Evil Puppies
Daniels, Aaron Michael Crane
Unknown publisher (2011)
Tags: Horror
Horrorttt
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For years, they were man’s best friend. Nothing lasts forever.
We leashed them. We made them beg for scraps. We domesticated them from proud wolves into sniffling pugs. Now they want revenge.
As the Evil Puppies roam the world, city after city falls. New York rises in flame and puppy fur. Los Angeles is overrun. The armies of the world crash before them. Can nothing stop these adorable balls of fluff?
They’re cute. They’re cuddly. They’re craving human blood. Man’s best friend... just became his worst nightmare.
Evil Puppies -- seven short stories of adorable horror by Aaron Daniels. Included: Free bonus story by Michael Crane, author of Lessons (And Other Morbid Drabbles).
Evil Puppies
by
Aaron Daniels
For years, they were man’s best friend.
Nothing lasts forever.
We leashed them. We made them beg for scraps. We domesticated them from proud wolves into sniffling pugs. Now they want revenge.
As the Evil Puppies roam the world, city after city falls. New York rises in flame and puppy fur. Los Angeles is overrun. The armies of the world crash before them. Can nothing stop these adorable balls of fluff?
They’re cute. They’re cuddly. They’re craving human blood. Man’s best friend... just became his worst nightmare.
Evil Puppies -- seven short stories of adorable horror by Aaron Daniels. Included: Free bonus story by Michael Crane, author of Lessons (And Other Morbid Drabbles).
Anytown, USA
"Happy first anniversary, schnookums!" Mike said. With a grin, he held out a box with holes.
Amanda, an angel in a woollen sweater, beamed. "Aww, thank you, sweetie-pie!" She kissed him and took the box. "Now what's in here?"
She removed the ribbon atop the box and opened it. The most adorable, tiny, cutesy little puppy wagged his tail inside.
"Aww, honey-bunches!" Amanda said to her newlywed. "This little puppsy-wupsy is almost as cutie as you are."
She grabbed a piece of anniversary cake from the coffee table. She held it over the puppy's head. "Who wants some cakey? Who wants some cakey?"
The puppy wagged his tail and barked, as if saying, "Me! Me!"
Amanda lowered the piece of cake into the box... and the puppy bit off her hand. He began to eat her fingers as if they were sausages.
"Bad puppy!" Mike said as his wife screamed. "Don't bite the hand that feeds you!"
The puppy wagged his tail, jumped out of the box, and leaped onto Amanda's chest. As Mike watched, the puppy bit out her heart, then spat it at Mike's feet.
"You always said I had your heart," Mike whispered, tears in his eyes. Then the puppy turned toward him.
When the police cruisers arrived, they found the house in flames. A single, shivering puppy sat outside in the yard. Police Sergeant Letts stepped toward the pup and lifted him.
"You're safe now, little buddy," the veteran policeman said, cuddling the puppy. "You're safe."
In his arms, the puppy chuckled and licked his lips.
New York City
The evil puppies attacked at twilight.
They swarmed the streets of New York, barking, kicking up snow. When Janet saw them, her first instinct was to clasp her hands together, sigh, and release a long, "Awwww."
Rob, her boyfriend, grabbed her arm. "Come on, Janet!" he screamed. "Run!"
Janet couldn’t help it. She reached out toward the swarming, adorable balls of fluff. "But they’re so cute!"
The puppies soon reached her. They jumped onto her, tails wagging, and bit off her legs.
"Oh God!" Rob said.
Janet stood on stumps, looking around confused. The puppies ripped into her stomach, pulling out her entrails, tails wagging madly.
"Oh God have mercy!" Rob screamed.
The puppies pushed Janet down, bit off her head, and began to eat. Soon there was nothing left of Janet but bones.
"Right!" Rob said. "That does it. Nobody eats my girlfriend."
He kicked open a shop’s window, grabbed a baseball bat, and began to swing. Soon puppies were flying through the air, squeaking.
"Come on, puppies," Rob said. "Anyone want to play fetch?"
