by Blake Nelson
I guess I was lonely for Cybil. So one day at lunch I snuck over to Cybil’s locker and went to Taco Time with her and Richard. I hadn’t hung out with them in weeks and it was awkward because Richard was wearing this strange coat, it was like a woman’s raincoat and he had on these black leather shoes and Cybil wore her mole hat and they looked totally bizarre. And they were bizarre. At Taco Time they went through this whole routine of ordering veggie burritos and one of them had to get the value meal and the other had to get a certain size pop so they could get the Scooby Doo glass. It was very complicated and they were obviously deeply entwined in each other’s lives but the thing was, they weren’t in love. I mean, it didn’t seem like they were. They didn’t even seem like boyfriend and girlfriend. They were like two crazy people in a park or two eccentric inventors and sometimes even the words they used were like nonsense, like their own special slang and you didn’t know what they said but they understood perfectly.
We sat at a booth and Cybil ate her burrito and Richard told me all the news about their band. He asked me if there were any other songs that stuck in my head and which types of songs did I like. I said I was just a boring high school girl and who cared what I thought? But he said that was exactly the point, it was demographics and I was a perfect test market. That sounded insulting but I didn’t say anything. Instead I asked Cybil what happened to Todd Sparrow. She said he was in Seattle and Richard said, “Yeah, but he’s coming back.” So then we talked about Todd Sparrow and his band, Color Green, and how cool they were and how Thrift-store Apocalypse should play a show with them. And Richard said there was a whole youth movement coming up and it was like a revolution and all the old hate bands were fading off the scene. Punk was over. Bands like Pax and Color Green and even Thriftstore Apocalypse were taking over. Then Cybil said she wanted to change their name and Richard said, “We already discussed it.” But Cybil said she thought Thriftstore Apocalypse was dumb and Richard said, “But people are starting to know it.” And Cybil said, “So what, it’s still stupid.” And then she sipped her Coke and Richard talked to me and Cybil just stared out the window at the cars going by.
After fifth period I ran to Darcy’s locker. I told her that Todd Sparrow’s band was called Color Green and Thriftstore Apocalypse was going to play with them and there was a youth revolution and all the new bands were taking over and wasn’t it exciting? Darcy didn’t think so. She wanted to know where I was at lunch. I said I went to Taco Time with Cybil and Richard. She said Mark was making jokes about me. I said, “What kind of jokes?” She said, “Jokes about how you’re a virgin.” But then she said that Renee actually started it and she was making fun of Mark and it wasn’t really Mark’s fault. I told Darcy that I hated Renee and her stupid gossip and I didn’t care about Mark or Renee or any of them. And Darcy was being so mean and just putting her books in her locker and not answering me. Then I said, “If you have sex with Scott Haskell you will always regret it because he’ll just use you and he’ll tell everyone.” And then I walked away and I was shaking because in the last forty minutes I had realized that Cybil and Richard were too weird to be my friends and Darcy was too fake to be my friend and Mark was too much of a jerk and suddenly I was standing dangerously close to the edge of the cliff of not having any friends.
But when I saw Mark Pierce after school I did not worry about not having friends. I stomped past him and he just stood there scratching his head. And when I got home I went straight to my room and put in a punk tape Cybil gave me and turned it up full blast. Richard was right, there was a new generation and I wasn’t going to let some dumb Hillside people like Mark Pierce or Renee Hatfield or even Darcy hold me down with their stupid games. And I put on my thriftstore dress but when I tried to zip it up the zipper got stuck and it ripped. And I tried to pin it but it still didn’t fit right and anyway I looked all wrong with my boring hair and no makeup. So I went into my mom’s room and put on some lipstick and then I looked even stupider and I pushed my hair up under a baseball cap and that looked worse. But all the time I kept watching the mirror because I was seeing something I hadn’t seen before. I hadn’t really grown in the last year but something was different about my body. Like I was more coordinated or more graceful or maybe less graceful. It was hard to describe and it was bugging me and I pulled off the baseball cap and shook out my hair and then I saw what it was, I was getting sexy.
