by Adam Rapp
I asked him if his studio was east or west of the restaurant and he said it was about thirty minutes east so I paid the check and got into his car with him and we drove east to some little town.
We didn’t talk much in the car and he kept smiling his weird half smile. P I know when you read this you’ll probably be like “J what the hell are you doing getting into a car with that weirdo!” but he seemed more normal than I’m making him out to be P he really did.
At one point I said “So are you like a professional photographer or something?” and he said he was trying to be and that him and his wife were starting up a portrait business and how they needed some samples to hang in their shop.
His studio was in the back of a locksmith’s and when we walked in this big fat Chinese woman who was sitting behind a counter waved at him and he waved back and told me she was his wife and I said “Hey” to her and she waved at me too but she didn’t say anything which made me think she was either deaf or couldn’t speak English. The other weird thing about her was that she had this tube attached to her nose like some sort of medical tube but I couldn’t see what it was connected to.
The smiling man led me to a back room which had this big gray backdrop thing and some pretty nice-looking camera equipment like the kind of stuff you could sell on eBay.
When he was setting up his camera he asked me my name and I told him it was Cesar and I’m sure the guy who etched it into the window at The Country Kitchen would be pissed if he knew I was pretending to be him without his permission. Then I asked him his name and he said it was Will Patterson and then he put this terrible music on and started taking pictures. I asked who it was and he said “Hootie and the Blowfish. You like it?” I said “Sure” even though I was lying. Then he said “Hootie’s the best. Hootie and Counting Crows. I can’t get enough of them either.” He had to stop for a second and adjust this big light but he went right back to his camera and kept shooting.
He said “You’re doing great Cesar just great.”
I thought he was going to get all pervy and ask me to take my shirt off or make me like open my mouth so he could throw a grape in it or squirt water on me but all he did was ask me to hold a toy train engine. First I sat on a stool with the train in my lap and then I stood with the train and then I sat Indian-style on the floor with the train in my lap again. Once he put the train on the stool and adjusted my chin but that’s the only time he touched me.
At one point he had to change film and that’s when I put the rubber Halloween mask on. I sneaked it out of the book bag when he wasn’t looking and then he looked up. He just stood there staring at me and I said “Go ahead. Take my picture” and he totally did it P I shit you not! In fact I think he took like FOURTEEN pictures because I counted. Eventually I took the mask off because I was getting mad hot and he never even asked me about it.
At the end of the shoot he really did give me a hundred bucks. They were all twenties and when we were about to get back in his car I asked him if he could drive me east instead of back to The Country Kitchen and he asked how far and I said whatever he could do and he was like “Okay. East then.”
On the radio there was a commercial about herpes medication and then one about the Christian Church of the Fellowship and then one about Goodyear radial tires. His car smelled like foot odor and coleslaw and I hadn’t noticed this when he drove me to the locksmith’s.
On his steering wheel was a leather cover that had “Rich” on it. I said “I thought your name was Will” and he said it was Will and then I asked him why it said Rich on his steering wheel and he said “That’s not a name that’s a goal.”
He wound up driving me about thirty more miles east and dropped me off at a rest stop on Interstate 80 somewhere near this place called Ogallala. We shook hands like we were old friends even though I knew that was bullshit but I was genuinely amped about the cash he paid me.
Before he got back in his car he told me I was a great model and I had this urge to ask him why his wife had those tubes in her nose but I didn’t. For some reason I can’t get that out of my head P.
When his car pulled out of the rest stop I felt like I had escaped something terrible. I guess Will could have done all sorts of weird shit to me like he could have even murdered me and cut me up into a thousand pieces and like MAILED them all over the country but all he wanted was to take my picture so he could have some samples for his business. That’s not so bad right? He’s probably a really nice person.
At the rest stop I found an atlas that someone had left on a picnic table and I opened it up to where I was. I had to get all the way across Nebraska and then Iowa and then Illinois and then Kentucky! That’s a lot of states P! I had no idea how big this country is. It’s mad huger than any other country I’m sure. I mean I’ve seen maps in school and I remember thinking Canada was big but I think maybe America is bigger.
