by Amy Lillard
Of all the things to be worried about. “I am. The babies are due in September.”
“I’m still not sure how my brother could father a child in his condition.”
Mariana stiffened her spine and her resolve. She would never win with this woman, and she should never try. “A lot of times when people are terminally ill, they have a stretch of really good days. The doctor told us it’s like God giving them a second chance to say good-bye and love all things they love. To enjoy life for just a little bit longer. Leroy had one of those times. And that’s all I’m willing to say about it.”
Linda nodded, but Mariana could see the disbelief in her gaze. Let them think what they want.
“Well, it seems I’m the biggest sensation today, even over Titus Lambert coming back to town, jah?”
“Titus doesn’t concern me as much as you do. Those are my brother’s children you are carrying. Or some say.”
“Linda!” Verna Yutzy picked that time to come up behind the woman.
Linda whirled around to face the older woman. Verna might be little, but she packed an awful lot of power and gumption in her small frame. “You need to keep your ugly thoughts to yourself. I don’t want to have to say something to the bishop.”
Linda’s gaze scraped over Mariana, then landed on Verna. “I’m sorry if I offended anyone.”
Mariana seriously questioned the sincerity of her words.
Without a good-bye, Linda turned on one heel and sauntered away.
“Thank you,” Mariana said, looping one arm through Verna’s.
Verna shook her head. “That woman. She’s just jealous, you know. Since she could never have kids either.”
Mariana had forgotten about that. Linda had been in the childless couple buddy bunch with Mariana and Eileen. Now Eileen was adopting and Mariana was pregnant. That left only three members to that group. And it seemed as if it was getting the better of Linda Stoltzfoos.
“Oh well,” Mariana said. “I guess there goes my invitation to the family reunion.”
Verna smiled. “You’re welcome at mine any time.”
* * *
“Are you sure this is a good idea?” Mariana asked as they drove home from church. Her weeks of being inactive had left her a little weak. She was tired and so ready to be back at home, though she had enjoyed her time out.
“I told you we shouldn’t have gone,” Reuben said. He cast a concerned look in her direction.
“That’s not what I’m talking about,” Mariana said. “Are you sure it’s a good idea for the two of us to get married?”
He frowned. “Why would I think otherwise?”
“It just seems like some people are less than enthusiastic about the idea.”
Reuben gave her another look and pulled the horse and buggy into the nearest turnoff. It led to an Englisch man’s house. Mariana wasn’t exactly sure who lived there, though she thought he owned some type of sporting goods store just this side of Taylor Creek.
Reuben set the brake and turned to face her. “You can’t let those people get to you. This is your life, your babies, and I want to do everything in my power to help you. There’s nothing wrong with that.”
“I know, but it just seems like—”
Reuben placed a hand on either side of her face, holding her gaze steady as he looked into her eyes. “I don’t care what anyone else says. I don’t care what anyone else thinks. I just know that I care for you. I love you, and I want nothing more than to help you raise these children. I think Leroy would be okay with that. Don’t you?”
Mariana stared into his soft green eyes, absorbing his words like a balm to her soul. He cared about her. He loved her. She wasn’t in this alone. She had felt so abandoned, being pregnant and burying Leroy. But Reuben had given her a new hope and a new start, a new chance, a new life after the one she had with Leroy had been destroyed. Was it wrong to want that?
“No,” Reuben answered.
Had she asked the question out loud?
“Mariana . . . I’m going to kiss you now.” He said the words softly and slowly, as if he was giving her time to change her mind. Time for her to tell him no. But Mariana could do neither.
“Okay,” she said. Her gaze still locked with his, their eyes steady. A breath of anticipation hung suspended between them as he moved slowly toward her. Did she need time to change her mind? Should she change her mind? No. She was marrying this man, and one day they would pledge their lives to each other. Just like all the other promises that she had made once upon a time to another. These vows would be different. Somehow she just knew.
Mariana’s eyes fluttered shut as Reuben’s breath brushed across her lips. Then his mouth touched hers, softly, gently, sweetly.
His lips were warm and coaxing. It only took an instant for her to realize that she had never kissed anyone but Leroy Miller. And even then it had been nothing like this. Any doubts she had melted, her concerns evaporated, and all that was left was the honesty and truth of their decision.
His lips moved across hers. Tiny, teasing kisses, then deeper until her breath was stolen from her lungs.
He lifted his head, his green eyes dark with some emotion she couldn’t name, but she hoped and prayed it was the love he’d spoken about.
“Have no doubts, my sweet Mariana. In our marriage, there will be no room for doubt.”
“No doubt,” she said. “Jah. No doubt.”
Chapter Eight
The tingle from his kiss remained with Mariana even after he released her and pulled his buggy back onto the road. If this marriage to Reuben meant kisses like that, she was certain she could ignore anything Gertie Miller and Linda Stoltzfoos could dish out.
She studied Reuben’s face as he drove. Such a handsome man. She was so blessed to have him as a friend. Those blessings would increase when he became her husband and father to the children she carried. So many blessings she had to be thankful for.