At school the next day Darcy came straight to my locker and apologized. She said that her loyalty was with me because she knew that Renee was always going to put us down but that Mark really did like me and she really liked Scott Haskell and couldn’t I just stay with Mark for a little while longer? “How long?” I said, “Long enough for you to have sex with Scott?” And she said no and that I shouldn’t talk like that and didn’t I know that Cindy and Dave had sex every day after school? Or that Terri Ferguson had sex with a boy from Central Catholic? And then she said it was almost summer and we were almost juniors and if you liked a boy you were crazy not to at least try it, and as long as you used a condom and everything, why not? I could think of some reasons why not but I didn’t say them. And I couldn’t believe Cindy and Dave did it because Cindy was so ugly in junior high and people used to wonder if she’d ever get a boyfriend and now, not only did she have one, she was having sex with him. Darcy said they went to Cindy’s every day after school and did it on her brother’s waterbed and Dave told all his friends and Cindy bragged at lunch and showed her diaphragm and we both said how disgusting diaphragms were and how you had to be fitted.
After school we went downtown to the library and when we got there Derek was sitting on the steps. He was wearing a suit and smoking a pipe and we teased him but then we saw how depressed he was. We asked him what was wrong and he said Jonathan had a new boyfriend and we were confused and then we realized, he was gay! And we didn’t even know. And I was looking over at Darcy like, Did you know? And she tried to be cool but we were both like, Derek and Jonathan are gay! And then we took him to Scamp’s to cheer him up and me and Darcy were sneaking looks behind his back and making expressions like, He’s gay! Because even though there were some boys at Hillside who were gay they never said anything and they would never talk about their boyfriend the way Derek was talking about Jonathan. And then he said Jonathan’s new boyfriend was in a band. So I asked him if he knew Thriftstore Apocalypse and he said, “Oh, that girl Cybil.” And me and Darcy both said, “You know Cybil?” He sort of shrugged and asked if we did and we just about jumped out of our seats. “We go to high school with her! We’re Cybil’s best friends!” And Derek nodded and said he heard they weren’t that good but that Cybil was cool.
And then there was this big show about AIDS on TV and everybody’s parents made them watch it. My parents sat with me and I was getting really nervous like what if they found out I was friends with a gay person? I mean, they probably wouldn’t care but still. And then my dad got all mad because they kept talking about a woman who got it from her dentist. And they were doing interviews with people who had it in San Francisco and they looked so skinny and awful. And then Magic Johnson was on and he was smiling so big it just made you want to cry. And then they told about safe sex and condoms and my parents were pointing for me to watch and they were putting it on a banana. And my dad started snickering and my mother was scolding him and it was so embarrassing.
6
And then at school one day Darcy ran up to me and announced: “Saturday. Party at Brian’s. We’re going.” But I had just talked to Cybil and I had an announcement of my own: “Sunday. Thriftstore Apocalypse. Outer Limits!” Darcy was not impressed. I said, “And guess who might be there?” She didn’t want to guess so I told her, “Todd Sparrow!” And then she got all weird like would I please just come to Brian’s with her, like it was the last favor she would ever ask me. And I was like, “Of course I will Darcy, jeez.” But it seemed sort of selfish that she didn’t even care about Thriftstore Apocalypse.
But I was still excited
about the party. And when Darcy told me it was in Weston Heights I was even more excited since that’s where all the rich people lived and they always had the best parties. I wore my favorite Gap skirt with a new top from Image and red lipstick and my hair parted to one side like I saw this one girl had at Metro Mall. I looked pretty “downtown” I guess, not totally but sort of. And it was a beautiful night and warm and smelling like springtime but when we got there Scott Haskell came running down the driveway to make fun of my outfit like, “What’s Andrea supposed to be?” Darcy had jeans and a boring shirt and Scott kept looking at me and then Darcy grabbed him and said, “Stop staring!” Then we went inside and it was scary because it wasn’t just a Hillside party, there were people from Bradley Day School and Portland Episcopal and there were really cute guys and hippie girls and everyone was dressed up. One girl even had a cool retro dress like Outer Limits. And everyone was talking and laughing and having fun and I was sure glad I wore a skirt.
