by Tici Pontes
© Copyright 2020 Tici Pontes
Cover: Lídia Rayanne
Layout: Tici Pontes
Translator: Laura Gomes
This is a work of fiction. Its purpose is to entertain people. Names, characters, places and events described are products of the author's imagination. Any resemblance with real names, dates and events is mere coincidence.
All rights reserved. The storage and/or reproduction of any part of this work by any means — tangible or intangible —without the written consent of the author is prohibited.
Created in Brazil
The violation of copyright is a crime established in Law No. 9,610/98 and punished by Article 184 of the Brazilian Penal Code.
Table of Contents
PROLOGUE
CHAPTER 1
CHAPTER 2
CHAPTER 3
CHAPTER 4
CHAPTER 5
CHAPTER 6
CHAPTER 7
CHAPTER 8
CHAPTER 9
CHAPTER 10
CHAPTER 11
CHAPTER 12
CHAPTER 13
CHAPTER 14
CHAPTER 15
CHAPTER 16
CHAPTER 17
CHAPTER 18
CHAPTER 19
CHAPTER 20
CHAPTER 21
CHAPTER 22
CHAPTER 23
CHAPTER 24
CHAPTER 25
CHAPTER 26
CHAPTER 27
EPILOGUE
ACKNOWLEDGE
REDOME
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Dried my face with fury, trying to dry the tears that kept falling from my eyes.
I looked at my mother who was standing next to me and she gave me a smile full of complicity. She was beside me. Giving me the strength to complete what I had started.
Things happened so quickly and intensely that it changed forever the way I saw life.
Unforgettable: the right word to sum up all that I had experienced so far.
All the events that had happened till now had taken me there.
To that moment.
I had to do that. I had to succeed.
For him.
As soon as I set foot in the hospital, the memories came to light and emotion took over every cell in my body. I was really going to make that donation.
My heart was racing, my hands were sweating and a squeeze formed in the middle of my chest, but no, it wasn't fear that I felt, because I knew it would be a painless procedure.
It was something more... profound.
It was...
The feelings were so conflicted that I couldn't put them into words. I think only people who go through a similar situation know what I'm talking about.
All I know is that the image of his face wouldn't leave my mind, I couldn't stop thinking about him.
All my thoughts were interrupted when they entered the room where I was. My mother held my hand tight and whispered in my ear:
“I'm proud of you.”
With my face still swollen and my eyes reddened from the tears, I let myself go.
I would make my first bone marrow donation.
Everything would be done inside the surgical center, I would be anesthetized and in less than two hours my marrow would have been removed, ready for donation.
And so, I went.
A single thought in my mind as I walked the white, lit corridors.
It was because of you.
It was for you.
It's all for you.
“Alice, get out of this room and go help your mother with the moving stuff,” shouted my father.
He was standing at the entrance of the room, looking irritated and already out of patience.
There goes another round of arguing, discussions and the same result as always: the change.
Dad had passed a city hall contest in a city in the interior of the state and so we were moving.
The news was thrown like an atomic bomb in my life devastating all the plans I had made after school ended.
“I can't believe it! I don't believe it!” I was in my room when I heard my father scream.
I got up scared that some tragedy had happened, but when I got to the office he had set up at home, I saw him sitting in front of his desktop looking at something on his notebook screen.
“What was it?” I asked scared. “Did they clone your card? What happened?” I got alarmed.
“The contest” he answered euphoric, still not taking his eyes off the computer. “I-I... I passed the contest.” Dad finally took his eyes off the screen and looked at me. The smile was printed on his face and I could see tears of happiness in his eyes.
Dad was an bookkeeper and worked for a company as a hired worker and everything, but he also did some work as a freelancer in his spare time. He did not earn too little, but he also did not earn enough to support the house on his own. That's when my mother came in.
She was a nurse and had two jobs. She ran from one hospital to another and when she was at home, her time was divided between paying attention to my two-year-old brother and her bed.
She was tired, sleepy and her inseparable companions were her dark circles that accompanied her in all events.
Well, the events she could attend, of course.
Most of the time she could never attend birthdays, family reunions, shopping trips, movie theaters, and even fun activities like taking my brother to play in the playground.
That's why Daddy started studying for public exams. He wanted to earn enough so that my mother wouldn't have to work so hard. We didn't live in luxury, but I was studying in a private school that wasn't very cheap and the day care that my brother needed to stay was expensive, even more than my school fees.
Since Mum had discovered the pregnancy, which was accidental, once my brother was born holding in his hand the IUD that Mum used, Dad had become more worried about the situation of the family. In fact, he always worried, but with a baby in the equation things intensified.
That's why I understood when Dad was simply ecstatic with the news he had passed in the exam. It was years of dedication and study.
I ran towards him and hugged him tight.
