I want to do it. So I will see you later?
I nodded my head and turned to walk home.
Wanna handed me a bag to carry and the way that she looked at me asked—
Are you sure about him?
I didn’t answer.
Ellie said—
Levi’s eyes like a rabbit. I like him.
Ellie waved at Levi as she walked away. He waved back and smiled.
I put the bag over my shoulder and held Angel Bones tight against me. I thought about if Ellie was right about Levi’s eyes.
I don’t think the eyes of a rabbit could make me feel the way that Levi’s blue eyes do.
155
Dear Penny,
Wanna told me tonight that if I wanted to, I could write a letter back to my nanny Ping-Hao. She said that she could have my letter translated in Chinese and mailed to China.
At first, I was excited. But now I feel unsure. Whatever I write will be read by Wanna. I don’t want to hurt Wanna, but the things I want to say to Ping-Hao might feel hurtful.
I need to think about it.
156
Dear Penny,
Sitka came over this morning and it didn’t go very well. She knocked on the door while I was eating breakfast. Angel Bones barked and Wanna let Sitka into the house.
Sitka looked mad but pretty. Her hair was as straight as mine and her dark skin was shiny. She was wearing jeans that were decorated with small yellow flowers.
She told me that she needed to speak to me privately, so we went to my room to talk.
After she sat down on my bed, she was silent. Finally I asked her what we needed to speak about. She said—
I saw Levi on my way here. He was riding his bike. I asked him where he was going, and he said he was going home to finish writing a letter back to you.
Sitka pointed at me like I did something very wrong. I said—
Why do we need to talk about that?
She said back—
Because you didn’t tell me anything about this! You never told me you gave him the letter. You never told me what the letter was about. You never told me what he said. You never told me ANYTHING! I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS!
Sitka yelled the last part.
I didn’t know what to say, so I stared at the quilt on my bed and studied all the fabric squares.
Sitka said—
You need to say something, An-Ya.
I looked up at her smooth hair and her brown eyes that matched her skin and said—
How did you get your hair that smooth?
Sitka touched her hair and said—
I put some stuff in it to make it straight, but you aren’t answering my questions.
I said—
I like your hair that way. It’s pretty.
Sitka still did not look happy. She said—
Why do you like it this way? Because it looks more like your hair?
I shook my head no. All of the sudden, I felt like I wanted to know more about Sitka.
So I asked her—
What is the worst thing that ever happened to you?
Sitka looked down at my quilt and rubbed the sewn lines along the quilt squares. When she looked up at me, she said—
I guess it was pretty awful that I was born with a hole in my heart.
I said—
What do you mean?
Sitka explained that she was born early and with a heart problem and needed to have surgery to fix it when she was a baby.
I told her I was sorry about her heart and asked her if there was something else that was awful in her life.
She said—
Well, my parents are always working and I don’t see them very much. Their patients seem more important to them than I do sometimes. Having parents who are doctors is rough. It isn’t awful…I mean, they are helping people and stuff. But it can be lonely.
I said—
Oh. Is that why you are here a lot?
Sitka said—
Yeah. Plus, I usually like it here.
I asked her if there was anything else awful in her life. She said—
There was that time when someone yelled out their car window at me and called me the N word.
I didn’t know what she was talking about, so I asked—
What N word?
Sitka’s brown eyes got big, and she looked at me like I was trying to make fun of her. She looked hurt.
She said—
Are you serious, An-Ya? You don’t know the N word?
I told her I didn’t have any idea what she was talking about.
She said—
It is a nasty word said by nasty people to black people like me. It is a word said to make African Americans feel like they are dirt.
I still didn’t understand. She was staring at me and I felt like her brown eyes were going to burn a hole in my head. I said—
So the N word is about your skin color being so dark?
Sitka didn’t answer but she kept staring at me.
I said—
Are you ok with your skin being so dark?
Sitka got off my bed and headed to my bedroom door. She looked back at me before she left and said—
I am totally fine with my skin color, An-Ya. In fact, I love my dark skin. Maybe you are the one with a problem?
Just as she was about to leave, she turned and stared back at me and said—
The N word stands for Nigger.
Then she slammed my door and was gone.
157
Dear Penny,
After Sitka left, Wanna came to my room and opened the door. She asked me what happened and why was Sitka leaving our house with tears in her eyes.
At first I told Wanna that nothing happened. But she didn’t leave and kept sitting on my bed waiting for me to talk.
After I realized Wanna wasn’t leaving until I said something, I told her—
I didn’t try to make Sitka upset. I don’t even know what I said that was so bad.
Wanna looked into my eyes. She was wearing new eye makeup, and her eyes looked bright and a little green. She said—
How about you try and tell me what happened and then I will try to help you figure out what went wrong.
