by H. L. Logan
Maybe he was allergic to dogs too.
When the film moved to the more romantic (okay, fine, sexual) scenes, I felt a twinge of desire as well as an odd jealousy. Those were the things Jessica and I should’ve been doing right now. There was one particular scene where they were kissing in the rain. Normally, I’d be looking at how the water made Oliver’s t-shirt cling to his biceps, but I couldn’t take my eyes off Jessica, or the way she held him passionately as they kissed, the way her hands got lost in his hair.
My breathing sped up as I fought the urge to touch myself. Then I realized—why was I fighting it?
‘You don’t have to be worried or scared about being attracted to me. Just don’t think so much about it.’
My mind went blank as I slid my hands down my pants. I paused the video on a scene of Jessica and Oliver in bed together, except only she was in the frame, looking down as if it were me she was on top of. Both her dimples showed and her sweet blue eyes twinkled with kindness.
I grabbed for the vibrator in my nightstand, teasing it against my clit as I imagined what Jessica and I might’ve been doing if she were there right now. Her hands in my hair, our lips locked together. Ragged breath hitching, giving way to moans. Pressed so close.
All the tension and desire exploded out of me in waves as my muscles shook with my climax. Oh God, I wished she was here.
Her smile filled my vision as I came down from my climax. I buried my face in my pillow, grinning. When had anyone ever made me feel this way?
With perspiration cooling and becoming sticky on my skin, I got up to shower. You can probably guess where my mind went once I was under the stream of hot water.
After I’d dried off, I flopped into bed. Usually this was the part of the day where I’d lay awake, thinking of all the mistakes I’d made and what a horrible abyss my life was, but an odd peacefulness settled over me.
I took out my phone and re-read the last text Jessica had sent to me.
>Jessica: looking forward to it. :)
How could a colon and a parenthesis bring a smile to my face? And more than that, peace to my mind? All the anxiety that usually devoured me was silent. Was this what happiness felt like? I could see why people liked being happy.
I pulled open a browser on my phone and typed “Jessica Black” into a search bar. Photos of her gorgeous smile populated the top of the screen. I clicked through a couple that led me to her twitter account. There was a photo of her in a restaurant with Oliver Colt where she looked just gorgeous, tight dress, winning smile. She really couldn’t take a bad photo. Then I did a double take at the date. A cold chill washed over me. The photo had been taken less than an hour ago.
I read the caption: ‘No place I’d rather be than out with my guy.’
All the happiness slowly drained from me as I stared at his arm around her. So that was why she’d canceled. Somehow, that was a lot less cute than needing to take her dog to the vet. I shut my phone off and flicked out the lamp next to my bed, overtaken by a sudden urge for darkness and silence. I curled up under the blankets.
I guess Oliver had realized his mistake.
12.
Jessica
“We might need to go home if you’re just going to cry into your prime rib all night.” I handed Oliver a tissue as he returned from the bathroom. We’d gone out to dinner at an intimate restaurant to help show the public that he was over his ex, but I’d never seen anyone such a mess.
“Who’s crying around here?” He dried his nose with the back of his hand and downed the last of his large glass of wine.
Somewhere in the restaurant, the flash of a camera went off. I smiled and gave Oliver a quick kiss on the cheek as several more photos were snapped. As much as I hated canceling on Amelia, I was glad I was here with Oliver now. There was no way he could handle this alone. He’d fallen hard for Mel and she’d stabbed him in the back. My heart broke just looking at the broken expression on his face.
“Come on, they got their photos. I think we should go home,” I whispered in his ear, fishing some cash from my purse to cover the bill.
He nodded, sighing. He’d been brave to even attempt to go out. He was at the stage of the breakup where he really just needed to put on a movie, eat a bucket of ice cream and scream at the top of his lungs. We’ve all been there.
He blew his nose on the tissue I’d given him as we walked out of the restaurant and into a waiting cab. I told the driver to take us both to my place. When we finally got through my front door, Oliver let out a long groan and said, “Love sucks.”
“I know.” I sighed.
“Who does that to a person?”
“Assholes, that’s who.”
“Did you read what she’s been saying about me?”
“I don’t fill my head with that junk.” I took his coat from him and hung it in my closet.
He let out another long, frustrated groan.
“Shh, you’re gonna wake up my dog-sitter,” I whispered with a finger to my lips.
“I’m already up.” Sara appeared in the hallway, Cleo cuddled in her arms. The puppy leapt from her as soon as she saw me, and I scooped her up, nuzzling my face into her soft fur.
“I take it things didn’t go according to plan?” Sara raised an eyebrow.
“They went fine.” Oliver sighed. “The vultures got their photos. Mind if I shower and hit the sack? I’m exhausted.”
I nodded. “There should be clean towels in the bathroom. Let me know if you need anything.”
Oliver disappeared into the bathroom and Sara and I were left alone.
“Poor kid.” She shook her head. “Breakups are brutal enough without everyone gossiping about your heartbreak.”
I nodded. “But, hey, while you’re here—I, umm, I wanted to talk to you about something.”
Sara raised an eyebrow. “This sounds juicy.”
