What? I can see the rainbow. Sure. I see it. Can I feel the rainbow too? No. I don’t even understand what she is talking about.
56
Dear Penny,
We went to the parlor for ice cream after spending all day at the lake. I chose chocolate.
57
Dear Penny,
Sometimes I don’t know what to write inside you. Should I write about then or now?
Some days it is difficult to imagine that I lived in China for so long. When I think about it, it feels like one long day. So many days were the same and they all blur together.
Life in America is quiet. It is a strange kind of quiet. There is noise, but it is not the same. In the orphanage it could get very loud with many children crying. Usually it was the new babies that cried a lot. If you live in the orphanage for long enough, then you learn to wait. It doesn’t take long to learn that nobody will be coming for a long time. I would notice when a baby would give up. Some were stronger than others, and some of them lasted longer and fought harder. Some babies would give up quickly. It is like they knew, even though they were babies, that their lives would never be the same and it wasn’t even worth it to try.
58
Dear Penny,
Older children did not go to the baby room in the orphanage. I was different because I took care of Abby. I didn’t take great care of her, but they let me in anyway.
Abby was too old for the baby room. I don’t know why she was still there. She was too old for a bottle. But that is what they gave me to feed her. She slept in a crib, and sometimes I would sleep next to her. I slept on the floor. Her crib looked like the other cribs that lined the baby room walls. It was a metal crib, and she would look at me through the metal bars. I tried not to worry about the other babies. There were too many, and I knew I couldn’t do everything for everybody. So I just looked at Abby in between her gray metal bars.
At night Abby would peek through the metal bars and point to her nose. She wanted me to touch it. She was happy when I tapped her nose at night. If I reached up and touched her nose, then her legs would kick and her whole body would smile.
The problem was that she kept asking over and over. She would look at me through the bars and whisper my name too many times. Once I was so sick of it that I pinched her nose really hard and left a finger nail mark in her pale skin. She continued to peek at me through the bars with wet grey eyes. But she didn’t ask again.
The next day she had a black spot from my pinch. The black spot lasted a long time.
59
Dear Penny,
The noises in America are quiet. In the morning there are birds that sing. Their songs remind me of when I used to sing in China. It must be nice to be a bird and sing all day. Some birds sing the same song, and some of the birds never seem to sing the same song twice.
I know the sounds of my family’s feet. I can tell who is walking and where they are going. Ellie’s feet are light and quick. Wanna’s feet are slow and soft. Daddy’s feet are the loudest.
Wanna likes to use her sewing machine in the morning. It makes a humming sound with clicks that change from slow to fast.
Daddy goes to work in the morning. I can hear him washing his face, the swish and spit when he brushes his teeth and the flush of the toilet.
Ellie likes to play Legos in the morning. I listen to her spill them all out of the bucket and begin to snap them together.
There is a flag pole outside my room. On windy days I hear the flapping of the flag and the tapping of metal. It is the only sound that is familiar from my old life. When I couldn’t sleep in the orphanage, I would tap the metal leg on Abby’s crib.
I don’t make any sounds in the morning. I lie still and just listen.
60
Dear Penny,
There was a boy in the orphanage that I hated. He was missing a part of one arm. Beneath the elbow was nothing. The elbow was smooth and round. He was long and skinny and one of the meanest people I ever met.
One day Abby was missing. I couldn’t find her anywhere. It was strange and I started to look all over. I asked the nannies where she was, and they didn’t know and they definitely didn’t care. They were too busy with the babies to worry about it.
I walked around the orphanage and went in every room. I even went into rooms that I knew I wasn’t supposed to go into. I walked in circles, and she was nowhere to be found.
As I was walking up and down the halls, I heard the Mean Boy yelling. At first I couldn’t tell where his voice was coming from. I opened doors and he wasn’t in them. I knew that if I could find him, then I would find Abby. I don’t know how I knew. I just knew.
Then I stopped in front of the cleaning closet, and his voice grew louder. He was in the closet. It was a large closet with shelves that went high to the ceiling. I stood very still and listened for a minute. He was shouting—
You are so ugly! You are gross! You are stupid! Your grey eyes are the eyes of the devil!
I wanted to walk away, but I couldn’t. I opened the closet door.
He didn’t even look at me. He kept doing what he was doing for who knows how long. Abby was on the floor. She curled her body into a ball and was not moving. She was still and silent. She only moved when his leg kicked hard into her back. His strong kick pushed Abby slowly around the closet.
I had tried fighting the boy before, and he was too strong. I tried fighting him enough times to know that it would be worse to try. The only thing to do was to lie down, hold Abby’s back against my belly, and wrap my legs around her to block his kicks.
He kicked my back for a long time. It felt like a very long time. And then he left. My back hurt for many days. Abby took a long time to stand up straight again.
He was a Mean Boy. The meanest. I hate him and I will always hate him.
