“I swear.”
I sigh deeply, crumpling to the floor beneath me.
“I can’t live without her.” I whisper. “I can’t physically exist without her.”
“You might have to.” Audrey reminds me, crouching down in front of me.
“I can’t and I won’t.” I promise her, pulling myself up onto my feet. “I’ll never give up searching. I’ll never accept the fact that she’s gone. I’ll hunt her down forever if I have to.”
“Zack, she doesn’t belong to you. She’s not an animal you can track down and capture.”
“She is mine.” I snarl, lowering my voice once more. “And you can tell her that from me.”
I shove her out the way and get into my car, my tyres screeching against the asphalt as I speed away.
I search everywhere, deciding to revisit our favourite spot as well as the hotel we went to for her birthday. I try a couple more places before realising its pointless.
She’s really gone.
I’m not proud of what I do next, foolishly deciding to go and drown my sorrows in the nearest bar I can find.
I need to feel numb again.
I want it to consume me like it did when I came home to an empty apartment. I crave it and don’t give a shit if alcohol is the only way I can feel that again.
God knows how many hours I spend drinking, knocking back the vodka like its water. I deliberately ignore everyone around me because the only face I see is hers.
Samantha brought me to life and makes me feel alive. I'm not afraid to admit that my love for her has become an obsession. I'm addicted to her and the compulsion to be with her has now consumed me entirely. She thinks I'm going to let her walk away from me. She actually believes I would actually let her go after the torment that I've been through just to keep her. She's severely deluded if she thinks I'm about to admit defeat and let her walk away. Screw the fact that it might be wrong or unhealthy... I'm willing to do everything and anything in my power to make sure I keep her...
Even if that involves something she doesn't like.
She can run but I will always find her. Samantha is mine and no one is going to take her from me...
Chapter Eleven
Samantha
Two years later…
“Thank you so much.” The nervous young woman says, smiling bravely. “You’ve been such a great help to me these past few weeks.”
“There’s no reason to thank me when you’ve been making so much progress.” I remind her, making my way down the corridor as she follows.
“But I really am grateful.”
“I know you are and I’m so proud of you for the progress you’ve been making.”
“So… same time next week?” She asks, sounding hesitant.
“I’ll be right here.” I assure her, opening the door she can walk through it.
I watch her walk down the street for a few seconds before I head back into the office, greeting my manager as I enter.
“How do you think things are going?” She enquires, referring to the woman who just left.
“She’s doing great.” I respond truthfully. “She’s made so much progress already.”
“That’s all down to you, Sam. You’ve made such a difference since you’ve been working here.”
I can feel my cheeks turn red, embarrassed by the amount of praise she’s been giving me since I started working here as a volunteer counsellor.
“I’d like to think so but don’t think I can take all the credit for her improving. She’s made some big changes and is really trying.”
“You should still be proud of yourself. You’re a positive influence and I’m so glad you’re a part of our team.”
“Thanks, Liz.”
I really hope I have made some sort of difference to the women who come here and want our help. They’re mainly the victims of sexual abuse and phone our helpline when they don’t know who else to turn to.
I’ve been volunteering here for several months now and hope I’ll get an interview next month when a position is made available. I did all of my training here and just hope the fact that I’ve made a real commitment to the organisation will pay off in the end.
“What time did you say you had to be out of here?” My manager asks, causing me to check the time on my phone.
“God, I completely lost track of time! I should have left half an hour ago.”
I grab my handbag, checking I have my purse and everything else I need before I go.
“Where’s he taking you tonight then?”
“He won’t tell me. He said it’s a surprise.” I say, rolling my eyes in a playful manner.
“That’s so sweet.” She gushes, practically swooning. “You need to hold onto him, Sam.”
“It’s our one year anniversary tomorrow so it is a special occasion.” I explain, placing my handbag on my shoulder.
“You don’t think he’s going to propose, do you?”
She’s still seated behind her desk, her eyes sparkling with excitement.
“No! No, of course not. It’s far too soon for anything like that.” I inform her, trying to ignore the fear building up inside of me.
“I wouldn’t be too sure, Sam. You have been together for a year now, it’s a long time.”
“I guess...”
“By the look on your face I’m take it you’re not ready for something like that?”
“I best get going.” I blurt out, desperate to bring an end to this conversation. “See you later.”
“Sam, are you ok? I didn’t mean to upset you. I was only joking about Ian.” She apologises, calling after me on my way out.
“I’m fine, Cheryl. I’ll see you on Monday.”
I race out of there, calling a taxi as I make my way down the high street. I can’t stop my thoughts from racing, swirling around inside my head. They’re threatening to consume me and there’s nothing I can do about it.
I make it home in fifteen minutes, stumbling out of the taxi so I can get inside my house.
I need to feel safe.
I need to close the door on the outside world and know I’m secure.
