by Jamie Denton
On the other hand, not all of the foster homes were the safe havens they were supposed to be, either. There’d been the alcoholic foster mother whose cocktail hour started right after she set the milk and cereal on the table at breakfast. The children in her care walked on eggshells, never knowing when the woman would explode into a rage, or who would be her target of verbal abuse for the day. When the abuse went from verbal to physical, a social worker had thankfully noticed bruises on Peyton and the other children. They’d promptly been removed from the home.
From there, she’d gone to a new family, where her foster parents had a teenage son who took great pleasure in torturing her and some of the other younger children. To this day she could barely stand the sight of a spider, and earthworms had her running for the hills. An endless series of nightmares that had her waking up screaming in the night had the family calling her social worker to find her yet another place to live.
Peyton’s next move had her foolishly believing she’d finally found that safe haven she’d craved. On the surface, everything had appeared absolutely wonderful. The house had been beautiful, the nicest she’d ever lived in, and her foster parents had been loving and kind, doing their best to make her feel welcome in their home. Treating her, she’d believed, like they would have treated their own daughter. Unfortunately, she’d learned a valuable lesson—that nothing was ever as it seemed. Because behind that loving pretence, behind all the fine furnishings and her very first private bedroom, decorated in pink-and-white, lurked an evil she hadn’t seen coming.
She’d heard horrible stories from other children in the foster care system, and had taken heed of their warnings of creaking doors and floorboards in the middle of the night, signaling a nocturnal visit no child should ever have to receive. Until the Williamson home, she’d been spared that particular ugliness.
As an adult, she understood she’d been powerless, but as a child, she’d blamed herself. After several months, she’d suffered from what she now knew had been severe depression. Thankfully, her social worker eventually noticed the drastic changes in her appearance, her demeanor, as well as her grades, and instantly knew something had gone terribly wrong. For reasons Peyton still failed to understand, she’d managed to maintain enough trust to tell her social worker what was going on in the Williamson household. A degrading medical exam had given the Department of Children and Families all the proof they needed, and she was promptly removed from the home. Dr. and Mrs. Williamson were prosecuted for child molestation and a whole host of other charges she hadn’t understood at the time.
It was then she’d been sent to the Biddeford Home for Girls, a move that, to this day, she firmly believed had saved her life. Without the firm but gentle guidance of the nuns who ran the home, she shuddered to think where she might have finally landed. Still, trust wasn’t something that came easily for her, but thanks to the love and patience of Sister Margaret and Harry Shanks, her future hadn’t been completely crippled by her past.
Looking back, Peyton figured for the most part her life could’ve been a whole lot worse. Security, control and most of all, trust, were important to her. Leland would have provided those for her, but she understood now that without love, their marriage would have been as empty as any stereotypical Hollywood or Capitol Hill union. She’d spent too many years with emptiness to accept anything less than real love. Something she should have realized before accepting Leland’s proposal of marriage.
She closed her hand around the engagement ring. Jared couldn’t offer her what she needed, either. Even if they weren’t running for their lives, security and control were difficult to possess with a man who risked his life for the job. She knew and understood that about him, but she had at one time accepted it for one simple reason—she’d loved him deeply. But she had trusted him, too. While he might be a little more emotionally bankrupt than she’d have liked, he had never lied to her, had never intentionally hurt her and, most important, he had treated her feelings for him as if they were rare, treasured gifts. With Jared, she’d always known where she stood.
And how had she repaid him? By turning him over to the very men she realized now were trying to kill him. She had handed him in without waiting to hear his side of the story. What she’d told him about being forced to testify against him had been true, but the real heart of the matter was far worse. She’d done what she had to because of a selfish need that wouldn’t allow her to relinquish what security and control she’d managed to gain over her life.
She didn’t know if she could ever really rectify what she’d done to him. Words were indeed cheap, but he did deserve to know the truth. Plus she owed him an apology. Neither would change the past, but if those words came from the heart, maybe he could find it within his own to forgive her for not trusting him and for allowing her insecurities to rule her actions.
With the ring still clutched in her hand, she left the bedroom. She found Jared standing in front of the fireplace, his hands thrust into the front pockets of his jeans as he looked down into the flames. Other than the light from the fire, only the bluish glow of the moonlight seeping through the windows illuminated the room.
He turned his head to look at her as she walked toward him. Even in the dimly lit room, there was no mistaking the flash of lust in his sexier-than-sin eyes. Her heart pounded against her ribs.
“Looks like I’m not the only one who can’t sleep tonight,” he said quietly.
“We need to talk,” she told him, determined to remain focused on her purpose for leaving the sanctity of the bedroom. The brief glimpse of need in his eyes was not going to deter her from her goal. She hoped. “There’s something you need to know.”
