by H. L. Logan
But I froze when it was time to hit submit, my finger hovering over my screen. Was it right to be making money from something that was going to hurt Jessica? It felt even more wrong that a small part of me was happy about what I had to tell her. Because Jessica would probably be devastated, and yet all I could think was that if she broke up with Oliver, she could date someone else—like me.
14.
Jessica
“I have to show you something.” Amelia grabbed me after filming, pulling me away from the set. “I don’t think you’re going to like it.”
“What’s up?” My brows furrowed in concern. “Everything okay?”
“Yes—well—no.” She chewed her lip so hard I was afraid she’d bite through it. Her face was white and I realized she was shaking.
“Hey, are you sick or something?” I put my arm around her to help support her, feeling a sigh run through me. Staying away from Amelia was killing me.
“No.” She leaned into me. “I’m just really upset. I—I need to tell you this, though.”
“You’re shaking.” I put my hand to her face just to make sure she really didn’t have a fever.
His cheeks flushed at the contact, but she pulled away. “I’m not sick.”
Well, she certainly didn’t look well. Something was stressing this girl out big time. “C’mere, whatever this is, you can tell me. I know a place where you can relax.”
I guided her away from the people still milling around the set, keeping my arm around her as I led her to the room full of costumes. I tried not to enjoy how close our bodies were. I was just taking her back here to help calm her down, not because I couldn’t resist being alone with her.
“Back here.” I walked past rows of clothes, grabbing some coats from their hangers as I moved. When I reached the row of women’s gowns, I parted them and slipped in behind, throwing the bundle of coats onto the floor and nestling into them.
“What are you doing?” Amelia looked at me like I was crazy.
“This is where I always like to be when I’m upset.” I patted the spot next to me. Amelia looked hesitant for a moment before slipping in and closing the curtain of dresses, secluding us in our own little world.
“I used to hide in dressing rooms when I was a kid and my mom would yell at me in rehearsals.” I squeezed her shoulder. “It feels safe, right?”
“Yeah, it does.” Her body relaxed a bit. I could smell her warm cinnamony perfume and it made me want to scoot closer to her, but I resisted the urge. Barely.
“Now what did you want to tell me?”
“I’m so sorry I have to tell you this.” She pulled her phone from her pocket, tapped a couple buttons, and handed it to me.
I took the phone hesitantly, wondering if Amelia was showing me some bad results from a medical test or something. She looked like she’d just found out she had cancer. When I looked at the photos, it took me a second to realize what I was seeing. When it all clicked together, cold concern washed over me. What the hell had Oliver been thinking?
“Who else have you shown these photos to?”
“No one!” she said quickly. “I mean, I was going to sell them, but—”
“Delete them!” I said. “Now.”
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I know it was wrong of me to think of selling them.” Her hands were still shaking as she deleted the photos. “I hate that I had to tell you this.”
“Hey, it’s okay.” I chewed my lip. It was touching that she cared so much about me, but it hurt to know my lie had upset her so much. I remembered her saying she’d been burned bad by a cheating ex. She seemed like she was reliving all those feelings now. I exhaled a sigh. “Oliver didn’t cheat on me.”
She cocked her head in confusion.
Now that I’d started, I couldn’t help telling her the whole truth. I couldn’t lie to Amelia anymore. “We were never dating. It’s all just pretend.”
The confusion on her face intensified. Finally, she just echoed back, “You were never dating Oliver.”
“I, uh, I haven’t actually dated anyone in a long time. All my red carpet dates—it’s all just part of the show.”
“That’s… completely surreal.” She looked back down to her phone where the image folder was now empty. “How do you lie like that?”
I winced at her wording. “Well, if you want to call it a lie, everything we do as actors is a lie. I mean, audiences want us to spin them a story and convince them it’s real.”
“This is different.” She tucked her phone into her pocket. “You lied to me.”
“I’m so sorry.” I put my hand in hers because it just felt right. “I didn’t want to. Can you understand the position I was in? Sometimes you do stuff for work that you don’t want to, but have to.”
“That’s pretty sad.” She looked at me with genuine sympathy. “I can see what you meant when you said this business wrecks your ability to connect with people in a real way.”
She intertwined her fingers with mine and we sat in silence, something unspoken floating in the air between us.
“I’m sorry,” I said again. “I hate that I betrayed your trust and made you sick over nothing.”
“I’m sorry too,” Amelia said. “Sorry that this is the world you live in.”
She parted the dresses in front of us and exited the safe hiding place without looking back.
I wanted to be relieved that I’d told Amelia the truth, but I couldn’t get past the look in her eyes. It’d been more than betrayal. She’d looked disgusted. I tucked my knees up to my chest and breathed in her lingering perfume. Would she ever forgive me? It didn’t seem fair that she’d fault me so much for something that was just a part of my job.
I sighed. I’d hurt her. That was the only part that mattered. And I had no idea what to do about it now.
***
The next time I saw Amelia was two days later on set. I’d known from the filming schedule what we’d be filming today: the notorious shower scene. The “clothes” I’d be wearing had been left in my dressing room. Tiny beige skintight briefs and strapless bra would be all I’d have on for most of that day. After I’d dressed, the stylist team came in to slather my entire body in makeup and sealant to help keep it from washing off in the shower scene.
