by M. S. Parker
Not for anything.
“I’m going to have to end things with Kane.”
To my horror, tears pricked my eyes.
But I wasn’t going to change my mind, either.
26
Kane
I’d just cut my hand, and I stood there swearing a blue streak.
I was alone in the garage, which was a good thing. My temper was foul, and my mood was toxic.
It had nothing to do with the cut on my hand and everything to do with a phone call I’d gotten two days earlier.
Hey, Kane…it’s Michelle…we need to talk.
Anytime anybody said those words, it led to trouble.
But I hadn’t been expecting the conversation that followed.
Raye didn’t want to see me anymore. And she didn’t even have the balls to tell me herself. She’d had Michelle call me up and tell me.
I didn’t even get a reason, although Michelle insisted there was something else going on. She couldn’t tell me what it was, of course.
I don’t know what it is…I just know Raye’s holding something back.
Michelle could be right.
Maybe Raye was hiding something. Maybe she wasn’t. But it wasn’t like I’d be able to ask her. She didn’t want to see me anymore, and I wasn’t about to chase after her.
It wasn’t in my makeup.
Besides, we weren’t having a relationship. We’d just been having sex. Now, we weren’t having anything. And she couldn’t even tell me face to face.
Shit.
I had to get over this.
I hated the idea of never seeing her again, but I’d known it wouldn’t last.
Still, I felt uneasy about the whole thing, especially Michelle’s insistence that she thought there was more going on than what we knew. I kept thinking about the way she’d rushed out of the apartment after the last time we’d been together. We’d had a good time, right?
I’d ask her for pizza, and she’d been lying limp and lax against me, then…just like that, things had changed.
I was missing something.
Thinking about the nerves and fear I’d seen in her eyes so many times, thinking about the way she’d rushed out of here, then what Michelle had said, I pulled my phone out, half a mind to call Raye. I had her number, although I hadn’t once called her. She’d texted me a few times, but why couldn’t I call her? Just…we could do coffee, and I could ask her what changed, right?
My phone rang as I stood there staring at it and the sight of my mother’s face on the screen made me groan. I wasn’t in the mood to talk to her – or anybody. Except maybe Raye, but she wasn’t going to be coming around, now was she?
It wasn’t in my makeup to ignore a call from my mother, though, so I answered with a curt, “Hello.”
“Kane, honey, I’m sorry to bother you, but…it’s Austen.”
What the fuck else is new? I managed, barely, not to snap the words, keeping them behind my teeth through sheer will. “What’s going on?”
“He hasn’t been to school all week.” The words came rushing out of her, worry edging her voice. “The school called, and if this keeps up, he’s going to either be expelled or have to repeat, and you know Austen…he won’t do another year at school. I called him to see what’s going on, but he won’t answer his phone. He never talks to me anymore, and I’m scared, Kane. I’m just plain scared.”
Frustration bubbled inside me, but I shoved it down.
“Okay, Mom. What do you want me to do?”
“He’s not even answering his phone. Can you try to find him? Maybe he’ll talk to you.”
It wasn’t very likely, but I didn’t tell her that. “I’ll do what I can, Mom.”
As I disconnected the call, I shoved the phone into my pocket. So much for trying to reach out to Raye.
I was more than a little disgusted with the fact that I was going to have to hunt down my baby brother – again.
I swear, if I found him at another underground fight, I was going to nail his ass.
Maybe that was what I needed to do anyway. I’d been taking it too easy on him.
If that kid kept going on the road he was on, he was going to end up like I had…or worse. He had absolutely no sense of self-preservation these days.
27
Raye
My nerves were no better now than they had been before I ended things with Kane.
The nightmare had come again, although this time, it hadn’t featured Kane front and center. It was more like a vague blur of fogged memories, stuck on repeat in my dreams.
It had been several days since Michelle had called me to let me know she’d delivered the message to Kane, then offered a shoulder if I needed one. I’d almost took her up on that and I might yet, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to go down that rabbit hole, and all that might be exposed if I finally let myself open up.
Near the display in front of the store, I checked the time, eager to be out of there so I could go home and just…be away from people.
The bell over the door chimed, and I turned, a smile in place to greet the customer.
It froze as I saw who the customer was.
Chad.
Son of a bitch.
It was Chad.
“Raye…” He stepped toward me, an expansive smile on his face.
When he went to touch me, I backed away in a hurry, barely escaping his hands before he could put them on me.
He chuckled. “Sorry. Probably shouldn’t be going and hugging on you while you’re at work, huh?” He gave me a quick wink and looked around, rocking back on his heels as he did so. “I knew that was you I saw in here when I came by the other day. You disappeared so fast, I didn’t have time to talk to you. I guess you were going on break or something.”
“Or something,” I said stiffly.
My breathing hitched in my lungs, and my throat shrank down to the size of a pinhole, making it almost impossible to draw in air. Heart hammering against my ribs, I felt the tips of my fingers going numb.
Panic attack. I recognized the symptoms. I’d had them before but not recently. I had to get control of myself.
