My tongue meets his, my breathing matches the uneven note of his, my heartbeat races as his does. He tastes of beer and coffee, of want and lust as I explore his mouth as I let his groan seep through me. His chest is hard against mine, his erection firm against my stomach, his fingers entangled in my hair and I want more.
He suddenly pulls his mouth away, rests his forehead against mine and all I can see is those dark, stormy eyes. “Tell me, I need to know.” He’s panting and I’m trembling, but he’s stopped. And I can’t ignore him.
“You said Anna’s baby was better off dead.” I’m whispering but I know each word is clear.
“I didn’t mean—”
“Ssh.”
He stops, waits.
“I’m adopted, Dane. I was one of those unwanted babies that would have been better off dead, except I didn’t die I was just given away like some unwanted present.” He doesn’t say anything. Just looks at me. “I’ve never been quite good enough for anyone to keep.”
Then he straightens slightly and pulls me hard against his chest, his arms wrapped round me like he’s never going to let go.
Chapter Eleven
“I’m a stupid twat aren’t I?” I couldn’t have commented if I’d wanted to, it was hard enough breathing. “You’re good enough for anyone, too good for me.” He sighed and I wriggled a bit, just to get some air.
“No-one can be too good.”
“They can, believe me girl, they can.” His hard chin rested on the top of my head so that his deep voice reverberated through me. “When Sal went I felt the biggest waste of space on the planet. I couldn’t give her the one thing she wanted most, you know how that feels?”
I shake my head as much as I can, which isn’t much.
“When I married her I wanted to give her everything, just like my Dad had for my Mum. I worked my ass off to keep her happy, but it wasn’t enough. It’s a total waste of time us getting involved, even though I can’t seem to keep my hands off you.” His grip tightened again. “I was so fucking wound up when I saw you with that guy I just wanted to come over and ask you how you did that, walk out on me one day and straight to someone else.”
“I didn’t.”
“I know.”
Even though it seemed wrong I could feel a grin tugging at my mouth and he sensed it, probably because of the bear hug. “What’s tickled you?” His tone was dry, but not cross.
“I was just thinking,” I could stop now and not say it, or “I’ve got you thinking you’re shooting blanks, and Charlie who wishes he was.”
“Very funny. But I don’t think, I know.”
“It’s not all about babies, not everyone wants them you know. I don’t.”
“Saying that doesn’t really help, but thanks. I think.”
“No, I mean it. I never want kids.”
“You can’t know that.”
“I do. I don’t ever want to put someone through what I’ve had, I was given away, Dane and what if I turn out just like my real mum? What if I have a baby and then decide I don’t want it?”
“Well.” He paused. “Number one you don’t know why she gave you up, do you?”
“Well no, but—”
“What if she was ill? Or poor, or incapable?”
“Thanks, that really helps. I have incapable genes. Are there other numbers?”
“Number two you might just suddenly get broody. Number three, your mother choose you, she wanted you.”
“It doesn’t always feel that way.”
“It never does.” He gave a short laugh. “I’m sure my mum would have given me away umpteen times if she could have.”
“But she’s moving abroad. The holiday was all about them finding a place out there. She’s leaving me.” Even as I said the words I knew they sounded pathetic. In my head they had sounded okay—but now I realized I sounded like a spoilt kid who didn’t want to share her toys.
He brushed the top of my head with his lips. “You’re grown up, Holly She’s got a life too, you know.” I knew, but I just felt all alone sometimes, like I never really belonged anywhere, or with anyone.
“And there’s James.”
“And James is just a stupid git, I could tell that from the other side of the bar.”
“Shame I missed the signs then.”
“Holly?” He’d eased the vice-like grip so I edged back a bit and looked up. “Yesterday, I didn’t realize why you were upset, I—”
“Why should you? But …” It still didn’t alter what he’d said.