61
Dear Penny,
I went to the lake today. It was so hot that I had to go in the water or I would die. I promise that I kept my eyes on you the whole time I was in the water. I didn’t put my head under. Not even once. I stood in the water and watched you. The water is blue and clear and cool.
It is still hot and I am tired.
62
Dear Penny,
I stole things from the nannies. I stole things that they didn’t need. The nannies had an office in the orphanage. They kept their things in the office. There were desks and chairs, but I never saw them sitting in them.
Actually, the nannies never really used the office. There were too many other things to do. I was not allowed in there, but I went in anyway. I needed to be careful because if I was caught in the office, then I would be in big trouble. I never got caught. I knew when to go in and I was patient.
I stole candy. There were little yellow hard candies that were wrapped in red. I loved those candies. I wanted to hold them in my mouth forever. I couldn’t do that because the nannies would see me. I needed to bite down and crunch and chew as fast as possible.
For some reason American families who adopted children in the orphanage would give the nannies perfume and lotion. The nannies had many desk drawers filled with different smelling bottles. One time I found a perfume that I needed to keep smelling. I took it. It smelled like cookies. It made me smile when I smelled it.
I put the perfume in my pocket and quickly carried it to the baby room. In the baby room there was a wall of closets. There were many doors and many shelves. Inside the closets was everything that a baby needs. There were blankets and bottles and medicines. I knew the closets that were never opened. I put the perfume in the back of a closet that was never used.
I couldn’t put the perfume on me, or somebody would notice. But I smelled the bottle every day. Sometimes I would smell the bottle many times in one day.
I miss the smell.
The perfume was one of many little things that I tucked inside the baby room closets. I wonder if they will ever be found.
63
Dear Penny,
My birthday is
coming soon. It is a pretend birthday. I don’t know how old I am, and I don’t have a birthday. Wanna told me that when we were found in the box, we were taken to the orphanage. A doctor in the orphanage guessed my age and my birthday. He guessed. He didn’t know for sure. The doctor looked at me and decided how old I was.
I don’t have a real birthday. My birthday is a guess day.
Wanna asked me what I wanted to do on my birthday, and I told her nothing. I don’t want to do anything. I never did anything in China for my birthday. Why should I start now?
64
Dear Penny,
The nannies called Abby the ghost baby. They whispered it, but I still heard them. When Abby arrived in the orphanage, they were afraid of her. They were scared of her grey eyes and white hair, and they thought that she was bad luck. I think that is why they put me in charge of taking care of her. The Chinese are always talking about luck, good luck and bad luck. They definitely thought that Abby was bad luck. So they gave her to me. Did someone else take care of her after I left, or was she all alone?
65
Dear Penny,
It is not much fun to steal from Ellie. She doesn’t care. The first few times I tried it, she didn’t even notice. One time Wanna caught me stealing Ellie’s stickers. I don’t know how Wanna does it. I never got caught in the orphanage. Wanna told me to say I was sorry to Ellie. I did to get it over with. Ellie said—
That ok An-Ya. You can have them.
Ellie would care if I stole her pink stuffed kitty. She calls it Sweet Pea. I wouldn’t want to steal it, because she sticks the kitty’s ear in her mouth all of the time. Sweet Pea’s ear is always wet with Ellie’s spit. I wouldn’t want to steal something so gross.
66
Dear Penny,
Ellie is always asking me to sing with her. She sings with Wanna all the time. They have special songs that they sing together. They swing their arms and spin around the house singing. It makes me crazy. I watch them, but I don’t sing.
In the orphanage the nannies made me sing for special people who would visit the orphanage. I hated it. I liked to sing for me, and I didn’t like to sing for other people.
I don’t know who the special people were, but they must have been important. The men were always dressed in suits and the woman wore high heels and lots of makeup. When the special people came, the nannies acted different. They would pat my head and hold the babies with smiling eyes. And then they would always ask me to sing.
Sing, An-Ya, sing.
The nannies would shove me to the middle of the room, and everyone would stand around waiting for me to begin. One time I stood and stared at everyone and wondered what would happen if I didn’t sing. The nannies were getting nervous that I was taking so long to start. They were getting angry. It wasn’t worth a slap in the face, so I started to sing.
67
Dear Penny,
Today Wanna made us do an art project. We sat at the dining room table, and she put out paints and markers and all different colored paper. Then she asked me and Ellie to paint or draw what made us feel scared. Wanna made a painting too.
Ellie scribbled with the markers and made big dots with the paint. She said the scribbles were snakes and the dots were spiders.
Wanna is a good artist. She painted a red car that was broken into pieces like a puzzle.
I painted balloons. Lots of colorful balloons. I hate balloons.
Then she asked us if we wanted to talk about our artwork. I said no. Ellie said yes and went on and on about her art. What was the point? I thought about asking Wanna about her car painting, but I decided not to.
68
Dear Penny,
The Mean Boy in the orphanage stole things too. Except he wasn’t as smart as me, just stronger, and he got caught. If something was missing, then he was the first person that the nannies suspected.
