by H. L. Logan
Finally she sighed, and without looking at me said, “If that’s what you want.”
I couldn’t respond to that, because it wasn’t even close to what I wanted. I just didn’t want her to hurt me again.
I was dizzy as we approached my apartment. It felt like as long as I didn’t get out of the car, I could still take it all back. Tell Jessica I was in love with her, go along with any charade that would let me keep being close to her. The car stopped in front of my building and I found my eyes locked with her deep blue ones. They were so beautiful. For a second, I thought about pressing my lips to hers, feeling her warmth one last time. The longer I stared into her face, the more sure I felt sure she was thinking the same thing.
My pounding heartbeat seemed to fill the entire space of the car. All I had to do was lean in. Take it all back. She could be mine. Even if it was all just pretend.
“Thanks for understanding.” I opened the car door, fresh air breaking the spell between us.
“Yeah, I get it,” she said quietly, staring down at her lap.
“See you on set?”
“Of course.”
I slammed the car door behind me, not really feeling my legs as I found my way up to my apartment and collapsed into my bed. I thudded down hard on the mattress, knocking down a book from the shelf above, which fell against my skull with a painful thump. I rubbed the back of my head and looked at the spine of the offending book. To Swim With Swans.
All my memories with Jessica flashed in my mind, and the warmth of being with her swallowed me up for one unbearable moment. If it had all been fake, how could it feel so good? I’d never felt as happy as I had with Jessica. Could I really go the rest of my life without kissing her? Touching her? Talking to her?
And then I remembered what should have been so obvious: we still had two weeks left of filming. Of course I would kiss her again.
20.
Jessica
I’d barely made it home without pulling over. I felt like I was on the roller coaster again. Sick. Dizzy.
Cleo pranced to the door when I walked in, tennis ball clasped in her little teeth, but when she saw me, she dropped it, her posture suddenly looking concerned.
“Yeah, I didn’t have a great day,” I said, bending down to scoop her up.
I kept imagining that I could just say ‘cut!’ and re-write the scene where Amelia said she didn’t want to be with me anymore.
“What else could I have given her?” I stared into Cleo’s blue eyes. She stared back, blinking. Even though she couldn’t talk, I always felt like she understood me. We curled up in my bed, her snuggling helping to ease my broken heart.
I hadn’t realized Amelia didn’t feel the same way that I did. I’d thought she’d be happy to have our relationship public. But obviously that’d just made her doubt her feelings for me.
‘Especially if one of us develops feelings that the other doesn’t share.’
It hurt so bad, but I knew Amelia was only trying to spare me a broken heart. Too bad she was a little late. I’d fallen hard for Amelia, for her persistence, her sensitivity. I loved the way she dressed and the way she’d subconsciously smooth her hair as she talked. I loved the way she always bit my bottom lip when we kissed. I loved everything about her… I... I loved her.
“Oh, shit.” I closed my eyes, a new wave of loss washing through me. Cleo cuddled into the space under my chin and my breathing relaxed just a little.
I hadn’t even realized how much I’d felt for Amelia until I couldn’t have her anymore. I would’ve done anything to have her back, but I couldn’t force her to love me.
My phone rang, jangling me out of my trance. The caller ID was from my publicist, and I sighed as I answered it.
“You really took my suggestion and ran with it,” she said incredulously. “The internet is blowing up with photos of you and Amelia.”
“Yeah,” I said awkwardly, “Maybe I shouldn’t have—”
“No, it was absolutely perfect!” She’d never sounded more enthused. “I have a contact from Stars Tonight wanting the two of you on their show tomorrow.”
“I don’t know—”
“I already called Amelia and asked her to take part, so I just need you to clear your schedule.”
“Wait, Amelia said she’d do the show?” I sat up, shocked.
“Yeah, she said she’d be happy to talk about your relationship on TV.”
My insides squirmed. What did Amelia plan to say?
“So if you can make time tomorrow—”
“Yeah, I can do it,” I said quickly.
“Perfect! So you need to be at the Stars Tonight studio at noon tomorrow.”
“Yup, I’ve done it all before, I know the drill.”
“This is gonna be huge!” she beamed through the phone.
“Yeah,” I agreed, feeling sick as I hung up.
What would tomorrow have in store for us?
***
I'd never been so nervous in my life as I stood backstage, blinded by the studio lights pouring off the set of Stars Tonight as I waited to be called on stage. I kept glancing around for Amelia, but apparently she was still in makeup. Maybe she wouldn’t even show. I'd been too scared to call her at first, and when I finally worked up the nerve, she hadn't answered. Our relationship was a mess and I had no idea what was going to happen when we got on stage.
I felt a tap on my shoulder, and turned suddenly, but the person standing in front of me wasn't Amelia. The woman was even taller than me, and strikingly beautiful, but with a shy affect. She seemed embarrassed to be approaching me, so I guessed she must be a fan.
“Hey,” she said, clearing her throat. “I hope you don't mind me coming up to you like this.” She extended her hand. “El.”
“Not at all.” I tried to smile for her and shook her hand.