So I did tell her. Well, not everything. I left out the part about Sitka being mad at me for not telling her about my letter to Levi. But I told her almost everything else. I even told her about the N word.
Wanna put her arm out and said—
Come on over here with me and sit and we will talk about all of this.
I said—
I am sitting here.
Angel Bones jumped up onto my lap.
Wanna said—
Ok, then sit there, but I would still like you to tell me more about what happened.
We started talking and I explained everything again.
Wanna said that asking Sitka if she was ok with her skin being dark would be like someone asking me if I was ok with being Chinese. By asking the question, it makes it seems like maybe there is something wrong about it.
I don’t know if I am telling you about it exactly like Wanna told me, but it made sense. I understand now how I might have hurt Sitka without trying.
I said to Wanna—
There are people in China that think that being whiter is better.
Wanna said—
There are people in America who think the same thing. The same people who called Sitka the N word.
I looked up at Wanna and said—
I used to be one of those people who thought that.
Wanna reached over and held onto my shoulders. She looked down at me and said—
There is good and bad in all of us. Plus, I think I heard you say…you used to be one of those people? That means that it is not who you are anymore.
I nodded my head yes.
158
Dear Penny,
I fell asleep last night in Wanna’s robe. I woke up sweating. It is very early morning and still dark outside.
I was dreaming.
Do you remember the boy in the orphanage who gave me my first kiss? He was the one whose face was half covered in red. I had a dream about him.
He was here in this house with me. He was sitting with me next to the fireplace in the kitchen. It was strange because he was wearing the clothes that Levi was wearing at the market…a black jacket and blue jeans.
His face looked like it was on fire. His red stain was so red that it looked like blood covered one side of his face, but I wasn’t afraid.
I asked him if he was ok.
He said—
They keep giving me these pills to make the red go away, but it is making me even redder.
I asked him who? Who is giving him the pills?
He said his parents were giving him the pills because they thought he would be happier if the red went away. But the pills weren’t working, and they were making it worse.
I asked him what he was going to do, and he said—
I think I will stop taking the pills. Maybe I will pretend to swallow them, but I will spit them out later.
He told me that he wanted to be able to look in the mirror and see the same person that he was in China. He didn’t want to change his skin. He asked me if I thought he should keep trying the pills.
I said—
No. Don’t take the pills anymore.
He said—
Do you want me to kiss you again?
And then I woke up. I pulled off Wanna’s robe and climbed on top of my covers to cool down. Then I started writing inside your pages.
Now I feel cold. I need to get under the covers again.
159
Dear Penny,
I never knew what it meant to have a best friend until I lost one. I should have told Sitka everything about what happened with Levi. I thought I wanted to keep it inside me, but now that I don’t have anyone to share it with. I realize that I was wrong. I want a best friend to share it all with, but now my best friend hates me.
Sitka said she was born early with a hole in her heart but the doctors fixed it. Maybe I was born with a hole in my heart too? Maybe nobody ever checked and I have a hole in my heart that is growing bigger each day? That would explain why I can’t ever talk about everything inside of my heart, because it keeps falling out of the hole before I can explain it.
160
Dear Penny,
Daddy said that tonight we were going to party. He said that we weren’t going to a party but we were going to create a party in our house.
Only our family was invited.
He ordered pizza to be delivered. We ate our pizza in the kitchen.
I am starting to like pizza. I used to hate it. I always liked the way it smelled, but the cheese felt weird in my mouth. I couldn’t eat the cheese without feeling sick.
Now I am getting used to it and eating pizza doesn’t make me feel bad anymore.
Daddy bought soda for me and Ellie. He gave us little umbrellas and straws to put in our drinks.
For Wanna and Daddy, there were red and white wine bottles to choose from.
We all were given fancy glasses to pour our drinks into.
Ellie was very excited and said—
I like our party Daddy!
Wanna filled her fancy glass with white wine.
Daddy picked red wine.
I chose soda with a straw but without the little umbrella.
Ellie wanted the soda, the straw, and the umbrella.
Daddy said that he wanted to make a toast.
I thought he was going to make toast, which seemed strange.
Instead he held his fancy glass up in front of his face and said—
I love that all of my girls are here with me to celebrate.
He smiled at all of us. Daddy’s black hair was pushed back from his face, and his striped blue shirt and dark gray pants made him look very important.
Wanna was wearing a long black dress with peach flowers. Her skin looked like it matched the flowers in her dress. She smiled at Daddy and held her glass of wine in front of her smiling face.
Ellie was wearing a purple dress and black shiny shoes. She was holding her umbrella drink and smiling at Daddy too.
I was the only one wearing jeans.
