Both her arms are now visible and functional. PAUL stands and runs toward ANGE. ANGE points the gun with her newly reattached arm and shoots PAUL.
RANDY
You promised!
ANGE
He didn’t feel anything.
RANDY
You shot him in the head.
ANGE
Yeah but he didn’t feel anything.
RANDY
You can’t possibly know that!
ANGE
Yes I can. He’s a robot so he can’t feel.
ANGE swings a cable over the couch, jumps over it, plugs her phone into the cable.
RANDY
You still-
ANGE
He’s a machine Randy. Machines don’t feel.
RANDY
He did… He he felt things constantly! Pain, sadness-
ANGE
He made you think he could feel. There are mechanisms that fire off to make you think he feels but in reality he does not. He was sent here to manipulate you the best way he could.
RANDY
He wouldn’t do that. Sure he constantly wanted to bang me and had a hard time accepting no but now that I hear he was from the future and was just ensuring-
ANGE
Randy! He does not feel, he is not your roommate, he is a machine.
RANDY
So are you!
ANGE
Part machine, part.
RANDY
You still lied to me!
ANGE
While researching the period it was said that people of your era didn’t like to reveal everything on the first date… had to leave “A little mystery.”
RANDY
A little mystery?
ANGE
Randy- I never lied to you. I love you, I just… had to keep things from you to keep you safe!
RANDY
How do I know you aren’t manipulating me, things are firing in your brain telling you how to manipulate me!
ANGE
This is a lot to take in. I get that. I am a cybernetically enhanced human being. From the future. I was sent back in time to find you. Destiny has brought us together Randy to ensure the survival of the human race through the innovations of our son. This being, the one you thought was your roommate is a lifebot that was taken by the coalition for natural existence; an extremely conservative technophobic terrorist organization hell bent on preserving an existence free of technological advancement. They’re like the global warning deniers or the anti-vaxxers of today; regardless of the science or research they refuse to listen. Not sure where they got this Paul unit from- they may have built him themselves but my best guess is they got their hands on a decommissioned model and sent him back to kill you.
RANDY
Like Terminator?
ANGE
Kinda.
RANDY
He wouldn’t kill me.
ANGE
You don’t know that.
RANDY
But I do. He wouldn’ve done it by now and he said-
ANGE
To them the ends justify the means. They will use whatever they need in order to get what they want. Even go against their values. He is a tool. And they are using him. Luckily my virus should be running its course and he will be a tool for us.
RANDY
Destiny… Robot…
ANGE
While this downloads we should probably get to copulating-
RANDY
Copu-
ANGE
Sex, we need to bang. I’m at my peak ovulation period.
RANDY
No thanks. I’m good.
ANGE
You’ve been dropping hints that you’re totally ready-
RANDY
Well now I’m… not.
ANGE
If anything you’ve been pressuring me-
RANDY
I haven’t been pressuring-
ANGE
If it weren’t for this walking hard drive we would’ve done this months ago-
RANDY
I don’t know-
ANGE
You were a little pushy-
RANDY
I sure- yeah I wanted it but I was waiting, I was willing to wait, and now you’re a cyborg! And- and- and- when we- I wanted it to be special. With someone I knew- Not someone who killed someone I know-
ANGE
Randy what could be more special than sharing ourselves and knowing our spawn will save the entire world.
RANDY
We’ve only been seeing each other for four months!
ANGE
I remember when we met. Ever since that day in Professor Plumb’s literature class, when you looked deep into my eyes I could tell you wanted me-
RANDY
Maybe but now I’m feeling a lot of pressure to perform. Also… Cyborg!
ANGE
I’m still human, I’m still the person you fell in love with.
RANDY
That’s not the point.
ANGE
If it helps, you won’t get electrocuted by my vagina.
RANDY
Sooooo not the concern I had… It’s a valid concern, I guess, but you’re not Ange.
ANGE
Yes I am.
RANDY
But you’re not!
ANGE
Randy. I don’t know what I can do to show you I am still Ange. What I do know is that you and I could share the most intimate gift two people can share… Hope.
She kisses him.
ANGE (cont.)