“I just wanted to say thanks for making Real Love.” She seemed to grow even more bashful, glancing down at her feet as she said, “I had a hard time coming out and I want you to know that this movie really means a lot to people like me.”
For one moment, I forgot about the mess I was in and a real smile spread across my face. I pulled the woman into a hug. There was no way she knew how badly I needed to hear that.
I pulled away to see another woman who I vaguely recognized standing behind us. I was pretty sure I'd seen her on the news, and she was some kind of CEO or something. Though it was hard to be sure when I looked at is shirt and saw that it read, “Sorry I'm late. I didn't want to be here.” Would a CEO wear something like that?
“El, quit hitting on Jessica Black.” She snorted a giggle. “We have to go back to the dressing rooms for makeup.”
“We're not pretty enough already?” El's grin turned crooked.
“That's what I said!” The other girl threw her hands up like she'd been arguing the fact to death.
“Thanks again,” El said to me.
“No, thank you. Really.”
“Enough flirting.” The other woman grabbed El by the hand and dragged her away. I couldn't help laughing. They seemed so happy together. It actually made part of me sad, because I'd thought I'd had that too.
I'd been so distracted that I almost hadn't heard the host of the show call my name. Just as I was stepping out onto the stage, I saw her. Amelia. I felt her name on my lips as she walked past me out onto the stage. The cinnamon smell of her perfume hit me and I desperately wanted to pull her into my arms, whisper in her hair, and tell her the truth: I was in love with her.
But what would be the point? Telling her I loved her when she didn't feel the same way would only make her uncomfortable.
I plastered a smile on my face as I followed her out onto the stage and took a chair next to her. The host was a gorgeous dark-haired woman, Tabatha Ashton. I'd met her when I'd been on the show before and she greeted me with a familiar smile.
“So glad to have you back on the show, Jessica.”
“Thank you for having me.”
“And yo
u, Amelia Earhart—is that your real name?”
“Yup.” Amelia fiddled with the pearl cuff link on her charcoal black suit, not really making eye contact with Tabatha.
“So I guess your parents planned for you to be a pilot, not an actress.”
“My parents always encouraged me to follow my dreams,” she said, her tight smile relaxing a little.
“Even when your dreams involve making out with gorgeous movie stars?” she asked with a saucy grin. “Let's talk about those photos that were taken of you two at the amusement park this weekend.”
Amelia's eyes met mine, as if we were both begging the other to answer the question.
“About those photos,” I started, not really knowing where I was going, but feeling the need to say something. “It was just—”
“Just the two of us messing around,” Amelia cut in. “We became friends when we were working on Real Love and it's not weird for us to touch and stuff. It doesn't mean anything.” She put her hand in mine, the contact sending electrical impulses down my spine. Could Amelia be telling the truth? It hadn’t meant anything to her? Since when?
Tabatha raised an eyebrow. “I dunno, I think it's a little weird to kiss your friends.”
“Then I feel sorry for your friends,” Amelia shot back with a grin.
The audience burst into laughter and Tabatha joined in.
“So really, the two of you aren't dating?” She pressed.
Silence.
“No,” I finally said, “We're not dating.”
A sigh of disappointment rose up from the crowd and I felt it echoed in my own heart.
“Too bad. You two would make a beautiful couple.” Tabatha shook her head. “So are you dating anyone right now?”
“Not at the moment.” I tried to keep my smile bright and directed my gaze right at Amelia. “Though I'd like to be. I'd love to have someone who I could share my life with.”
“Any takers?” Tabatha threw out to the audience which erupted with applause and hollering. “And what about you, Amelia?”
“I'm not looking for love right now.” She was fiddling with her cuff links again, keeping her gaze glued to the floor. “I’ve been cheated on before. I’ve been lied to. I’ve been treated as a prop by people who made me think they cared about me.” Her next line felt directed right at me. “So no, I’m not looking to go through that again anytime soon. I’d rather be alone.”
Her words twisted in my gut. Was that really how I’d made her feel? I opened my mouth to say something, but then closed it. I kept my head down, unable to look at her or the audience anymore.
“Well, that's certainly honest,” Tabatha said with just a little awkwardness. The audience didn't seem quite sure what to make of Amelia's confession either. An odd silence fell over the set.
“Well, up next are two women who are definitely looking for love—in each other. I have former BluTech CEO Taylor Lyle here to talk about the high school sweetheart she gave up her empire for.” She turned back to me and Amelia. “Thank you so much for coming on the show. I'm looking forward to see Real Love when it hits the theatres.”
I shook her hand, and maybe thanked her, though I was hardly listening to my own voice. Amelia's words just kept replaying in my head as I watched her walk off the stage.
21.
Amelia
The interview had gone better than I’d expected. As hard as it’d been to go on TV and talk about our relationship, I’d wanted to avoid headlines speculating about me and Jessica dating. I couldn’t bear the thought of having that in my face. Subtly calling her out for being a complete phony had been… unintended to say the least. She’d tried calling me a few times before the interview, but afterwards? She’d barely even looked at me.
