by Ward Just
Forgetfulness
Ward Just
* * *
Houghton Mifflin Company
BOSTON NEW YORK
2006
* * *
Copyright © 2006 by Ward Just
All rights reserved
For information about permission to reproduce selections from
this book, write to Permissions, Houghton Mifflin Company,
215 Park Avenue South, New York, New York 10003.
Visit our Web site: www.houghtonmifflinbooks.com.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Just, Ward S.
Forgetfulness / Ward Just.
p. cm.
ISBN-13: 978-0-618-63463-7
ISBN-10: 0-618-63463-0
1. Painters—Fiction. 2. Americans—France—Fiction.
3. Terrorists—Fiction. 4. Pyrenees—Fiction. I. Title.
PS3560.U75F67 2006
813'.54—dc22 2006013906
Book design by Anne Chalmers
Typefaces: Janson Text, Trixie, Europa Arabesque
Printed in the United States of America
QUM 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
A portion of this novel appeared, in slightly
different form, in Narrative magazine.
* * *
To Sarah
and to Kib and Tess Bramhall
and to the memory of Fred Busch
Part One
Florette
THE WAY DOWN was hard, the trail winding and slick underfoot, insecure. Late autumn, the air cold, no breeze, the setting sun casting long shadows, deceptive in the gathering darkness. The four men carrying the stretcher—two in front, two behind—had begun to curse. In the beginning they were silent, concentrating on their footing, but the way down was so very hard that they could not now restrain themselves, their boots slipping on the damp earth, the stretcher hard to handle. Each time the stretcher tipped the injured woman groaned, and when a part of her body grazed a rock or a tree branch she gasped, a kind of lumbar whistle, most annoying. They passed through wide-bellied fir trees and slender white birches, the smell of the forest in her nostrils, an odor so thick she found breathing difficult, a weight in her lungs that pressed painfully against her. She was bothered that the pain in her leg was migrating, an unwelcome undocumented alien. She was trying to put her mind in another place altogether but was so far unsuccessful. She was unable to free herself of the forest. It seemed to her the very end of the known world so she conjured images of unwelcome aliens. For now she was in the hands of strangers, dubious men who did not belong here. So she spoke aloud, telling them to be careful, to take their time, not to be so rough. She was no longer young, as they could see. And she was injured and not herself. She thought to add, "Please."
The bearers grew impatient, and as dusk turned to nightfall and their vision failed the stretcher became as heavy as a coffin despite the injured woman's average height and weight. The bearers in the rear could not avoid looking at her lower leg, loose as a rag doll's, leaking blood. Her trousers were torn and one of her shoes was missing. Of course the situation was difficult for her, injuries were never pleasant, and she was not dressed properly. Her espadrilles were made for a picnic or a stroll in the park. Her sweater was woven of fine wool, soft as babies' hair. But the situation was difficult for everyone and she could have the courtesy and fortitude to shut up about her own inconvenience. Still, it was well known that Americans were complainers when fate went against them. Americans believed they occupied a unique place in the world, a place under God's special benevolence. And if God was absent, anyone would do. The women were no better than the men. Wherever they went in the world they expected cooperation, and if they did not get it they complained.
This American in fine clothes was a flatlander, too old for mountain work, anyone could see that. She was lucky they had agreed to help her. She was not their responsibility and they had business of their own. But there she was, sprawled immodestly on the ground near the shelter, semiconscious, demanding to be taken care of. No telling how long she had been there but probably not longer than an hour or two, a harmless old woman who had lost her way, unsuitably dressed for the mountains, quarrelsome in the manner of Americans. Her good luck that the shelter contained an army-issue stretcher, placed there years ago for just such an emergency. She knew it was there, too. So she was twice lucky and should give thanks instead of complaining because by rights they should have left her where she was. Their business did not include rescue work. But they were mindful also of the tradition of hospitality, so after an argument they agreed to take her at least partway down the trail and they knew now they had made a mistake. The autumn light continued to fail and they knew they would not be free of the mountain before nightfall and they suspected, by the heaviness of the air, that a storm was coming. None of this—the weather, their slow progress—was to their advantage. The rescue of the American woman was an error and they would pay for it.
