by AJ Summer
“DS,” I say, looking him straight in the eye as I flash him my most evil smile. I should’ve put on some dark liner this morning. It normally keeps the annoying bastards away. The charming smile on his face falters for a second before he shakes his head and claps Lewis on the back.
“What's that stand for…Mia-Jae Andrews?” Lewis asks with his boisterous voice ringing out in the classroom. He turns my backstabbing book, with my name in bold letters on the front, back towards me. I can’t help notice how big his hands are or that they are stained with…grease? I grab my book and pull it close to my chest with a huff. Great, now I’m really shielding myself with literature. And they’re not even my poems. Great hero I am, I think to myself. I stare dead in front of me. I'm not going to be a willing participant in whatever sick game they are playing with me. I can’t help notice Jase sitting quietly facing the front of the class. He doesn’t seem bothered by their childish little game. His hoodie is still pulled up over his head.
Mr. Solomon gives the page number in the textbook, and the rustles of turning pages signal the beginning of class. I find the required page and pretend to read along with him.
“Uh, Mr. Solomon, sir, we don't have any books yet. Maybe we can share with the lovely Mia?” I look up at the mention of my name and straight into the cocky grin of Lewis. My eyebrows draw down and my mouth tightens. If looks could kill, Lewis would be twitching on the floor. But nothing happens, not even a slip of his lips. Maybe my fist can take care of that? I’ve never actually hit anybody, but for him I’m willing to haul out the ninja. I almost laugh out loud at my ridiculous thoughts, but then I remember I’m caught in a stare down.
“Very well. Mia, move over to their table,” Mr. Solomon says, sounding very bored and flicking his hand at me. My eyes dart over to the old teacher. Even he can see the game these two are playing. I stand up roughly and let my chair scrape across the floor, demonstrating my annoyance like a disgruntled five-year-old. As soon as my ass is in the air, Lewis grabs my chair and puts it on the other side of the table. My back will now be facing the teacher, and my front facing the three of them. I grab my book from my table and sigh. I should’ve skipped class, I should’ve stayed in bed. I should’ve never gone home last night. I should’ve done everything different to keep me from this situation. I keep my head down; thankfully, I still have my hoodie over my head. When I reach my chair I spread the book open on the desk. I stare at the page until the words blur. I refuse to look at the guys sitting in front of me. I can’t risk looking up. Even just sitting here opposite Jase, my heart is pounding loudly. It’s beating so hard I’m sure it’s bruising my flesh.
A hand turns the page, and I stare at the words until I'm sure I'm squinting. The move is so small, just a tiny shift in his seat that I catch from the corner of my eye. I can't help it; my eyes immediately go to his, and he is looking right at me. Damn, those are some soul-baring eyes. Green and haunted with dark shadows. I get a silly little vision of me: smiling, bare foot, skipping through a green meadow. I'm full out swooning right here in class. His lips curl into a wicked smile. I wage the war on my lungs, struggling to breathe, and wonder if I should return that smile. But it happens so quickly. I'm not even sure I really saw it before he drops his head again and those pitch black strands cover his face. Jase is…I can’t even find the right word. Gorgeous? Wicked? Bad news? Delicious bad news that makes my mouth water and my belly act out. Damn it, I've been doing okay on my own. I should keep it that way.
Lewis slams my book closed and pushes it over to me. I almost jump out of my seat when he does.
“Aren't you a skittish little kitten? Don't worry, we won't bite. Okay, maybe Jase, he might bite. Damn, even I’ll bite if you ask me,” Lewis drawls out teasingly while I stare at him with my mouth hanging open.
I grab my book and bag and leave the class. Once I'm out of the classroom door, I have to remind myself not to run. I'm sure I already look like a marathon walker. I slip into the nearest stall in the girls’ bathroom and lock the door. I drop my bag and kick it hard. What the hell is that guy’s problem? Lewis doesn't know me; he doesn't know this school. Why is he teasing me? And Jase, I don't know if I'm angry at him and his silence or at my body and its crazy reaction towards him. I take a deep breath and rub my eyes. One more class then I have an hour break before the next class starts. I need to find Tom and buy a smoke. How he peddles his goods on school property without being caught, I don’t know. Everybody knows he’s selling, but nobody has been able to catch him doing it yet.
