Kink Aware (Kiss of Leather Book 9)

by Morticia Knight

  Neal crossed his arms, giving Ray a smirk of his own. “Then maybe Liam’s tenacity is an indicator you need to do something about what has been obvious to everyone else—including Cruella—for quite a while.” Neal relaxed his posture then dragged a hand across the top of his head. “Look, man. I know it’s not easy taking a chance, not knowing if you’ll be rejected or not. But it’s been a few years now. Don’t let Gianni’s bullshit get in the way of something that could be good for you both.”

  Ray went back to working on his gun, pressing his lips together as he tried not to allow the truth of Neal’s astute observation to cut through him. “It’s not just that. I don’t want them to think…” He sighed. “I dunno. That maybe my attraction is based on my ex, rather than them as an individual.”

  When Neal didn’t respond right away, Ray glanced up to find Neal regarding him with a frown.

  Ray frowned. “What?”

  “It never crossed my mind you were thinking such a thing. I figured it was all about not wanting to get hurt after all that shit Gianni laid on you.” Neal crossed his arms again. “Do you feel that’s a possibility? That all you’re hot for is the fact that Gianni was similar in looks to Cruella, but not Cruella themself.”

  Ray laid the gun down before he dropped it again. He didn’t see the point in continuing with sterilization under the circumstances. The way their conversation was going, he’d be doing more dropping than cleaning anyway.

  “To be honest, I’ve given it a lot of thought and I don’t want to do that to anyone. Especially since Cruella’s been through so much. And I’m not gonna lie, I was attracted to their looks first thing.” Ray sighed. “But in the time I’ve gotten to know them, I’ve had the opportunity to mull all this over. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being turned on by someone’s looks—that’s natural human behavior. But if that’s all it’s about, if the person doesn’t matter, then that’s where things take a left turn. If I can’t get off with anyone other than a particular type, then yeah, I would’ve thought I’d be edging into that territory. But Gianni was the only guy I was ever with who wore makeup, feminine stuff. And he didn’t identify as genderqueer or enby. This is legit the first person I’ve wanted who doesn’t identify as male or female.”

  “Does that part bug you?”

  Ray scrubbed his face with both hands. “Not so much bugs, as surprises me. Which makes me feel like an asshole, but I gotta keep it real. If I want to start something up with Cruella, it has to be all about the honesty.”

  “Cool, bro. Good attitude.” Neal snorted. “You know how I am regarding complete truth between partners.”

  Ray had to laugh. He’d never been into the whole BDSM gig that Neal enjoyed, but he’d picked up a lot about the lifestyle from him over the years. As a Dom, Neal was all about strict honesty. While Ray had never indulged, Neal’s rule had been one of many tenets of the lifestyle he was on board with.

  “Yeah, I know.” Ray sighed. “I was actually just about to ask them to grab a coffee and broach the idea of us, you know, maybe hanging out and seeing what happens, but your fiancé walked in right then.”

  Neal groaned. “Oh man. Liam will be kicking himself all night about that. He’s been team Rayella for months now.”

  Ray dropped his jaw. “Wait, what? He’s been shipping us?”

  Neal covered his mouth with one hand as he laughed. “I was sure you knew that already. If nothing else, I want you to go out with Cruella so he can find something else to obsess about.”

  Ray dropped his head in his hands. What the hell. It’s no big deal. All they can do is say no, right?

  If only his twisting stomach and pounding heart believed him.

  Chapter Two

  Cruella stood before the mirror in the crappy, tiny bathroom of the studio apartment they shared with Big Boy Bob, one of Rogue’s longtime customers. They’d sworn Bob to secrecy ever since they’d started crashing on his floor. Making enough cash to survive on their own in LA was next to impossible. Before they’d started living with Tucker, they’d had their own place and had been making decent cash from modeling jobs. However, Tucker had taken over every aspect of their lives, controlling them. Keeping me prisoner.

  The last thing they wanted was sympathy or pity from everyone at work. And really, it wasn’t that big a deal. Staying in a shitty apartment with someone who was nice to them was a helluva lot better than paying for random nights at an even shittier motel, sleeping in the streets or living with the motherfucker who left more bruises than kisses on their face.

