It takes me about two hours to finish what I’m proposing. I hit send on the email to Spence, and close my laptop. Looking at my watch I realise it’s nearly lunchtime. The house has been pretty quiet so I presume Damon has gone to work.
Moving to the kitchen I make myself a sandwich. I pull out my phone and notice I have a text message from Spencer saying “thanks” with a smiley face. It makes me smile. I have grown attached to him, and he’s so easy to talk to. I reply before sending Damon a message.
Hey, I don’t fancy cooking tonight. Do you fancy a takeout and a movie? My treat.
I hit send and place my phone on the table while I eat my sandwich. My phone beeps with an incoming text.
Demon: I thought you wanted space? I have made plans. I can change them.
No it’s ok, don’t worry about it. Enjoy your evening. Who are your plans with?
It takes longer than I thought for the reply to come through and when it does I feel sick to my stomach.
Demon: Just a few friends but I can come back if you want? I don’t need to be there. I was just trying to do as you asked, Ella.
It’s fine. Have a good evening.
I throw my phone down on the table, ignoring it as it beeps again. Picking up my sandwich I collect my bag and move outside. It’s actually a really nice day so I sit on the patio, on a really comfy looking chair that is as big as my bed. It’s covered in pillows with a canopy above and there are curtains that can be closed for privacy.
I try to relax but my mind keeps drifting to Damon and his plans for the evening. Who is he going out with? He was vague in his answer. Friends he said. That could be Leona.
Jealousy burns inside me. Hate coils tight in my veins. I hate these emotions. I hate myself for feeling jealous. I’m weak. Damon breaks me.
He was going to cancel his plans for me though. That has to mean something right? He was just doing as I asked. He was just trying to give me time to think, giving me space.
My head is all over the place. I need this time to decide my future. To decide Damon’s fate.
I lean over to rummage in my bag for Lydia’s diary. That always makes me think clearly.
April 15th 2011
Damon wants me back!!
I knew he still loves me. I knew he wouldn’t be able to stay away too long. When I got his text message asking me to meet tonight for food and to dress nice for him I felt like I could finally breathe again.
I’M GOING OUT WITH DAMON!!!
I’m so excited. It’s been too long since he held me, since he made love to me.
I can’t wait for him to love me again.
Lydia was someone to love. There were so many things to love about her. She deserved love. Unlike me. I don’t deserve to be loved. I can’t be loved.
Tears flow freely down my cheeks. I know what comes next. I know the pain I’m going to feel at Lydia’s next words but I can’t stop myself from turning the page and reading her next entry.
April 16th 2011
It was a joke. He tricked me. Fucking made a joke of me.
I turned up and he was there with another woman. He made a scene and got me kicked out. He told me I need to stay away from him.
Why does he keep hurting me? What have I done to deserve his anger? My heart hurts.
I’m broken.
I don’t know if I can keep playing these games with Damon. I just need him to love me the right way. Leona told me that he’s just trying to see how much I love him. How much I need him. I can’t show him any more than I already am. Do I have to beg?
I will. I fucking will beg him of that’s what it takes.
I don’t want to be apart any longer. I need him. He needs me. I won’t be apart from him. I’ll make him see how much I love him. I’ll do whatever it takes for him to believe me.
The pain she went through hurts me but not as much as what I’m feeling now does. I just want to shut everything down. Just numb my emotions.
I lay down for a few minutes and before I know it my eyes have closed as I drift off to sleep.
****
When I wake something is wrong. The room is dark, and I’m no longer where I was. I panic when I feel someone at my side. Giving myself a moment for my eyes to adjust to the darkness, I realise I’m in Damon’s room. Looking at the clock it’s almost 7pm and the day has flown by. I’ve slept it away. Turning my head I see Damon asleep behind me.
He’s not supposed to be here. I untangle myself from his arms and sit up, trying to sort through my sleep filled mind. He said he was going out with friends to give me space.
“Damon, wake up... you’re supposed to be going out.” He opens his eyes and pulls me down back into his arms so I’m cocooned, my head resting against his shoulder.
“I’m not going out Ella. I’m staying here with you.” His sleep filled voice is raspy and sexy. His words slowly sink in. I look at him and can’t hide the happiness that creeps onto my face. He came home for me even after I told him not to. He still wants to be with me. A sense of hope floods me as I ask Damon why. His answer has me melting into a pool of love.
“If I can be anywhere in the world Ella, I will always choose to be with you.”
I kiss him hard on the lips, showing him my appreciation. A smile spreads across my face as I pull away from his mouth, and excitement seeps through my body. I pull away and jump out of bed, flicking on the lamp.
“Let’s do something fun.” I’m practically jumping up and down on the spot with excitement. I feel happy. Not the happy I pretend to be, but happy like before. Before Lydia, before Pops.
Damon looks suspicious but is obviously pleased at my enthusiasm. A smirk graces his lips before he replies. “Like what? And before you say anything else, I draw the line at doing our nails and putting makeup on each other.”
I throw my head back and laugh, picking up a pillow and hitting him with it in the chest.
