as Patty’s publicist, Γ
heroic effort to get Patty on Colbert show or even Live at Five in Lubbock, Texas, Δ
Mothers (other than Whistler’s), xiv, 24, 27–29, 38, 39, 47, 75, 76, 80, 91, 125, 136, 161, 179, 200, 209, 210–11, 234
Newberg, Esther, ∞, 1971/2
as Patty’s book agent and goddess, pure and simple, 181
Boston Red Sox’s next manager, rumored to be, >24
Patty, xiii, 4, 7, 16, 17, 19, 24, 25, 37, 39, 41, 48, 50, 54, 70, 73, 74, 77, 80, 81, 88, 93, 94, 103, 104, 108, 110, 114, 133, 136, 159, 177, 183, 187, 189, 191, 194, 197, 209
for President, ∂
other dislikes of, 98.4
Presidents (not Patty), 180
Quinoa, 153/4
what is?, β
Roossin, Paul (see dedication), xv
as person who can make Patty laugh hardest, 20437
as Patty’s nearest and dearest all-knowing omni-maven, 43729
mispellings of, 22.4
misspellings of, 89.6
Reader, 32, 34, 120, 177
Hey, you, 80.6
wake up!, 109.7
Space
between chaplettes, λ
compared to time or gravity, which is best?, ax2
for rent, μ
Stuart, Kari, 621/5
Patty’s enormous gratitude for, 75.4
Things cut from earlier drafts
Antidisestablishmentarianism
avoiding damage for rip-offs you didn’t cause
Chaplettes 251–292
extended list of Wally’s lesser girlfriends
Easton, B., and Penney, A., at EJ’s
farm jargon
godlessness and godchildren (John Owen, Hunter Stuart)
kitchen sink
mistakes, future
Rakoff, David, too terrific for likes of this book
shellfish and Julie Klam mix-up
some other stuff
Sonnenfelds, each and every one
truth
Truth
Wildfire (included in third edition)
Zarf, why nobody knows meaning of
Twenty-seven, 153, 199, 213, 215
how it feels about its neighbors on number line, ɛ
Vegetables, 10, 31, 84, 181, 186, 194
as metaphor for something, 4.44, β, ∞
Brussels sprout, sautéed and indicted, 84, 128.5
hamburger, FDA rules it legume, 9943
parsnip, as substitute for love or potatoes, 186
Whistle(s)
whistleblower, 173
whistling, xi
Whistler, not the painter, λ, 12.12
Zip gun
see psychiatrist
SPECIAL BONUS EDITION FOR READERS WHO HAVE HAD LASIK SURGERY
A MESSAGE FROM THE PUBLISHER
Because it is our goal to publish books that have the maximal satisfaction quotient, we would like to hear from you, the reader. Please take the time to fill out the survey below so we know how we may better serve you.
1. In which of our other titles would you like to see Wally Yez make an appearance?
2. “I was never surprised by the page numbers.”
( ) strongly agree
( ) somewhat agree
( ) neither agree or disagree
( ) somewhat disagree
( ) strongly disagree
3. Did you feel there were enough truths in this book? Be honest.
4. Did you like the food written about by this author? Will you be preparing any of it?
5. In your opinion, were there enough semi-colons on the pages? Would you like to see more? Would you like to see the periods italicized?
6. In what ways did this book alter the way you relate to mohair?
7. Compare and contrast the themes in this book with the passage of the 1930 Smoot-Hawley Tariff Act.
8. Do you think this author deserves a Guggenheim Fellowship? If so, would you write her a recommendation by December 1st?
9. What time is it?
Hmm
This book was based on the Aeneid, loosely (but not anti-Hellenicly).
A FINAL WORD FROM THE PUBLISHER
Even before Patty finished telling this story, our offices were in receipt of a curiously great number of letters and e-mails from readers. In the spirit of openness and interactivity, we would like to share with you some of these communications:
Dear Patricia Marx,
Were you in Miss Sheanshang’s third-grade class at Rydal Elementary? If so, I sat next to you. Thank you very much.
