He thought back to the crummy apartment Kayla had taken him back to that night after the funeral and nodded.
Kayla continued. “All I could think of was that her children deserved to be born to people who could tell them about just how wonderful their mother was, and my sister deserved to have her one life dream come true, even if it was after she’d gone. I guess it’s as simple as that, really.”
But it wasn’t simple. Kayla’s decision had opened up a whole new can of worms. Worms that invaded his every waking thought and a good many of his sleeping ones, as well.
“But the responsibilities attached,” he started. “Didn’t you stop to consider them? Don’t they scare you?”
“The financial side of things, you mean?” She cocked her head to one side. “I didn’t enter it at all lightly. I trained, I worked several jobs, I went without any form of luxury and I saved every penny before the transfer that gave me Sienna. I’d made a long-term plan that would let me have the babies—three, ideally—two years apart. It was only because the storage facility was closing and planning to destroy any embryos that weren’t claimed that I was forced to take other action.”
“Like approaching me?”
“Like approaching you,” she agreed. “I didn’t know what to expect when I came to see you, to be honest. I’d hoped that you’d be more open to things.”
He mulled over what she’d said. “Would you have told me about the children at all if you hadn’t needed my financial aid?”
A look of regret crept into her expression. “No. Probably not.”
“Well,” he said on a huff of air. “Thank you for being honest about that, at least.”
Silence fell between them for a while and then he heard Kayla clear her throat.
“Do you wish I hadn’t had Sienna? Or this baby?” she asked, smoothing her top down over her small baby bump. “Do you wish I’d just done nothing and let the embryos be destroyed when the clinic closed down?”
His heart hammered in his chest. A couple of months ago, he’d have said yes and thought nothing of it. But he couldn’t even tolerate the thought now that he’d held Sienna, read to her, cleaned her up, fed her...loved her. Loved her? Another shock wave of emotion flooded him. He didn’t love. He didn’t want to love. He didn’t want to ever be that vulnerable to anyone—to be that hurt by anyone—ever again. But he couldn’t admit any of that to Kayla, who stood there next to him holding his child—one who lived and breathed and grew and learned every second of the day—and be able to keep the emotional distance he knew he needed.
“It’s all irrelevant now, isn’t it,” he heard himself say. “Sienna’s here and in a few more months another baby. I’m just glad there weren’t more.”
He turned away from them both, ignoring Kayla’s sharply indrawn breath, and focused on the otters playing in the water in front of them. He was glad there weren’t more babies, he kept telling himself, because it was already next to impossible to realize that he loved Sienna. And what if it happened with the next baby, too? Loving this hard, this deeply, made him feel weak, defenseless. He knew better than most how dangerous it was to expose yourself in any way to anyone—be it an unloving adoptive parent or an unseen enemy in an unfriendly land. Could a man’s heart honestly grow and expand that big and survive? Could his?
Eleven
For the rest of the outing, Van’s vehement words kept playing over and over in her mind. It was her own fault for opening up the conversation in the first place but she certainly hadn’t expected such a painfully blunt response. He’d begun to enjoy Sienna, she was sure of it, and his fatherly instincts to provide and protect, though they’d been slow to show, were more than evident now. And yet he’d made it absolutely clear that he didn’t want more children. Why? Because of her as their mother?
Her enjoyment of the day was shattered and she found it hard to watch Van and Sienna together without wondering how much he must resent her for having brought the child into his life. When the now-infrequent nausea swept her with unusual ferocity just after they stopped for lunch, she was only too pleased to head home again. At least there she could lock herself away with her hurt and her worries. And maybe dissect where she’d gone so totally and utterly wrong with him.
Should she have told him about the children at all? Well, like he’d said, it was irrelevant now. She couldn’t turn back time; she couldn’t undo what she’d done even if she wanted to.
Later that night she couldn’t sleep at all. No wonder, of course, when she’d ended up napping most of the afternoon away once they’d gotten back to the house. She stepped out onto the balcony outside her room and stared out into the distance. How had her life become so complicated? She’d always kept things so simple—no home, no ties, no responsibilities—all the way up until she realized that her sister’s dream of being a mother was going to die along with her.
She’d told herself that she’d done this for her sister, but had she really? Maybe it was all too convenient for her to have her sister’s babies. She could build a family without having to build a loving, mature relationship first.
Of course, she’d had relationships, but she’d always prided herself on not settling down in one place with one person for too long. Settling down created expectations that she’d never been prepared to fulfill. Looking back on her life, she could now see how superficial it had been. Oh, sure, she’d worn clothing made from renewable sources; she’d paid extra money to replant a forest wherever she’d traveled to offset her carbon footprint. She’d prided herself on her spontaneity, her ability to live in the moment without structure or planning. But what had that all been for if not to hide from the reality of being a grown-up?
Having Sienna had opened her eyes to a lot of things. Not least of which the idea that making her decisions based on her emotions was not always necessarily the right choice. It certainly hadn’t been with Van, had it? How could she have thought it was a good idea to approach him for financial help when she hadn’t even done him the most basic courtesy of informing him he was a father?
