowing fully that my dad wouldn't be coming home for another two hours. He simply nods, stands up and gets out.
Jenna creeps out of the kitchen, her eyes as wide as tennis balls. Her eyes are teary too, and she smiles. I give her a tight hug; we both laugh and cry at the same time.
Ryan comes out, a cup of hot chocolate in his hands. He offers me a high-five. His face turns into a grimace at our expressions.
"Why the tears?"
Jenna and I let go, and give each other smiles that hold secret meaning only we could understand.
"We're crying because I'm getting my life back."
5
Walk on the moon
I smile at something Jenna says about her brothers. She has two: Louis and Kyle. They are oh so very protective over her, but sometimes she feels like strangling them. This brings me to thinking about how life would be like if I had any siblings. I've always wanted some, but Jenna is like my
sister.
Suddenly, my attention is captivated by Jenna's sudden change of demeanor. "Amy? That's the new kid I was talking about," she says in a hushed voice that makes me think we are committing a crime.
I turn to the direction her eyes are looking at. He is tall, and has his head held high. He has delicate features, but they make of him a rugged appearance. He has dark hair messily styled with gel. I cannot see the color of his eyes, but I couldn't care less. He seems stuck-up, even though I hate being judgmental.
"He has a bad boy vibe," I say, averting my attention to something else. Jenna winks at me and I chuckle. Lately, she's been trying to set me up with every guy around.
"Jen, no quiero novio," I say. I mentally praise myself for my use of Spanish. Mr. Alvarez, the Spanish teacher who has absolutely no control over our class, would be proud.
My eyes drift to June walking by Ethan's side, a smile lighting up her face. I smile.
Jenna winks in exaggeration. "Yeah, but a little hunting never hurt anybody."
"Don't you have a boyfriend?" I ask jokingly, taking a bite of the French fries in front of me.
She laughs. "It's all for you. I'm just helping you out, baby girl."
"Don't call me that."
She laughs again. I grimace at the whole concept of everything. "You suck, my friend."
And in a way, she did. But that's why we're friends.
"We have a new student, everybody," says the science teacher, a bright smile never leaving her face. The boy walks in with a small smirk and I can already see the girls in my class being a little more alert. They run a hand through their hair and bat their eyelashes.
"Why don't you introduce yourself?" She pats his shoulder. He gives her a small smile and turns to the rest of the class.
He gives us a nod. "Logan Masterson, everybody. I come from Kinesh High, yet I changed schools in the middle of the year." And I realize that the way he says that last part makes me doubt him.
Leah's hand shoots in the air and she twiddles with her hair. "What sports do you play?
"Soccer," he replies. She smiles at him. "Go have a seat beside Amaryllis." I let out a small grunt. He turns toward me and walks my way, letting out a small laugh.
I can feel his eyes on me for a few moments, and then he turns away. Mrs. Jones continues on explaining something about atoms and all. My mind drifts away, yet I scribble down the notes absent-mindedly.
I feel someone poking my arm repeatedly, and turn to them. Logan's eyes are a bright gray, like the color of the sky during the moments after a storm. "Can I have a pencil?"
I nod and give it to him. The class goes by and I yawn. I hadn't fallen asleep last night due to an assignment that is supposed to be handed in today. The bell rings, I stand up and take my things.
"Amar-oh, damn it!" I look up at the new guy, who apparently has difficulty saying my name.
"Yeah?" I say.
He gives me the pencil. "Thanks."
I nod. "You're welcome." I turn to leave.
He grabs my arm and gray meets green. There is some sort of emotion in them that I fail to recognize.
"You're insecure," he declares, “you really are.”
I snort and try to take my arm from him. "Let me go."
He shakes his head. "You're beautiful, but sadly, you don’t know it."
"Right." I laugh. "Let me go."
"No. You need to believe it."
"What, you think you're some kind of mind reader? You're new here. You haven't made any friends yet, and you're already hitting on girls? Let me go, Masterson."
