by H. L. Logan
My eyes fell to her downturned lips. The lips that I’d kissed. The lips that I was going to kiss again. The lips I wanted to kiss again. My heart thundered against my chest at that realization. Why did I want that? I wasn’t into women—was I?
My eyes roamed down Jessica’s body. She definitely wasn’t bad looking, but that wasn’t why I wanted to feel her body pressed against mine. It’d just felt… good.
Jesus Christ, I had to stop thinking that way.
It hadn’t felt good. Nothing felt good. I felt awful as I watched Jessica walk off the set to complete the scene. Why was I even having these weird feelings? I wasn’t even attracted to her, so why did I want to kiss and cuddle with her?
Maybe it’d just been that long since I’d had any kind of intimacy in my life. Was I that lonely? I needed to find a boyfriend.
“Did you hear me?”
I looked up to see Braelyn waving at me. “You missed your cue.”
“Sorry,” I apologized.
My palms sweated as I approached the set. Oh God, I didn’t want to have to do this with her. I walked onto the rehearsal stage, a lead weight expanding inside my stomach, sinking down to my feet until I could hardly take another step toward Jessica.
“What’re you doing on my property?” I called out as I got closer to her.
“So this whole fancy place belongs to you?” She whistled.
“Yes. And you’re trespassing.”
“Not trespassing if you invited me in.”
“Are you crazy?” The squeaky noise coming out of my throat didn’t sound like my voice at all. “I never invited you in.”
“Because I’ve been so rudely talking and haven’t given you the chance.” She pushed past me, shoulder brushing mine. I couldn’t remember my lines. I glanced at Braelyn, who was smiling approvingly.
I stammered out a jumbled version of my next line. “If you don’t get out, you’re going to be leaving with a boot in your ass.”
She turned sharply, a laugh on her lips. “You seem awfully interested in my ass.”
Fuck.
Fuck.
I couldn’t do this.
I missed my next line and Jessica saved me with a laugh before slipping into her next bit of dialogue. I couldn’t get back into character. I wasn’t Jordan, she wasn’t Tabby. We were Amelia and Jessica, two straight girls who’d shared a weird kiss and cuddle session and now had to work together.
Jessica took a step towards me and I went rigid. I wasn’t hearing whatever garbage came out of my mouth when I opened it. I could only focus on how close she was to me and how much I wanted this to stop.
“Well, I can’t wait for your next invitation,” she said just a little awkwardly. Was she losing character because of how much I’d tripped up, or was she as uncomfortable as I was?
“Can we do that scene again?” The director frowned. “But this time, I want to feel the tension in your proximity. Tabby has come to town and learned Jordan is a young gay woman living a life of solitude. I want to feel that curiosity towards her.”
The way Jessica’s eyebrow raised suggested she really was curious about me.
The second try went even worse. My discomfort had rubbed off on Jessica and we both went through the scene woodenly, barely able to make eye contact. I practically jumped away from her when she brushed past me this time. The director was scowling by the time we got to the end of it.
He pressed her fingers to his temples and asked us to do the scene again. And again. Finally, we moved on after the fifth try.
My heart was in my feet. I struggled through the rest of the rehearsal, knowing how badly things were going. I couldn’t seem to regain my confidence for the rest of the scenes, even the ones without Jessica in them. We hadn’t even gotten to the physical stuff, but I could barely even look at her. By the end of the day, I was exhausted and felt like shit. I was going to ruin this whole movie just like I’d known I would.
When we broke for the day, I didn’t give Jessica a chance to get mad at me for screwing everything up. I grabbed my stuff as quickly as I could and bolted for the bus stop. It was raining. Perfect. Pedestrians bolted for cover, but I just sat there in the downpour because I already felt so awful that being soaking wet wasn’t going to make it any worse. It couldn’t get any worse.
Oh wait, yes it could.
A gorgeous red sports car pulled up and stopped in front of me.
“Hey, do you need a ride?” Jessica asked as the window rolled down.
“I’m good.”
“You’re soaked.”
“I said, I’m good. I don’t want to get your car wet.”
“Sorry, but I’m not the kind of person who leaves her friend at a bus stop in the rain.”
There was that word again: friend.
“Fine.” I got up, suddenly feeling cold and uncomfortable.
I slid into her car and gave her my address, which she punched into a GPS. We sat in silence as Jessica pulled back out into the road. The swish swish swish of the wipers seemed to amplify the tension in the car, ticking off each awkward second. Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore.
“Look, I—” I started at the exact same time Jessica opened her mouth to break the silence as well. “Sorry, you go first,” I said.
She shook her head. “No, you go first.”
“I wasn’t going to say anything.”
“I don’t know what’s making you feel so weird.” She sighed. “This is about that kiss, isn’t it? It’s not something you need to feel awkward about.”
“I’m surprised you’re even acknowledging it, considering you disappeared this morning.” There was more edge to my voice than I wanted there to be. Had I really been that offended?
“Me?” A look of realization dawned on her face. “Oh! I went for a jog this morning. Sorry I wasn’t there when you woke up. I was going to cook you breakfast.”