“Obviously this stays between me and you.” I lowered my voice.
“You don’t even need to tell me that.”
“I know,” I said, feeling so much warmth towards my friend. She really would take my secrets to her grave. I continued, “So, I guess this all started when Amelia and I decided to do some, umm, practicing for the movie.”
Sara’s eyebrows raised. “This sounds really juicy.”
“Oh fuck off.” I punched her in the shoulder. “All we did was practice some kissing and umm, ended up fooling around a bit.”
“Wow. And?”
“Well, it’s just that I liked it. Really liked it. And now I can’t stop thinking about her. I was supposed to go over there tonight to do it again… and maybe more.”
“So the problem is….?”
“I’m just a little confused,” I said honestly. “Does this mean I’m bisexual?”
“It might.” Sara shrugged. “If that’s a label that’s meaningful to you and helps you to identify your sexuality, then sure.”
“But I’m not really attracted to women. I mean, if I was, how come you and I never…”
“Eww, don’t be gross.” She held her hand up to silence me.
“Sorry.” I laughed. “I just mean, as a general rule, I’m not attracted to women. So what is it about Amelia?”
“Sometimes you just have that connection with someone and gender becomes an afterthought.”
“That’s exactly what it is!” I threw my arms out wide in excitement. “It’s like I just feel so close to her and when I’m around her, I want to express that.”
“And if that makes you feel that bisexuality is a meaningful label to apply to yourself, then use it.”
“Hmm, I dunno.” I toyed with a lock of hair. “Something about it doesn’t seem like it fits.”
“I dated a girl who was usually attracted to men, but liked to identify herself as fluid or heteroflexible.” Sara shrugged. “And I’ve dated other women who didn’t find labels meaningful to them at all. It’s all about what you’re comfortable with.”
“I’ll have to think about it more.”
My brows closed in.
“What will you have to think about?” Oliver re-emerged, toweling his hair.
“Umm, just Amelia.”
“Amelia? Oh, the girl from your movie?”
“Yeah.”
“What about her?” Her eyes narrowed suspiciously. “If she did something to you, I swear she’ll pay for it.”
“No!” I raised my palms. “It’s nothing like that. Amelia’s amazing.”
My face must’ve said everything, because Oliver’s suspicion switched to horror. “Oh, no! Jess, you’re joking.”
“I didn’t even say anything!”
“You have feelings for her.” His mouth fell open.
“Do I?” Sure I liked spending time with Amelia and messing around with her was hot, but did that mean I had feelings for her?
“It’s all over your face!” He practically threw himself at my feet. “Jessica, please. I can’t let you do this to yourself.”
“I’m not doing anything—I mean, Amelia and I aren’t doing anything.” I chewed my lip. “Just a little fooling around. It’s not like we’re dating or anything.”
“Don’t lie to me and don’t lie to yourself.” Oliver’s features became suddenly stern. “You see how brutal my breakup with Mel has been—now imagine that with someone you’re contractually obligated to see every day. See, kiss, and whisper I love you to. Try faking a romance with someone when looking at them fills you with a fiery rage. It doesn’t work.”
“Maybe that wouldn’t happen with me and Amelia.”
“Maybe not, but if you and Amelia are meant to be together, you can at least wait until the filming’s done.”
“You might be right.” I chewed my lip, really not liking the idea of ending things with Amelia before they’d even really started.
“I’m right. Trust me.” Oliver clutched my hand desperately. “Promise me you’ll put some distance between the two of you. For both of your sakes.”
“I promise,” I said, feeling my heart sink. That was the last thing I wanted.
After I made sure everyone was tucked in, I curled into my own bed with Cleo. Had I been kidding myself thinking that what Amelia and I were doing didn’t mean anything? I thought of how I’d feel if Amelia were fooling around with someone else… Not great, to say the least. That jealousy wasn’t a good sign. It made it clear: I had real feelings for Amelia.
I cuddled a pillow to my chest—then stopped—because I realized I was pretending it was her. Oliver was right. Amelia and I couldn’t keep getting closer as long as we had the movie to shoot. A real relationship with a co-star was too much risk. And I realized, now, that a real relationship was exactly what I wanted.
But as much as I wanted to think that Amelia and I could start a relationship that might last forever, I had to be realistic. This was my career on the line. And even more, everything the movie represented was at risk if things between me and Amelia blew up. I hadn’t fought the pressure from my publicist, my parents—everyone—just to ruin this movie.
I sighed, rolling onto my back. I’d just have to put some distance between me and Amelia. We could still be friendly, but no more inviting her over, no more pinching her cheeks, and no more ‘practice’. I groaned at that last one, because honestly, just thinking the word ‘practice’ had me wishing she were in bed with me.
***
I woke to my ringing phone and rolled over with a sigh. I couldn’t ignore my mom’s calls forever.
“Hello?” I said sleepily into the phone.
“My credit card was rejected last night.” Her voice came through firm and awake even though it was only six in the morning.
“Sorry, I must’ve forgotten to pay it off.”
“Are you having financial issues, Jessica?”
“No.” I sat up, rubbing my eyes. “I just forgot. I’m sorry. I hope I didn’t cause you too much trouble.”