The good news is that I have a hundred and forty bucks in my pocket now so if I can get to a train station I can stop hitchhiking and somehow get to Memphis.
So it’s pretty nice at this rest stop. There’s a picnic table in the grass and I’m eating Cape Cod potato chips and drinking a can of Coke. P I have to admit that I just poured my Jim Beam mini into my Coke. There’s nothing like a joke Coke to even the day out. Don’t worry I made sure no cops were around. This van pulled in a few minutes ago and this guy with a Chicago White Sox hat got out and stretched and did some squats next to his van and then got back in and drove away.
So I’ve been getting a little drunk and I’m feeling pretty good P. I’m “tight” as Branson would say. I tried calling you again. I called you collect from the public pay phone but like before it says your phone has been disconnected. I don’t understand that P. Have you already died? Is that how you know when someone dies for sure? The morgue has some special deal with the phone company and they punch in a code and disconnect you?
I’m not going to get too mad at you because you’re sick and there could be a thousand reasons why your phone’s been disconnected.
I’ve been thinking about starting to walk east on Interstate 80. It’s a stupid thought I know because a cop would definitely stop me but I’m on my second joke Coke and I’m liable to do anything.
I think I need to go lie in the grass.
Love,
Your Bro
November 6th, 2007
Dear Jamie,
Hi. Thanks for your letter. My mom just got me a new MacBook with the Leopard system, which I like a lot. In fact, I’m writing this very letter to you on it!
I had no idea you had gone away to that school until your brother told me. A military academy sounds like a very intense place. I know your father was in the army so it must run in the family. I’m not sure I could handle military school. I can barely handle regular public school, although I am doing better than I did in eighth grade. After I got in trouble this past summer for partying with those German exchange students I read this book called Jonathan Livingston Seagull and it made me really want to change my life. Have you heard of it? You should read it, Jamie, you really should.
I’m very flattered by your invitation to go to the Midwinter Ball but I have to decline because I’m seeing someone and I already promised him that I would be his date to the Snow Ball here in Cincinnati. But the Midwinter Ball sounds fun. I have never been to a military academy formal before and I’m sure having the girls stay on campus for a night must be exciting for the cadets. I can’t imagine going to boarding school. I can barely imagine going away to college at this point.
By the way, I should tell you that the person I started dating is your brother Edward. I know it must be weird for you to hear that because of your invitation and because of the fact that he’s a senior and I’m a freshman, but it’s not as strange as it sounds. He may not have told you because he didn’t want to hurt your feelings, but it’s true. He’s very intense and straightlaced, but I think that’s good for me as I’m not smoking anymore and I’ve given up alcohol an
d pot, too. And my parents really like him and think he’s impressive.
Anyway, Jamie, I’ve missed seeing you on the block but I’m sure I’ll see you when you get your military holidays. By the way, did you hear that the Fergusons were on the Jay Leno show? They were in the audience and the camera landed right on them. Ben Affleck was Jay’s guest. How lucky are the Fergusons?!
Best of luck at your school and if I can think of anyone who might want to be your date to the Midwinter Ball I’ll let you know.
Sincerely,
Cornelia Zenkich
BUCKNER MILITARY ACADEMY
2700 OLD CEMETERY ROAD
REVERE, MO 63465
OFFICIAL MEMORANDUM
DATE: 24 OCTOBER 2007
TO: CADET RECRUIT WYCKOFF
FROM: THE COMMANDANT’S OFFICE
YOUR PRESENCE IS REQUESTED AT COLONEL STOOPS’ OFFICE TOMORROW, THURSDAY, OCTOBER 25, 2007, AT 1600 HOURS.
PLEASE BE PREPARED TO DISCUSS YOUR RECENT FAILINGS AT MONDAY DRILL.