“It was dumb, dumb, dumb,” she muttered out loud.
And she was paying the cost now. Not only her, though, but Sienna and Van, too—and possibly even the baby-to-be. The reality of what she’d done to Van and to his life and his plans for his future settled on her shoulders like a ton of lead. There had to be a silver lining in this somewhere, she told herself. Wasn’t she the queen of being upbeat and seeing the bright side of everything?
She knew her impulsive nature could sometimes unintentionally cause hurt to people and that her inclination to meddle had led to some tricky situations—case in point, the situation that had blown up with Zoe—but her heart was always in the right place. At least, that was what she’d always told herself. But maybe she’d been wrong all this time. Kidding herself that she was doing things for other people when she was, in reality, doing them for herself and to heck with the consequences.
Her hands gripped the iron railing in front of her and hot tears began to slide down her cheeks. Had she destroyed everything for Van? Ruined any chance he had at future happiness with his children because of her actions? She could have sworn he was falling in love with Sienna, and believing that had made her heart begin to soar for her little girl’s future and for that of the baby she carried. But his response to her questions today had made her doubt. Maybe it was too late for him to feel the bond he should have with his children. And if so, it was all her fault.
Had this all been a terrible mistake? No, she couldn’t think that. Couldn’t assign that awful word to two children she loved more than life itself. And they deserved more. They deserved two loving parents. Preferably ones who were on the same page about their children’s futures.
Maybe it would have been simpler if she’d let Van take full custody of the children. But as soon as the thought entered her mind, she felt an
overwhelming rejection of it surge through her. No. These were her children, too. She’d cleaned up her act, created stability in her life where before there’d been none, and she had become someone worthy of raising kids—and all for them. She had to believe she’d done the right thing.
Van would come around to that, surely. Wouldn’t he?
She stumbled back into her room and closed the French doors to the damp night air before climbing back into her bed. Things had to improve again. They’d already done it once, gone from two people at an impasse to two people who could make compromises. It hadn’t been easy and she’d given up a lot of her independence—heck, who was she kidding, pretty much all of her independence, to be honest. Gone was her work, her home, even her car. But she’d gotten plenty in exchange—and best of all were the opportunities for the children. Van could give them things they never could have experienced on just her resources. And he’d made sacrifices, too. Hadn’t he broken off his engagement because he had learned he was a father?
Kayla had never stopped to think about what the other woman thought of the sudden change to her future. Right now she felt deeply ashamed. Dani what’s-her-name must hate her. She’d had plans for her future with Van. Plans that had been smashed because Kayla didn’t stop to think.
She’d created this situation. She had to find a way to make it work. If she didn’t, then life would be very dark indeed, and she owed it to her children to make sure the darkness never touched their lives. And she owed it to Van, too.
* * *
Kayla noticed that Van made a concerted effort to spend time with Sienna every day, either in the morning or just before her bedtime at seven. But if he was home in the evening, he disappeared into his home office after putting Sienna down and remained there until long after Kayla was tucked up in her bed. At least the time he spent each day with Sienna was an improvement on how things had been before the aquarium day, she consoled herself, even if things between him and Kayla had become more stilted than ever.
So she was surprised to find Van waiting for her when she went downstairs to the kitchen for breakfast one morning two weeks later. He was seated at the kitchen table reading some bound report that he held in one hand while holding a coffee cup in the other. Not for the first time, Kayla found herself briefly mesmerized by his hands. He had beautiful hands for a man. Broad but with long, tapered fingers and with an interesting array of scars she knew he hadn’t incurred before he entered the army. They were a reminder that there was so much about him that she didn’t know. One day she’d get up the courage to ask him about them, she told herself and forced her gaze away before she could remember other, forbidden, things about those hands and what they were capable of.
“Good morning,” she said as brightly as she could. “Late into work?”
“I’m taking you to your doctor’s visit today,” he said without looking up from his report.
Kayla stopped in her tracks. “Oh, you have time for that?”
The second the words were out of her mouth, she wished them back. Would she ever learn to think first and speak second? She wouldn’t blame Van for a minute if he took what she’d said the wrong way.
“I’m sorry,” she hastened to add before he could do more than glare at her over the rim of his mug. “I didn’t mean it to come out that way. You’ve been really busy lately, obviously. I didn’t expect you’d be able to make it.”
“Is that why you didn’t tell me about the appointment?”
Kayla felt her cheeks color in shame. To be honest, she hadn’t told him about the appointment because she was terrified he’d show no interest in it, or her, and she hadn’t wanted to face his rejection. Yes, it was the coward’s way out, she fully admitted it, but she absolutely didn’t see the point in inviting any more conflict into her life than she’d already created. Seemed she was destined to fail in that department.
He made a gesture with his hand. “Forget I said that. Imelda told me you were scheduled for a scan today. Your notes and everything transferred to an obstetrician in Monterey okay?”
“Yes, I certainly couldn’t face the idea of a two-hour drive each way to see the doctor who cared for me through Sienna’s gestation. Belle recommended someone.”