She came up beside him and made the mistake of looking more deeply into his eyes. Oh, yeah, that was definitely desire she saw simmering there. Regardless of her determination to remain focused, her body reacted in total and complete conflict of her goals. The enticing rasp of her hardening nipples against the soft cotton of her top made her realize just how dangerous Jared was to her sanity. She really shouldn’t be surprised. If there was one area where they never had any problems, it’d been in the bedroom, or anywhere else they’d made love.
He lifted his hand and gently pushed a stray wisp of hair behind her ear, then curved his fingers around the back of her neck. “Sounds ominous.”
She struggled to ignore the delicious chill that sped down her spine. “Seems like everything we do or say these days is.”
She reached for his hand, the one gently massaging the base of her skull and creating one hell of a distraction. She blamed her easily sidetracked thoughts on her body’s earlier sensual awakening. It had nothing whatsoever to do with her continued craving of his touch.
Turning his hand upward, she carefully laid the diamond engagement ring in his palm. One by one, she pressed his fingers around the cool gem. “You were right. I can’t marry Leland. Not when I still have feelings for you. Unresolved feelings,” she clarified, lest he think she was still head over heels in love with him. Which she wasn’t. Well, she didn’t think she was.
He glanced down at the ring before shifting his gaze back to hers. The desire shining in his eyes deepened. “What are you saying, Peyton?”
She cleared her suddenly clogged throat. “I’m saying I accepted that ring under false pretences. The reasons aren’t all that different than when I turned you over to the feds three years ago without giving you a chance to plead your case.”
He shook his head and frowned. “But I thought—”
She placed her fingers over his lips to silence him. “What I said about being forced to testify against you is true, Jared. Without the protection of marriage, I would have had no choice but to reveal anything you might have told me. But I sacrificed you, just as I was going to sacrifice myself by marrying Leland, because I refused give up what little control I did have over my life. I couldn’t take a chance and trust you. If I did, and I was wrong, I would have lost everything that gave me the security I needed
in my life. I couldn’t let go of that. Hence the reason I owe you an apology. I betrayed your trust, Jared. It was extremely selfish, and for that I am deeply sorry.”
He glanced back at the fire. With an almost desperate need, she wanted him to accept her apology. Fearing rejection, she distanced herself by moving to the sofa and sitting down. For each second that ticked by in silence, her anxiety mounted.
What was she hoping for? Certainly nothing as ridiculous as a declaration of love. Understanding? Yes, that’s what she wanted from him. Whether or not he accepted her apology, she at least needed him to understand her reasons for not giving him her complete and total faith. If he gave her that much, then perhaps someday he could actually forgive her for betraying him when he had never done anything but believe in her.
Finally, he turned to face her. Features that had been virtually etched in granite since he’d stormed back into her life were softened now, as was the look in his startling gaze. “Do you really think you’re telling me something I haven’t already figured out for myself?”
She let out a breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding. “Probably not,” she admitted. Obtuse was not a word she could ever have used to describe Jared Romine.
“We are who we are because of what we’ve lived through, fought for or suffered from. I know what the Williamsons did to you, sweetheart. And I know what that horrific experience did to you, too, remember? You were betrayed by people you trusted to take care of you and keep you safe, so your fragile sense of security had been threatened. When you saw that threat again, you did the only thing you could do. You protected yourself the only way you knew how.”
This was the Jared she’d fallen in love with, the one who’d understood her, and, once upon a time, had accepted her for who she was, idiosyncrasies, faults and all.
He gestured with his hand, still clasping the ring she’d placed there. “I also know what giving up this ring and all it entails means to you, too.”
“All it means is that I can’t marry a man I’m not completely in love with, no matter how much safety he can offer me. I sold out once in my life, Jared, and it cost me dearly. I’m not talking about security, but something so much more important and profound. I’m not going to repeat the same mistake twice.”
“Meaning?”
“Meaning I should have trusted you then and didn’t. I’m trusting you now. With my life.”
He slowly walked toward her and crouched in front of her. After setting the ring on the table, he rested his hand on her thigh. A flurry of sensations shot through her body, making her breasts tingle.
“What about your heart?” he asked. “What about those unresolved feelings you mentioned?”
Said organ stopped beating, and finally resumed at a maddening pace. “My heart?” She carefully removed his hand from her thigh. “No. There’s too much…everything. We’re not the same people we were three years ago. Too much has happened for us to ever recapture what we once had. You found Beth. Whether or not you really were in love with her doesn’t matter. You cared about her enough to marry her and try to make a life together. She meant something to you—you can’t deny that.”
He shifted his gaze to somewhere over her shoulder and shook his head. Whether in denial or agreement, she couldn’t say.
“I lost our son,” she murmured. “That’s something I’ve had to live with. And while I doubt I’ll ever suffer anything as painful in my life as losing a child, I’ve had to move on or run the risk of becoming one of those women who clings to the past and spends all her waking hours thinking of what might have been instead of getting on with the business of living.”
“So what are you saying? That no matter what, there can never be an ‘us’ again?”