COLONEL STOOPS HAS REQUESTED THAT YOU BRING YOUR GYM CLOTHES AS WELL AS YOUR M.T.-I TRAINING MANUAL. HE WILL BE PROVIDING A WORLD WAR I WINCHESTER DRILL RIFLE.
September 18th, 2007
Dearest James,
Just a quick note to say hello and that I hope you enjoy the care package. I know your mother isn’t too keen on you eating sweets, but I took the liberty of adding a few things I thought you might enjoy. The brownies are homemade, my own special recipe in fact. And I know your birthday isn’t until mid-March, but I thought I would include a little money to keep in your pocket.
Louisville is enjoying an unseasonably warm fall. The leaves have yet to change but I have faith. The other night I took in a Shakespeare play at Actor’s Theater. I think it was supposed to be Measure for Measure but I have no idea what the director and his sub-par cast were trying to communicate. There was a young man in the cast who looked like your brother Peter but that’s about the only joy I left the theater with.
I understand that you will be attending a nondenominational Wednesday chapel service as well as a mass on Sunday mornings at which you will be able to take communion. I hope you will keep your Catholic faith in mind and all that Christ suffered on our behalf.
I very much look forward to seeing you at Thanksgiving again. I plan on driving up with your Aunt Julie in my old jalopy, should it make it to Cincinnati.
Best of luck with everything, James. I love you very much.
God Bless You and Keep You,
Grandma Beauty
March 15th, 2008
Dear P,
So it’s three days later.
P life is really weird really really weird but I’m sure you already know that.
The days and the nights and animals talking to you in your dreams and the way people smell and faces that remind you of other faces and seven-foot giants walking around at the Taco Bell and how many burritos they have to eat to get full and things getting invented in basements and the war still going on in the Middle East and what it must feel like to kill a person and some guy in Venice California jumping over a building on his skateboard and what happens to fish during a tidal wave and how some people are born with huge brown moles on their backs and why can’t I get any pubic hair and who makes up all those tests you have to take where you fill in the little ovals and what did the Native American Indians think when they started building all the highways and some woman giving birth to a goldfish in Florida and how do you wake up one day and decide you want to be an astronaut?
I mean these are serious problems P! Serious serious problems and issues and they make me feel like I’m on meth again even though I am definitely not. Meth is about the last thing I want to be on right now but I do wish I had some of my medication because I’m having trouble focusing P focusing on anything right now is hard so I decided to write you again because it’s the only thing that makes me feel better.
What happened since I last wrote you is this Chrysler LeBaron pulled into the rest stop. It was red with a beige convertible top and the moment I saw it I knew it would be important in my life. Has that ever happened to you P? I’ve heard about how someone will find a dog or see a cloud making some weird shape or discover something random written on a napkin like REMEMBER WHERE YOU LEFT YOUR HEAD and you know it will be like a part of your destiny. That’s sort of what it was like when I saw the LeBaron. It was the first time I’ve ever had that feeling P sort of like when I ice-skated with E for the first time on Duck Lake in Michigan or when I did my first legit headfirst dive off the high dive or my first bong hit in seventh grade with this big tall kid Rabbit Cleveland whose parents were professional hippies and lived half the year in a Winnebago. The LeBaron was sort of like all of that but more intense I shit you not.
Anyway this man got out of the car. There was nothing particularly special about him. He was tall and needed a shave and maybe he was even a little tan but in a natural way. He was sort of old and young at the same time like maybe as old as the Major but maybe a little younger it was hard to tell. He didn’t have one of those potbellies that older dudes get and his hair was sort of long and gray but in a cool way like it was almost silver. I got the sense that he’d been around like maybe he had one of those ancient souls you sometimes hear about. He wore jeans and a beat-up plain black T-shirt and a pair of Chuck Taylors.