I need to forget.
It takes a hot bubble bath and a steaming cup of coffee to make me feel better. It’s been an hour since I got home and I need to let Ian know that I’m going to be late this evening.
I text him, asking him to postpone our meal and then switch my phone off. He’s bound to call me straight back if he thinks something is wrong and I can’t face a conversation with him right now.
Not after today…
I know the idea of being engaged is something most women would be ecstatic about. I also know it’s something you’re supposed to anticipate and look forward to but it’s not like that for me.
It never has been.
Not since him.
Jumping up onto my feet, I grab my phone. Switching it back on, I ignore the texts which Ian has already sent me and phone the only person I can talk to. The one person who knows my history and the only one I can confide in.
“Hello?” My friend answers, greeting me warmly.
“Audrey, it’s me.”
“I know it’s you, Sam. Your name came up when you rang.” She chuckles, teasing me playfully.
“Of course it did.” I reply, raking my fingers through my hair as I start pacing back and forth.
“Is something wrong?”
“N-no, well… yes.” I stammer. “Sort of.”
“Care to elaborate?”
“I think Ian is going to propose to me tonight.” I admit, staring out the window which looks out on the back garden.
“Sam, that’s wonderful!”
“Is it?” I ask, sounding doubtful and uncertain.
“I take it you’re not happy about it then?”
“I should be, shouldn’t I? We’ve been together for a year now and everything is going well. I should want this.”
“But you don’t.” She says, waiting for me to confirm this.
“That’s right.”
“Is it because of…?”
She doesn’t complete her sentence, reluctant about saying his name out loud.
“Say it.” I encourage her, needing to hear it. “You can say his name.”
“It’s just that you’ve never wanted me to mention him before.”
“It’s been two years.” I tell her. “Two years and I still dream about him every single night. How is that possible, Audrey?”
“Because you still love him.”
I sigh deeply, realising she’s right.
It’s always been him…
“When will it go away?” I ask her. “When will it stop hurting?”
“I don’t know, Sweetheart. Maybe when you finally let him go.”
“And what if I can’t? What if my heart won’t ever let go of him?”
“Then you won’t find peace.” She concludes, emphasising her point clearly.
“God, this is such a mess.” I groan, slamming the palm of my hand against the window in front of me. “I don’t even know where he is now. I don’t know what he’s doing or who he’s with. You haven’t heard anything from him, have you?”
“The last time he made contact with me was a year ago. I haven’t heard anything from him since then.”
“And he was still looking for me then? Twelve months ago?”
“Yes.” Audrey confirms, lowering her tone of voice.
“Why didn’t you tell me any of this?”
“Samantha, you made me promise that I would never mention him to you again. I made sure I kept that promise.”
“So what do I do now?”
“Only you can decide that. However, you know it isn’t fair to stay with Ian if he’s a consolation prize. If he’s not who you want to be with then you need to end things with him for good.”
“He’ll be devastated.” I whisper, closing my eyes so I won’t think about it. “I don’t want to hurt him.”
“You’ll damage him a whole lot more if you let him think he has a future with you when he doesn’t.”
“God, we’re supposed to be going out tonight so we can celebrate our anniversary. How can I break up with him tonight?”
“Whether you do it tonight or tomorrow, it’s still going to hurt him. That’s inevitable.” She points out, forcing me to realise this.
“I guess I better go.”
“Stay strong, Sam. I’m so proud of you.”
“Thanks, Audrey. You’re such a good friend.”
“And you’re a good person.” She adds. “Don’t lose sight of that.”
I decide to get ready and go ahead with my plans tonight. I can’t let Ian down and don’t think I have the strength to break things off with him on our anniversary.
My plan is to go ahead with our meal tonight and deal with how I’m going to end things with him tomorrow. I’ve only just got my head around the fact that I can’t lie to him anymore, I can’t be with him and pretend that everything’s alright when it’s not. It’s not fair on either one of us to drag this out any longer.
While I get ready for our date, I can’t help but reflect on how we met and how we came to be together. The truth is, I never thought I would meet anyone after I left Zack two years ago.
I ran away from him because I was scared. I was terrified of losing him and didn’t know how to save us.
I’ve had to live with the knowledge that I left him ever since. I deserted him when he needed me the most and have been struggling with the guilt of that every single day.
I wasn’t strong enough and that’s why I walked out on him. I let my jealousy control my choices and that’s something I’m going to have to live with forever.
Audrey was the one who helped me escape, providing me with a place to stay when I first ran away. I stayed with one of her friends who had a spare room and accepted the job she found me a couple of months later.
The money my father left me in his will has been such a blessing, granting me most of the opportunities I’ve been given. I can only hope it’s done the same for my brother and sister, wanting them to have the same privileges that I have.