Safety
Another kiss
We can give the world life. You and I… what do you say? Come with me… if you want humanity to live.
She leans in to kiss him again, it seems like he’s into it, PAUL shoots up.
PAUL
Oooouuuucccchhhh!
RANDY
AH!
ANGE
Sorry sorry, calm down, he’s good, he should be working for us now, isn’t that right Paul?
PAUL
Whooo yes ma’am, reporting for duty!
ANGE
Side effect. He’s going to be very chipper… I guess.
PAUL
That’s right ma’am My optimism’s at an all time high now thanks to your rooting around in the old cyber cerebellum!
RANDY pulls a blanket over his head
ANGE
Randy, Randy what’re you-
RANDY
I’m going to sleep.
ANGE
No you’re not.
RANDY
Yes I am I’m going to sleep.
ANGE
You’re being ridiculous.
RANDY
No I’m not. I’m going to sleep and when I wake up Paul is going to speak normal, you’re not going to be a cyborg, and my magical baby juice will continue to be flushed down the toilet. Or a sock.
ANGE goes to pull the blanket off, RANDY whimpers. This repeats. PAUL gently tugs, it gives way, RANDY is pouting. PAUL leans in.
PAUL
Hey bud- What’s say we turn that frown upside down?
RANDY starts crying.
ANGE
Randy… I can see you need to get used to this. I don’t want to force you into anything you don’t want to do…
Door bell rings.
ANGE
Now that the Coalition for Natural Existence isn’t a problem-
Door bell rings.
-we can take our time… You’ll see I’m still me.
Doorbell, PAUL opens the door and an older woman with a ridiculous, futuristic rifle appears.
RANDY
Professor Plumb!?
PAUL
Oh hello there Professor, can I hang up your gun?!
PLUMB cocks the gun, pulls the trigger, and a noise is heard. ANGE and PAUL fall to the ground.
RANDY
Wha-hu-I-WHAT?!
PLUMB
Randall!
&
nbsp; RANDY
You killed them!
PLUMB
Kill? Kill who- the Robots- No no this is a sonic electromagnetic pulse.
RANDY
He’s a robot but she’s a cyb- What the hell is that?!
PLUMB
What?
RANDY
The rifle!
PLUMB
Sonic EMP Randall, like I said, do try to keep up.
RANDY
You’re from the future too.
PLUMB
Good, good I’m very glad I don’t need to explain it to you. Saves me a lot of time. Be a dear and search them for weapons while they're still out of commission-
RANDY
What the hell is going on?
PLUMB
Ugh, thought it was obvious. We’re searching them for weapons.
RANDY puts his head in his hands and yells.
PLUMB (cont.)
You search that one and I’ll explain. As you’ve guessed I am from the fuuuutttuuuuurrrreeee! My superiors got the exact time wrong when they sent me back- see time travel is a wretchedly… unplannable… thing. Really really hard to predict. When I finally reached the time period you existed in you were two years old. It would have been weird and, well, physically impossible for you to get me pregnant, here, look at a picture of me when I first got here! Meeeooowwww right? I tried to stay a part of your life without, you know, hiding in the bushes, I’d give you little nudges in the right directions. That’s why I have such a stupid name, had to think quick, Professor Plumb was the first name that popped into my head. By the way you did not get the hint to go to the college I was working at. It’s really hard to get a job as a professor at any college let alone quitting and finding a whole new job at a completely different one- point is I have had to live my life for eighteen years in the past, you know now, and well here we are! Now do you prefer top or bottom?
RANDY
Top- Bot-
PLUMB
Yeah we need to bang!
RANDY
NO! Nonononononono!
PLUMB
Thanks don’t worry about hurting my feelings or anything- if you had met me twenty years ago I mean you saw the picture! Why do you think I’ve focused the entire semester on Nabokov's Lolita, I was trying to get you hot and bothered! Now we need to do this before those two wake-
RANDY
Ange said-
PLUMB
Ange, Ange, Ange- Oh! The lady robot?
RANDY
Cyborg and yes, my girlfriend said that she was the mother of-
PLUMB
Let me guess sheeee said that sheeee’s going to the mother of your child, the mother of Glorious Leader didn’t she?