He put the hood up and started checking his oil when I walked over to him. I said “Hey” and he looked at me over his shoulder and said “Hey what?” and I was like “You drivin’ east?” and he said he was heading east and I told him how I was trying to get to Memphis and he said “Memphis huh?” and I nodded and he said “That’s not just east. You gotta go south too.” I said I know and then he asked me if I was in some sort of a jam and I said I wasn’t and he was like “If I take you to Memphis what do I get out of it?” and I told him I had money and then he finally turned completely around and looked at me. He was holding a rag that was stained with motor oil. He was taller than I thought too even taller than you P which is tall.
He said “How am I supposed to know you’re not some sorta serial killer?” I told him I wasn’t and he said “You never know about that type of thing.” I went “I’ve never killed anyone” and then he put the rag down and said “You been drinkin’?” and I said “Maybe” and he said “Sure smells that way” so I told him that I’d had a few and he was like “You’re a little young for that don’t you think?” and I went “Are you like my dad or something?” and he said “Not that I know of. You tryin to tell me I should take a blood test?” and I said “No” and he was like “Well that’s a relief” and then he asked me my age and I told him fifteen even though technically speaking I wasn’t yet and he said “Just what I need. An underage drunk on my hands” and I was like “I’m not a drunk” and he said “What are you then a beverage consultant?” Then he dropped the hood on the LeBaron and said “Memphis is pretty far. I was planning on heading due east” and I told him if he could get me to Interstate 55 that I could get south on my own which was true P because I had figured it all out with that atlas.
Then I offered him a hundred and forty bucks and he said “That’s a lot of money. You could open a taco stand with that kinda cash. You ever think about opening a taco stand?” I said “No” and then he asked me if I liked tacos and I said that sometimes I did and then he sort of sized me up but not in a creepy way and said “You just got that backpack?” and I nodded and then he told me to get in and said “But if you murder me I’m gonna have to kick your ass. Deal?” and I nodded and got in his car.
The inside of the LeBaron smelled like lighter fluid and peppermint. He listened to classic rock and rolled down the window to smoke Pall Malls which I’ve heard are like the most powerful cigarettes ever created and it made me want to smoke so bad it was like there was a cat clawing out the inside of my stomach. He had this brass Zippo lighter that he flicked at a lot but besides the radio and the sound of the LeBaron that was pretty much the only noise
for a long time. We hardly talked for a hundred miles P but for some reason I wasn’t tense. I just looked out the window and sort of thought about the past few days and all the weird shit that had happened. I had this sad feeling when I thought about Lewis the she-man and for some reason that made me think about you and how you’re dying and I almost lost my shit but I didn’t because I kept digging the nail of my index finger into the knuckle of my thumb and now I have this total red mark there.
I knew things would be cool when he gave me a cigarette. He offered it without asking. P I know you don’t smoke but I think smokers have superpowers when it comes to other smokers. When he lit me he said “Now don’t go gettin’ lung cancer on account of this.”
After I finished the cigarette I almost asked him for another one but I didn’t want to push my luck. I could tell he was one of those guys who doesn’t like a mooch.
About ten minutes later he said “You smoke like you know what you’re doin’” and I said “I know how to smoke” and he was like “Drinkin’ smokin’. What else you got up your sleeve? You know how to play poker?” I said “No” and he said “You a black belt in karate?” and I was like “I wish” which is true P because if I was a black belt or I had world-class equivalence like Fat Larkin I probably wouldn’t have gotten jumped because my senses would have been mad honed and I would have known those dudes were behind me in the bathroom with that forty of Bud.
We got off the highway near this town called Gothenburg and he asked me if I was hungry and I was pretty starved even though the cigarette definitely helped calm my stomach. There was a Wendy’s just off the exit and as we were pulling into the parking lot he said “So much for watching my cholesterol” and then he asked me my name and I told him and asked him his and he said it was Kent and then he asked if I minded if we hit the drive-through because he said he was on a tight schedule and I said I didn’t mind at all. Man I was acting polite P and I have no idea why. Maybe it was because he was so cool.