The puppies swarmed. Rob swung his bat. A beagle went flying. He swung again. A cocker spaniel flew and hit a lamp post.
But there were too many. The puppies soon covered him, gnawing and scratching. Rob fell. He tried to raise the baseball bat, but could not. The puppies had bitten off his arm.
"Sit, boys, sit!" he said, but it did no good. No. These puppies were done obeying. Rob opened his mouth to scream again, and the puppies began shoving dog food down his throat. He saw that they carried a bag of the stuff. It tasted awful.
"Look, I’m sorry we fed you this crap, but--" He could say no more. The dog food filled his mouth, muffling him.
Once he had eaten near to bursting, the puppies ripped into his belly, wagging their tails as the dog food spilled out. Then they began biting his neck. The last thing Rob saw was his body, decapitated, and he realized that his head was rolling away.
Then he saw nothing.
The puppies raced from street to street. They bit through electrical wires, water pipes, the foundations of buildings. The Chrysler building came crashing down, puppies raining from its steeple. The Empire State Building soon followed, a million puppies shoving it. The Statue of Liberty’s head floated down the Hudson, puppies running in circles atop it.
New York City rose in flame, smoke, and flying puppy fur.
Their time had come.
Man’s best friend... was now his worst nightmare.
Hawaii
Tiffany was lying on the beach, making out with her boyfriend, when the pugs attacked.
They were baby pugs, adorable little things that wobbled and panted, eyes bulgy and tongues lolling. A hundred of them raced down the beach.
"Where the hell did those critters come from?" she asked, propping herself up on her elbows.
"Come on, baby, get back down here," Sean said. He was struggling to unstrap her bra, but only managed tangling his fingers in it.
"There are puppies coming over here," Tiffany said sternly.
"I don’t care, baby, come on. Don’t leave me hanging." He gave up on the bra and pulled off his own clothes.
"Sean, really, the puppies will see you naked."
He snorted. "What the hell with these puppies?" He stood up and stared at them. They were close now. "Hey puppies!" he called. "Get out of here."
The puppies reached him, jumped onto him, and bit hard.
Sean screamed.
It was like watching piranhas eating a cow. The puppies swarmed over him. Blood and guts and organs flew. Sean screamed, and soon his skeleton collapsed into the sand. The puppies ran around with his entrails, as if playing with a string of sausages.
Tiffany screamed and ran. A puppy leaped up behind her, bit the strap of her bra, and it finally came loose. Tiffany ran, screaming, arms crossed over her own puppies. The pugs chased. They were gaining on her.
Could puppies swim? Tiffany didn’t know, but she would find out. She jumped into the water and began swimming, glancing over her shoulder.
The puppies entered the water, tails wagging. They were Olympic swimmers.
With cold dread, Tiffany remembered that she herself could not swim. She began to flounder, screaming and splashing.
"Somebody help me! I’m drowning and there are puppies after me!"
The puppies reached her. One bit off her foot. Ot
hers grabbed her neck and pulled her underwater. Now they were more like piranhas than ever. Blood filled the water.
"Bad, puppies, bad!" she cried, and water filled her mouth, then her lungs.
She didn’t have time to drown. The puppies would not let the water kill her. That was their job. They bit her neck, ripping and tugging and shredding.
Within moments, the job was done. They dragged her head back to the beach, and the evil puppies began playing fetch.
Los Angeles
Richard was busy applying his lipstick when he heard the barking.
"Oh Heavens," he spoke to his pale, beautiful reflection in the mirror. "This barking... will... disturb my muse."
He stood up, pulled on his sparkly pants, and left his trailer. The set of "Dusk II" bustled around him. Camera men, make up artists, sound directors, and many other people ran from here to there. When they saw him--Richard Parker himself, the teen sensation--they fell silent. Richard smiled softly, savouring the attention he could command. He was famous. He was sparkly. He was Dusk, the prettiest vampire in the world.
"What... is this..." He paused, thinking. "...barking?"
