by Blake Nelson
Girl
BLAKE NELSON
A TOUCHSTONE BOOK
Published by Simon & Schuster
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TOUCHSTONE
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This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either products of the
author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons,
living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
Copyright © 1994 by Blake Nelson
All rights reserved, including the right of reproduction in whole or in part in any form.
TOUCHSTONE and colophon are registered trademarks of Simon & Schuster Inc.
Designed by Deirdre C. Amthor
Manufactured in the United States of America
15 17 19 20 18 16 14
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available.
ISBN: 0-671-89707-1
ISBN-13: 978-0-6718-9707-9
eISBN-13: 978-1-439-12054-5
Portions of this novel originally appeared as the short stories “Summer of Brad” and “Andrea Goes
Underground” in Sassy magazine.
“She meant you no harm …”
—Red Hot Chili Peppers
Part One
1
It was October of my sophomore year and it was raining and I was sitting in my room with my geometry homework watching it get dark outside. Downstairs my mom was fixing dinner and I could hear the news on TV and my dad would be home from his dentist office soon. And I was drawing in my notebook and leaning on my elbow and then the phone rang. I sat up. I listened and my mom yelled, “Andrea! Telephone!” I ran into the hall and picked it up and it was my friend Cybil. I asked her what she was doing but she wouldn’t answer so I yelled, “I got it!” As soon as my mom hung up Cybil started crying. I asked her what happened and where was she? She said she was at a pay phone at Sunset Mall. She’d been there all day and she couldn’t go to school because she’d shaved her head. I asked her why she did that but she was crying so much I couldn’t understand her. I told her to come over if she wanted and she sniffled and said she would. Then I hung up and went back to my room and I could smell the food cooking downstairs and then the garage door opener turned on which meant my dad was home.
Cybil was not my best friend. Darcy McFarlane was. Cybil was sort of my loner friend I guess. She was odd and not really in any cliques. I mean she wasn’t unpopular, she just wasn’t anything. She was good at sports and was on the soccer team and she was friends with some jock girls. And sometimes she hung out with Marjorie Peterson, who smoked cigarettes. But mostly she just drifted around and she would come talk to you sometimes but never try to get in with your other friends or anything like that. And it was weird because I didn’t know why she would shave her head. It wasn’t like she was into extreme fashions. Or maybe she was. The truth was I didn’t really know what Cybil was into. But it looked like I was going to find out.
I watched out my window. Then I saw her coming down the street. She wore an oversized raincoat and a stocking cap that was so far down on her head she looked like a mole. Then I thought my parents might freak out so I opened my window and waved for her to go around to the garage door. She did and I met her there and snuck her up the stairs. She looked terrible. Her eyes were all red and swollen and her raincoat was soaked through to the skin. I got her into my room and shut the door. She looked at me once and then down at the floor and then she pulled off the stocking cap and her skull was just like … just really weird and bare and like a shadow. Then she started crying and I sat with her on the bed. I asked her why she did it and she mumbled something about Todd Sparrow and she thought it would be cool and she didn’t know why. And I was like, “Who’s Todd Sparrow?” But she didn’t know that either, he was just some guy downtown, some guy she met. I got toilet paper from the bathroom. I sat with her while she blew her nose. I stared at her head. I felt sorry for her but in a way it was her own fault. She did it. And then I touched the stubble and it was like a million little dots and it felt like sandpaper except weird because the skin was soft like a baby.
2
That night all I could think about was Cybil walking into school and everybody staring at her and how horrible it would be. The next day was Saturday and I went to her house and we looked through her attic where her mom had a bunch of hats and old wigs and costume stuff from the sixties. None of it really looked right but we found a black wig that was sort of normal and we washed it and fiddled with it but it still looked like the sixties. Cybil tried putting on a scarf and sunglasses which might have passed downtown but not at Hillside High School. Especially not on sophomore hall where people teased you over anything. So then I called Darcy and she was like, “Cybil did what?” And she came running over to help but mostly she just wanted to look. And then it was getting late and nothing was working and we were getting desperate so Cybil called Marjorie.
Marjorie loved Cybil’s shaved head. She kept touching it. She didn’t care about wigs or hats or thinking up disguises. She wanted to know who Todd Sparrow was and how did they meet and where was he now? Cybil couldn’t really describe him except that she met him at Metro Mall downtown and he was in a band and he was a free spirit with the purest soul of anyone she ever met. And of course Marjorie was trying to be so cool and telling us about some weird people she knew at Metro Mall. Like these punk girls who took LSD and their skinhead boyfriends. And we said, “You know skinheads?” And she said how they weren’t Nazis and only some skinheads were racists but not all. But Darcy and I were suspicious and when we were alone in the attic we talked about Marjorie and how weird she was and if there really was such a thing as nonracist skinheads because if they weren’t racists a why would they shave their heads?
Then on Sunday the four of us rode the bus downtown to look for Todd Sparrow. Cybil wore her stocking cap but Marjorie kept bugging her to take it off so she did and people were totally staring. And then Marjorie took us to London Dungeon which had all these punk clothes and miniskirts and hippie sunglasses. And Marjorie kept trying to get Cybil to look at stuff, trying to get her away from me and Darcy. And then the saleswoman came over and she had a nose ring and Marjorie was trying to impress her and acting so tough and it was just embarrassing.