I made it through the next two weeks of filming by becoming completely numb. Thankfully, Jessica and I didn’t have many scenes left to film together. Just one. The last day of filming, we were going off set to a nearby ranch.
I told myself not to feel anything when we arrived at the rambling estate. I stepped out of the van to see Jessica, already in costume, ripped, dusty jeans and a plaid shirt that hugged her curves as she moved.
Relief and sadness overwhelmed me at the thought that this would be our last day of filming. After this, I’d never have to see Jessica again outside of promo events where I could keep my distance from her. Was that what I really wanted? Distance?
Of course it was. I couldn’t deal with the strength of my emotions for her. Not when she seemed able to switch her feelings on and off so easily. How did she do it? Was she just that good an actress?
The day started with the crew getting shots of Jessica riding around on a horse. I tried not to watch as she handled the large animal with so much ease. I tried not to notice how gorgeous she was with her long blonde hair blowing behind her. I didn’t want to feel any of the things I was still feeling for Jessica.
I’d been an idiot for idolizing her. I realized that now. Maybe I’d been lying as much as Jess had. Desperately trying to convince myself that what we’d had was real. Telling myself that Jess was perfect, that she would never hurt me. I’d only believed what I’d wanted to believe.
Maybe I’d deserved to get hurt.
The crew finally finished filming Jess on the horse and my stomach twisted into knots because this was the part where we had to do our scene together. I’d have to kiss her for the first time since we’d… broken up? Had we ever really even been together? I sure felt broken up about whatever had happened between us.
I willed myself go numb again as the director walked us through the blocking of the scene. I let my lines roll off my tongue, pretending I was alone in my room, that I wasn’t talking to the person I still wanted more than anything.
The sun was setting, glinting off Jessica’s blonde hair. She pressed closer to me, making me step back until I was pushed against the stable wall. The fruity scent of Jessica’s perfume wouldn’t allow me to pretend she wasn’t there anymore. I looked up into her eyes, my heart aching as I whispered my next line.
“I love you.”
Her warm, soft body pressed against mine, enveloping me with everything I knew I couldn’t have. She pressed her lips to my ear and murmured back, “I love you too.”
My mouth closed over hers and I clutched at her back, holding on to her, to that moment that I knew wasn’t real, but wanted more than anything.
‘I love you.’
I replayed the sound of her voice in my head over and over as I lost myself in her kiss. Her hands slid down my neck, drawing goosebumps from my skin and I melted into her.
‘I love you.’
‘I love you.’
‘I love you.’
I wished I could just say it for real.
Jessica pulled away, blue eyes clouded over, lips glistening. She stared into my eyes, as if she could read every thought in my mind. Would it really be so bad to go back to what we were? Even if I couldn’t be sure what was real between us, at least I’d hold on to this.
“That’s great!” the director shouted excitedly, snapping me out of the moment.
The crew brightened their lights to adjust for the growing twilight, but the director waved a hand. “I think we’re done. That take was perfect.”
A cool breeze rustled my hair as Jessica stepped away from me. I resolved, in that moment, not to grab her back. What we’d just shared—everything we’d shared—had just been an act. Part of the show. I had to let go.
***
It was weird to wake up Monday morning and have not have to hurry off to the bustling studio. No makeup crew to fuss over me. No last-minute script changes to memorize. No filming. No Jessica. It was all over.
In two months, I’d have to fly out to Rosebridge, New Hampshire to attend the premiere of Real Love at IndieFest, but until then, there were just a handful of interviews I had to attend—without Jessica, thankfully.
So what now?
A week after the last shoot ended, I was sitting at
my table, trying to budget out how to make my final paycheck from the studio last through the month, when my phone rang. I stiffened. Could it be Jessica calling? Would I answer if it was? I looked at the caller ID. A number I didn’t recognize.
“Hello?”
“Am I speaking to Amelia Earhart?”
“Yes,” I said hesitantly.
“This is Alex Bainbridge from Western Talent.”
“Okay?”
“I’m contacting you because our connections in the business could really help someone with your talent and I’d like to invite you to sign on with us.”
“Wait, are you an agent?”
“Yes Miss Earhart, I thought that was clear.”
“I just... umm, wow. I’m surprised you’re contacting me.”
“Why don’t you come into our office this week and we can discuss a potential contract?”
I felt like I was dreaming as I set up the meeting with the talent agent. Four years of struggling and I’d never booked an agent. Now they were calling me. Was this the start of a whole new life?
I burned with excitement when I got off the phone, but then a pang of sadness hit me, because my first urge had been to call Jessica to tell her about it. Why couldn’t I stop thinking about her? She was a jerk. She’d used me, treated me like I was disposable. Made me feel like I was nothing to her.
I couldn’t ever let that happen again.
Instead of calling Jessica, I called my mom, who was so excited she could hardly breathe.
“I don’t know if I’ll be able to come to the screening premiere of Real Love,” she gushed. “I might actually die of joy!”
I laughed. “Well, I’d love if you could make it.”
“I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”
“Sorry, I’m getting another call,” I said, looking at the unknown number on my phone.
“Better take it! It’s probably another agent trying to snatch you up before you become a big star.”