Could that be true? The thought of Jessica being so thoughtful towards me made something warm roll over me. I decided I had to be honest with her. “I felt weird about what I did. I thought you were freaked out too and wanted to pretend I’d never kissed you.”
“I wouldn’t say freaked out.” She flicked her blinker on and pulled off the highway. “But maybe kissing a woman is a bigger deal than I thought it would be—scratch that—kissing you is a bigger deal than I’d thought it would be. I dunno if it’s because you’re a woman or not.”
Well how was that supposed to make me feel?
Her GPS was leading us closer and closer to my apartment and things still felt just as uncomfortable between us. We were outside the brown brick building when I squeaked out the craziest idea I’d ever had.
“Maybe we just need more practice until it feels comfortable.”
Jessica raised an eyebrow.
Words spluttered out of my mouth so fast I could’ve choked on them. “I mean, I think we both found that kiss weirder than we were expecting. Maybe it’ll take more time to get used to the feeling of kissing a girl.”
Jessica just stared at me, brows closed in, showing she was thinking hard about what I’d said. Oh God, why had I said that? She was going to think I was a weirdo, first kissing her, then trying to lure her into doing it again. Not that I was luring her into anything. I just wanted the movie to go well and that meant working out whatever was going on between us.
She still wasn’t answering. Fuck.
Finally, she turned the ignition of the car off and unclipped her seatbelt.
“Yeah, let’s do this.”
8.
Jessica
“Right now?” Amelia’s eyes went wide.
“Well, when were you thinking about doing it? Do you want to suffer through another awful rehearsal?”
Amelia stared at me, seemingly unable to respond. Poor thing was really freaked out.
“Okay,” she said quietly. “Yeah, let’s do it.” She closed her eyes and looked to be waiting for something. It was only when I looked down to her pursed lips that
I realized she expected me to kiss her.
“I was thinking we could go up to your apartment,” I said.
Amelia’s eyes snapped open. “Oh yeah, of course. Umm, it’s not exactly fancy...”
“I’m sure your apartment is as charming as you are.”
Amelia’s big eyes got even bigger and her cheeks turned pink. I would’ve laughed, except I’m not that mean.
I was right to assume her apartment would be charming. The building was old, but in a way that had character. The elevator rattled as we ascended to the seventh floor where Amelia unlocked the door to her apartment.
“Brace yourself,” she said as she opened the door. “And try not to knock anything over if you can.”
Tiny didn’t even begin to describe Amelia’s living space. Between the stove, the table and the futon bed, there was just enough room for us both to stand without touching one another.
“Wow,” I couldn’t help saying.
“Yeah, I know it’s small.”
“It’s awesome.” It really was. I’d always liked cozy space, and there was something about the place that oozed with Amelia’s personality. The textures of the rough brick walls and polished wood floor together reminded me of her. Despite the limited space, it was extremely tidy, much the way that Amelia always looked carefully groomed. Posters for The Phantom of the Opera and Les Miserables took up most of the available wall space. Above the bed was a shelf lined with rows of books and plays. It really felt like a place you could hide from the world in.
“Hey, you read Madeline Stevens?” I grabbed a hardcover copy of To Swim with Swans off the shelf and turned it over in my hands.
Amelia looked just a little embarrassed to have her personal belongings examined. “I got really into her books after a bad breakup last year,” she said.
“Sorry to hear that.” My heart melted at the broken expression in her face. Whatever happened last year clearly still hurt her. I waited for her to say more about it, but she didn’t, so I just slid the book back on the shelf, adding, “To Swim with Swans was there for me during a hard time in my life, too.”
I realized Amelia was fidgeting with the buttons on her shirt as I surveyed her apartment and I remembered what I’d come up for.
“So…” I walked over to the futon. “Do we just…”
“I guess so.” Amelia approached me, green eyes wide with fear, but I also swore I saw determination in her face. She really was gorgeous. Her soft features contrasted with her drastically short hair and masculine clothes to create a look that was all her. Sure, she could probably get more work as an actress if she sold herself as hyper-feminine like I did, but Amelia didn’t seem like the type of person who was interested in changing herself. She was perfect as she was.
His plush pink lips parted just a bit as she stood right in front of me. I put my hands on her hips and swallowed loudly. She started to lean in to get her face closer to mine, but as she did, she forced me backwards until I flopped onto the futon, pulling her down with me. Her lean body pressed against mine, her legs between my knees. My breath felt hot as it gushed in and out of my chest. Why was this so completely unnerving to me?
As I looked into Amelia’s nervous eyes, I realized there was something in them that resonated with me, and that connection was the reason why I was a mess of sweat and nerves. The thing I saw in Amelia’s eyes, well, it made me want to get closer to her. It made me want this.
I put my hands to either side of her face and pulled her lips the rest of the distance to mine. Our tongues met hesitantly at first. My thumb ran a slow circle over her earlobe to the rhythm of our shy kiss. Amelia pulled away, but only to nip at my lip in a way that brought a moan from my chest.
I was kissing a girl and moaning over it.
My body was so confused as I inhaled her floral perfume. The sensation of her skin against mine made my pulse race, but as my hands grew bolder, the strange curves of her feminine shape kept me from getting too comfortable. My brain kept screaming, It’s a girl! You’re kissing a girl! As if I needed to be reminded.