Lorinda (“Sharkie”) Duenwald
To whom it may concern;
I got a defective copy of Patricia Marx’s book. It contains patches of blankness. Please send me the missing words.
Gratefully,
Henry Kerrey
To Ms. Patricia Marx,
Our book club is reading your book. What’s with all the empty space? One of our members thinks it’s symbolic but most of us deplore it. It’s a disgrace. You should be ashamed of yourself. People in other parts of the world are starving.
Hugs,
Amy H.
Hi!
So far I found three typos in your book! I found only two typos in the Stephen King book I just read. I’ll let you know how many more I find in your book! Okay?
Best,
Ms. Lorrie Tobias
MORE FROM OUR MAILBAG
Dear Pat,
Guess what? I read the end of your book first, but it didn’t wreck anything. Is that a literary device?
From a reader,
Cookie Kummer
Dear Author or Writer,
This is the first time I have ever written a letter to an author or writer. What is your position on estate taxes?
Please reply ASAP.
Sarah Stuart
Dear Scribner,
Would you please send me a coupon for Featherware lingerie? I am a 34C (34D from December to March) and am looking for something in lace, preferably beige. Please enclose receipt.
Hazel Traister
Hey,
My mother made me read your book. She accidentally bought two copies. IMHO, it is underrated. Thank you.
Matt Stine
Dear P. Marx,
Would you be interested in doing a reading at the Barnes & Noble in Coal Run Village, Kentucky, on October 31? If so, would you please not read aloud chaplettes 3, 12, 13, 25, 28, first half of 91, 211–242, and any portion of the book that talks about red meat?
Yours truly,
A. Aaron Radlauer
TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN,
THIS ISN’T FRANCE!!!! IT’S SPELLED
CHAPLET!!!!!!
MARK O’DONNELL
About the Author
Patricia marx is a staff writer for The New Yorker and a former writer for Saturday Night Live. She is the author of several books, including the novel Him Her Him Again The End of Him, which was a finalist for the Thurber Prize for Humor. Marx was the first woman elected to the Harvard Lampoon. Starting in the fall of 2011, she will teach screenwriting at Princeton University. She can take a baked potato out of the oven with her bare hand.
*A bare-faced lie. See pages 25, 95, and 155.
**Patty.
*Despite Patty’s insistence that there be no depictions of underclothing in these pages, she eventually relented to the art lovers, voyeurs, illiterates, garment manufacturers, book marketers, and a few UNICEF collectors, all of whom persuaded her to reconsider her position.
*You think you’ve got problems. It hasn’t been easy for Patty to figure this whole thing out either.
*Nobody knows how to pronounce this word, let alone what it designates.
*The judge assigned to Marx v. Yez was heard to say recently that he can’t help but think Patty’s story is enchantingly reminiscent of plenty of other (perfectly legal) stories. For instance, Don Quixote.
*Editor’s Note: Chaplette 302 can be found in Volume 4 of Will and Ariel Durant’s The S
tory of Civilization.
*In the Russian edition of this book, misleadingly entitled Doctor Zhivago, Wally replies, “Torture,” not “Norture.”
*In the Inuit edition of this book, endearingly entitled Ukluk Learns to Dog Sled, Wally (Ukluk) clops into Imogene’s (K’eyghasthuntu’s) igloo, and says something we don’t understand because we don’t speak Inuit. Nobody really does.
*In the Irish version of this book, Athbhliain Faoi Mhaise Duit, Wally takes a drink.
*She meant Martin Bormann.
*
* Total mileage: 13,435,637. Rest stops along route: 1. Best souvenir: limbo dishtowel.
*Compasssmith is one of the few non-ridiculous words to have three successive s’s.
*Here the poem breaks off. LinLin had been reading Dead Souls at the time, a novel that ends in mid-sentence because the author, Nikolai Gogol, burned the rest of his manuscript and subsequently went mad and died. This impressed LinLin greatly.
*The truth question, not the eyebrows one. Everyone’s eyebrows are asymmetrical.
Starting from Happy Page 13