I zoned out as the stylists fussed with my hair. I’d been up late thinking about what Amelia had said. She’d been right. My world appeared glamorous on the outside, but what was underneath all the fancy cars and exclusive clubs? Nothing. There was nothing real about my life.
When I saw Amelia on the set, she was clutching her robe tight to her body. I hadn’t even bothered to hide myself with a robe. It would just rub off the make up, and besides, everyone was going to see everything anyway.
I still didn't know how she felt about the day before. My fake relationship with Oliver. My fake life. But when I looked into Amelia’s eyes, I swore I saw excitement. There was something about her face that was so expressive. With a lot of actors, you never knew when the acting stopped, but there was something completely authentic about Amelia.
She inhaled deep breaths as we took our positions on the set, her hands shaking slightly.
“Don’t worry.” I threw her a wink. “We practiced this one, remember?”
Shock and amusement played on her face and she snorted a laugh. Her nerves seemed to subside and she slowly slid her robe from her shoulders, exposing her skin inch by inch. My eyes followed the round curve of her shoulder, down to her protruding collar bone and toned arms. She wasn’t exactly curvy, but her pixie-like frame made her utterly breathtaking. The only thing hiding Amelia’s dignity from the camera crew was a pair of beige briefs and bra identical to mine. I wished we were alone so I could strip them off her.
From behind us, Braelyn shouted, “Action!”
As Amelia began to speak her lines, she never lost that feeling of authenticity. Her emotions felt real. And as I delivered my dialogue, it started to feel real to me, too. There had been times when doing s
cenes with Amelia had been torture, because I’d been trying not to get attached to her. But this moment, right now, felt perfect.
She turned on the shower, sending cascades of hot water rippling down her glowing skin. I ignored everyone around us as I pressed my lips to hers. It was just me and her. None of this sad, fake world.
I kissed down her neck, moaned into her skin, ran my hands through her hair. This moment was what I’d been aching for. She pulled my face back up to her and kissed me ferociously. With all the water between us, our lips slid so easily against one another.
I’d been so lost in Amelia that for a second, I’d forgotten we were doing a scene. I came back to reality with sharp focus, gripping Amelia by the arms and pushing her against the wall.
I breathed into her neck as I pressed into her. I’d filmed dozens of these scenes, but nothing had ever felt like this. It was usually so awkward, but my body moved with Amelia’s in a perfect mimicry of sex. When I leaned into her neck to whisper, “I’m falling in love with you,” into her ear, I felt every hair on her body stand on end. Was this really all just acting?
We did the scene over three times, the pressure building inside of me with each shot. How was I supposed to stay away from her? The day was both exhausting and exhilarating. By the time I put my clothes back on, my mind was reeling.
I had to see Amelia again. I might explode if I didn’t. I had her number in my phone, but it turned out I didn’t need it, because when I stepped out of my dressing room, she was standing there.
She was fully clothed, wearing one of her tidy white dress shirts, hair combed into that slick style that looked distinctly vintage. The girl was something else.
“Hey,” she said casually, as if she hadn’t been standing there waiting for me. Did she think she could play coy with me? I grinned.
“Hey,” I said back. “Think the shooting went well?”
“I dunno. I hope we practiced enough. You know, in case they want to try it again.”
“Yeah, we might not’ve gotten it right the first time.” My grin widened. “I’ve never been with a girl before, so who knows if I knew what I was doing?”
“I think you’ve done enough sex-scenes to know what you were doing.”
“Believe me, nothing I’ve ever done felt like that. You...” I swallowed, trying to keep from saying the words that were pushing their way out of my mouth, but I couldn’t hold back any of what I was feeling for Amelia. “You make me feel a lot of things I’ve never felt before.”
Amelia’s eyes went wide and she stared at me for a moment. She took a step towards me, hesitant at first, but then her gaze dropped from my face, down my body and she licked her lips. She’d kept her distance while she’d thought I was dating Oliver, but now? She looked like she was about to devour me. And I didn’t think I was strong enough to stop her. When she looped her arms around my neck, I knew I should’ve been telling her to stop, that this was a bad idea, but instead I just kissed her. Hard. With no restraint.
We practically fell backwards into my dressing room in a flurry of lips and hands and moans. Everything I’d held back for weeks came pouring out of me as I hurried to shut the door. I ran my hands up Amelia’s sides as she kissed me. I had the sudden urge to strip off her tidy exterior. I wanted to see Amelia messy and panting.
I wanted to go so much further, but Amelia pulled away just as I was reaching up her shirt. She went silent for a minute and I could tell she was thinking about something before she said, “Are you sure you don’t feel this chemistry with all your co-stars?”
Did she really doubt the way I felt for her? All I could do was tell her the truth.
“Amelia, I don’t think I’ve ever felt this way about anyone before.”
15.