Woman or not, Amelia was an amazing kisser. Even as we grew more comfortable, she kept a languid pace. Her hands slid up my neck, into my hair and she pulled my lips tight against hers. I felt like I could melt into her kiss. When she let out a little moan of excitement, heat surged between my legs that shut my brain up for good. Apparently my body didn’t care if Amelia was a woman when she had lips like that.
She pulled away slowly, eyes clouded over, lips flushed and glistening. God, she was gorgeous.
“Well…” She swallowed and laughed nervously. “How was that?”
“That might’ve been the best kiss of my life,” I said honestly.
“I’m sure you say that to all the girls.” She snorted, button nose wrinkling adorably.
“No, really. That was, umm, it was a great start.”
“Start?”
“Well, I mean, we’re going to have to get used to a little more than that. You read the script. I don’t need to tell you about the shower scene.”
Of course, there would be no full nudity in the movie, but there would be scenes where we’d have to be very comfortable with each other.
Amelia’s eyes bulged out of her head. “You’re not suggesting…”
“It couldn’t hurt.” I smiled innocently.
Her eyes narrowed suspiciously. “Is this how you trick all those poor unsuspecting actors into bed with you?”
“What? No! I’ve never—” I cut myself off just as I was about to say, I’ve never done anything like this with a co-star before. I’d almost forgotten that Amelia, like the rest of the world, thought I’d actually dated Oliver and the men who’d come before him. I suddenly felt uncomfortable about lying to Amelia.
“You’re right,” she said, taking a deep, bracing breath. “We’re going to have to show some skin in this movie, so we might as well get comfortable around each other now. I really don’t want a repeat of today’s rehearsal.”
Why was I grinning?
“Why are you grinning?” Amelia echoed my own question.
“I dunno. This is fun.” I sat up from under her and stripped my sweater off. “It’s like fooling around for the first time again. It’s all scary and weird and that makes it kinda exciting.”
“Okay, but we’re not fooling around!” Amelia’s face flushed, eyes glued to my tight t-shirt. “We’re just getting used to doing stuff we’ll have to do for the movie. There’s not gonna be any—” She dropped her voice to a conspiratorial whisper. “Not gonna be any funny business.”
I didn’t want to laugh at her, but I had to. She sat there with a scrunched-up, grumpy face as I held my sides and howled.
“Forget it. This is dumb.” She stood, face red. “The whole idea was stupid.”
“Hey!” I grabbed her hand and pulled her back down on the futon. “I’m sorry I laughed at you.”
Our bodies were on top of one another again, lips so close together. It just felt so natural to kiss her. I was getting so used to her body and if I was being honest with myself, I wanted to know more about it—more about her. I wanted to know what’d put that seemingly permanently serious expression on her face, wanted to know what fueled her passion for theatre. I wanted to know what made Amelia Earhart moan.
“Now can we practice that scene?” I murmured into her lips.
“Okay, but no funny business. I mean it this time.”
“Promise.”
I made a silent vow to myself to never laugh at Amelia again. Something about her fragile ego made me think she’d endured a lot of bullying in her life. I knew from being friends with Sara that cruelty like that could stick with you.
“Guess we should head to the shower,” she said looking more than a little nervous.
I felt so much more tenderness toward Amelia as I followed her into her bathroom. There was something so lonely, and maybe even a little broken about her. But she really was sweet and sensitive. She made me want to cud
dle her until she stopped scowling.
If the apartment had been small, the bathroom room was microscopic. We were squished so close in the square foot of space we were practically kissing.
“Umm, do you want me to step out to give you some space to undress?”
“It’s fine.” Amelia swallowed.
“I really am sorry for laughing at you.”
“I’m sorry, too.” She toyed with her earlobe. “I know I have a temper. I get moody. I hate that about myself, but I can’t seem to do anything about it.”
“Hate it? It’s what makes you so adorable. You’re just sensitive and that’s sweet.”
She blinked at me a moment, cheeks turning pink again. She seemed to have lost the ability to speak for a moment, but finally she swallowed and said, “Actually, would you mind stepping out while I get undressed?”
9.
Amelia
Shit! Shit! Shit!
What was going on with me? I took deep breaths, trying to get my pulse to slow down, but it was no use. I didn’t even understand whether I was turned on or scared or both. All I wanted was to feel Jessica’s body against mine again, and yet, in that moment, nothing seemed more terrifying. I’d been fine when we were making out—it was weird at first, but I got used to it—why was I freaking out now?
It was that damned compliment.
It was what Jessica had said and the way she looked at me that made me go all squirmy inside. Why did she have to go and be so sweet? I’d just been getting comfortable with her and now…
My whole body turned hot at the thought of how badly I wanted to get closer to her.
Breath, Amelia, breath. Just take a minute and calm down.
Except I knew we didn’t have much time. Jessica had been checking her watch, and I knew she was worried about her puppy being without her. (A trait of her that had become less annoying and more irresistibly sweet.)
Fuck, don’t think about that. Don’t think about how kind and thoughtful Jessica is! It’s only making this harder!