Damon jumps up and I can see in his eyes he wants payback. I shriek with laughter as he throws me over his shoulder and then tosses me down on the bed. He looms over me, and before I realise what he is about to do, he starts to tickle me. I can’t stop laughing. It hurts so much I think I’m gonna pee myself.
“Damon.... Stop. I’m going to wee,” I plead. He kisses me then climbs off the bed. I jump up and head to the toilet. When I come back in he is no longer in the room. I go down stairs and find him going through the drawers of the coffee table, pulling out menus. He holds one up
“Pizza?” I move towards him giving him a kiss on the lips. The softness of his mouth against mine, along with the pressure he’s applying as he returns my kiss makes me body melt. I pull away and I smile at him.
“Perfect.” He returns my smile as we look through the menus and choose what we want to eat.
Knowing that Damon has blown off his plans for me makes me feel like I have achieved something. Knowing he cares about how I’m feeling is a massive step in the direction of finishing this thing.
I have to keep telling myself that this is what I want, who I am. All the other stuff – the falling in love, the wanting to live happily ever after – it isn’t meant for me. I don’t get to find prince charming and have him love me back. No, I get to find prince charming, screw him over for everything he has. Take it all.
His money, his heart, fuck even his soul will be mine.
That’s if I play the game. If I just leave I will deal with the heartache I’ll feel. It will be nothing compared to how I felt when I lost Pops and Lydia. At least I will have my baby. I will make sure Damon never finds us if I leave.
The thought fills me with sadness, which unsettles me again. Why am I at constant war with myself? There are three people in this relationship, Damon, me and the person I wish I could be. The girl I was. The real me.
I want to live happily ever after with Damon, but I have come too far now to turn back. When Damon finds out the truth he won’t want me anyway. That’s why I need to stay focused.
I must not love Damon
Hunt.
CHAPTER TEN
JUNE 17TH 2014
The weekend has passed in a blur of morning sickness, Damon touching me, and confusion. I believe he feels deeply for me but I also believe he loved Lydia at one point. Maybe that’s why he loves me. Subconsciously he sees her. I have to keep my wits about me. I don’t want to lose myself.
I don’t want to get lost in Damon like Lydia did.
May 1st 2011
I can’t believe it. Why are they doing this to me?
I saw them together, kissing. She was my friend. She helped me with Damon but now she’s trying to take my place. I can’t let her do that.
Damon doesn’t want her. He wants me!!
Damon told me who he really wants and I know I can be her. I can be who he needs again. Who he wants!
I just need a chance. I need him to see I can change.
I love him and not being with him hurts.
He’s playing games with my emotions. He looks at me like I mean nothing.
I can’t take this pain.
I NEED him.
I’ve been lost for the last three years. The things I’ve done don’t sit well with me now. It hurts my head to think of all the pain I’ve caused the “practice men”. I wish I’d thought about it more. I’ve done to them what Damon did to Lydia. At the time I thought I was preparing myself for Damon but now I’m not so sure.
I never stood a chance to beat him at his games. I only ever tweaked his jealousy, and after some of the bad things I’ve done before Damon, making him jealous was tame. I would rectify my behaviour towards the “practise men” if I had the opportunity.
I was consumed with darkness at that time.
That’s the problem. Once you let darkness inside it never leaves. It never dies, never comes out. You drown in it, get lost in it, and never recover. I’d let that darkness in and until Damon entered my life, my world was full of dark. Damon fills my dark world with light.
Am I ready to give the light up? I’m not so sure.
Today I’m meeting Flora for lunch. I’m not too sure how this is going to go down. I know she wants to talk about an engagement party, but I’ve done well this week to avoid everything related to being engaged. I’m not sure what to do yet so I don’t want wedding talk.
Damon has been good to me. Showing me his love, showering me with his affection, telling me he loves me at every turn. I’m not sure what to believe.
I make my way into Truly Scrumptious, looking around for Flora and spot her almost immediately. She’s sitting in a corner booth so I make my way over to her. She smiles when she sees me and stands to greet me.
She pulls me into a warm hug and kisses my cheek and it shocks me. I’m not used to real motherly affection but Flora seems to have taken me into her family since our first meeting. My throat clogs up as I return her warm embrace.
“Ella, dear, how are you?”
“I’m good thank you. How are you?”
“I’m happy.” The happiness shines in her eyes confirming her statement. “My baby is finally settling down. I couldn’t be more over the moon. I’m so glad he met you, dear soon to be daughter-in-law.” She lets out a peal of laughter.
I smile. This woman is the best part of Damon. Every good part of him comes straight from the love of his parents. It’s hard to believe some of the things Damon has done in his past. I would have never guessed he was Lydia’s Damon based on her description. He seems so different from the person Lydia described. I know Flora and George would not approve of some of the things Damon has done in his past.
“I’m glad to have met him too.” I don’t want to talk about the engagement so I steer the conversation to something more comfortable. “How is George?”
“The same, as usual. He’s always happy, that man. That’s why I love him so much.” I can hear the love in her voice as she speaks of George and it instantly makes me want to cry. My pops never moved on and found love after my mum left. He always said he didn’t need anyone else’s love. The love of his children was enough, but I do wish he would have found someone to make him happy like Flora and George are. “The Hunt men sure know how to show love, but you know that now.”