I walk the few steps to my next class in much less of a rush than earlier. In this class, my seat is right in the back. Is it weird that I chose the same seat in my literature class that I had in my English class in high school? Everything is the same. Last row, middle seat. Jenna on my right. Kyle’s seat on my left. But Kyle has never sat in this chair. Nobody sits in this chair when I’m in this class. I miss Kyle; sometimes it hurts so much I can’t breathe. But this is my English writing class and the pain helps. It brings Dark front and center. She spews her venom, spreading her evil, and Sanity rides in on her freaking white unicorn and turns the poison into art. My best poems have been written in this class.
I walk to my row and drop my bag into the empty seat on my left before sitting down in mine.
“Hi, Mia,” Jenna says from the seat next to mine. Her honey blonde hair looks gorgeous in the messy bun she has at the back of her head. Her blue eyes are open and friendly and extra sparkly with that blue sweater she’s wearing. I greet her with a small smile. We used to be friends before I decided I preferred being alone.
I grab my writing pad from my bag along with a pen before turning my attention to the front of the class. Our assignment is written up on the old green board. What does FEAR mean to you??? Five lines only. Leave your papers on my desk. I frown and touch my pen to my empty page. What does fear mean to me? There are so many things I'm afraid of, but I know that's not what Miss Hatwick means. She doesn't want to know what we are afraid of. She wants us to dig deeper than that. I hear the faint slap of boots against tile. THUD, THUD, THUD, my hearts starts racing. I don’t have to look up to know who it is, but I can’t help it, my eyes betray me and find him. Jase is standing a few rows away from me. He’s looking over the rows of people for an open seat. In this class there's plenty. They are also right smack in-between all the college magazine writers. Gossip, sport, social. They are all there, sitting in a neat row. It’s the gossip writers I can’t stand. Annoying damn things that I could easily tolerate, if they only wrote half of the truth instead of all the lies.
Jase looks up at me, and I lift my bag off the empty seat next to me and drop it onto the floor with an audible thud. Jenna gasps next to me, and I look over to her. Her eyes are wide in disbelief. I understand her reaction completely. I'm not even sure why I just did it. No one has ever sat next to me. Even though I never told anybody why this chair is always open, everybody knows it’s because of Kyle. A stupid notion of a deranged chick, trying to keep a piece of her dead twin alive. If anybody dared sitting in it, I’d probably bite their arm off. Or that’s what the rumors say. Sometimes rumors work in my favor. Jase stops in front of me and smiles that wicked smile at me again. A shiver runs through my body causing goosebumps to rise on my skin.
“Thanks,” he says before sitting down.
I don’t say anything; I just stare at my writing pad. Sanity speaks loud and clear in my head, and I write the words down as I hear them:
Sanity
Piercing eyes that look so deep,
Searching that place where all your secrets weep.
Layer by layer, you let your defenses fall,
In his silence you will bare your all.
Should you let him? Should you run?
Your heart made the decision.
It is already done.
Dark
With looks to make your brain fumble,
In his hand, your heart will crumble.
Heed the warni
ng clear in your head.
Love and loss, build regret.
Walk away or pain will follow.
This won't do,
Happiness wasn't meant for you…
I'm lost in a jumble of words. A heavy cloud settles over me. Dark is right, always the voice of reality. If I fall for this guy, I will mess it up. I always lose whatever I care for. I also know that if Dark wins this battle I will be sporting a brand new crimson scar on my wrist. I pull my hoodie sleeve over the fingers holding my pen, suddenly fearful of my weakness being exposed.
Sanity
You let fear dictate your course
It will take away your life by force.
You will never know if you don't let go.
What's there to lose?
You've already tied the noose.
In my mind, Sanity is standing proud holding a shiny golden trophy, and Dark is sitting on the third place podium popping a sulk. I giggle and scribble DS on the bottom of the page before folding it and placing it in my bag. It’s just a bunch of crappy words thrown together right now, but with a bit of mind washing and creative tumble drying it’ll make a fine canvas. I look up at the clock on the wall. Only ten minutes left of class. I tap my pen to the top of the new page, thinking of the correct words to use for my assignment. It doesn’t take long for the words to hit me.