If I didn’t, I’d end up crouched in a corner and the thought of Chad seeing me like that was more than I could bear.
Breathe, I told myself. You can breathe.
Flaring my nostrils wide, I drew in a slow breath of air and forced my lungs to accept it. It’s mind over matter, Raye. Remember that.
Chad was still talking. I had no idea what he was saying.
I managed another breath.
Some of the white noise in my head retreated.
Swallowing, I darted a look around, hoping I could find one of my co-workers to dump him on, but the only one nearby was already talking to a young woman roughly my age.
Chad’s mouth finally stopped moving, and he stared at me expectantly.
“Is there something I can help you with?” I managed to say.
“Well, I’ll be honest…” He stepped in closer, but not so close that it would appear inappropriate to anybody standing nearby. “I came by to see you. It’s been a long time. I had no idea you’d moved to New York. Honestly, I haven’t seen much of you since…” His eyes narrowed as he cocked his head. “Man, I guess it’s been a couple years. Didn’t see you around much after that frat party. Hell, that was some party, wasn’t it? Remember?”
His tone dropped lower, almost intimate.
Did I remember? I felt like I was going to hurl. My hand clenched, and some part of me wanted to hit him.
“I’m afraid I don’t think a whole lot about that time, Chad,” I said, my voice rigid. “I left Texas A&M a while back, and honestly, that time doesn’t cross my mind much.”
Something flashed in his pale, watery blue eyes, and I braced myself for his reaction. But all he did was laugh. “Shit, maybe that’s the way to handle those wild times in college. We all have them, don’t we?” Another quick wink and he added, “You had some wild times, didn’t you, Raye?”
Wild times.
Son of a bitch.
That son of a bitch.
He sidled another step closer to me, and I backed away a bit, circling around the table to keep it as a barrier of sorts between us. From the corner of my eye, I saw that my co-worker had finished with the girl she’d been waiting on. “Chad, my shift’s nearly over so I need to go wrap some things up. I’ll turn you over to Emery, and she can help you with anything you might need here in the store.”
He opened his mouth to say something, but I flagged Emery down.
She was at my side, a bright smile in place before he could say a word, and I made quick my escape.
Darting into the back of the shop, I locked myself in the bathroom and braced my hands on the sink, staring at my pale face and struggling to keep the air going in and out of my lungs.
I had to breathe.
I had to keep breathing.
If I didn’t, I’d pass out, and even though he was in the front of the shop and I was back here, I refused to be in that sort of vulnerable position with him anywhere near me.
Turning on the cold water, I bent over the sink and cupped my hands under the flow, catching some and splashing it on my face. The encroaching fog washed back some. I breathed in deep. Splashed more water on my face. Breathed more.
Turning off the water, I stood there and focused on breathing.
After a couple of minutes, the rest of the panic edged back.
I needed to get out of there.
But the idea of going home no longer sounded at all appealing. Being at home where my memories swam in and engulfed me?
No, thanks.
But where in the hell was I going to go?
It wasn’t a surprise when a particular face flashed through my mind.
Kane.
I wanted to see Kane.
I thought about the nightmare but shrugged it off far easier than I had any other time.
Fuck that nightmare and fuck my nerves. I wanted to see Kane. He made me feel safe, and right now, I felt so far from that, it was almost laughable.
I peeked out the front and saw that Chad was still out there, talking to Emery. Grabbing my coat and purse, I slid out the back and hurried up W. 35th. I was getting out of there and going to see Kane.
Hopefully, he’d understand that I just freaked out a little bit.
Maybe I’d explain why.
Michelle had offered a shoulder to cry on, but the shoulder I really wanted was covered in intricate tattoos.
28
Raye
I got off the subway just a block away from Kane’s garage, and my breath came easier with every step I took toward his place.
By the time I rounded the building to head toward the back door, I was almost breathing normally and knew I’d made the right decision.
Turning the corner, I felt the muscles in my neck loosen, as I had made a decision. I was going to talk to him, explain why I’d wanted to call things off. He’d understand. We’d talk, and he’d do or say something that would make me feel better, just as he always did.
He’d–
“Who are you?”
A woman’s voice cut me short, and I stopped dead in my tracks, staring at the tall, slim woman standing near Kane’s back door. She stared at me with wariness in her expression and aggression in her stance.
“I…what?”
She looked around, her expression furtive.
I glanced toward Kane’s back door, my uneasiness returning in leaps and bounds. The small square of glass that acted as a window revealed that it was dark inside the garage, only a few lights on to relieve that blackness. Kane wasn’t here. I could tell that right away.
“Are you here to see Kane?” she asked, taking a step toward me.
I backed away immediately, the instinct second nature. “Why?” I asked warily.
“Just…” She licked her lips, her expression altering subtly. “Are you?”
Please don’t be a girlfriend. Immediately after, I felt foolish. Not so much because of how well I knew Kane – I didn’t know him that well, but because of how much I trusted Michelle. And yeah, I trusted Kane, too. They’d both told me he didn’t do relationships.