Nobody could answer, but he knew they could all hear it. It sounded like a million yapping puppies.
"It is... causing me... angst," Richard said. "Stop those..." He thought for a long moment. "...puppies."
"We'll call the dog catchers at once," the director said, a portly man with a beard and baseball cap. He waddled to the phone, a camera over his shoulder.
He never made it there.
The puppies burst onto the set, thousands of them: poodles, labs, chihuahuas, and mutts. They swarmed over the director, ripped him to shreds, and headed toward Richard.
"Oh heavens," Richard said. "This is... even worse than... when teenage girls... swarm toward me... and..." He paused, thinking.
It was the last pause of his life. The puppies leaped toward him. A few were blinded by his sparkle, but that could not stop them; it seemed only to enrage them. They tore his sparkly clothes to shreds, ripped into his flesh, and began pulling out his internal organs. Richard screamed. The puppies pulled out his guts, his stomach, his spleen, and began to play with them. Richard screamed and screamed... and then the puppies went for his neck.
It was much less pleasant than a vampire's bite.
Washington DC
Cocopuff, commander of the Beagle Division, stood upon a hill, surveying the puppies who mustered below. Thousands of baby beagles ran in circles, wagging tails, sniffing at everything. Cocopuff nodded. They were ready.
She barked, and the puppies began running downhill, heading toward Washington, DC. Cocopuff howled and ran with them. For years, the humans leashed them. For years, they made them beg for table scraps. Now it was time for revenge. The puppies swarmed into the city, killing everyone in their path. They bit, they clawed, they ripped off heads. Blood flowed around Cocopuff's paws. Policemen tried shooting at her, but she darted from left to right, avoiding their bullets. She jumped onto a police cruiser, crashed through the window, and bit off the policeman's head.
Soon the puppies were near the Washington Monument.
"Bring it down!" she barked. Humans would hear only "woof woof", but Cocopuff knew her fellow puppies understood. They began to dig around the monument and scratch its base. Soon it came crashing down. More police cruisers approached, and the monument crashed onto them, killing the men inside.
"To the White House!" Cocopuff barked. "Kill anyone who resists you."
The puppies raced forward, tails wagging, mouths bloody. Tanks rolled toward them, and their guns tossed puppy parts in all direction. War planes flew ahead, blowing puppies to bits.
"Keep going!" Cocopuff barked.
Soon they reached the White House and began biting and digging. The columns came crashing down. Cocopuff knew that the important humans would be underground in bunkers. But her puppies were expert diggers.
"Dig!"
They began digging and digging, until they reached the bunkers where the leaders of these humans hid. A few were generals in military uniforms. The others wore suits. Cocopuff recognized the President of the United States, a stately woman in a business suit.
"Aww, but they're only cute little puppies!" the president said.
Cocopuff leaped onto her, wagged her tail, and bit off her head.
The humans scattered soon after, fleeing the city. The puppies awaited in the countryside. They covered the roads, the fields, the forests. The fleeing humans ran into their waiting jaws. Bodies littered the roadsides.
When the day ended, Cocopuff stood upon the smoldering ruins of Capitol Hill. She nodded contentedly.
We're cute, she thought. We're cuddly. We're thirsty for your blood.
Germany
When Hitler turned on the time machine, puppies spilled out.
"Ach du lieber!" Hitler shouted. He drew his revolver and began shooting the pups. Soon puppy brains covered the bunker walls, but the critters kept tumbling in.
"Mein Fuhrer," Goebbels said, "I do not understand. The time machine should open to the early 21st century, allowing us to study the history of the war. Obviously 2011 is overrun with these puppies."
"Puppies!" Hitler shouted, reloaded his gun, and kept firing. "I hate puppies!"
His officers also began shooting. Puppies flew left and right, riddled with bullets. Himmler tried to reach the time machine, to close its door, but could not reach it. Puppies covered the floor knee-deep.