Nodding my head, I smile. If only she knew what Damon’s love was like in the past, and that it’s painful now, I’m sure she wouldn’t put all the Hunt men into the same category. A waitress comes over to take our order. I’m not feeling too well today. My stomach hasn’t settled so I make up an excuse of having a late breakfast and skip lunch, choosing just a glass of ice water instead.
Flora orders a chicken salad with dressing. My mouth waters at the same time as my stomach churns. I’ll be glad when these sickness bouts end. My mind can’t decide whether food would be good or bad, much to my dismay. The waitress returns quickly with our waters and leaves to take care of the other customers.
“Tell me how he proposed. I know it must have been romantic. He gets his romantic side from George.” I choke on the water I was just sipping when her question registers in my brain. My eyes widen as I think about Damon’s marriage proposal.
I gasp for breath as the water goes down the wrong hole. Flora quickly stands and comes to pat my back. I can’t exactly tell her how he proposed. He kissed another woman, chased me down when I caught him, asked me to marry him then fucked me against the kitchen island. Nope, that definitely won’t sit well.
Once I’ve got over my choking fit, I excuse myself to go to the toilet hoping Flora will forget her question when I return. When I’ve composed myself enough I return to the table. Flora’s lunch has been placed in front of her and she’s tucking into the salad heartily.
I’m thankful that she seems to have forgotten about the proposal when she starts speaking about Spencer.
****
The afternoon has passed by quickly. I’ve been with Flora for the last two hours and conversation has flowed easily between us. She is an amazing woman and I wish I had a mum like her. Damon and Spencer are very lucky to be able to call her their mum.
We’re getting ready to part ways when Flora brings up the subject of babies. I’m so relaxed and didn’t expect it that I’m sitting here in stunned silence as she rattles on about other options for parenthood. It takes me a while to realise she’s talking about me and Damon.
“... and I know it’s not everyone’s favoured option but I really see nothing wrong in surrogacy or adoption. Have you thought about your options since finding out you can’t have children?”
“I...erm... well... it’s not.” I sigh. How can I explain this without giving away that I am actually currently pregnant and shouldn’t be? “Flora, it’s not that I can’t have children. Just that I would need help to conceive. Well that’s what I was told but I’m sure doctors are sometimes wrong about these things. I haven’t really given it much thought.”
I feel sick lying to her. She doesn’t deserve lies but I can’t tell her I’m carrying her first grandchild right now before I even tell Damon. I struggle to stop my hand from resting against my stomach where I know my jellybean is growing.
“That’s okay, dear. I hope you don’t mind but I’ve been doing a little research on PCOS. I know things seem difficult but I just want you to know there are options.” I smile sadly at her. How the fuck am I going to explain a pregnancy to her? I don’t even understand how it’s happened in the first place. Obviously I know how I’ve conceived, but I was never meant to be able to conceive naturally.
“I’m so sorry. I’m not pressuring you, I promise. I’ve just realised how that sounds. I just wanted to see what options are available for you both in the future.”
“No worries.” I give her a reassuring smile, not knowing what else to say.
“Well I would love any grandchild of mine, blood or adopted. It wouldn’t matter to me,” she smiles.
I know she’s trying to make me feel better but it’s making me feel worse. I now know she would give anything to be a grandma. How can I take that away from her? How can I just le
ave and take away her grandbaby? I don’t think I can. I also don’t think I would be able to co-parent with Damon if I take him down for revenge.
“I always wanted a daughter, you know? We were happy to just get healthy babies but I did always dream of having a little girl to call my own. Instead I ended up with two of the manliest men going. I wouldn’t change them for the world.” She smiles off into space as if recalling Spence and Damon growing up.
Flora’s phone ringing puts a stop to my reply. I use her call as a way to avoid responding. I quickly say goodbye, kissing her cheek, before heading back to Damon’s.
I have a lot to think about. My jellybean would be wanted and loved by more than just me. I need to make the right decision for my baby. I need to put her first.
My hand stays on my stomach the entire drive back to Damon’s.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
DAMON
The house is too quiet. I hate coming home to an empty house now. I’m used to my beauty being here when I get back from work, but I know she’s out for the afternoon with my mum.
I take my jacket off and hang it up. I feel fucking restless whenever Ella isn’t around. I know she’s still struggling with Leona kissing me. She tries to act like everything is okay but I know she’s putting on an act. She hasn’t been sleeping well, and she’s been sick a few times.
She thinks I haven’t noticed but I notice every fucking thing about her. She’s all I think about, all I care about, and all I need. She just needs to see this, to believe me. I know I have work to do to gain her trust again. Keeping Leona away from her is a must.
I don’t know what Leona’s game is but she needs to fucking stop. She’s been blowing my phone up with calls and texts ever since I broke the news to my parents. I knew they’d tell Steen and Sandra, who would tell Leona, but I haven’t been ready to deal with her yet. I’m still pissed about her turning up at the restaurant so I’ve been avoiding all communication with her.
Warped (The Manipulation Trilogy Book 2) Page 5