There was one nanny who had a watch. The watch had a red strap, and the middle of the watch sparkled with tiny jewels. She loved that watch and looked at it all the time. She was so proud of that stupid watch.
One day I was walking down the orphanage hallway, and the watch was sitting in the middle of the floor. I couldn’t believe it. The nanny had dropped her watch. There wasn’t anyone but me in the hallway. I ran to the watch and picked it up and put it in my pocket. I knew what to do with it.
I needed to be patient, but I needed to hurry. The nanny would realize her watch was missing soon. I hoped for the Mean Boy’s room to be empty. I got lucky. The big kids were all in the TV room. A lot of boys slept in the same room as the Mean Boy. But that day nobody was around. As fast as my feet could move, I crossed the Mean Boy’s room to his bed and tucked the watch under his pillow.
Whatever happened to the Mean Boy must have been pretty awful. I saw the nanny drag him by his hair into the office and slam the door. I heard loud banging sounds. When he came out, he went to his room and sat on his bed. He stared at the wall the rest of the day. He stopped doing anything at all. He didn’t eat. He just stared at the wall. He wasn’t his same mean self for a long time.
I didn’t know it was going to be that bad.
Tomorrow is my birthday.
69
Dear Penny,
Now I am 12. I am almost a teenager, which is a good thing because it means I am closer to being able to have my own house and be by myself. The only good thing about the art work we did the other day was that Wanna knew not to buy me balloons.
Wanna and Ellie baked a chocolate cake with blue icing. Daddy put 12 candles on top and everyone sang the birthday song. I was supposed to make a wish when I blew out the candles, but I didn’t know what to wish for. I couldn’t think of anything. So I just blew them out to get it over with.
Then I had to open presents. Daddy gave me a watch that has a crystal in the middle. It looks fancy. Ellie gave me a necklace with a charm that says sisters. I won’t be wearing it. Wanna gave me a new quilt for my bed that she sewed herself. It is made of all different blue colored fabric. Some blue fabric squares have pink flowers inside to match the pink blanket on my bed.
After I finished opening my presents, I asked if I could go to my room. Wanna looked upset, but she said that it was fine.
Do you think She is thinking about me today?
70
Dear Penny,
Wanna is crying. I am in my room, but I can hear her. It is a loud cry mixed with a yell and a little bit of choking. It is my fault that she is crying.
She came into my room after my birthday party and asked me if I was ok. I told her she wasn’t my mother and I wanted to go back to China.
I don’t know why I said that about wanting to go to China. What is there for me to go back to? Nobody wanted me there.
I wanted to tell Wanna that I wanted my real mother and I wanted to spend my birthday with Her. I didn’t say those things, but I said enough to make Wanna cry.
I don’t belong anywhere. I guess I never did. I probably never will.
71
Dear Penny,
I see dancers in my head when music is playing. They are beautiful dancers and wear beautiful costumes. The music decides how they dance and what color their costumes are. I’ve always been able to see them. As far back as I can remember.
In the orphanage, the Nanny that I loved, the one that I hoped would make me her daughter, would play the piano. She wasn’t very good, but the children liked it. Maybe she was better and it was the piano’s fault. It was a dirty old piano with most of the paint worn off.
When the Nanny played, I would lie on the floor and listen. I would watch the dancers in my head.
Wanna plays music all the time. Different music on different days. Sometimes she tells Ellie and me to sit on the floor and listen with her. Wanna says to feel the music and let the music take us wherever we want to go. Weird, I know.
I don’t know what I feel or where I want to go, but I like to watch the dancers in my head.
72
Dear Penny,
Wanna doesn’t let me help her clean the house. She says that cleaning the house is a mother’s job. She tells me it is my job to play. I have to pick up my own messes, but I am not allowed to help clean.
In the orphanage it was a child’s job to clean. My hands were rough and my nails broke off as soon as they started to grow. Now my hands are getting soft and smooth, and my nails are longer then they have ever been. It feels strange.
A few days after I came here, Wanna took me to the doctor. She showed the doctor my hands and seemed worried that something was wrong with me. The doctor asked Wanna what kind of soap I used in China and if I was I forced to clean. I didn’t say anything. I just listened.
The truth is I didn’t mind cleaning the orphanage. I scrubbed the floors and metal cribs. I washed clothes and dishes in a big red bucket. It was something to do and I was good at it.
I’m not good at playing. I am much better at cleaning.
73
Dear Penny,
The same red bucket that I washed clothes and dishes in was the one I used to wash myself. I was responsible for washing Abby too. She would giggle when I washed her tiny feet.
Now I don’t wash with water from a bucket. I take a shower. The water comes out of this metal thing, and it is like standing in the rain. I used to hate it, I was scared of it, but now I like it. I like the feeling of standing in the rain.
An-Ya and Her Diary Page 4