by Blake Nelson
The next day at work I wrote Tori’s number on my calendar. But I didn’t call her. I was too scared. I called Cybil and she agreed that it would be too weird for me to be dealing with Todd’s Seattle girlfriend. Like we were the various chapters of the Todd Sparrow girlfriend club. And she hadn’t said it before but she thought my relationship with Todd was definitely bordering on groupiness. So we talked about what I could do about it and we decided it was just the nature of Todd and the only thing I could do was not act like a bimbo. And then we talked about Carla and Cybil said she really liked her and I told about her apartment and how trashed it was and how much cool stuff she had.
· · ·
Then some skinheads beat up two black kids in the neighborhood by the radio station and then the next night some black guys beat up some white skateboarders I guess because they couldn’t find any skinheads. And then at the radio station everybody was all upset about it and having big arguments and screaming at each other right over my desk. And everybody was there even when it wasn’t their shift and Jamaal did the news and went on these rants and the white news guy was having tantrums and Ms. Caliban was on vacation and for once I wished she was there.
The next day Cybil called me and she had gone shopping with Carla and I was so pissed, like why didn’t she call me? She said Carla was a genius at a clothes rack and how Carla told her about going to Los Angeles, where her sister lived, and all the incredible shops they had down there. And Cybil was wondering if she was a lesbian because she had never had sex with Todd. And it was so weird because it seemed like Todd adored Carla and they must have had sex at some point. But it scared me too because what if Todd liked her more because she didn’t have sex and that made her more mysterious and exotic? Like he just wanted me for sex and she was his soul partner and the one he really loved.
Meanwhile Doug was back in town and he and Rebecca started going out and having sex all the time. Then she called me and Doug had a friend and she wanted to double-date. I didn’t really want to but I said okay. My date was named Trevor and he thought he was so cool with his Astral Planes T-shirt. So I told him how we met Ian of Astral Planes in Seattle and the whole adventure with Color Green. And he had heard that Color Green were really good but he hadn’t heard them so I told him about Todd and Color Green and how they were up in Seattle but they were coming back except Todd might be in jail. And then I told about Buzz Mitchell and how I helped Todd with his cover art and how Todd and I had talked about getting old and how Todd kept a journal so he would always remember. And I guess it was bumming out Trevor’s ego because he was getting cranky and he didn’t want to hear any more about Todd and when they took me home he didn’t even try to kiss me.
The next day Cybil called me at KBAN and Carla had told her that Todd had not gone to jail but just got hassled by the cops one night walking back from the studio and Buzz Mitchell was trying to exaggerate it and make it into a controversy so Color Green would get in the music papers. Carla also said that Todd might come to Portland a couple days before the show. I was ready. With my first couple paychecks I had gone straight to HOP! and also Ragtime, which was a new vintage store, and I had a great new dress that was like my cow dress except it had fishes and it wasn’t falling apart at all. And I had these white-and-black saddle shoes which were pretty daring since the only girl in Portland who wore saddle shoes was Carla. And every day I wore my best clothes to work and had all my stuff and plenty of money and everything I would need if Todd called. But he never did.
The big Color Green/Sins of Our Fathers show was on a Friday night and it was a drag because I had to work and the funnest thing before a Sins show was to go to Cybil’s and help her get dressed because then when she came on stage you could see all your decisions and you could see the audience’s reaction. But I didn’t have time to get the bus all the way home and then come back because the show was early because it was in a Youth Center underneath a church. And when I got there at seven, it was still hot and nobody wanted to go inside and poor Party Hats were playing to no one. And then Rebecca and Doug and Trevor came and Trevor was acting surprisingly nice. So I went with them and we drove to the store and got some beer and listened to tapes and it was fun in a college sort of way.
