by Tici Pontes
There I was.
Distressed, desperate to know what the hell was going on with Leonardo and he just laughed at me?
“You've been reading too much romance, Alice,” he replied amidst the laughter. “I'm sorry, but... Nicholas Sparks? Did I get it right?”
“Don't play games with me, Leonardo. You're making me nervous.” My patience was running out already.
“No.” This time he got serious. “I don't have cancer and I won't die... at least I hope not,” he answered by staring me in the eye. He then stared at his own feet and took a heavy sigh. “Maria wasn't wrong when she told you I have anemia... it's just... it's not a common anemia.”
I swallowed dry without knowing whether or not I was ready to hear what he had to say to me. His words came out serious and heavy. I waited for him to keep talking, but not a word came out of his mouth.
He was hesitating again.
“Leo, what kind of anemia is it?” Part of me was relieved it wasn't cancer, but part of me was distressed that I didn't know what it was.
He looked up and stared at me. I noticed a certain tension in that pair of dark eyes.
“Aplastic anemia,” he finally revealed in one breath, as if he was getting rid of the weight of those words.
“What the hell is apathetic anemia, Leonardo?” The words leapt out of my mouth harder than I intended.
I was apprehensive, distressed, not knowing what to think.
What the hell is apathetic anemia?
“It's not apathetic, it's aplastic,” he answered laughing as he shook his head. And the fact that he was laughing at me was annoying me a bit. “You look beautiful when you freak out, you know that?”
Beautiful when you freak out.
What?
He had said that I was... beautiful?
Oh, my God, I'm gonna freak out!
“Nonnononnono...” I spoke wagging my index finger from side to side in his direction. “Don't distract me. Don't make me more nervous than I already am.” I put my body back on the couch. “Tell me what you have, please.”
The expectation of finally knowing the whole truth made my whole body shake. My hands were sweating, my mouth was dry and I could feel my heart beating inside my chest at an accelerated rate.
“I told you.” He got serious and settled down on the couch to face me. “Aplastic anemia,” he repeated the name of the disease. “I'll sum it up for you... My marrow is a piece of shit,” he spoke in a low voice and a bitter smile on his lips.
“What do you mean your marrow is a piece of shit?” I wasn't just going to be satisfied with that. I needed more information. Details. I was already impatient with so many doubts about what the hell apathetic anemia was.
Aplastic, my brain corrected.
“For some reason, which no one knows exactly, it just stopped working properly,” Leo went on, shoulders dropped and countenance defeated. “It can't produce enough cell for the blood, immune system, platelet, blah-blah-blah,” he explained, averting my gaze and I could see the frustration behind those words.
“And... what causes that?” I murmured trembling. It wasn't enough for me yet. I needed to know more.
“In my case...” He shrugged. “Nobody knows.” He sighed. “They call it idiopathic aplastic anemia.” I could feel the bitterness behind Leo's words. Like he was angry.
“Idiot what?”
“Idiopathic,” he repeated with half a smile.
“And what idiopathic does mean?”Those medical terms made me dizzy.
“Idiopathic is a pretty name to say they have no idea where my illness came from,” he concluded.
I confess I wasn't assimilating very well what he was telling me. I was feeling a mixture of worry, fear and compassion. I didn't know what to say to Leonardo at the same time that I wanted to ask him a thousand things, but I was afraid to seem too curious.
“How... how did you find out, Leo?” I asked quietly.
I'd start with the simplest questions.
“I started to get purple spots all over my body, nosebleeds, gums...” he started to explain. “My mother took me to the doctor and all it took was a blood test to see that something was wrong with me. More specialized tests found out what the doctors were suspicious of. My bone marrow doesn't work the way it should, Alice.” His voice came out weak. “My health sucks. I have anemia, therefore my blood does not carry oxygen satisfactorily, therefore my physical disposition is shit. So every once in a while I need to get blood to normalise some rates.” - He sighed sorely. “Yes... the only difference between vampire Edward and me is that I don't glow.”
I hate that book, I thought, but I didn't say anything because I didn't want to interrupt it. I kept quiet waiting for him to keep talking.
“If that were the only problem, I would be in the profit,” he continued apathetically. “Apart from the blood cell, my body doesn't produce the right amount of defense cell, which means that my immunity is shit. Any flu and...” His voice wavered and I noticed when his body shook. “There are times when all levels of blood and defense cells are normal, but sometimes I need to be extra careful.”
“So thats why the mask?” I asked him pointing to his face and he nodded yes. “But you don't wear it all the time,” I observed.
“There are good times and bad times...” He was silent for a few seconds. I just watched him, watching his behavior. When he realized I was evaluating him, Leo was a little disconcerted and cleared his throat to then continue talking: “They had to give me blood in Fortaleza and it's rainy season, so the viruses are out there. I need to be more careful. That makes me extremely angry.” Your voice sounded distressed. “When it's the season of virus, my mother wants to forbid me to even come here, can you believe it?”