Daddy said—
I love all of you and am so happy to be surrounded by you tonight. I can’t believe how lucky I am. We are here to have our family party and to celebrate that I have received incredible new work contracts. I truly hope this means that we won’t have to worry about money again for a long time.
Daddy looked like he was becoming king. I wasn’t sure about anything that was happening. I knew that Daddy was happy, so I tried to be happy for him. He asked us all to raise our glasses and I raised mine.
Daddy said—
To us! To our family!
After that we were all tapping our fancy glasses against everyone else’s glasses. Daddy and Wanna were drinking their wine and tapping their glasses against each other over and over again.
Then Wanna started to play music.
161
Dear Penny,
The party continued in the living room. There was a warm fire. Wanna’s music was all around us.
The music was soft and slow.
Daddy and Wanna were dancing together, and they were very close. I thought that they were going to start kissing.
If they started to kiss, then I was going to go to my room right way.
Ellie looked up at me and said—
We dance now, An-Ya?
I looked down at Ellie and saw that she wanted me to do the dancing with her. Her arms reached out to me.
She wrapped her arms around my waist, and I placed my hands on her shoulders.
Ellie pressed her head into my belly and she tried her best to dance. But her shoes were slipping around on the wood floor and she couldn’t move around without sliding.
She said—
An-Ya, new shoes slippery!
I looked down at Ellie’s face. She was worried. I told her that it was ok.
I put my hands on Ellie’s head and ran my fingers through her black hair. It was hair that I was once so jealous of, but now my hair was almost as long as Ellie’s.
I said—
Ellie, you are a good dancer.
Her black eyes looked into my black eyes, and she smiled and said—
I good, but my shoes are not as good as me.
162
Dear Penny,
I don’t know what to write. It is too terrible to write anything. I am at the hospital and I don’t know how to write what has happened.
Ellie fell down.
After the party, Ellie and I said goodnight to Daddy and Wanna.
I grabbed you off of the living room book shelf, where I left you before the party.
Ellie ran up the stairs ahead of me. She was excited to get her pajamas on because Wanna promised to read her a bedtime story.
But she didn’t make it all the way up the stairs before she slipped and fell all the way down.
I saw it happen. I saw her falling. But there wasn’t anything that I could do to stop it.
She fell all the way to the bottom and landed at my feet.
Her fancy slippery shoes slipped on the wood stairs, and she fell backwards.
Ellie’s head banged into the wood stair corners as she rolled down.
I didn’t do anything. I watched it all happen, but I didn’t do anything. It was so fast and I stood completely still. I wanted to move, but I couldn’t. I held onto you and watched her tumble toward me without doing anything.
Ellie landed in front of my feet and she didn’t make any noise. She looked like a black haired doll with closed eyes. Blood started running out of her nose.
Ellie might die. We are at a hospital, and I can’t stop thinking about how it should be me with blood running out of my nose instead of Ellie. Ellie would have moved. She would have saved me somehow.
163
Dear Penny,
>
I am still at the hospital. Sitka is here now. Her parents came to try to help Ellie. When Sitka saw me, she ran to me and hugged me for a long time. We didn’t say anything to each other, but there wasn’t anything to say that would make it better.
Wanna and Daddy keep coming in, then leaving the waiting room to talk with the doctors and nurses.
Everyone is silent when they are in this room. Nobody is telling me what is happening to Ellie.
164
The hospital waiting room has brown walls and blue chairs. There is a plastic green plant in the corner. Sitka is curled up on a chair and is watching a small TV that is hanging from the ceiling.
I am sitting on the floor in a corner and writing to you. I want to get out of here, but I don’t want to leave here without Ellie.
165
Dear Penny,
I must have fallen asleep. How did I fall asleep? Daddy woke me up and I was still in the waiting room. The TV hanging from the ceiling was turned off, and Sitka was asleep in a blue chair.
Daddy told me that we were going home, and I said—
No.
Daddy whispered to me that Ellie was having an operation to help her brain get better. Ellie’s brain was bruised and there was some bleeding inside that the doctors were trying to stop.
Daddy told me that we needed to go home and get some rest. There wasn’t anything that we could do at the hospital to help. We needed to go feed Angel Bones and let her go to the bathroom. He said we would come back after we rested and the operation was finished. I said—
No. I can’t leave.
Daddy put his arms around me and lifted me up and told me that we were leaving. Daddy said Wanna was staying at the hospital, but I didn’t know where Wanna was.
It felt wrong to leave, but Daddy looked like someone very different than the I knew a few hours ago at the party. The look in his eyes filled me with fear.
I pointed to Sitka and said—
What about her? Why does Sitka get to stay?
Daddy told me to wake up Sitka, and he left the room for a few minutes.
An-Ya and Her Diary Page 12