Then we went to Metro Mall. We were really nervous and looking around for Todd and every time we saw someone we all looked at Cybil but it was never him. So then we went for pizza across the street and he wasn’t there either. Then we went to Scamp’s for frozen yogurt and then to Poor Boy Records to see if Todd’s band had a tape but the guy behind the counter had never heard of Todd Sparrow. So we looked at records and Marjorie claimed to know some people in a band but they were from England and I swear, she was the biggest liar and I didn’t know why Cybil was friends with her. And all this time it was like Cybil had forgotten she didn’t have hair. Especially in the record store where they were too cool to even notice. And after that we walked back to the bus stop and Marjorie tried to impress Cybil by waving to some punk girls. But they didn’t know Marjorie and one of them flipped us off. We didn’t care though because some boys on skateboards were following us and yelling to Cybil and when they tried to catch up we just ran!
That night Cybil came over to my house but this time she didn’t have the stocking cap and she came to the front door and my mother almost fainted. She thought Cybil had been in a car accident. I told her that was the style now and my mother said, “You look like you’ve been in a car accident.” And then she called my dad over and he put on his glasses and looked and my mom said, “She looks like s
he’s been in a car accident.” It was extremely embarrassing but Cybil didn’t care. She had on black skateboarder shoes and a huge T-shirt and she was obviously getting ready to face Hillside with her new look.
At school the next morning I was so nervous for Cybil I thought I was going to be sick. After first period Darcy came to my locker and nobody had seen Cybil yet but after second period the word was out. “Cybil shaved her head!” “Cybil’s a skinhead!” “Cybil’s a Nazi!” Me and Darcy stood by my locker and tried to tell people what really happened. She did it for love. She did it for Todd Sparrow. But nobody had heard of Todd Sparrow and they didn’t want to know the truth. “Cybil’s a Moonie!” “Cybil’s a Buddhist!” After third period we finally saw Cybil. She was walking down the hall with Marjorie and everyone was watching her and boys were touching her head and she was blushing and slapping their hands away. When she got to where Darcy and I were standing we couldn’t even talk to her. Marjorie stood right in the way and it looked like they were going to walk right past. But then Cybil saw us and pushed by Marjorie and told us that Richard Kirn had talked to her all through biology and he wanted to start a band and he wanted her to be the singer! Marjorie pushed in and said that Richard Kirn was a dork and a science nerd and that everyone made fun of him at junior high. But Cybil and I had both said how cute he was and how nice. And Cybil wasn’t listening to Marjorie at all and I thought how Cybil had survived shaving her head and how great it would be if she went out with Richard Kirn.
Cybil had survived but something happened to Marjorie. She was gone from school on Wednesday and Thursday and then on Friday she had a black eye. Everyone was whispering about it. Rebecca Farnhurst said that her brother accidentally hit her with a badminton racket. And then Cybil quit the soccer team, which freaked out Mr. Angelo since she was one of the best players. Then she had her first band practice with Richard and they got Greg Halverson to play drums and then Greg shaved his head and everyone talked about it but only for a little while because he was weird and no one was really friends with him. And Cybil and Richard started hanging out and thinking up lyrics and figuring out the philosophy of their band. And Darcy and I even went to a practice in Richard’s basement but it didn’t sound that great. Richard wasn’t very good at guitar and Greg played drums so loud you could barely hear Cybil sing.
· · ·
After a couple weeks Cybil’s hair grew back. The only problem was it was too short in front and it stuck up everywhere and it made her look like a chimpanzee. She didn’t care though because she was having a crush on Richard. Or she thought she was. She wasn’t sure. Because sometimes he seemed so nice and other times he would criticize her singing and it wasn’t like he was so great on guitar. And it was too confusing to be in a band with a boy you liked but it was still exciting and every day Cybil would tell me and Darcy what happened at practice and we would discuss it and try to figure out what he was thinking. And then Greg got a crush on Darcy and that was awkward because he didn’t have any friends. But since he was the drummer of Cybil’s band we tried to be nice to him and Darcy talked to him sometimes in the hall.
Cybil and Richard had a million different names for their band but when they finally played their name was Bed Head. It was at a special matinee show at a bar downtown. And it was scary because Darcy and I had to lie to our parents and take the bus and walk through this bad neighborhood. And the first person we saw was Marjorie but she was with a punk girl and they wouldn’t talk to us. And the audience was mostly downtown people and street types and there was a skinhead sleeping in a corner with his head on his knees. And really, there were more people in the bands than in the audience. They were all running around in confusion and everyone was arguing about where they could put their stuff and who was going first and who was going last and who was “headlining.”
Bed Head went first. No one paid attention. Cybil had her skateboarder shoes and her big T-shirt and she kept looking back at Greg, trying to figure out when to sing. And Richard was doing this weird hopping thing while he played his guitar, I guess he was trying to be weird or cool or something. Cybil just stood there. You could see her trembling. She was so scared she could hardly sing. They played about fifteen minutes and when it was over she was so upset she wouldn’t talk to us. And then Richard freaked out because he thought someone stole his favorite sweater but it had just fallen down behind the stage.