“Do you mind if we run by my house real quick? I mean, it’s on the way, so you won’t have to be in the buggy for much longer.” He turned and caught her staring at him. “What?”
“Nothing.” She ducked her head to hide her smile. She felt like a teenager again.
“Okay then.” He cast another look in her direction. His expression was anything but convinced.
Thankfully he let the matter drop as he pulled his horse down the familiar drive.
“I’ll only be a few minutes,” he said as he set the brake on the buggy.
Mariana slid the door open.
“You don’t have to get out,” Reuben said.
“I need to use the restroom.”
The buggy rocked as Reuben jumped to the ground. He came around and helped her down as well.
“Why didn’t you go before we left the Millers’?”
“I did.”
Reuben shook his head. “Come on then.” He helped her up the steps, and once again Mariana was reminded what a wonderful father he was going to be. All at once those countless blessings surfaced again.
They entered the house and Reuben started for the staircase just to the left of the front door. “I won’t be but a moment. I just need to run upstairs for something.”
Mariana nodded and turned toward the back of the house where she knew the downstairs bathroom to be. She took care of her business quickly and was back in the kitchen before Reuben. She figured he would have beaten her back, but instead she wandered around his living space.
It wasn’t a bad house. Smaller than the one that she had shared with Leroy and not quite as fancy. Still, it was a good house with a beautiful front window that stretched nearly from the floor to the ceiling. It let in the bright Western sun.
Mariana could only imagine what it would be like to sit at the little table that Reuben had placed in front of it and read a book. Or her Bible. And it seemed that was exactly what he thought as well. His Bible, a notepad, and a pen rested there, waiting for his return. She would have to make sure when they were married that Reub
en had a place where he could enjoy reading and the wondrous light of the sun.
She ran her fingers over the cover of his Bible, tracing the gold letters on the front. This was his English Bible. She knew somewhere in the house was the German Bible and his copy of Martyrs Mirror, but it seemed nowadays learning to read and speak in German was becoming a lost tradition.
She picked up his Bible and flipped through it, enjoying the flutter of the pages as they went from one side to the other. But it stopped as it fell open to a paper tucked between the pages.
It wasn’t any of her concern and certainly none of her business, but she extracted the paper and unfolded it. It was a letter, in Leroy’s handwriting. A letter to Reuben. Moreover, it was the list of things that Leroy wanted his best friend to do once Leroy was gone. Of course Leroy had left his tools to Reuben, but the letter contained more than that.
Please, please, please, I can’t ask you enough. Please take care of Mariana. She is a good woman and deserves a whole and complete life with a husband who loves her. I can’t be that for her, and I don’t know if she will ever have that again. She’ll need someone to watch after her. Someone to make sure that things at the house are taken care of. That she doesn’t want for anything. I trust for you to do this for me. I know that you will do everything in your power to make sure she’s seen about. I leave this world knowing that she is in your capable hands. She will not suffer loss or neglect as long as you are there to watch after her. Thank you.
Your loving friend,
Leroy
“Mariana, I . . .” Reuben’s words died as he came down the stairs and found her standing there, the letter in hand.
She had thought that Reuben had cared about her. That he wanted to marry her and take care of her babies, but it was all just a promise that he had made to Leroy.
“How could you?” She folded the paper even though her hands trembled. Then she placed it back between the pages of the Bible and put the Bible back on the table, giving him ample time to find an answer.
She turned to face him.
“It’s not what you think.”
Not the right answer. He’d had plenty of time to change his mind, change his thoughts, change something about the situation they found themselves in. And that was all he could say? That it wasn’t what she thought? How could it be anything else? “I want you to take me home now, Reuben.”
He shook his head. “I’m not taking you anywhere until we talk about this. There are things that you don’t understand.”
“I understand perfectly. Leroy asked you to take care of me and so you offered to marry me. It’s pretty obvious.”
“No. It’s not. If you let me explain—”
“I want you to take me home,” she said a second time. She had made a fool of herself in front of her in-laws and the church. But she would be a fool no more. The sentiment was there. And it had been nice to feel loved once again. But it had all been a lie.
“I’ll take you home if you let me explain.”
“I’m walking home.” She started for the door, but Reuben’s words stopped her.
“You can’t walk home in your condition.”
She stopped just short of the front door. “Then I’ll sit in your buggy until you decide to take me home.” She wasn’t yelling; she was simply stating a fact. She wanted to go home, and if she had to wait, then she would wait. But there would be no more discussion on the matter today. If ever.
She slipped out the front door and down the porch steps. Somehow she would keep herself together until she got home. Then, in the privacy of her bedroom, she would let her tears loose. She would cry for the loss she had suffered. A loss of something that was never really hers, but that she had wanted so badly all the same.
“Mariana, wait!”
She heard his footsteps behind her, but she wasn’t waiting, not until she got to the buggy. Then she would wait till he realized that she was serious. She reached up to pull herself into the buggy, her added girth a little awkward. She shifted and something in her side popped. A flash of red pain zinged before her eyes. She gasped.