“I would never wish anyone dead.” His hands were on my waist, warm, possessive and I wanted to believe in him. I really did. “I was just trying to push you away, I thought you were upset because you agreed with Sally, that love and babies and everything went together and you were upset about that. I can’t give you that Holly, I can’t give anyone that.”
“I know.”
“I don’t want you to go.”
“I don’t want to go.” I stand on tiptoe and kiss him on the nose, the lips, then do it again, the lips bit that is. Then I wind my fingers into the thick dark hair that I love so much and pull him close. And this time he does take control. This time he kisses me back with a force that takes my breath away. He pulls me tight against him, eases my thighs apart with his leg so that I can feel his hard cock pressed against me.
His mouth is on my neck, sucking and teasing its way down and sending sharp tugs of need straight down to my pussy. We’re edging back, into a room until I feel something hard against the back of my legs. He grins. “Kitchen table.” And I laugh as he picks me up and tips me back onto the hard polished wood, wrap my legs around his to pull him close as he unzips his flies. His hard cock pops out, big and ready with a pearl of pre-come glistening on the top. My knickers are sopping and he pushes them to one side, dips one finger deep inside me rubbing my clit with his thumb. “No.” I want him inside me, now, and I tighten the grip of my legs around him to pull him closer. He doesn’t move, just grins as I shoot along the polished top of the table. Either way I’m closer to what I want.
“Greedy girl.” Then he nudges against my slit, takes hold of my hips and it doesn’t matter if it’s me or him that is moving as he slips deep inside. I clutch at his hands, grab the table because he’s pounding so deep. His face is tightening as I moan, each slam of his pelvis against mine taking me closer to the orgasm I’ve been waiting for. “Now, now please.” I lift my legs up higher, open my hips wider willing him deeper and then it starts. The deep down tremble, and I’m panting and he is too, his fingers digging into my hips and all I can see is the deep dark depths of his eyes as I come, and with one more hard jerk he’s coming too.
I’m still seeing stars when he offers me his hand and pulls me upright. “This is the kitchen.”
“You’re not very good at showing people round are you?” I straighten my skirt.
“I thought I was doing okay actually.” His arm fits just nicely around me as he pulls me through to the lounge. He pulls me round to face him. “What am I going to do about you?”
“Maybe we should suck it and see?”
His eyebrows shoot up.
“Now you are being rude.” I wave a finger at him and try and keep a straight face. “I just mean see how it goes.”
His little cottage is nice. I can see myself sat in front of the fire, although it’s a bit distracting having Dane there, because I keep imagining him sat beside me. Which isn’t the idea at all.
“I bought the place when I first moved here and I worked alongside my uncle who was the blacksmith, then when he died he left me the forge and old cottage and it made sense to move in there and rent this place out.” It would be funny living in Dane’s place, but it didn’t stop me liking it, or feeling like I’d come home.
We finished the guided tour, me studiously avoiding his eye when we got to the bedroom.
“I love it.” I gave him a peck on the cheek. “I want it.”
“You’re like an excited little girl
.” He gives me a kiss that is slightly more than a peck.
“I suppose I should get back and break the news to Charlie, something tells me he’ll be pleased to see the back of me.”
“Really?” His tone is dry.
“Really.” I give him a little punch on the arm. If I didn’t know him better I’d suspect a hint of possession there. “Anna has been there for ages.” I check my watch. “Hours, so something tells me they’ve kissed and made up.”
“Made up being the key words.”
“You really are so rude, not everyone is like you.”
“Most men are.” He pulls me slightly tighter to him and kisses me again, this time properly, with tongues. “Do you mind? About Anna I mean?”
“No.” I don’t. “I’m pleased for him. Me and Charlie were just about having a bit of fun.” And we were, and it had been fun, as prescribed by Sophie. Except not with the right person.
“What’s up? You’re frowning.” I sometimes think my life would be easier if every time I stopped to think I didn’t end up frowning or smiling, or having some other expression on my face.
“I’m worried about Soph.”