Amelia
Ever since I’d found out Jessica wasn’t really dating Oliver, I’d started carrying allergy medication in my wallet on the crazy hope that she’d eventually invite me over. I guess kind of like how guys carry condoms in their wallets on the hope of getting lucky.
Well, I sure as hell felt lucky as I stepped through Jessica’s front door. Her house still had the familiar warmth that I’d experienced before. There was just a good energy in the place.
Her puppy came running up to us as soon as we opened the door and I was glad I’d popped those allergy meds, because honestly, there was no way anyone could resist cuddling that little marshmallow.
Jessica handed her to me and moved into the kitchen. “I figure I owe you dinner before I take things any further.” Her dimples pressed into her cheeks as she smiled. “Hope you don’t mind takeout.”
My face turned hot, and I stuttered out a squeaky, “Sounds good to me.”
The thought of where she might want to ‘take things’ made every cell in my body tingle. I still didn’t know what to make of the fact that she’d lied about being with Oliver, but I knew that being with her made me happier than I’d ever thought possible. And she’d come clean and told the truth. That had to count for something, right?
A small voice inside of me whispered that I was setting myself up to get hurt again. This is Chad all over again. I told the voice to shut up. I couldn’t let myself be paranoid just because I had one bad relationship. Jessica was different. She was the sweetest, kindest person I’d ever known.
And I really, really didn’t want to let her go.
Once we were sitting on the couch in front of slices of piping hot pizza, she suggested watching the movie adaption of To Swim With Swans. “I’ve never seen it, have you?”
“No, to be honest, I was afraid I might hate it since I liked the book so much.”
“Same.” She laughed. “But at least if it’s not good, we’ll have a shoulder to cry on.”
“Look, umm, I don’t want to ask anything you don’t want to answer.” I scratched the back of my neck. “You said you’d read the book when you were going through a dark time. I mean, don’t answer if you don’t want to…”
“It’s fine.” She set down the pizza she’d been about to bite into. “I went through some stuff with my parents.” She looked down at her hands with an expression that was so vulnerable, I couldn’t resist scooting close and putting my arm around her. “I had to separate myself from them financially at eighteen because they were spending us into a hole. It didn’t matter how much I made, my mom couldn’t stop shopping and my dad couldn’t stop gambling. My mother had the impression that because she helped so much with my career, everything I earned was her money.”
“Jesus.”
“They didn’t see why I insisted on keeping my earnings in accounts they couldn’t access. I still want to support them, but I want a future too. They were burning through the money like a forest fire.”
“I’m so sorry.” I stroked up and down her back. How had someone with such horrible parents turned out so sweet and considerate?
“It just sucks because I love them so much, and I can’t stand when they yell and tell me what an awful daughter I am for stealing their money.”
That made my skin turn cold. How could anyone say something like that to Jessica, let alone her own parents?
“I’ve been seeing a counselor on and off for a couple years, and she says I need to cut them out until they can respect me and my boundaries, but it’s hard when you love someone… anyway, sorry to be a downer.” She picked up her slice of pizza and bit into it, speaking around a mouthful of crust and cheese. “We can watch a lighter movie if you want.”
“No, Jess, I appreciate so much that you shared that with me.” I ran my finger along the hair at the nape of her neck. “I realize now that maybe I was waiting to watch To Swim With Swans with someone I could really share it with.”
She stared at me, swallowing her pizza heavily before she pulled me into a kiss. It was slow, gentle, but there was an intense passion to it nonetheless. That connection I always felt when my skin came into contact with hers.
We ate, then watched the movie with Jessica’s head in my lap.
I loved thinking of how many people wished they could be me right now, running their fingers though The Jessica Black’s hair. Except she wasn’t The Jessica Black to me anymore. She was just Jess.
“You know I actually auditioned for this movie?” she said.
“No shit!” I stared down at her head in my lap. “Why didn’t you take the role?”
She snorted a laugh. “They didn’t offer me one.”
“You mean you were turned down? I didn’t know that happened to you.”
“You’re adorable.” She looked up at me, dimples pressed deep into her cheeks.
By the time the movie finished, my head was drooping. It’d been a long day and allergy meds always made me drowsy.
“Do you want to come to bed?” Jessica asked before adding quickly, “I mean, just to sleep. I don’t want you to think...”
She let her words trail off and I wished she’d finished. I wanted to know where she planned on taking this relationship… sexually speaking. Because I’d go anywhere with her… sexually speaking.
I was too tired to broach the subject though, so I just said, “Sure. Thanks.”
She led me into her bedroom which was just as cozy as the rest of her house. All her decorating involved soft carpets, warm colored paintings and extra blankets thrown over the backs of chairs. Nothing in her bedroom seemed overly expensive, but all the colors and textures worked together to give an impression of wealth and good taste.
Of course, I wasn’t looking at anything but Jessica’s body when she stripped her shirt off and let her pants fall to the floor.
“Mind if I sleep in my underwear?” she asked. “I get kinda hot when I sleep.”
You’re kinda hot all the time... I shook my head and stripped my own clothes off, feeling a little self conscious of my less voluptuous frame, but the way Jessica’s eyes followed every inch of skin I exposed made me feel… well, it made me feel sexy.