“Trouble? I was shopping online and had to reset my entire cart. So yes, I would call that trouble.” She sighed. “Maybe next time, I should buy you a calendar to help with your forgetfulness.”
“I won’t forget again.”
“Are your finances really in order? You know, I wouldn’t have to ask if you hadn’t removed me from your account.”
I winced. Separating my mother from my finances when I turned eighteen had been one of the hardest things I’d ever done, but I couldn’t let her keep indulging her shopping addiction with my bank account. It wasn’t good for her and it wasn’t good for my future.
“What is this indie film even paying you?” Her tone was accusatory. I guess she really did think I’d gone broke.
“They’re not exactly paying me. I’m sort of financing the movie.” I toyed with the hem of my PJ shirt.
“Excuse me?” Her voice was flat. “Did I just hear you correctly? Surely you didn’t tell me that you’re paying for the privilege to appear in this flop.”
“I’ll earn back ten percent of the profits.”
“Profits? Hah!” She was hysterical now.
“Don’t worry about it. I’ll pay off your credit card and I won’t miss a bill again, I promise. I have to go. We start filming today.”
“Just you wait a minute, Jessica—”
“Love you, bye.”
I hung up. It felt awful, but I had to be firm on my boundaries. That was something I’d learned in counseling back when I’d first freed myself from my parent’s firm grip on my life. I’d become pretty depressed at seventeen, feeling like I had no control and no real relationship with my parents.
I didn’t resent my mom. I was grateful that she’d pushed me into acting, even though I’d hated it when I was younger. I had the career of most people’s dreams, and I’d always make sure my parents’ bills were taken care of. But I couldn’t let them steamroll over my life anymore.
I quickly paid my mom’s credit card bill—wincing at the amount of shopping she’d done—before showering and getting dressed. As I ate breakfast, I reminded myself repeatedly that whatever had been blossoming between me and Amelia was over for now. The more I accepted that I could develop serious feelings for her, the more I realized that Oliver was right. I couldn’t put this movie at risk by exploring what I felt for Amelia. I just couldn’t.
There was a buzz in the air when I arrived on set for the first day of filming. I couldn’t see Amelia anywhere. Additional bodies milled around the sets, holding lights and other equipment. Extras chattered excitedly, taking out their phones to snap pictures of me as I walked by. A few asked me to take selfies with them, so I was late getting to makeup. I apologized for my lateness to the team of stylists as they slathered my face with sticky gunk. When I stumbled out of my dressing room, I glanced around for Amelia, but still didn’t see her. I told myself to stop looking for her.
The director was shouting to be heard as he told the cinematographer to adjust the lighting on the set. Despite my disappointment that I’d have to distance myself from Amelia, I couldn't help catching the excitement of the first shoot. The set was a domestic scene. My character, Tabby, was supposed to be having dinner with her mother after coming back to her hometown to take over the family farm in the aftermath of her father’s death.
It took about an hour of telling camera and sound men where to stand and how to move before we were actually ready to do the scene that would only run about five minutes. It was crazy how much preparation had to go into every second of filming. Once everyone was finally in place, it took another three hours before the director felt he’d gotten the shots he needed.
I took a quick walk around the large room, stretching and searching for Amelia. I hadn’t seen her all morning. I guess she figured that since she wasn’t in the first scene, she didn’t have to be there first thing. But still, it made me uneasy.
“Jessica!” The director called me back to the set where I went through the next scene. Anxiety built inside me the whole time. What if Amelia was sick? What if something had happened to her? What if she—
> “Jess, I need you in this scene with me.” The director frowned as he called me out for being absent-minded.
“Sorry,” I said to him and everyone whose time I was wasting by not giving my best performance. My day had sure started with a lot of apologizing.
Eventually, we got through the scene. By now, I’d been on set for almost six hours and we only had two scenes done. But the first days were always rough as the camera crew got a feel for the director and the team learned to work together.
Finally, it was almost time for our first scene together, and I sent Amelia a text.
>Jessica: Where are you?
>Amelia: I’m right behind you.
I spun around, finally seeing her way in the back of the room, pretty much hidden by the swarm of extras. Had she been here all day? I looked down at what she was wearing. Maybe I’d missed her because she was in costume and looked so unlike herself.
There was something about the way Amelia dressed and presented herself that was unusually stiff for her age. Cardigans and suits. But now she wore a casual t-shirt and jeans, her normally gelled hair hanging loosely around her face. It made me smile, but then I heard Oliver’s voice in my head telling me not to fall for her. Geez, couldn’t I just smile at the girl?
She stepped forward to join me on the set and the crew swarmed around us. This scene was supposed to be the front of Jordan’s house. Cool blue lights shed a twilight glow over the veranda as I took my seat on the steps. My character, Tabby, had come to investigate the loner who’d moved into town during her absence.
“We’re rolling!” the director called out.
I sat, chin resting on my hand as I stared up at the make-believe stars. The screen door burst open behind me, actually jolting me even though I’d expected it.
“What’re you doing on my property?” she called out angrily.
“So this whole fancy place belongs to you?” I kept my gaze towards the sky.