She heard them talking, the words indistinct except for the oldest one, the one with the lisp, the one who seemed to be the leader. All four were filthy, as if they hadn't bathed in a week, but he was the filthiest. Also, he smelled. When he bent close to her, his balaclava glowed silvery in the dying sunlight. He had the face of a conquistador, his lean nose, tiny pig's eyes that burned with contempt. He was thick around the middle. She had known men like him her entire life, reckless, savage, concerned for themselves alone. They stormed into your life and took what they wanted. These four carried small Adidas packs on their shoulders and looked as if they had been in the mountains for some time. She wondered if they had come over the high country from Catalonia. Or perhaps they were returning. She had no idea the direction they had come from; she had looked up in pain and there they were, staring at her, except for the young one, who looked away in embarrassment. She knew they were not casual hikers. She did not understand their language, only a word here and there; and when a tree branch caught her leg and she cried out, the one with the lisp looked at her and snarled, Silence, American! She was appalled. It could not be true that they thought she was American. Idiots, oafs—she was French and had always been French. One had only to look seriously at her to know that, her turned-up nose and the swell to her upper lip, the way she did her hair and—simply everything about her. It was true that she was married to an American, but they did not know that. Probably in her pain and confusion she had spoken English, thinking they might better understand her since English was supposedly the universal language. She remembered saying "Please." And for that they had misapprehended her nationality, and had she the strength she would have said to them that her name was Florette and she lived nearby in St. Michel du Valcabrère and had only gone for a walk as she did every Sunday after lunch. The others were still loud at table, some private joke. She had cleared the dishes and stepped out the back door, leaving Thomas and his guests to finish their business, though she could hear them laughing as she walked through the courtyard and the grove of olive trees beyond the courtyard, the day so sunny and fragrant. And then, much later, nearing the shelter, she had stumbled stupidly because she was tired, having walked much farther than was her custom; no doubt the wine at lunch had made her careless. But the afternoon was warm and she was distracted by the honeyed voices of the owls. The owls called and she answered back. She thought there were three owls, a loud bull-owl and his demure girlfriends. Now she listened to the men complain but she did not have the strength to set them straight. Setting them straight was not worth the effort. And if they thought she was an American they would be more careful with her, expecting a fine American reward, an automobile or a Swiss watch or a sack of gold. Munitions du jour. Perhaps a visa to the promised land. Florette smiled wanly at that, l
istening again for the honeyed voices of the owls, but for the moment the owls were silent and she heard only the breathing of the men and the creak of the stretcher.
When they reached a clearing they lowered the injured woman to the ground. The one with the lisp pressed a canteen to her mouth and she took two swallows, the water so cold it hurt her teeth. He stared at her with his pig eyes, then turned his back. She heard them move off the path and presently she smelled tobacco. They were talking quietly in their incomprehensible language, out of her field of vision. One voice rose above the others, then lowered to a whisper. She heard the lisp and wondered if it was part of the language, like the Zulu click. Castilian Spanish had a lisp but this was not Spanish, and he was no grandee. Thomas had taught her a few phrases of Zulu, thick with clicks. She could say the phrases but she had forgotten what they meant. They were everyday phrases: So long, see you tomorrow. Do you think it will rain? Phrases of that kind. She shifted her weight on the stretcher, trying to move her head so that she could better see where the men were located. But it was too dark now to see anything and her chest hurt when she moved. There was nothing to be done about the leg, which seemed to her an independent part of her body, an offshore island with its own government. The pain was less now than it had been, confirming a strongly held opinion of her mother's: the body contained a finite supply of pain and sooner or later it exhausted itself, a well run dry. You had to wait it out, a question of patience. The size of the well varied with the character and personality of the woman, but in most cases a woman's tolerance far exceeded a man's. Childbirth was the worst, yet all women got through it unless they were unlucky or had a butcher for a midwife. A woman's body was conditioned for pain, anticipating childbirth, whereas a man's was conditioned for pleasure. Pain always came as a surprise to men. Her mother had been very good about pain, even the pain of childbirth, an experience that had eluded Florette; and of course now she was too old. Thomas was even older. But her mother had never broken an ankle and been obliged to depend on the compassion of strange, sullen men who appeared out of nowhere, reluctant samaritans. So she waited, worrying about the leg pain that had migrated to her chest, hoping that her well was receding. She knew she looked a mess but there was nothing to be done about that, either. She remembered that Thomas had told her that Zulu women had a fantastic tolerance for pain, rarely exhibiting emotion of any kind. Stoics of the school of Marcus Aurelius, Thomas had said. But she guessed they looked a mess all the same.