“You can't risk it, Leo.”
“And I'm gonna live my whole life in isolation, Alice?” increased the tone of voice a little, dismayed. “I'm already deprived of so many things and coming here is a kind of therapy. I might as well read at home, but my mother's concern sometimes suffocates me. At first I came here to run away from her, but then...” Leonardo turned his gaze on me and my body warmed up. “Then you showed up and... - He took the mask off his face and smiled.”
I held my breath and was completely hypnotized by that look. He averted his eyes to my lips and then he faced me again.
I unconsciously passed my tongue through my lips which made him swallow dry.
“I just wish I could...” Leonardo stretched out his hand and touched my face, rubbing my cheek with his thumb, passing his finger across my lips.
“Leo,” I whispered and approached my face to his hand.
It was then that I felt his body tense and his touch cease. He leaned back on the couch and closed his eyes, put his two hands on his head and took a deep breath and then released the air with force.
“I cannot do that to you, Alice.” His voice was low, but firm.
“Do what, Leo?” I looked at him with an expression of doubt, not knowing what he wanted with that.
“This!” He pointed at himself and then at me. “It's not fair to you... it's not fair to me.”
He stood up, stared at me for the last time, then turned away from me.
“Where are you going?” I asked in distress.
He stopped and, with his back to me, he said:
“I'm sorry again if I made you worry.” The voice was serious. “I just got back from my trip and I need some rest.”
I opened my mouth to answer, but Leonardo was already walking towards the library exit. The sound of the footsteps hitting the wooden floor was getting farther and farther away and soon he disappeared behind the entrance door.
My eyes were wide open, the expression of extreme surprise and the words I was about to say still stuck in my half-open mouth.
He had run away from me.
What was I doing?
I couldn't do that to myself.
I couldn't do that to her.
I left the library practically ru
nning, but soon the exhaustion consumed me and I was already panting and with my eyesight a bit dark. I leaned on one of my hands on a nearby wall and put my other hand on my chest, feeling my heart beat in my chest, about to come out through my mouth.
Little by little I calmed down, controlling my breathing and when I felt safe enough to walk without falling I left. This time, however, I would respect my limit.
Walking slowly, my mind was visiting the events that took place little by little in the library, the remorse threatening to consume me again.
I wished to turn around and act differently. To take Alice's lips in a kiss and confess that I was attracted to her. That I wanted her by my side. But it wasn't easy.
When Alice reacted that way because I stayed in Fortaleza for a week, I felt extremely guilty, because I was responsible for her concern, but from the bottom of my heart, I never imagined that she would be so affected.
Or was I just fooling myself?
We were just friends.
Or were we not?
Her reaction to my touch showed that the attraction that existed wasn't just from me.
Holy shit! She... she likes me! I noticed, a mixture of joy and despair sprouting in my chest.
I could see that Alice was reacting to me. That she also wanted to be with me and that she would surrender to my kiss if I had come a little closer.
How could I have been so blind?
I closed my eyes and the image of her half-open mouth came to my mind. The red lips, the half-closed eyes, an invitation to a kiss.
By God, how I wish I could take her lips on a kiss.
But it was impossible.
I couldn't be so irresponsible. I couldn't drag Alice into the uncertainty that was my life.
I had a chronic health problem, I didn't know what my future would be like and I couldn't just put Alice in it without knowing if there was a tomorrow for both of us.
I was already surrounded by so many doubts, so many fears. It wasn't fair to carry her with me on this one.
Sometimes liking someone is more than needing the person next to you, sometimes it means letting go, letting free. Love is not always altruistic, but true love is capable of letting oneself suffer for the happiness and success of the other.
And that is how I felt.
I had to create the strength to keep her away from me.
And that's what I did when I left her in the library.
It may have been an immature, childish and even cowardly attitude, but I just didn't have the courage to tell her that it was impossible something to happen between the two of us.
What about friendship?
It was more than clear that there was something much stronger than friendship. And I was not a man to resist my own urges.
If I didn't keep Alice away from me, I wouldn't be able to keep her distant from me.
I came home and went straight to my room. I needed to cool my head, put my ideas in order and decide what would be done from there.
A bath would be a good start.
With cold water, preferably.
Under the shower, emotions came to the surface, anger standing out among all the others. It wasn't fair what was happening to me and for the first time in a long time, since the diagnosis, I weakened.
During those two years that I learned to live with my disease I always remained strong, positive, hopeful that I could overcome it and that either I would achieve a cure through a transplant or that the disease would stop and I would no longer need such frequent interventions.
I was always so sure that one of these two options would happen that I never wavered in my confidence, but for the first time I was really afraid that I would not succeed.
What if...