FEAR
MIA ANDREWS
You are not alive. Your heart beats because that is what your brain tells it to do.
Your lungs expand because that is what is required to continue existing.
You are not in control. Terror.
I grab my bag and get up. Jase drops his page on the professor’s desk a few feet ahead of me. I slow down and wait for him to leave the class before going up to the desk.
He wrote down one sentence only:
Fear means not knowing what you are capable of.
What does that mean? I ponder that thought all over the school grounds looking for Tom. I find him at the big outdoor swimming pool selling something that looks way too illegal for close proximity should a teacher or Federal agent show up.
“Mia, what can I do you for?” he drawls, looking me up and down. I drop my change into his hand.
“Smokes,” I say giving him my evil stare.
“Ah sure,” he says before hastily handing me the two cigarettes.
I guess the latest rumors are true then. I'm now officially a witch that can make you suffer impotency just by looking at you. This week should be interesting.
I cross the street from campus to the tattoo parlor on the other side and light a smoke. I plan on making Alec and Livvy coffee and scoring myself a cup without looking like a mooch. The bell on the door jingles as I push through. I take my hoodie off and tousle the red and black strands with my fingers. Livvy is at her usual spot behind the cash register.
“Hi Mia,” she greets me cheerily. Her purple hair bounces up and down as she runs over to me and wraps me in a bear hug. She squeezes hard and fast before letting me go. You wouldn't say she just saw me a couple of hours ago. I guess she's just a happy person. Way too happy for my personal space issues, but oddly enough, nobody in this place rubs me up the wrong way. It’s like we have a secret understanding or bond type of thing.
“I thought I'd stop by and make you lazy bums some coffee,” I say looking around for Alec, but he’s nowhere to be found.
“Thank goodness, because that man is a coffee consuming machine. I must've made him ten cups already,” she says on a smile. It sounds like a complaint, but it sure doesn’t look like one.
“Speaking of Alec, where is he?” I ask, scanning the room once more.
“Oooh, he is in the back, showing these really cute guys around, cousins of cousins or something like that,” she answers all dreamy while staring in the direction of the back room. I laugh at her and follow her to the kitchen. I grab the pot off the counter and fill it at the sink. As I reach up to get the three cups from the shelf, a familiar voice booms down the hall. My stomach sinks. Damn this guy. Is he everywhere? I keep facing the cupboard and put the cups down in front of me.
“Hi baby girl, came for your daily fix I see. The boss hides his choc chip on the top shelf,” Alec says from behind me. It’s information Alec doesn't have to give me. I already know where the cookies are. I take a step to the side and reach for the cookies. I wonder if Jase is with them. Did Livvy say how many guys were in the back with Alec? I can't remember. A long, low whistle comes from behind me.
“That is some fine…” Whatever Lewis was about to say ends in a swoosh of air.
“You will not speak of Mia that way in front of me,” Alec says in a don’t-fuck-with-me voice.
“Mia? Mia!” Lewis booms again, and I'm spun around by the shoulder. My eyes scan the kitchen. Yes, all three of them are here. Jase has his damn hoodie down too. He definitely has a face made for sin. Those green eyes are framed by impossibly long and equally impossibly black lashes. A silver hoop glistens in his right eye brow. My eyes travel down his nose that looks like it might have been broken at some point. It adds to that danger he seems to radiate. My eyes linger a bit too long on his lips, they look so soft with the plumper bottom lip glistening as he runs his tongue over it. He grabs hold of the snake bite in the corner of his lip with his teeth and lets it slide free slowly. In that moment, I'm sure he is the devil sent here to drag me to hell. With him I'd go freely. I force my eyes to move lower to his jaw and the little stubble barely visible there. What would that feel like against my tongue? I shake my head and look down at the floor. Lewis chuckles, takes the pot from me and places it in the machine.