When we got back to the church Greg’s station wagon had arrived and Fiona had her old smashed-up Toyota and they were moving all their stuff and there was still no sign of Todd or Luke or Carla or anybody. So we stood around and then Lisa showed up with her friend Vanessa. Lisa made a big deal of introducing me but Vanessa just glared at me and then asked me if I had heard the new Color Green record yet and of course I hadn’t and she just rolled her eyes at Lisa like, Who is this idiot? I just tried to get away from them. But Lisa followed me around and then Trevor came over and Lisa sniffed at him like he was so uncool which was true. And as soon as I talked to Trevor she lost all respect for me and walked away but I was glad to get rid of her.
Now I just had to get rid of Trevor. I pretended like I was going to the bathroom and then I snuck over by the stage where Cybil was and hid in the back hallway until Trevor went back outside. Then I hung out there but Cybil was being cranky and Fiona was arguing with Matthew about which side of the stage she was going to stand on. And poor Greg was trying to get his drums ready and everybody kept knocking his stuff over and ignoring him. So I helped him and talked to him and I asked him what he was doing over the summer and he said, “Nothing.”
Then I felt something. It was like a sudden tingle in the air and it meant that Todd Sparrow was here. I stuck my head around the corner and I saw two guys carrying a big amplifier and it had COLOR GREEN stenciled across the side. But I stayed where I was. I watched them put the amplifier on the stage and go back to the door. And then Fiona came barging through the hallway with her huge bass and I had to back up to the stairs. And since there was nothing else to do, I went up them. I wandered through some hallways and up some steps and then I opened a door and I was standing on the stage of the church. It was huge. It had tall arching ceilings and my first thought was, I sure hope none of the skinheads find their way up here. And even though you could hear the noise below, the room was so big it kept its own silence. And the rows of wooden benches looked so orderly and everything was so neat and clean and polished. And I sat down on the steps by the pulpit and rested my head on my hands and just sort of enjoyed the silence and not knowing what was going to happen with Todd or with school next year or going to college. And it was probably totally sacrilegious but before I left I thanked God for Todd and the music scene and for all the fun I was having and at least my youth wasn’t being totally wasted. At least I found someone to love. At least when I was old I’d have one good thing to remember.
27
Carla met me coming down the stairs. She had just got there and she was looking for the bathroom and I had to go too so we looked for it together. The one we found was really nice and it must have been where the priests put on their robes and stuff because it had a lighted mirror and it was really fancy. After we peed Carla was doing her lipstick and I was sort of watching her and she said, “Todd’s here.” I said, “I know.” And she put on more lipstick and she looked at me in the mirror and she said that what Todd really liked on girls was big hair. And I complained how boring mine was and she started grabbing it and bunching it up on my head. And then she said I should do darker lipstick and she gave me some and then she held my hair up and started putting pins in it. After that she put some eyebrow pencil on me and she was standing so close her breasts were touching my arm. And when she tipped my head forward to fix my bangs I could feel her breath on my forehead. And I was worried she’d think I was too much of a groupie so I said I didn’t really care what Todd liked. She said, “I know, it’s just an excuse.” And I watched her face while she fiddled with my hair and I thought what a strange and mysterious girl she was.
Downstairs things were not going well. It was so packed you couldn’t even see back to the door and Sins of Our Fathers wer
e on stage and Matthew and Fiona were yelling at the sound guy and the P.A. was all screwed up. And when Cybil tried to talk into the mike it did feedback so loud everyone had to plug their ears. And people were shouting at them to play and Greg started hitting his drums and Matthew yelled at him to shut up. Cybil was getting really pissed and the whole fun of the first moment, of Cybil making her entrance, was already spoiled. And all the time I kept glancing toward the front to see where Todd was. And I kept touching my bare neck and sort of wiggling my head to feel my hair which was piled on my head like I was the Queen Of Siam.