“Good,” he replied, getting up from the table. “It makes sense. Do you know how long the appointment will take?”
She shrugged. “I’m really not sure. I’m due for some tests, and since this is my first time with this doctor, I don’t know how long they’ll take.”
“Tests?” He frowned. “What kind of tests? I thought today was just a routine scan.”
“Well, it is. They’ll be checking the baby’s size and development, especially considering the hyperemesis gravidarum, but they’re also doing blood tests and what they call a nuchal translucency test—it’s made up of a blood test and the scan where they look to make certain there are no chromosomal abnormalities or other kinds of defects.”
Van paled. “And if there are?”
“We’ll cross that bridge when we get there,” she said with a blitheness she was far from feeling.
“You’d go through with the pregnancy?” he pressed.
She shrugged, but she knew that if faced with that question, she would do what she thought her sister would have done. Bear and love the child no matter what his or her life might look like or how short-lived it might be.
“Like I said—” she tried to smile reassuringly “—we’ll deal with it when we know for certain. No point in borrowing trouble.”
“You forget, trouble is my business.” He got up from the table and put his mug in the dishwasher. “Let me know when you’re ready to leave. I’ll be in my office.”
And like that, he was gone again. Kayla didn’t quite know how to feel. A part of her was glad she didn’t have to drive herself to the appointment. At least that way, if there was any obvious bad news, she wouldn’t be alone. But being with Van lately was akin to cuddling a porcupine, with the exception being that he certainly didn’t get that physically close.
* * *
Van watched intently as the image came up on the screen and the sonographer made an indistinct sound.
“Is everything okay?” Van asked, leaning forward.
It was hard to make anything out, but the woman turned to him and smiled. “Just give me a moment or two, Mr. Murphy. I need to complete some measurements and send the information through to Ms. Porter’s obstetrician. They’ll be able to tell you the outcome.”
He shifted in his seat, starting in surprise as Kayla’s hand slipped into his.
“It’ll be okay, Van. Just relax. There’s no reason for anything to be wrong.”
But bad things happened all the time. He knew that better than anyone. His fingers tightened around hers and she gave him a reassuring smile before turning her attention to the screen. He was surprised to hear her sniff and looked at her in time to see her surreptitiously wiping away a tear with her other hand.
“What’s wrong?” he asked, feeling more terrified than he had been a moment ago.
“Nothing,” she said through more tears. “It’s just such a crazy miracle, isn’t it? Look, you can see it there on the screen.”
“And here’s the heartbeat,” the sonographer said.
The room was filled with a rapid drumming sound.
“Is that okay? It seems very fast,” Van asked, staring hard at the screen.
“All perfectly normal,” came the steady reply. She adjusted a setting on the equipment and the resolution of the image on the screen sharpened. “I see you’ve requested to know the baby’s sex, if possible, so let’s have a look here. And there he is.”
“It’s a boy?” Kayla asked, squeezing Van’s hand so tight it actually hurt.
“He’s being very accommodating and showing off, so, yes, it’s definitely a boy. Cong
ratulations. Was that what you were hoping for?”
“I didn’t care. I just wanted another healthy baby. Don’t you feel the same, Van?”
But he was beyond answering. First a daughter and now a son? This for a man who’d decided never to have children, who never expected to be a father? Emotion threatened to drown him and he focused on the pain of Kayla’s fingernails digging into the palm of his hand. Allowed the discomfort to distract him from the crazy swirl of joy and fear and exhilaration that made his eyes burn and his chest ache.
Through the buzzing in his ears, he heard Kayla speaking to the sonographer.
“He’s a bit overwhelmed. He missed out on the scans with our daughter, so this is all new to him.”
“I understand,” the woman said with a smile in his direction.
She turned her attention back to her equipment and continued with the various measurements she had to make. Van was fascinated—the tiny skull with the tiny brain developing inside it, the curve of the spinal cord, the limbs. This was a little human. A child. His son.
“Is he sucking his thumb?” Van asked.
“He certainly is.”
“Wow.”
Kayla had called it a crazy miracle and she wasn’t wrong. It was almost beyond his comprehension seeing the image on the screen and correlating it to the fact the baby was nestled in her womb. And he’d wanted to miss out on all of this? But there was still the issue of his parents’ DNA to contend with. What if his son, or Sienna, carried that same disposition to self-destruct by using substances? He had such a responsibility to see to it that they weren’t tempted to go down that road and potentially destroy their lives. Lives that Kayla had fought so hard to ensure they had without realizing what kind of time bomb they could be carrying. These babies, his children, deserved his best. Could he give it to them? Would he be enough?
Those questions played on his mind for the balance of the day. He locked himself in his office in an attempt to avoid them, but it was useless. After a long video call with Dani regarding an ongoing and escalating issue with one of their clients in the Middle East, Van shut down his computer and pushed away from his desk. It was dark outside and far later than he’d realized. That was why he and Dani had always been so well suited, he thought. Both prepared to keep going to get the job done, no matter the hour. Would he still be able to continue to give his work everything with two children in the house? It was unlikely.
One Heir...or Two? Page 12