“So am I. I text her earlier and she told me to fuck off.”
“Did she?”
“Well as good as. I think she needs a bit of time to think.” It surprised me that he’d text her. It seemed that there was still a lot I didn’t know about the people I called my friends. “She’ll sort it. Come on, let’s go and disturb the lovebirds.”
“Dane?” There was one more thing I wanted to ask him. “You know the other day?” I didn’t need to say which other day, he looked wary. “Why did you just leave me and Charlie, why did you go?”
“I needed some air.” He kissed the tip of my nose and I knew what he meant. Air, space, time to think.
***
“Where did you find him?” Charlie was lounged in his favorite chair, looking slightly smug.
“I was house hunting.”
“Oh? You don’t need to move out you know.”
“I want to, Charlie. I love being here with you, but I think it’s time, don’t you?” I sat down on the arm of the chair next to him and he put his hand on my thigh. It was a nice warm affectionate touch that didn’t send even the slightest flicker of a tingle anywhere. “Where’s Anna? How did it go?”
“Anna has gone to see her folks and it went fine, good.”
“So, is she going to be hanging around?”
“I think so.”
“I sometimes wish men talked more.”
He laughed at my frustration and pulled me down on to his lap. “I’m not sure she wants to share me though.”
I grin and give him a hug. “Good. It was fun, but time to move on.”
“Or back.” Dane finally chipped in, but he didn’t sound judgmental.
“Don’t tell me you’re moving in with that idiot?” Charlie was laid-back, and Charlie had another more important woman in his life but I could hear that slight edge to his voice that meant he wasn’t entirely joking.
“Not quite. I’m going to rent his cottage. Well. I didn’t know it was his cottage when I went to see it.” He raised an eyebrow, which made me think I’d missed something, but there again everybody else apart from me would know about Dane’s cottage, wouldn’t they?
The knock on the door stops the line of questioning, and because the boys are crap at answering it I go myself.
It’s Sophie. She glances round and I know she’s spotted the estate agents leaflet. “Did I miss something?”
“You missed lots, where have you been? You didn’t answer my texts, or —”
“I know, I’m sorry.” She hugged me. “You’re not going back to James though, tell me you’re not.”
“I’m not. Okay?”
“I knew you wouldn’t.”
“No, you didn’t. I only realized myself when I saw him.”
“You’ve seen him, he’s here?”
“He was.” So I tell her about his visit, and about finally knowing that it was over.
“Thank God for that. But what do you mean, you’re moving on? You’re not going Holly? You can’t go, what about Charlie, and Dane?”
“I’m not actually going, well not far. I found this cottage that looked so perfect for me, then I found out it was Dane’s and well –”
“You’re not moving in with Dane?” She looked even more shocked than before.
“No, don’t be daft. His other place, Willow Tree. He offered to give me a hand to move some of my stuff over there, well erm now.”
“So you have made it up with him? You are talking? He told me —”
“Sophie, you seem to know more about what I’m doing than I do. Now are you coming in or what?”
“You and Dane?”
“We’re fine, we’re friends. And Charlie is back talking to Anna, and now we just need to know what you’re up to.” She followed me through to the lounge, looking uncharacteristically sheepish, but she needn’t have worried. She was engulfed first in a Charlie hug and then had her hair ruffled by the slightly more reserved Dane.
“I’m sorry.” She sat down at Charlie’s feet. “I’m really sorry for being such a cow the other day, and for trying to sort all your lives out.”
“It doesn’t matter Soph, we know you’re bossy.”
“It does matter. Dane was right. Look, I went to see my parents.” She took a deep breath, Dane frowned and Charlie ran his fingers through her hair and it was almost like the world had stopped spinning, and I didn’t know why. “I went to see their graves.”