“What’s wrong?” Reuben was immediately at her side.
“Nothing.” But she was stopped in position. She couldn’t get into the buggy and she couldn’t get back down. Every move caused her pain. More pain than she had ever experienced in her life. Her breath was stuck somewhere between her lungs and her lips. Her foot was still up on the buggy step, her trembling arms holding her in place.
“You keep saying that to me, and one of these days I’m going to believe you.”
“Reuben,” she started, trying her best to lower her foot to the ground. She felt as if she was being torn in half. Every move, every breath was excruciating. The pain took over as she slipped into his arms and out of consciousness.
* * *
“Well now, you gave us quite a scare.”
Mariana looked up as the doctor came into the tiny cubicle. “But everything’s okay?”
He smiled that kindly smile doctors had been giving to overly cautious pregnant women for generations. “Everything’s fine. You pulled a muscle in your side. Probably because you’ve been so inactive. It’s a double-edged sword, as they say. It’s easy to injure muscles that are inactive and suddenly put to use. But in your case, if you’re too active, then you run the risk of other complications. You’re just going to have to be really, really careful from here on out. Complete bed rest. You have at least two more months before the babies get here. You’re going to need that rest, so take it.”
Mariana nodded. As much as she hated the thought of being confined to her bed once again, she knew it was necessary for her and the babies.
“I spoke to your husband.”
The joy Mariana felt in knowing that the babies were fine, that she was going to be fine, was completely overshadowed when he mentioned Reuben.
“He’s not my husband.”
The doctor stared at her, a quizzical frown on his brow. “Somebody needs to tell him that.”
* * *
“Once we get you home,” Helen Ebersol said, “It’s right to bed.”
Mariana faked a smile. “Of course. Story of my life these days.”
Helen patted her hand. “You’re very lucky, you know. It could’ve been so much worse than a pulled muscle.”
“Jah, I suppose.”
But it was worse than Helen knew. She might have a pulled muscle physically, but her heart was broken. How could Reuben do that to her? She had believed him and trusted him. She had thought that he really wanted to spend his life with her. But all he was doing was upholding a promise he’d made to Leroy.
“Are you sure you’re okay?”
Mariana sighed. “I wish people would stop asking me that. I’m as okay as I can be.”
Helen studied her, those kindly eyes seeing straight through all of Mariana’s defenses. “It’s good to be loved, you know.”
It was. She knew that. So why had love been taken from her yet again? She simply didn’t know the answer.
“So is Reuben coming by?” Helen asked.
Mariana turned and looked out the window as the miles passed. Helen had rented a van to bring her home from Pryor. She had wanted to think that maybe Reuben taking such good care of her had changed things. Once he knew that she was hurt, he had run to his Englisch neighbor’s house and had the neighbor drive her to Pryor in his car.
Yet how did that prove his love? Who wouldn’t do that for a fellow human being? No, that didn’t prove anything other than he had a heart. It didn’t mean that it belonged to her.
“No,” she finally answered. “I don’t think Reuben will be coming by.”
“That’s a shame since he already talked to Cephas about getting married to you this fall.”
Mariana’s heart flip-flopped in her chest. She ignored it. “That was before. Everything’s different now.”
“It didn’t seem like he had changed his mind in the hospital.”
“Thi
ngs aren’t always what they seem.” Mariana laid her head against the window and closed her eyes. How she wished that wasn’t true. How she wished everything was like it seemed. She had trusted too much, loved too much, maybe even loved too soon. And now it had all fallen apart.
“If you want to talk about this,” Helen started, but Mariana shook her head.
“There’s nothing left to talk about.”
Helen gave a quick nod. “If you change your mind, you know where I am.”
“Danki.” There was no way she was changing her mind. She couldn’t open herself up for that kind of heartbreak again.
* * *
“I don’t understand what the big deal is,” Clara Rose said at the quilting meeting two weeks later. “They know you’re going to take good care of the girls, don’t they?”
A pale and drawn Eileen nodded. “The grandparents don’t want the children, but they want to make sure that we’re not brainwashing them.”
“Brainwashing them!” Verna exclaimed. She shook her head with a tsk. “That’s the craziest thing I’ve ever heard.”
Almost the craziest, as far as Mariana was concerned. The craziest had happened two weeks before just after church. But she wasn’t letting herself think about that these days. She was going to be fine without Reuben. At least financially. For a while, anyway.
The benefit auction was coming up and she would have some money from that. She had paid into Amish Aid, and they would help pay for the babies to be born, the hospital bills, and anything else that happened to arise. She was Amish and they pulled together. It was just how it worked. But it would’ve been so much easier, so much nicer, if Reuben’s intentions had been pure.
“I’m sure the children will get to come back,” Tess said.
To Mariana the younger girl looked sadder than usual. But who was she to say? She had her own misery wrapped around her like a scratchy blanket.
She didn’t want any of her friends to know how Reuben had broken her heart. She had scoffed that there was nothing between them. Never had been. This just proved it.