Cybil was depressed for weeks after that. It was worse than when she shaved her head because she wouldn’t cry, she would just be really cold and not talk to you. And she started sneaking off campus at lunch and skipping last period study hall. Some days I wouldn’t see her at all. And it was so weird because it seemed like she was right on the brink of becoming popular at school. I mean, not like truly popular but like everybody was into her shaved head and talking about her but then she totally gave up. But I knew she still talked to Richard on the phone every night so maybe it was a blessing in disguise and she and Richard would fall in love. And then one day Darcy read some of Cybil’s song lyrics in her notebook and she thought Cybil was suicidal and she was going to tell Mrs. Schroeder but I told her not to. And then I got in an argument with Darcy because she wanted to have a normal sophomore year and Cybil was getting too weird and Darcy didn’t like going to bars. And I said how it was really weird and Darcy said she still liked Cybil even though she didn’t understand her. And I said me too and we talked for three hours about Cybil and if there was really such a person as Todd Sparrow or if shaving her head was just a cry for help like we learned in suicide awareness.
And then over Christmas vacation Cybil had sex with Richard. She was the first of my friends to have sex. And it was so weird because I always thought when it happened we would talk about it a lot more but Cybil was being so distant we were afraid to ask her. And then Darcy decided to go out with Greg since he was bugging her all the time. They went to a movie and then for pizza and the next day Darcy said he was totally insane. He thought everyone at school talked about him and he thought he was going to be famous and he was building a recording studio in his basement and he thought all these bands would want to come there to record their albums.
And then Mark Pierce asked me out. He was a senior and on the basketball team and he seemed nice. So I went and we saw a movie and had frozen yogurt at Scamp’s and it was pretty fun. And then there was a Christmas party at Julie Cavanaugh’s and she let some guys jam in the basement and also Cybil’s band except now their name was Thriftstore Apocalypse. They were great even though most of the people didn’t even understand. Like Rebecca Farnhurst and her friends were all dressed up and trying to act weird and “alternative,” as if the whole thing was just a joke. And that night I went in Mark Pierce’s car and we made out but it was awkward because I didn’t really like him that much.
Then in January Darcy got her license and we started going downtown to the city library to study and we met these two boys Derek and Jonathan, who smoked and were into underground bands. And one day we were all sitting outside on the steps and this street guy came over and asked if we had a cigarette. Jonathan gave him one and he stood over us and lit it and you could tell he was on some trip. Like he was going to try to trick us or something. Then he squatted down and started talking to us and that’s when I saw how incredible he was. His voice was sort of raspy and soft but he had the clearest, brightest blue eyes I had ever seen. And the sides of his head were shaved and he had beads in his hair and little bells. And he was talking to Jonathan about the band on Jonathan’s T-shirt and then he looked at me and Darcy and asked us what kind of music we liked. I was too stunned to talk and Darcy said, “Lots of different kinds.” But her voice was shaking and he could tell we were scared of him. So he thanked Jonathan for the cigarette and stood up and started walking away. And I looked at Darcy and she looked at me and then she yelled out, “What’s your name?” He was wearing a black overcoat and moccasins with no socks and he looked like a dream and he turned toward us and smiled and h
e was Todd Sparrow.
3
After I saw Todd Sparrow something deep inside me began to change. It was not a big change and I didn’t shave my head and I didn’t really think any differently about my life or Hillside or anything like that. But one glimpse of Todd and you immediately realized how limited you were and all the things you could do if you could just break out of your normal existence and stop worrying about what everyone thought. That’s probably what happened to Cybil, she felt that freedom and she didn’t know what to do with it but she had to do something. So she shaved her head. That was my theory. Cybil wouldn’t really discuss it. And we were having frozen yogurt at Sunset Mall one day and I was jabbering about Todd and life beyond the boundaries and Cybil said, “Wait until you get out there. Then you can see how great it is.” Which seemed sort of pretentious. But of course she had spent a whole day with him and shaved her head and what had I done? Not much. So I just ate my yogurt.
· · ·
Meanwhile back at school Greg was getting scarier by the second. After he went out with Darcy she made the mistake of telling everyone about their date and all the things he said. And besides that he was in the chimpanzee phase of his hair growth and he looked pretty ridiculous. And then me and Darcy were standing by my locker and he came over and he was all agitated and trying to say something and finally he spit it out, “Thanks a lot for spreading all those rumors about me!” And then Darcy freaked out and yelled at me because I told her to be nice to him. But it was her own fault because she told everyone how weird he was.
But the real reason for tension between me and Darcy was Mark Pierce. He kept asking me out. And he was a senior and popular and a jock and I guess people were surprised that he liked me. And it was an awkward situation because if you’re not that popular, people don’t want you to suddenly start going out with popular people because it screws up the social order. And Darcy and I never had dates freshman year and now I was getting some and she was stuck with horrible Greg Halverson, who might be okay to have in your band but not as a boyfriend or even to have publicly following you around.