RANDY
Yeah I-
PLUMB
Sure, sure, she’s been lying to you.
RANDY
That’s not… untrue but-
PLUMB
Of course she would say that, she’s a bounty hunter for a private collector.
RANDY
I can’t deal with this.
He puts the blanket back over his head.
PLUMB
She’s a collector sent to get your man jelly, put it in a collection vessel in her… well her hoo ha, and get it for her private collector. What’s that for?
RANDY
Going to sleep… When I wake up I won’t be in a world where someone wants to put my man jelly on display.
PLUMB
Uuuugggghhhh stop being such a sad sack. Do you not see how awesome this is? How many people can say “My sperm is Revolutionary.” There’s lots of money in holding the key to stopping or starting a revolution. Yeeeep. Aren’t you glad you didn’t get all hormonal teen and spread it around to just anybody? She’d get it, collect it, she’d give it to the person who hired her. Then she’d probably kill you once she got it. Reeeeeal black widow that one… or maybe more of a praying mantis situation right there.
ANGE
Hmmuh
PLUMB
She’s waking up, we should probably bang now-
ANGE
Ugh you-
PLUMB
Let’s do this!
PLUMB begins to undress.
RANDY
No! I don’t want to have sex with you!
PLUMB
Look at the picture of me right before I shifted through time! Suuuuuper hot right!?
ANGE
You… I’ll kill you.
PLUMB lifts rifle. ANGE stops.
PLUMB
You’re just gonna stay right there.
ANGE stands over PAUL’s body.
RANDY
Stop stop stop!
ANGE
Randy I don’t know what she told you-
RANDY
Are you working for a private collector?
ANGE
I would never lie to you Randy. I love you. When this is over you and I will be together forever.
RANDY
That is super intense!
ANGE
I know the future I’m from the future-
PLUMB
So am I, and so do I.
ANGE
She’s lying!
PLUMB
You’re lying!
RANDY
I’m the only one that wasn’t there! I don’t know who to believe!
ANGE
Randy, just give me my gun and we-
PLUMB
Nooooope no no, not a good idea, don’t do that.
ANGE
Randy I promise I will not kill you. I would never kill you.
RANDY
No? No I suppose you won’t. Could you just… Say that again.
ANGE
Um, OK. I would never kill you.
RANDY
So you won’t kill me, what about him?
ANGE
I don’t know what that EMP did to his circuits.
PLUMB
Sure blame it on me.
ANGE
Very good chance what I did to him is reversed. So he may try and kill you.
RANDY
There it is.
ANGE
I don’t want him to kill you. I don’t know-
RANDY
But he will… if you let him.
PAUL
Rebooting. Rebooting.
ANGE
I don’t know what his original programming was.
RANDY
His original programming wouldn’t allow him-
ANGE
You don’t know-
She moves towards RANDY
RANDY
I do-
ANGE
I can’t stop him.
PLUMB
Stay where you are or I’ll EMP you again-
ANGE
So do it.
She moves towards PUMB.
If it worked you would’ve done it the second I woke up. I’m right about that.
ANGE knocks PLUMB to the ground.
That’s what I thought.
PLUMB
Damn it.
ANGE
Randy, give me the gun and we’ll make this work out.
RANDY
This won’t ever work. I just want to be left alone…
PLUMB
Sorry kid. If he wakes up and you give it to me or him it’s worthless to her. Depreciates value. You give it to me and that one’s masters will be pissed and keep coming after you. No matter who you bang someone loses, and- people don’t feel good about losing.
RANDY
None of you will get it- I won’t bang any of you!
PLUMB
It’s not your choice. Not really.
RANDY
It’s… It’s… you can’t-
PLUMB
Kid I’m sorry- If I don’t she will.
ANGE
Randy-
RANDY
Don’t lie, she’s right. Isn’t she?
ANGE
Randy-
RANDY
Answer the question.
ANGE
I have my order-
RANDY
You said you wouldn’t force me-
PLUMB
Did she say she wouldn’t force you or she didn’t want to-
RANDY
Oh my God-
Brocreation Page 2