I haven’t spoken to either one of them for two years now, realising my brother must have listened to the lies my mum had told him. We’ve never been close but it still hurts to know I have another sibling who thinks so badly of me. He’ll be twenty-one now, graduating university and moving forward with his life. I doubt I’ll see either of them again and have somehow managed to make peace with that.
My father’s money helped me to move away once I found a small place of my own and that’s when I met Ian. He’s twenty-nine now, making him three years older than me. He’d just inherited a couple of houses from his grandfather who passed away right before I met him. I was interested in renting one of Ian’s properties and he was there to show me around.
Later on that night I received a phone call from Ian. He told me he couldn’t stand the idea of me staying in such a rundown area and offered me one of his other houses instead. He told me it was in a nice area and he would feel better about me staying there on my own.
I have to admit that I was a little surprised about his concern, wondering why a man I didn’t know would be so thoughtful.
I did agree to him showing me the second house and fell in love with it as soon as I saw it. I could imagine myself living there and making it my home.
Two years earlier…
“You really like it?” Ian asked, leading me into the main living room at the front of the house.
“I really do.” I said, making my way to the large bay windows. It’s actually perfect.”
I could hardly contain my excitement. The property was ideal and I just felt like it was meant to be mine.
“Well, it’s yours if you still want it.” He offered, watching me with a bemused expression on his face.
“Of course I do, I just don’t think I’ll be able to afford the rent. It has to be more than the first house you showed me?”
“It’s the exact same.”
“But how is that possible? It’s much bigger, completely furnished and the location is perfect.”
The suburban neighbourhood was idyllic with its white picket fences and pristine hedges. I could hardly believe my new landlord was offering it to me for the same price as the first house he showed me.
“Can’t you just accept that it’s the same price?”
I turned to face him, frowning when I figured it out.
“I don’t want preferential treatment because you’re feeling sorry for me.” I told him, speaking sternly.
“Hey, please don’t take any offence. I simply didn’t feel right about you renting out my other place. It’s rundown and needs a lot of work on it. The area isn’t great and you deserve somewhere like this instead. It really suits you.”
“And how would you know what suits me?” I challenged him, folding my arms across my chest.
“I just have a feeling.”
“You don’t even know me.”
“So give me a chance to.” He suggested, walking towards me.
My heartrate sped up, forcing me to take a step back. Ian was exceptionally good looking but I couldn’t allow myself to go there. I’d only left Zack two months before and was nowhere near ready to start anything with someone else, let alone my landlord.
“Aren’t I supposed to be the one trying to impress you?” I responded, trying to slow down my breathing.
“You already have.” He murmured, staring down at me intently. “Why do you think I called you to come and look at this place?”
“Listen, if this is your way of trying to ask me out then you can forget it.”
I pushed him aside and tried to leave, startled when he placed himself between me and my exit.
“That would be very unprofessional, wouldn’t it?”
“Yeah, it would.” I validated, averting my gaze from him.
“And what exactly would you say if I did?”
“Did what?�
��
“Ask you out.”
“Then I’d say no.” I confirmed, making sure he knew I was being serious.
“Boyfriend?” He enquired, raising his eyebrows at me in a flirtatious manner.
“No.” I whispered, fighting back my tears.
“Girlfriend? Because I’m totally ok with that.” He smirked, causing me to smile myself.
“This is completely inappropriate!” I chastised him, throwing my arms in the air with frustration.
“And yet you’re still here.”
“Because I love the house!” I exclaimed loudly. “Not because I want you to hit on me.”
“Ok, ok.” He said, holding his hands up in surrender. “I hold my hands up and admit that you’re a gorgeous girl I couldn’t stop thinking about last night. I wanted to see you again and thought you weren’t too keen on the first property I showed you. This one is much nicer and it suits you. I can really see you living here and I know you want it. Can we please try and ignore the fact that I have a slightly inappropriate crush on you?”
I narrowed my eyes at him, trying to figure out if he was being genuine or not.
“You really think you can do that?”
“Absolutely.” He replied, nodding his head. “Now let’s talk business.”
Present day…
I suppose that’s how it all started. I moved in and gradually got to know him, realising along the way that I did in fact like him. Of course my feelings for him didn’t compare to what I once had with Zack but Ian was a kind and attractive man, he also made it obvious that he was crazy about me.
With Ian it was easy, uncomplicated and there was no heartache involved. He helped me forget and my attraction towards him developed as time went by.
We still don’t live together but he stays over every now and then. I’ve been adamant that I still wanted my own space and independence, refusing to accept that he should just move in because he owns the place.
God knows what will happen once I tell him our relationship is over. He’s bound to ask me to move out at once and I’ll be forced to say goodbye to the place I now think of as home.
I sigh, deciding the only thing I can do is finish getting ready. I’ll face the consequences of my decision tomorrow but tonight… I just want to forget.
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