This couldn’t be his girlfriend.
“Are you here to see Kane?” she persisted, her sharp-featured face taking on a pinched look.
“Yes.” I lifted my chin as I stared at her and she looked away, passing a hand in front of her eyes, a disbelieving look on her face. “Why? What does it matter to you?”
She whipped her head back around to glare at me. A harsh laugh escaped her, and she demanded, “What does it matter to me?”
She stormed closer to me, although when I jerked back, she stilled. “That son of a bitch and his sick little brother raped me. That is why it matters. I came over here to…”
She trailed off, but nothing else she’d said would have penetrated the veil of shock that had dropped down on me.
They raped me.
Ugly, awful memories swam up, trying to drag me down. I fought them back.
“What are you talking about?” I demanded, although the words sounded hollow to my ears.
“You heard me.” The woman wrapped her arms around her middle, looking around with over bright eyes. “He raped me. Him, and his brother.”
I shook my head, backing away.
I was almost to the corner of the building when I crashed into somebody. Reacting on instinct, I spun around and drove the heel of my hand upward, just the way Kane had shown me.
And Kane jerked back.
I caught sight of his startled face in the piss-yellow security light.
“Hey, Raye…calm down. It’s me,” he said.
But that didn’t help.
The woman’s voice echoed in the back of my mind. He raped me…
“Do you know her?” I demanded, half turning and gesturing to the woman standing near the stoop of his back door.
Kane’s mouth tightened, but he glanced from me to the woman standing over near his garage. His mouth got even tighter as he stared at her, then he met my eyes. “Yeah, I know her. We used to…hang out.”
“Hang out?” I laughed, almost hysterical.
The stress of the day, hell, the past few days crashed into me, and I slammed my hands against his chest.
“Is that what you call it?” I demanded. “Hanging out?”
I thought of some of the things they’d called it when I’d been in this kind of situation, and anger, shame, all of it exploded through me. Slamming my hands against his chest again, I repeated myself, “Is that what you call it?”
“Shit, Raye!” He caught my wrists, but I twisted away from him. He didn’t make any attempt to hold me, but I was too angry to notice. “Look, we used to sleep together, is that what you want to know?”
“She says you raped her! You and your brother!”
A dumbstruck look came over Kane’s face.
It niggled at the doubt that had already taken root in me, but I shoved it aside. People had doubted me, too.
“What in the hell are you talking about?” he demanded. Then his gaze slammed into the woman standing behind me. “Calie…what have you been telling her?”
“Nothing but the truth,” the woman said, her voice shaking.
Calie, I thought. Her name was Calie.
“Look,” Kane said, looking away from her to meet my eyes. His were dark and intense. “I used to sleep with her. I broke it off a week or so ago. But I never forced her, okay? My brother doesn’t even know her.”
“That’s not true!” Calie shouted, crossing the distance that separated us to come to a stop next to me. “He’s still in my bed, for fuck’s sake. I had to wait until he was asleep to get the hell out of there.”
I felt sick.
Head spinning, I turned away from them both. Rubbing my face, I tried not to let the trembling in my hands show.
Behind me, Kane said, “You are so full of shit, Calie.”
“
No, I’m not!” She sniffed. “He’s sleeping, and if you know what’s good for you, you’ll get him the hell out of my place before I call the cops.”
“You’re lying,” Kane said, and his voice was remote. Cool. Calm.
“Is this lying?” she demanded.
I spun around just as she shoved a phone into Kane’s face.
Something flickered in his eyes. He snatched the phone out of her hand, shock flickering across his expression as he stared at the phone.
And I knew.
Calie wasn’t lying about Kane’s brother being in her bed.
Fuck. She was telling the truth. I didn’t have to see the picture to know.
I was going to be sick.
I’d let him put his hands on me.
Nausea roiled in my belly, and I turned away, pressing my hand to my mouth. Behind me, I heard Calie speaking, her voice loud and plaintive. The words made no sense, but they didn’t need to. I heard somebody hurting, somebody in pain.
Without thinking, I turned to her and held out a hand. “It’s going to be okay,” I told her. She accepted my hand, her fingers closing around mine, squeezing tight. “I know that sounds hard to believe, but it’s going to be okay.”
From the corner of my eye, I saw Kane drawing near. “Shit…Raye, don’t tell me you believe her.”
I shot him a look, eyes narrowed.
He turned away, looking disgusted.
29
Kane
Of all the bullshit things Calie had done, of all the bullshit things I thought her capable of, this was the last thing I could imagine her doing. I felt half sick, but I wasn’t sure if it was because she’d accused me of raping her, because it looked like she’d put her hands on my baby brother, or because Raye had believed her.
I didn’t know which one was worse, but all three made my stomach turn.
One thing was certain, though – there was only one thing I could fix, and that was keeping Calie away from my brother.
He was seventeen, even if he didn’t look it. That made him a minor, and I’d move heaven and earth to keep a leech like Calie from putting her hands on him again.