Those two words that seemed so simple carried a thunderous weight and an unimaginable emotional burden. It brought the insecurity of the tomorrow with it.
What if I didn't make it?
Thick tears began to flow down my face, mixing with the water in the shower. A previously non-existent anguish had taken hold of my chest, stomach and seemed to tear my guts out.
What was I thinking when I thought Alice and I might have something?
At the same time I thought, Why not? Why deprive me of living like everyone else? Did I not deserve to be happy either? At least try?
Coming out of the bathroom box I started to look at my reflection in the mirror. My eyes still reddened from the tears I shed. My face pale, indicating to anyone who wanted to see that I was not normal. That there was something wrong with me.
Alice herself became suspicious when she met me, she herself confessed that to me in one of our conversations. But still...
Why not try?
You're not like other young people, Leonardo, you can't just take an interest in someone and make an effort. There's a whole life history you need to take into consideration.
My rational mind always warned me that I had gone too far when I thought I could lead a normal life. That like other boys of my age, I could flirt with a girl, ask her out, exchange kisses, caresses, and live as a young couple.
I cursed myself for daring to think that I could have Alice by my side. It wasn't fair to her.
I couldn't do that.
I just wanted to forget that day.
I just wanted to forget my illness.
I just wanted to... I released the air that I held in my chest in a violent way, the feeling that set my chest on fire refusing to leave.
For God's sake... I just wanted to have Alice for myself.
And again he had stopped giving news.
He'd ignored my calls again and wouldn't answer my texts.
I was trying to understand why he was acting this way.
I knew Leo was struggling with his feelings, but what was the reason? I still needed to find out. But before that I needed to understand a little more about his illness, because I knew that whatever the reason, his health problem was directly involved.
“Aren't you going to the library today, honey?” My mother asked when I finished breakfast. “You're still in your pajamas.”
“I'm doing some research on the internet today, Mom.” I gave her some excuse because I didn't want to give her too many explanations so she wouldn't start asking too much.
Of course my parents knew that Leonardo was my friend, but I hadn't told anyone about the feelings I cultivated for him, much less about his health problem. Although I had just found out, I had not even had time to process everything yet.
I helped my mother to wash the dishes and soon ran to my room turning on the notebook that showed on the protective screen a picture of me sitting in the sand of Iracema Beach, admiring the sunset.
It's even funny how things work. A little over a month ago I was moving to Mar de Areia, not imagining a life here and much less imagining that maybe I would end up falling in love with a guy from this city.
And now, here I was. Desperately searching for information that would help me understand better the illness of a person who had become someone beyond special in my life.
I needed answers.
As soon as the navigator opened, my fingers skillfully typed in what I needed to know about Leo's problem.
What is aplastic anemia?
Thousands of sites appeared containing explanations from the simplest to the most complex. Each site that caught my attention I opened and read, carefully, what was being described. Little by little I understood what that disease was and what it caused. At each word I read, my air seemed to be missing and it was as if I myself was being diagnosed.
Aplastic anaemia is an autoimmune disease, which can have idiopathic causes where the main symptoms are pallor, purple marks for no reason, prolonged bleeding and susceptibility to infections. If not treated properly it can lead to death.
Death.
My heart was missing a beat.
A feeling of anguish took over me completely. The words that were read by me were making me stunned. Several thoughts, each one dar
ker than the other were boiling in my brain. I began to become afraid.
I closed the navigator furiously, refusing to accept what I was reading.
The vision became blurred by the tears that were forming and I started to cry.
Leonardo was not even twenty years old, he was young, he simply could not have a fatal illness.
Impossible.
Or not?
I tried to reject that thought and forced myself to calm down. I dried up the tears that were still wetting my cheeks and opened the navigator again, doing another search on my computer.
What is the treatment for aplastic anemia?
I typed back on the search site hoping that the treatment would be something simple, although I figured it wasn't.
Each letter was pressed so hard that I could see the time the keyboard sinking or one of the keys flying out.
When Leo was explaining to me about the disease at no point did he mention a cure and it left me with little hope that it was something to achieve.
The treatment could follow two lines. Use of immunosuppressants or bone marrow transplant. Only 25% of patients are able to perform the transplant, which turns the disease into something potentially serious with a high mortality rate.
The weight of the world seemed to have fallen on my back with every line I read. My heart began to squeeze and without realizing it my eyes filled with tears. Once again, I was crying.
High mortality rate. Those words jumped out at me and I couldn't concentrate on anything but what was written there.
It couldn't be.
When there was finally a reason why I wanted to stay in that city, I had discovered that this reason had a serious illness that could kill him.
Life was really a joke.
Wiping the tears that fell on my face with voraciousness, I started to search all possible sites for information about treatments and cures and everywhere I found the same answer: high mortality rate.
I was feeling weak. As if all that information had sucked all the energy from my body.
I fell to my knees and then surrendered to crying.