Above the tops of the trees there were no stars, and then the trees themselves were lost to view. In her efforts to put her mind in another place altogether she was thinking gibberish, Zulu clicks and the like. Stoic philosophers. Bull-owls and their honey-voiced girlfriends. Her mother's theory of female pain. Florette was not at all in a good way, her thoughts confused as they were on those nights when she awakened in a cold sweat a few hours before dawn, half inside a dream and half out, uncertain where she was, filled with four o'clock dread, Thomas snoring softly beside her; and when she nudged him awake he was always easy with her, preparing to talk her through her dream, waiting with her until dawn. Often he wanted to make love but he knew he had to talk her into it, so he talked her into it and afterward listened to her describe her dream. Her mother was a frequent dream-visitor and Thomas was expert at coaxing the details from her, what her mother looked like and what she was wearing and how she figured in the narrative. What did you say to her, chérie? And Florette had replied: I said, Why do I have to make my bed when I'll only be getting back into it? Not the answer her mother wanted, and so she turned her head in disgust and flounced from the dream.
Florette's feet were cold in the morning and they were very cold now. Also, she had to take a pee. But she did not see how she could remove her trousers and her panties; and if she did, what then? She could not move with her leg hurting so. Asking the men to help was an invitation to grief. Her situation was insupportable. She shivered once again, the cold advancing until it seemed she was ice-wrapped. Surely these men could spare a pair of socks and a sweater but they paid no attention to her, as if she weren't there. Something touched her forehead, a snowflake so delicate she had to guess what it was. The forecast had said nothing about snow but mountain forecasts were often unreliable, assembled as they were in Paris or Toulouse by urban meteorologists who did not understand microclimates, as individual and erratic as human personality. Her mother had been a fine weather forecaster, unerring in her predictions. She knew everything about weather and not very much about being a mother and nothing at all about men. The three skills must be incompatible, chalk and cheese and lambswool—and then she knew she was thinking gibberish again. She tried to pull herself together, back into present time. She reckoned they had another hour or so of march before reaching St. Michel du Valcabrère, and the longer they rested the more difficult the march would be, that was obvious; and at once she had the solution. One of them could run on ahead and fetch Thomas. Thomas would return with the doctor and a proper litter with blankets and trained orderlies to make her comfortable because they were people familiar with mountains. Mountains held no terror for them. That was the efficient way to go about things, and she knew she could survive so long as she was not bounced about by strange men. No one wished to be with strangers at such a time.
She wished to God she had a cigarette. The thought came to her unexpectedly. She never took tobacco with her on her walks, not wanting it to interfere with her sense of smell. But now she craved a Gitane. She called out in English and French but her voice was weak and she suspected they did not hear her. Certainly they were indifferent to an old woman in distress; that is how they would see her, a crone, though she was not yet fifty-five. She knew she looked a fright. They had no interest in her. In any case, they made no reply. If only she were given the opportunity, she could explain to them about Thomas and his American generosity. It would help if she had a Gitane, such a commonplace amenity given her distress, the unlucky circumstances of her present situation. The aroma of tobacco was delicious and she decided then that the gods had conspired against her. The gods of the Pyrenees were good at conspiracy. They were cruel. They rode the mountain winds and went where they pleased, very old gods grown spiteful with age. Nothing was forgiven, not the slightest misstep. They were omniscient and they were deaf to explanation. Mountain gods were especially vengeful toward women who invaded their domain, careless uninvited intruders who did not know their rightful place in the world. Such women were an affront and would be punished.