Chapter Twelve
I stared, Sophie knew nearly everything there was to know about me, and I didn’t know a thing about her. I didn’t know her parents were dead, only that she never went to see them. And I knew she had a sister, who had a hamster, and lots of kids. I sat down on the floor next to her and didn’t know what to do. She gave me a small wistful grin. “I should have told you, I know, I’m sorry.”
“No, no you —”
“I should.” She twisted her sweater between her fingers. “Like Dane said, I ran away and blocked it all and pretended none of it had happened. But it did.” She leans in closer against Charlie and her brown eyes look straight into mine. “You know what I remember most about Mum? She would do anything for us, for me and my sis, and for my dad.” She runs her tongue over her lips. “Even when he came home drunk and was throwing things at her she’d be asking if he was alright, if he needed anything. We’d be listening from upstairs to see if things would be okay, but they never were. After a bit he’d get louder and start shouting at her and calling her useless and we’d cover our heads with our pillows and try and block it out. He hit her Holl.” She was looking at me, but I knew she was seeing her mum. “He hit her so hard we could hear it. Then it would go quiet, so quiet that we couldn’t sleep. And in the morning it would be like it never happened, they’d be laughing and joking but she’d hurt. I knew she hurt. He never hit her face, there were never cuts or bruises but as we got older we realized why she winced when we hugged her. I asked her once if we could leave him but she wouldn’t. She said she loved him.” She pulled her knees up to her chest and rested her chin on them. “But I left her Holly, I left her with him when I went away and I shouldn’t have.” I watched the single tear trace a path down her face, but something told me she didn’t want touching, hugging. Not yet. “I left her when I could have taken her with me, and he killed her. He killed her and he killed himself and left some stupid note saying it was a suicide pact. But I’d left her, I’d run away and I never went back.” She glanced at me then and I pulled her close to me. We rocked, and she didn’t cry and wail like I think I would have done. She just gently rocked in my arms. “I could have stopped him.”
“Nobody could have stopped him Sophie.”
“If I had been there—”
“There would have always been a time when you couldn’t be. And if she loved him that much nobody could have made her lea
ve him.” I hug her tighter. “Maybe it really was suicide, because neither of them knew what to do to sort things out.” I don’t know why I said it, because I didn’t know. Nobody could know. But I did know that what you think you are seeing, and what you get, isn’t always the same thing.
“I know. But I ran away which makes me even more irresponsible, doesn’t it?” She wiped her sleeve across her eyes and sat up straighter, giving me a watery smile. “I’ve never stopped to think about what happened you know. It’s not just the running away and leaving Mum thing that bothers me, I just realized the other day that I’ve never faced up to it at all. I’ve just buried myself in doing stuff for you losers.” She smiled. “God knows how you’re going to cope without me.” A hint of the old Sophie was back. “Trying to make the world right doesn’t make anything any better for me does it? Dane was right.” She swiveled round to look at him. “I need to do things for myself, sort myself out. So—” She crossed her legs and pulled herself up straight. “I’ve handed in my notice, well they said they’d give me a year off and I’m going to take some time out and sort out how I feel about all this. None of that talking to therapists type crap.” She gave us a warning look and I laughed.
“What about talking to friends type crap?”
She smiled. “I’ll stay in touch, I promise. I just need to get away, you know? If I’m here I’ll take the easy option out and stick my nose into your affairs instead. Right—”
I could tell by the way she said it that she was just about to stick her nose into everybody else’s affairs, and from the looks on their faces so could the boys.
“We’re going to have the best New Years Eve party we’ve ever had, okay?”
***
“Come on, I want to show you something.” Dane tugs at my hand and I can’t resist, I never could resist him. I glance back, but Sophie and Anna are in deep discussion, and Charlie is watching them, looking the angel I know he isn’t. For a moment I wonder if they would, him and both girls. But then I know he wouldn’t. The smiles he shares with Anna are far different to the cheeky boy ones we get. Even when we were in bed he never gave me the type of look he gives Anna.
Good Enough to Share (Good Enough, Book 1 - Christmas) Page 12