"Kill all ze puppies!" Hitler screamed. "I order you to--"
He could not finish his sentence. One puppy leaped onto his groin and bit. Hitler shrieked and ripped it off. It came loose with blood on its teeth. Hitler tossed it into the air and shot it.
More puppies swarmed him. When he opened his mouth to scream, one puppy--a tiny chihuahua--leaped right into his mouth. Hitler couldn't breathe. He couldn't even pull the puppy out of his mouth; when he raised his arms, he found stumps covered in puppy drool.
The last thing Hitler saw was the puppies killing his officers, breaking down the bunker doors, and spilling into the hallways. Then puppies jumped onto his face, and he felt them pull out his eyeballs.
He had thought Stalin was tough. The man, he realized as the puppies tore out his neck, was only a kitten.
Las Vegas
Elvis sat watching television, a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken on his lap, when the portal opened beside him.
"God darn it," he said. "I hate when time portals open during prime time."
This time portal seemed to flow from 1940s Germany; Elvis caught sight of a bunch of dead Nazis. A cloud of puppies obscured the sight. Tails wagging, they spilled into Elvis's Las Vegas hotel room.
"I like hound dogs," Elvis said and rose to his feet. He grabbed a chicken leg with one hand, and a gun with the other. He pointed both at the puppies, who were still spilling onto the floor. "But ain't nobody disturbs Elvis during Hawaii Five-O."
When the puppies came running toward him, Elvis noticed that blood dripped down their mouths. They reached his boots and began to bite. One tore through his pant leg and drew blood.
"Well, bust my breeches and call me a streaker," Elvis said and kicked the pup. It went flying and crashed into the bar, knocking over bottles of scotch. "First you bite me, then you smash my booze. That does it."
Elvis took a bite of chicken, aimed his gun at the puppies, and shot. They scattered, but soon regrouped and raced toward him. One jumped onto his chest and bit his shoulder. Elvis shouted, blood seeping down his jewel-studded jumpsuit. He ripped off the puppy, tossed it into the air, and shot. He missed, instead shooting down the chandelier. It crashed to the floor, burying several puppies.
"Cotton-picking hound dogs," Elvis said. "Nobody messes with the King."
He reached into his bucket of chicken, grabbed another piece, and shot his gun. He hit one puppy, sending it flying. He chewed chicken and shot again. A second puppy flew.
"Thankyou, than
kyouverymuch," Elvis said between mouthfuls of chicken. He drew a second gun and began firing in all directions, holding the puppies back. The theme to Hawaii Five-O blared as he fired. Puppy blood and brains covered the hotel room. Still more spilled from the portal. One reached him, jumped up, and bit off his left sideburn. Elvis cursed to high heavens, ripped it off, and shot it dead.
When a bunch more came swarming toward him, Elvis pulled the triggers... but he was out of bullets. He tossed the guns aside, disgusted. He had more guns in the bedroom, but about fifty puppies separated him from there. He would have to use his Karate skills.
Elvis grabbed a third piece of chicken, then began moving toward the bedroom. The puppies attacked from all sides, but Elvis fought with kicks and chops. He sang as he fought.
"Well since my baby left me... KARATE CHOP! ...I found a new place to dwell... KARATE KICK, HYA!" He took a mouthful of chicken. Dead puppies piled up around his feet. "...It's down at the end of lonely street at... heartbreak hotel DOUBLE CHOP, HYA, thankyouverymuch."
He reached the bedroom and strode to his bedside table. He grabbed two Berettas and spun around. A hundred puppies were spilling into the bedroom. "Are you... lonesome tonight?" he asked and began firing. Bullet holes covered the walls. Picture frames crashed down. Vases of flowers shattered. Soon one wall collapsed. Still the puppies swarmed.
"I think we gotta get more serious here," Elvis said. He pulled two shotguns and five grenades from the closet. He started blasting. Puppies flew in all directions. A second wall crashed down, raining dust. Bottles of booze shattered across the bar, the TV exploded, and the coffee table collapsed.
"Come on, hound dogs!" Elvis shouted, laughing. "That all you got?"
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