“I knew that one day this would happen” I congratulated him with joy. “Congratulations, Daddy. But... which exam did you pass to? There are so many of them.”
“The one for the Internal Revenue Service auditor” he answered, walking aside and wiping the tears that couldn't be contained. “Do you have any idea of the salary? It's mine and your mother's two together, maybe even more.” I could see the emotion in his words. “I wish your mother was here so I could share it with her too. But... since she's not. Come here for another hug.”
Daddy pulled me by the arm and wrapped me in another hug.
I was infected by his happiness and squeezed him tight.
“Congratulations again, Daddy! Congrats a thousand times.” I spoke with joy. “When will you take over? Wow... auditor... how fancy, huh?!”
“Well...” He step back and sit back in front of the computer.” The summons and the whole process will come out until possession, but that doesn't matter. Until then, I think it'll be long enough for us to prepare the move and...
“Move?” I interrupted him. I don't think I heard it right. Dad said... move?
“The job is not here, hun” he said it with simplicity as if it were the most normal thing in the world.
And that's when I went from being the role model/intelligent daughter to becoming the Alice that I am today.
Ever since my parents told us we were moving, I spent most of my time locked in my bedroom mulling over the anger that grew every time I thought about leaving everything.
I watched my father standing a
t the threshold of the door, closed expression and face of few friends. The truth was that I wasn't helping at all in this process of transition from one city to another.
Should I be happy for my family?
Of course I should be happy for my family.
The salary was much higher, he would have more free hours to spend with us and our quality of life would improve considerably, mom wouldn't have to kill herself in two jobs, but the only thing that came to mind was: I would live in the countryside.
IN THE COUNTRYSIDE.
“I'm already eighteen years old, Daddy.” I cried once more, straightening the glasses that stubbornly slipped down my nose and making a pout, however he no longer let himself be influenced by my wet dog expression since I was about five years old. “Let me stay here, please. I don't want to get stuck in a countryside town. I'm sure there' s only woods there.” I tried to argue for the thousandth time.
Daddy started waving his head around, the already impatient expression on his face.
“Alice” he took a deep breath and I knew that when he did that it was because he was trying to control his tone of voice “it won't be the first time we've talked about it, but for God's sake, I guarantee it will be the last. Your mother and I have spoken exhaustively to you that our family is not going to be apart at this time of change. Is that clear?”
“No, it's not” I fought back.
“You just said you're eighteen, but you're behaving like a thirteen-year-old. One more reason not to leave you with your aunts here in Fortaleza... and that's it” he spoke a louder tone of voice than usual. “I've lost my temper with you! Again!”
Impatience was already part of his routine these last days before the moving.
First because he had to prepare everything so that we could settle in the new house, that included coming and going from here to the city where we were going to live, which made him stressed due to so many hours on the road.
Second, I, the eldest daughter, complained every five minutes about the move.
And yes.
I did it on purpose.
I spent my whole life in the state capital, used to the busy city life and when I finally reached the age of majority, I would have to live in a country town.
If I no longer had peace after finding out I was leaving civilization, I wouldn't allow my parents to either.
Immature?
A little, but I didn't care.
“I will not leave my daughter alone in the big city, Alice” he continued to talk, even though the conversation had already ended. “You're not even in college yet.”
“But...
“No more, no less” he interrupted me. “When... and... IF you ever go to college, I might think about letting you live with some of your aunts, but alone?” He nodded his head back and forth. “Never!” Pointed his index finger at me. “Not while you're financially dependent of me.” He ended up flapping his palm in your pocket.”
“And why don't you let me live with Aunt Lu?” I rebelled again. “Or Aunt Margaret?” I asked for the thousandth time.
“Because it doesn't work that way, child” he said, rolling his eyes and throwing his hands up. “I told you. When you're in college it's another story, but for now you're going with us and that's final,” he decreed, looking at me with a harsh expression.
“I hate my life.” I grumbled, angry, not knowing what else to say to convince Dad to change his mind.
“You don't hate anything” Dad scorned.
“And my friends?” I asked, trying to hold back the tears that had formed.
“You talk as if we lived in the last century, Alice,” he replied. “Facebook, Instagram, telegram”. He listed the social networks, counting on his fingers. “Even me, who's almost fifty years old, I'm into the wonders of the 21st century” Daddy was sarcastic.
I crossed my arms defeated, without the courage to fight back and with an uncontrollable will to cry.
Such hatred I was feeling.
I didn't want to go, but there I was.
Feeling like a typical American movie teenager leaving the capital for an country city.
No walks on the Beira-Mar, walking with friends all the way to Crush Beach, where I gave my first kiss on Rafa.
Rafa!
How could I leave him?
Of course, even in my dreams, I couldn't tell my father that one of the reasons I didn't want to leave the city was Rafa, but...
Ah, damn it!