“You’re like a drug, Jared. Being near you is like laying a needle in front of a hype in need of a fix. That’s not how I want to live my life, and I refuse for us to be one of those pitiful couples you hear about that keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again because they can’t let go of the past.”
Or the great sex. The wayward thought came out of nowhere, but she couldn’t deny the truth of it, either. Sex with Jared had always been fabulous, which made kicking the habit that much more difficult.
“No one says we have to keep making the same mistakes. What’s wrong with starting fresh?”
Everything, she thought. But, oh, the temptation was tough to resist. Did they have a twelve-step program for sex?
Hello, my name is Peyton. I’m addicted to sex with a guy who is totally wrong for me.
She needed distance or else her resolve would crumble and she’d be wrapping her body around his and begging him to make that fresh start with her. Instead, she pushed him away and stood. She hadn’t taken two steps when his fingers grabbed her wrist and halted her.
“Answer me, Peyton.”
She looked up at him. Desire, need and something much more frightening lit his gaze. Hope.
“It’s not possible,” she told him. “Not after everything we’ve been through. Especially when we both have a bad habit of repeating history. The past would always be there, between us, against us. Whether we acknowledged it or not, it’d always guide us subconsciously, giving us no choice but to act accordingly.”
“So you’re just going to walk away from us?”
You did. She might have kept the words to herself, but they were a solid reminder of why she and Jared could never resume their relationship. “We have no other choice.”
She attempted to shrug out of his gentle grasp, but he suddenly tightened his hold.
“Yes, we do,” he said, his expression hardening. “We can choose to be together.”
“Two days ago you could hardly look at me without being pissed off. Why the sudden turnabout, Jared? Nothing has changed between us.”
“This isn’t about change, sweetheart. It’s about control, and how you’re afraid to give up your hold on it.”
She laughed, but the sound held no humor. “You’re insane.”
He let out a sigh and tugged her close. “It’s not repeating the past that frightens you. It’s losing what control you’ve managed to obtain in recent months that has you running scared. The future is uncertain, and that doesn’t quite fit into your reality. If they get to us first, we might not even have a future to worry about, so what the hell is wrong with just living in the moment?”
She shook her head. Not because she didn’t agree with him, but because what he was asking was too risky. If she and Jared managed a way out of the nightmare they were in, then what? Could she really afford yet another scar on her heart?
“Peyton, if I’ve learned anything during the past three years, it’s that twenty minutes of wonderful beats the hell out of a lifetime of nothing.”
He had a point she couldn’t deny, especially since there was a damn good chance she and Jared could be killed. They might have managed so far to outrun those after them, but there were no guarantees about how much longer their luck would continue to hold. Based on what she now knew, there were a lot of reasons for them to want Jared silenced, and by extension, her as well.
In other words, what did she have to lose? Not much, as far as she could determine.
Keeping that thought firmly planted in her mind, she inched closer and slipped her free hand around his neck. She’d deal with tomorrow, and any regrets she might have, if and when they came. For now, twenty minutes of wonderful sounded like a good start to a splendid idea.
“Kiss me, Jared. Before I change my mind.”
A welcoming smile instantly curved his mouth. “I thought you’d never ask.”
12
JARED SLID PEYTON’S OTHER hand around his neck. She laced her fingers together, bringing her body closer to his. Her nipples hardened beneath her top, teasing him. Her warm scent enticed him. The feel of her body against his made his erection pulse and throb in delicious anticipation.
Peyton was finally in his arms where she belonged. A Peyton without restri
ctions, without the symbol of her pledge to another man between them—or anything else, for that matter, except perhaps a past they could not change and a future of uncertainty. Toss in the gut-wrenching emotions he knew deep in his soul would never fade, and it spelled only one thing: spending the rest of his life making up for the past.
She was his life. She was his love. She was his soul mate. Then, now and always. All he had to do was convince her of what had remained in his heart all the months they’d been separated. Yes, he had married another woman, and while he’d cared deeply for Beth, she hadn’t been Peyton. He wasn’t a complete jackass. Beth did hold a special place in his heart, but that space remained crowded by guilt that she had died protecting him when he hadn’t deserved her loyalty. Worse, she’d died knowing he could never completely love her because his heart would always remain with another woman. With Peyton.
Now was not the time for regrets. Not when he had the woman he’d always loved rubbing her body against his in an ancient siren’s call. He had two immediate needs—kissing her senseless and freeing them of their clothing posthaste. If he didn’t feel the press of her satiny soft skin against him soon, he’d go crazy.
He smoothed his hands down her backside to cup her bottom. She sighed and wiggled against his hands. “Kiss me, Jared.”
No way was he letting her go now that he’d finally gotten her back where she belonged. He dipped his head and caught her lips with his. She opened immediately, inviting him inside the sweet warmth of her mouth, where her tongue danced and mated with his. She suckled his tongue. Her hands slid into his hair, holding him so he couldn’t withdraw. She arched her slender body against his. His erection throbbed painfully behind the fly of his jeans.