Florette dozed awhile, her thoughts blown this way and that. The thought would appear at a window in her mind, look in, and disappear. She tried to think of the future, tomorrow and the day after tomorrow, the moment she would return to her normal life, routine as that life might seem. Probably she had grown complacent. Many women did when they reached middle age and enjoyed the life they had made for themselves, even if it did not conform exactly to the life they had imagined or hoped for. When she was a girl she wanted to be a dressmaker, a great couturier with a shop on the Place Vendôme in Paris. She had seen such a place in an article in Paris-Match, a high-ceilinged second-floor salon with wide windows, spacious dressing rooms, and models in various states of undress, important clients arriving by appointment only. The client pressed a buzzer and a model admitted her and whomever she was with, often a man of a certain age and bearing. All the work was done on the premises, sewing machines whirring from early morning until late at night. She was the toast of Paris. Even the wife of the president of the republic owned one of her backless gowns, white satin, one of a kind. To wear a Florette was to admit to a particular attitude toward the world; the word for it was ardent. What a life that would have been! But the article did not explain how a girl from Aquitaine might get to the Place Vendôme. Characters in Balzac's novels managed it easily, arriving in the capital by fiacre, ox cart, or on foot from Angoulême or Tours and marching off directly to find their fortunes.
But she was not a chara
cter in a novel. She was Florette DuFour, and Florette DuFour had never been north of Toulouse. So her dream was deferred and upon graduation from secondary school she arranged for a job at the post office and at night knitted sweaters, which she sold at the Saturday market in the square at St. Michel du Valcabrère. She designed a label, Florette in cursive script, pink on a white background. She sold as many as she could knit during slow times at the post office and at night. She hoped that a couturier from Paris, perhaps on vacation, perhaps only passing through, would admire one of her sweaters and offer to take a consignment. Florette sweaters would become as desired as a Schiaparelli evening dress, and in due course Paris-Match would take notice and schedule an article, "Florette of the Saturday Market." That was how film stars were discovered; why not sweater makers? But it seemed that couturiers were not in the habit of visiting St. Michel du Valcabrère because she was never discovered, in that way or any way, except as a village artisan admired by her neighbors. Instead, she married the postmaster, an older man, most considerate, who insisted she resign from the post office so that she could stay at home to look after the many children they were sure to have. But there were no children and ten years later the postmaster developed a cancer and died, leaving her a little money, not much, enough to live on; and of course she continued to knit sweaters.
For the longest time she believed that no man would ever look at her, thirty-five years old, a widow, plump around the hips, a trace of gray hair at her temples. Men would look through her as if she were a pane of windowglass. She would live for Saturdays at the market and dinner alone or with her girlfriends (some of them widows as well), talking about their absent husbands and the life that lay ahead. St. Michel du Valcabrère was not a village that renewed itself. Handsome strangers did not arrive on horseback, as in American movies. Most families had lived in the district for generations, and it went without saying that everyone knew one another and there were the usual feuds and friendships handed down through the years. So it was hard to start afresh in the village because everyone came with a history, intimately known and impossible to revise, and the same was true of reputations. Not long after the postmaster's death, Monsieur Bardèche, father of three, husband to hatchet-faced Agnès, came by her table at the market and bought a sweater, and the next week he bought another and suggested they were so well made and nice-fitting that he might want one tailored to his own specific dimensions, a bespoke sweater, and to that end he would be happy to come by her house any time for the fittings, although Monday would be best because he closed his café early on Mondays; that would give him ample time for the fittings. So it was not true after all that men would look through her like a pane of windowglass. She had many such opportunities and was extremely choosy about which ones she accepted and which she declined but her Monday evenings were filled, mostly. All this reminiscence was in and out of Florette's memory in seconds, and she was left wishing she had taken one of the sweaters with her, the white cardigan or the blue turtleneck, when she had begun her walk that afternoon. She smiled when she thought of the article in Paris-Match and how she had read so carefully each word and examined the photographs, particularly the one of the handsome atelier on the second floor of the building at Place Vendôme across from the Ritz. Beautiful automobiles were parked nearby; strollers had stopped to peer into the windows of the jewelry store close to the second-floor atelier. Her eyes filled with tears. And then she heard a rustle in the woods, and someone cursing, and returned to present time.