Sins of Our Fathers played exactly one song and then the fire trucks arrived. And then the police came. And then more police came and they had riot gear and it was so weird because everyone just looked at them like, what? We were watching all the commotion from the back hallway and then these two hands covered up my eyes and someone kissed my neck and I spun around and threw my arms around Todd and gave him the biggest kiss. And Todd was like the antidote to all the bad energy because as soon as he and Luke showed up everything was fun again. And the cops were talking in megaphones and telling people to clear the building and we all snuck up the steps and hid in the priests’ bathroom. Todd sat in the sink and popped a zit on his chin and then we went back downstairs and started carrying out the amplifiers and when the cops asked us what we were doing Todd said, “We’re leaving.”
And then outside this guy came up to Todd and said we could have the show at his farm. Todd was like, yeah? The guy said he would be honored. So everybody started whispering the directions to his farm. And then Todd started organizing everything and getting the equipment loaded and everyone helped and we did it really fast. And we all hopped in the Color Green van and everybody else got in their own cars and off we went. And when we got there it really was a farm with fields and tractors and everything. And the guy was there at the gate waving us in. And Todd drove the van into the barn and we all jumped out and unpacked the stuff. And it wasn’t even dark yet and all these people showed up and Color Green set up their stuff and started playing. Right in the barn. It was so hilarious! We danced and jumped on the hay piles and Todd tried to sing his lyrics but there was no mike so you couldn’t really hear. And then Matthew and Greg were jamming and Cybil played drums and some boys hit a washtub with a stick. And the guy who owned the farm was so happy because he had saved the day and all these people were having such a great time. And when it got dark he built a fire and people got beer and then we all sat around the campfire. And I had hay sticking out of my hairdo and Todd ran around but whenever he walked by me he kissed the back of my neck. And then he took me in the van and he had a rubber and we did it really fast but it was still really sweet. And then we went back out and I was laughing so hard and skipping around and my dress was falling off and everybody was singing and it was such a blast!
The next day at KBAN Jamaal bugged me that I’d done something kinky because I had scratches all over me. I was wearing my hair down normal but every time I went by the bathroom I would run in and push it up and my neck was all scratched but it still looked so glamorous and sexy I couldn’t stop doing it. Then Todd called and he wanted to go see this French movie but he didn’t have any money so I took him. And then we had sex in Sweeney Park because Carla was home but then I had to walk to the bus stop by myself and I got home after midnight and my parents yelled at me.
But all that week I kept going into bathrooms and pulling my hair up into a bunch on my head and stray bits would hang over my face and I looked so sexy I could hardly believe it. And it made me mad that I had wasted so much time wearing it down in the most boring of all possible ways. And one night I was trying on different tops and looking at my breasts and sort of talking to Carla in my head, asking her questions, like which way should I pin my hair and would Todd like this blouse or that shirt. And I knew Todd liked my breasts but I pretended that Carla was advising me on what was the sexiest top to wear and if I should go bra-less or show cleavage or just be totally covered and mysterious.
And then Todd called me at work and he was going back to Seattle. I was like, “Todd, you practically live there.” He said, “What do you mean, I do live there.” I tried to stay calm and I asked him if I could come with him to the bus station because he usually took the bus but he said he was getting a ride and he had all these excuses and then I started to cry, silently of course, and I was still going “Uh-huh” and “Yeah” as we talked but the tears were rolling down my face and splatting on my calendar. And he was being so smooth and charming and just so Todd-like and then I sniffled and he knew I was crying. There was a long silence and I just wanted to crawl through the phone line and curl up beside him. But then I apologized and said what a wimp I was and he said, “It’s all right, Andrea. Don’t worry. Everything is all right.”
It was the last days of summer then and the wind was blowing and the air was full of dust and smoke. And all the fun of summer seemed over, like it was time to get serious again and think about school and worry about things. And Cybil was pissed because in their last two shows Sins had played a total of one song and Fiona was grumbling because Matthew had told her they’d be playing all the time. And then Matthew called me to get Tori’s number and he called Todd and tried to get some shows in Seattle. And Rebecca was getting so hot for Doug and saying that she was going to the University of Oregon because that’s where he went. They even got me to go out with Trevor again because he had tickets to see this rap group. We went and it was all these black people and a million cops and they searched you and made you walk through all these metal detectors and everyone was totally paranoid. But then the show was really cool and everyone was dancing and standing on their seats. Outside Doug and Trevor were goofing on it and saying, “Af-ree-cah!” and trying to make up raps against some sorority girls they hated from college.