But poor Darcy. She took one look around and she was like, “Bathroom!” We ran up the stairs and found Mrs. Babbit’s bathroom which was huge and luxurious and had lighted mirrors. Darcy wanted to use my lipstick and obviously she was regretting her boring outfit. So we put on lipstick and eye stuff and I made my hair part even more severe and Darcy did hers the same way and I didn’t think she’d leave it but she did. Then she dug through the laundry hamper and found an old flannel shirt. She put it on and cuffed her jeans and I guess she looked sort of grunge or something but mostly she looked like Darcy dressed in Mr. Babbit’s dirty shirt.
Back at the party nobody noticed our makeover. But then in the backyard some boys came up to us and offered to get us beers. They were sort of dumb except one boy who was tall and had horn-rimmed glasses. He was watching everyone and you could tell he was amused. He had a cool haircut, short but with thick bangs that bunched up on top of his glasses and when his friends went to get the beer I saw he had a cool fifties jacket. But it was embarrassing too because I knew me and Darcy looked stupid. I mean, the other boys thought we were “downtown” but a real downtown person would think we were playing dress-up. Then Darcy started talking to him and she was trying to act cool and she was sort of insulting him. But he didn’t care. He just kept nodding his head and smiling to himself. And then Mark Pierce came over and put his arm around me and Scott Haskell came over and he looked at Darcy and said, “So what are you supposed to be?” And the horn-rimmed boy said we were “hipsters” and he just laughed at all of us and it was so embarrassing.
And then more people came and everybody was getting drunk and Scott Haskell was pissing in the bushes right in front of everyone. And me and Darcy drank some beer and I kept burping. And then Mark Pierce found me and whispered to me how sexy I looked and did I want to go somewhere? I said, “Where?” and he said there was a room upstairs. So we went upstairs and the room was way at the end of the house and it was a little kid’s bedroom. It had a bunk bed and a desk and two life-size posters of Michael Jordan and Magic Johnson. “He has AIDS,” I said, looking up at how huge they were. Mark Pierce said, “Yeah, but we don’t.” He went to the desk and I felt drunk and sort of numb, like he was my husband or my father and he was going to take care of me. He turned on the desk lamp and turned it to the wall and switched off the main light. He wanted everything to be perfect. Then he lead me to the bunk bed and sat me down and started kissing me and unbuttoning my shirt. And he was being really gentle and sweet except he smelled like cigars. I asked him if he’d been smoking and he said shhhhh and he smelled like beer too. Then he laid me down and we were really making out and then he took off his pants and I could feel his penis inside his boxer shorts. He put my hand on it and I squeezed it and he started moaning. Then he lifted me up and pulled off my Gap skirt and his face was totally concentrating. He was trying to hurry before I changed my mind. He kicked off his boxer shorts and tried to sit up but then he banged his head on the upper bunk, really hard so the whole bed shook. And he swore and held his head and I was like, “Are you okay?” He nodded that he was. Then he hobbled over to the desk and got out a condom and ripped it open. And he held his penis and tried to put the condom on it but it wasn’t working right and he was grimacing and swearing to himself. Then a stream of blood ran down his cheek. At first he just brushed it away but more came and then he looked at his hand and it was all bloody and then he really started swearing. I got up and went over to him but he pushed me back toward the bed and then he looked at his hand again and he was so pissed. And he was still trying to put the condom on but now the blood was getting in his face. I pulled my skirt back on and got him to sit down in a chair. I dabbed at his head with the boxer shorts but he was so angry and swearing so much it just made it bleed more. Finally I convinced him to go downstairs and I held the boxer shorts against his head while he put on his pants. When we got down the stairs Renee Hatfield said, “Looks like someone got their brains fucked out.” Then Brian Babbit came over and said, “Oh, shit,” and they led Mark into the kitchen and pushed me out of the way. Which was fine with me. I didn’t want to look at it. And then someone drove him to the hospital for stitches and I just wanted to leave. I went looking for Darcy in the backyard but she wasn’t there and Scott Haskell and another guy were pissing in the bushes and Scott was totally drunk and bragging that he fucked Cindy before she even knew Dave and what a slut Cindy was and what a stupid bitch.