“He shocks and awes. An Angel and a Devil,” he says before smacking me on my ass. I jump from the contact of the light slap and him echoing my thought. Without thinking, I take a swing at him. My fist lands on his chest, and I step forward jabbing my finger in his face.
“This isn't a riot! No smash and grab here, buddy!”
He chuckles and takes a step back. “Feisty little thing. First time I hear her speak and she doesn't make a word of sense. I don't speak unavailable, Mia,” he says while reaching to take three more cups from the shelf. I stare at him open-mouthed. Until I realize Jase is staring at me. I snap my mouth close and start filling up the three cups closest to me before passing the pot to him. I add the milk and sugar to our cups and pass Livvy hers before walking over to Alec in the next room to hand him his cup.
“Thanks, you know these guys, Mia?” Alec asks when he takes the cup.
He sounds surprised. I shrug my shoulders “I don't, I go to school with them. Since today,” I reply sliding into the chair at my station. I haven't actually done a tattoo yet. I won't even practice on myself, I'm that bad. Give me words, but anything graphical, I suck ass. Alec chuckles while looking at Lewis and James.
“These guys don't have an educated cell in their brains,” Alec says.
“Hey, we finished high school didn't we?” James says smiling.
“We couldn't let Jase go in there alone on his first day. New town and all,” Lewis says while he claps Jase on the back.
“What, you guys aren't in my school? You sat through an entire class!” I yell. I’m pissed they ruined my first class of the day.
“Yeah, and we got to meet you,” Lewis says on a sly wink.
I shake my head, down my lukewarm coffee, and grab my bag. My last class starts soon. I say goodbye to Alec and Livvy, telling them I'll see them later, and give a brief nod to the three guys. Jase stands up and walks towards me. I panic and my stupid body freezes. He moves past me and opens the door.
“Come on,” he says, motioning with his head. Oh shit, his voice is hot. It reaches my ears and flows into my bloodstream warming each and every nerve spurring my muscles forward. I swallow hard and walk through the door. I keep my head down, pondering if I should light my next smoke, when I catch a glimpse of the black hoodie next to me. He is so close to me the fabric of his hoodie rubs against mine. THUD, THUD, THUD
, the long dormant organ pumping blood through my veins thuds faster. My heart is getting a workout every time Jase is near.
Jase flicks the hoodie over his head and digs around in his pockets before taking out a cigarette. He has a tiny tattoo on his forefinger. It looks like a word but I can't make out what it says, and as much as I’d like to stare at it until I figure it out, I really don’t want to make a bigger ass out of myself today. I gladly take the lit cigarette he is offering and pull my hoodie over my head before taking a drag. When I pass the cigarette back to him, his fingers brush over the top of my hand. A small jolt runs from my hand to my heart. The little sucker jumps in my chest, swelling to dangerous levels.
I watch Jase until he disappears around the side of the old grey building towards the auto shop classes. Now I’m sitting in my last class for the day, and all I can think of is Jase. Why did he transfer here so late? We only have three weeks left before this year is through. Are Lewis and James his brothers? There is a resemblance, but Lewis has this tangle-your-fingers-and-scream-my-name dirty-blond hair, while James has softer, wavy, light-blond locks. Those two could be brothers, but Jase, with his inky black strands covering his eyes, just doesn't fit. Why did they have to come to school with him on his first day? Jase doesn't look like the kind of guy who needs backup. He surely won't take shit from the jockstrap asses hovering around these halls.
The TA dismisses my computer class with no assignments. One good thing about year’s end is no homework. I sulk a little, knowing I just wasted a full class on questions about Jase. But I doubt I would’ve learned anything we haven’t gone through during the year.
****
“Cousins, Mia. They are my distant cousins. Lewis and James are cousins. Lewis’s dad is Uncle Ray. He owns Ray’s garage downtown. The guys all work there as far as I know. Uncle Ray took James in when his parents could no longer look after him. James has been stuck in Lewis’s shadow ever since. I’ve heard the two of them are inseparable. Something about Lewis always getting into shit. Jase is from out of town. They brought him here yesterday. He is their cousin not mine. Can we quit with the questions now?” Alec says sounding exasperated.