After that Doug drove us to the store and they got a bottle of wine and I got some Cheese Widgets and Rebecca got gum and Trevor paid for it all. Then we went to Sweeney Park and hung out. And I had made Rebecca promise she wouldn’t make out with Doug and leave me alone with Trevor but they did it anyway and Trevor tried to kiss me and I told him I liked him more as a friend and I was getting grass stains on my pants from scooting away from him. And then he started putting down Color Green and saying that he was creative and he had suffered more than Todd and he once tried to commit suicide even. Like that would impress me. And he said how guys in bands were all egomaniacs and how easy it was to play music. And I had been so good in the last week at blocking Todd out of my mind but now it all came rushing back, how great it was to be with him, that great feeling of being free and having great talks and being a million miles away from mean stupid people like Trevor.
The next day I drove by Hillside on the way to work and all the football players were in their shoulder pads and doing jumping jacks and the sprinklers were on and the faculty parking lot was full of cars. Everyone was getting ready for the new year. And downtown everything was “Back to School” and all the suburban types were invading Kruger’s and Metro Mall and all of a sudden I thought very seriously about college. I did not want to turn into Lisa and graduate from high school and the next day be “hanging around the mall or maybe looking for a job.” And on my last day at KBAN Jamaal asked me out and it was embarrassing because I did like him but he was twenty-six and black and it would be too weird and what if my parents found out?
And then on the last weekend of summer Cybil called me and she was going to Monte Carlo with Matthew and Fiona and did I want to come and Carla was going to be there. I did. I piled all my hair up and pinned it with Carla’s pins that I kept in a special KBAN envelope. They picked me up and Fiona and Matthew were smoking pot while they drove and they were drunk too but Cybil wasn’t scared so I didn’t say anything. At Monte Carlo Nick Pax was in the parking lot with these girls who said how stupid Monte Carlo was. They were from Seattle and they were just laughing at Portland. And then someone was blasting Color Green ou
t of their car stereo and it was their new record. It was out. And then I saw Carla coming across the street and me and Cybil ran to meet her and I thought to myself: Carla is always alone. But we were all so happy to see each other and Carla said she liked my hair and we immediately went off by ourselves, away from the parking lot and the stupid Seattle girls.
And then some boys recognized Cybil and they gave us a ride to Tower Records so I could buy the new Color Green tape. We looked at magazines and stuff and Carla told us all the gossip about Buzz Mitchell and his new band, Spank, which Tori started but then got kicked out of. And then we walked back to Monte Carlo, down Broadway by all the shops and department stores and Carla smoked cigarettes and she and Cybil talked and I mostly listened. And I kept looking at the tape and turning it over in my hands and I couldn’t wait to go home and turn off all the lights and get in bed and listen to Todd.
Part Three
28
Back to school, what a nightmare. And I was having the worst hair crisis of my life because I loved piling my hair up and nobody cared at Monte Carlo or Color Green shows, but at Hillside High School? It was a terrible decision because if I just wore my hair normal I was giving in to their mediocrity and if I put it up there wouldn’t even be anyone to appreciate it and I would get teased and what was the point? And for the last week before school I had worn it up every day because it was so hot and now it felt weird to let it down. And also, as Carla had pointed out, my whole taste in clothes was heading toward a big hair look anyway and it was like the missing link and I looked like an idiot if I wore my fish dress and saddle shoes and then left my hair hanging off me like a dog. It got so bad that I even contemplated getting a bob just to end the agony but no one was getting bobs now and even Carla was growing hers out. And I was having a total panic so I called Cybil and she said I should shave my head and I was like, very funny, Cybil. Then I almost called Carla but she wasn’t in high school and I thought it would be too embarrassing to bother her with such suburban stupidness.