He lets me go and his eyes never leave mine. "You need to believe it, Amaryllis."
My name sounds so foreign coming from his lips. I shiver. "Stop this."
I walk away.
6
All I want
"All I want is nothing more than to hear you knocking at my door. And if I see your face once more, I will die a happy man I'm sure," sings the beautiful Steve Garrigan, Kodaline's lead singer, in my ear. I adjust my earphones and tug on the hat on my head to cover my ears.
I look up from the ground and see snow falling like stars from space. The sun is setting, but it is almost unnoticeable, hidden behind the heavy clouds shielding the sky. The wind blows on my cheeks and I shiver. The weather is generally tame in California, but that doesn't mean that there aren't a few days of freezing winter.
I continue walking until I see the blue house and I am reassured at the thought of home being so close. Walking home from school every day is a blessing, but sometimes, I wish to take the bus and sit until I arrive home, protected from cold weather.
I feel someone tapping on my shoulder and so I turn.
"Masterson," I say. "What do you want?"
He coughs and I can see that his cheeks are flushed. "I want to apologize."
"For?" I raise an eyebrow.
"For being rude and saying nothing but the truth. But mainly for being blunt to a practical stranger."
I nod. "It's fine, Masterson." I turn to walk away, but for the second time in two days, he stops me by holding my wrist. I look at his hand and up at him again. He grimaces at my reaction and immediately lets go, as if my wrist was on fire.
"What is it? You going to apologize for holding a stranger's wrist again?"
His shoulders slump, but his eyes meet mine and I can feel myself melt into them. He has a strong jaw and soft eyes. His eyelashes are long, and there are slight flecks of blue merged with gray. He is handsome in a rugged way. His eyes though, they are the problem. They scream weakness, but mischievousness is in them.
"Can we start over?"
I sigh. Taking my glove off, I extend my hand to him. "Hello, I'm Amy."
He grins and glances at my hand. "Full name, please."
"Amaryllis Grace Wolfe, and you are?" I feel myself smile. Snowflakes fall on top of his hair and they seem to sparkle at me. He takes my hand and shakes it. I feel an electricity strike in my body, and it seems as if he does too.
"Logan Thomas Masterson."
I take a deep breath and look at him in the eye. I chuckle and start walking. He is by my side and I feel his eyes burning through me.
"Why are you looking at me?" I ask.
He gives me a smile. "Because you, Amaryllis, are beautiful. I enjoy looking at beautiful people, and I decided a while ago not to deny myself the simpler pleasures of existence.”[1]
I let out a loud laugh and look at him as if he has two heads. "Did you just use an Augustus Waters quote on me?"
"Maybe?"
"You suck, Masterson."
We continue walking and I feel a small spark of happiness inside. "Is your house close by?" I ask.
"It's actually on the other side of the street, by the small gas station."
I frown. "Well, aren't you walking in the opposite direction then?"
"Eh, too bad. A little walking won't kill me."
And I feel like there is a double meaning behind his words, but I don't ask.
"So, you've read The Fault in Our Stars1?"
He nods. "It's the best book I've ever read."
"Who's your favorite character? Mine's Augustus." I slow my pace because my house is coming closer.
"I like Augustus too, he sees life in a nice way," he pauses for a second, "and we have a lot in common."
"Well, besides being cheesy with girls, what other resemblance is there?" I laugh a little.
He faces me and gives me a small, dry smile.
"Because, just like Augustus Waters, Amaryllis, I am dying. And soon I’ll be dead.”
1 Book by John Green: The Fault in Our Stars
7
Do I wanna know?
I look at him, and for a second, I can hear my heartbeat and his. His smile is weary. I can see that he has suffered through a lot to be here, right now.
"Cancer?" I manage to say, feeling my eyes water. I don't even know why I feel so sad, I don't even know him.
"You're leaking," he says, chuckli
ng at the tears falling.
"Answer me. Cancer?"
He shrugs and gives me a melancholic smile. He starts walking a bit too fast, yet I am still rooted in my place.
Mars Page 2