We were finally getting to know each other and I was starting to like him.
When we sat on the sand of Iracema Beach, holding hands, drinking coconut water and watching the movement was one of the best days of my life.
Families walking their dogs, people crossfiting on the sand — a mood I never had — children and teenagers trying to rollerblade on the sidewalk, but taking homeric tumbles that made our tummies hurt from laughing.
And Rafa.
All this I would abandon.
And for what?
To get myself into a country town.
To live in the middle of nowhere!
Okay, bullshit.
The town I was gonna move to despite being small wasn't in the middle of nowhere, but who cares?
“I just want to keep my life here in Fortaleza, is that too much to ask?”
“Yes, it is! Especially when I have a family to support and I finally got a chance to give you all a better life. Will I get more? Yes, I am, Alice, but do you have any idea of the cost of a change? I can't afford it when it comes to supporting you in the capital. Or do you think I'd leave the expenses on your aunts' backs?” He said pointing to me. “Your mother won't work two jobs anymore to help with the bills, she'll be able to spend more time with you, have you ever stopped to think about it? Or are you just thinking about your own shadow?”
Low blow using that, I thought.
Yeah, I'd already stopped to think about all that, but I couldn't help but think about having to leave everything.
Our financial situation wasn't bad, but at the cost of a lot of sweat from both my father and mother.
She barely stopped home, always running from one hospital to the next — I think I have already mentioned that — and after Miguel's birth she became more exhausted, because besides the double work day she still had to pay attention to a two-year-old baby.
She lived full of dark circles, exhaustion and much, much indisposition.
The money that Dad would earn would supply my mother's two salaries, she would finally quit her jobs and get some rest, enjoying more the family. Not that it was her intention. Mama loved her job and she already said she'd just take a vacation from work. But soon she would get at least one job, so she wouldn't leave patient care aside, something she loved to do.
I'd thought of all that... But like I said, I wasn't demanding that Daddy abandon everything to stay here. I just wanted to stay. That's all.
To leave the capital of the state of Ceará for a city in the interior of the Brazilian Northeast was something unimaginable to me.
In a warmth of hell.
A wretched dryness.
And in the middle of nowhere.
“I'm not asking everyone to stay, I just don't want to go.” The conversation was already getting repetitive, but I needed to argue until the last minute. “Let me stay, please.” I begged with both hands together and making a crying face.
“Alice...” Daddy approached me, which for a brief moment gave me a little hope. “I already said we wouldn't argue about it anymore. Now...” He sat on the bed and gave me that look of a guy who's just a few feet away from losing his temper... if he hadn't already lost it. “Get out of this bedroom right now and go help your mother with the move,” he shouted pointing to the door.
I definitely hate my life.
Three days later, there I was in the car, sulking and refusing to exchange any words with my parents.
I had cried, cursed, threatened to run away from home, but when my mother said she'd help car
ry my luggage when I ran away I really saw that I had no more escape.
I would be cut off from the world.
From civilization.
From human contact.
Yes.
I was a slightly dramatic person.
But of course! I was being taken away from all the things that made me happy. How should I react otherwise? I felt completely incomplete.
Completely incomplete?
Would that be a paradox?
Ah, fuck! I just know I hated the situation I was in. And nobody can blame me for that.
If only they'd give me a vote of confidence.
But I knew there was no point in insisting on staying in Fortaleza, it was already a lost war. My parents were irreducible.
So I decided to focus on what my father had promised me. That if I passed the exams I would return to Fortaleza, to one of my aunts' houses, but that was already something, no?
The only thing that made me discouraged was to face a year of studies to do the ENEM and try to get into college. I was going to give up the face-to-face classes, because I decided to take a online class.
It was more practical, I could organize my schedule at ease and I wouldn't have to leave every day from home to go to class. It would work, I was sure that by the end of the year I would be approved in college.
The college?
I didn't care much, I just wanted to go back to my hometown.
During the year I would take some vocational test, if it still existed, or else I would try to find something that would get my attention, but I was sure of one thing: I would go to college next year, even if it was for Chemical Engineering — yes, I looked at the lower grade of ENEM from Federal of Ceará — so, as much as I hated chemistry, I would get into this crap.
So, even if I had to pass the easiest course, one of the most hated classes, I was willing to go to college, all so I could go back to Fortaleza.
I may sound shallow, but the reality is... well...
I was.
Not shallow in the sense of hating studies or anything like that. I was passionate about books, I liked studying — not chemistry, I said I don't like chemistry? — Anyway... I was shallow in the sense that I liked to enjoy life.
I liked the internet, hanging out with friends, partying. We only live once, so I wanted to make the most of it, until at least the responsibilities of adult life arrived. I wasn't a bat shit crazy person, you know? I just wanted to make out more. I got good grades, I was studious, so nothing more fair than to be rewarded with friends and parties.