I just wanted to find Darcy. I went back in the house and everyone was drunk and I went out front and there were cars parked everywhere and then I turned around and the boy with the horn-rims was coming right toward me. I turned back toward the cars and yelled “Darcy!” But there was no answer. And the boy with the horn-rims stood beside me and looked around like he was trying to help. And then he asked me if the guy with the bloody head was a friend of mine. I nodded. And we stood there and he told me his name was Kevin and he asked me where I went to school. I told him Hillside and he said he went to Learning Center downtown which was where all the weirdest people went, all the artsy types and rich kids and gay people. And then Darcy came running out of the house and she was all worried but I told her Mark was okay and everything was okay but I wanted to leave, like now. But she didn’t want to and she was drunk and then Scott came charging toward us and he had his shirt off and Darcy squealed and ran and Scott chased her down the street. And then Kevin said he was leaving and I could get a ride with him.
Kevin had a Volvo. We got in and he got out his tapes and asked me what kind of music I liked. I said, “All different kinds.” He picked something and put it in and started telling me about the band. I didn’t really listen, I just let him talk and tried to rest after all the excitement. And my mind was so scattered I didn’t even know where we were and then we were downtown and he asked me if I wanted to have coffee. It was eleven and I still had an hour until I had to be home so I said okay. So we went to this fancy cafe where all these really fashionable people were. And before I could stop myself I asked him if he was gay. He said no and he asked me if I was homophobic and I just shrugged because I was so tired I couldn’t remember if that meant you liked them or you didn’t.
The tables had bright white tableclothes and nice silverware and we had tea and I was so thirsty I drank both our waters. And when I finally started to relax I was so exhausted I felt like I’d been drugged. So I went to the bathroom and sat in a stall and I swear, my head fell into my lap and I almost fell asleep. And I was so glad I didn’t have sex with Mark Pierce. And then I started to cry and I wanted someone to hug me like my dad or Darcy or Cybil but they were all off somewhere else. I was by myself. And I was downtown in a fancy restaurant with a boy I didn’t even know. So I got up and went to the mirror and fixed myself up as best I could. And when I walked back out the room was so bright and loud and people were talking and men were staring and a waitress almost ran me over and I barely made it back to the table.
Kevin took me home. He didn’t put any tapes in this time. And I had to give di
rections and I was getting paranoid that he’d think my neighborhood was stupid because of the big Sunset Park sign at the entrance and all the suburban houses that are exactly the same with two-car garages and 2.2 kids. But when we got there someone had spray-painted SUBURBAN DEATH on the sign and we were both like, cool! And then I told him my friend Cybil was in a band and he got really interested and he knew someone who was in a band. And I told him about Thriftstore Apocalypse and Pax and meeting Todd Sparrow of Color Green. And he said he’d been to Outer Limits and how cool it was and I said I loved Outer Limits and Thriftstore was playing there tomorrow and he said he couldn’t go but maybe he’d see me there sometime. And I was like, “That would be so fun!” And then he let me out and as he drove away I kicked myself and thought, Why didn’t I tell him my phone number?
7
Sunday morning in Sunset Park was lawnmowers revving and basketballs bouncing and Mom talking to Mrs. Crenshaw in the driveway and Lizzy Rosen tanning next door with her Walkman on and Dad reading The Sunday Oregonian and Rob Dickerson washing his car across the street and just the whole suburban thing. But not me. Not this Sunday. Thriftstore Apocalypse was playing at Outer Limits at four o’clock and I was getting ready and listening to a punk tape Cybil gave me. The band was called Girl Patrol and the singer was snarling her words and sounding super tough. And I was fixing my hair and practicing snarling and then I tried putting some black eyebrow pencil on my lips and smearing it in with my lipstick and it turned purple and looked sort of vampire-ish like the deathrocker girls at Metro Mall. And then I wondered if Marjorie would come to the show and I felt sorry for her because she had pretty much vanished from everything and you barely ever saw her at school. She would be good at snarling. The trouble with me was I didn’t really hate anything that much. I mean, I guess I hated Scott Haskell for being so sexist. And I sort of hated Renee Hatfield. And of course I hated Hillside because it was my high school and I hated all the suburban stuff and the malls and everything even though I still shopped there. And Sunset Park was stupid, obviously, and Mrs. Crenshaw was a gossip and Rob Dickerson had a gross moustache but so what? I didn’t care what they did. They could do whatever they wanted.