  Cruella applied a magenta lipstick on their mouth that Elliot, the head chef at Kiss of Leather, had asked them to sample. One of Elliot’s Masters, Tai, had begun his own cosmetics company and needed testers. Since Cruella could barely afford the high-end cosmetics they preferred, and Tai’s makeup was cruelty-free, they’d been thrilled to accept. All they had to do was wear the products then fill out a feedback form once a week.

  They smacked their lips, loving the shade and feel of the lipstick. The product promised a few features that Cruella loved—long-lasting, no smearing and it would moisturize their lips with all-natural, chemical-free ingredients. Pleased that their mouth was outlined perfectly, they began to fuss with their long, dark hair. The platinum streaks that had once lined either side of their face had given way to a deep purple dye that added more of a highlight to their hair than a stark contrast.

  Even though the white stripes had been a signature feature since their high school days, they had wanted a new look to go with their new beginning. Being that their skin was so pale—an almost porcelain shade—darker colors were more attractive, in their opinion. It has nothing to do with trying to get Ray’s attention. At least not much. They’d wanted to make a change anyway, but the thought had occurred to them that maybe the new look might catch Ray’s eye.

  They ran a dab of product through their hair in an effort to keep the strands from falling completely flat along their forehead and temples. Once they were satisfied, they then attempted to view their outfit from the back. It was a futile effort using the tiny bathroom mirror. What I wouldn’t give for a full-length one. The bearish Bob didn’t go in for such things.

  Instead, they made do with running their hands down the shiny, black pleather leggings, smoothing them out. They verified that they disappeared neatly into the above-the-knee, black suede boots. The chunky heel would make it easier for them when they worked the ropes during their class at Kiss of Leather that night, which was also why they’d opted out of any skirts or dresses. Although, what they wore at any given time was more driven by what appealed to them rather than any other consideration.

  As they did up the snaps of a slim-cut, purple satin shirt with long sleeves, they ran a mental checklist of all the things they would need that evening for the shibari class they’d been participating in for the past three weeks. They wouldn’t have enough time to take the bus back to the apartment after work, so they’d have to go straight to the club with whatever they needed. The class consisted of eight sessions in total, and no one except Liam knew they were going. The students used a side entrance then would take the stairs down to the closed demonstration room. If it hadn’t been for the flyers advertising the class that Neal had brought to Rogue, they might never have set foot in Kiss of Leather.

  Or considered such a class.

  They’d always loved the beauty of shibari. On one photo shoot from when they’d still been modeling, they had been tied in various positions. While being restrained had freaked them out and they’d barely made it through the job, the resulting images had been mesmerizing. So when the opportunity had presented itself where they could be the one creating the designs, that they could control the other person, the idea to go to the class had taken hold.

  And I got to meet Elliot.

  They grinned. Running into him had been fortuitous. After their first class, they’d been leaving at the same time as Elliot, and the cook had complimented them on their look
. He’d then asked if they’d be interested in trying out cosmetic samples. When Cruella had agreed then gone to the small factory downtown, they’d been impressed with the operation. Cruella had also taken to Elliot’s Masters, Tai and Lucas, right away. They were great people, and Cruella adored how sweet and loving they were with one another.

  Someday.

  Tucker had almost beaten the joy of love out of them, the wish for a loving partner to share life with, but ultimately, the bastard hadn’t succeeded. Liam and Neal had been a big part of their continued hope. They were able to observe on an almost daily basis what a healthy, committed relationship looked like.

  As they checked their reflection one last time, their thoughts drifted to Ray. He might not be the one, but if they never tried, how would they know for sure? Maybe today would be the day they’d take the plunge and ask Ray out.

  Maybe.

  Ray paced in his work area at Rogue. Back and forth, back and forth. From the antique medical cabinet that held his inks and equipment, to the edge of his large sectioned-off work area past the inking table. Rogue wouldn’t open for business for another fifteen minutes and no one else had arrived at the shop yet. No customers, no employees.

  No Cruella.

  No one to witness him coming unraveled.

  He ran a hand over the long hair that hung from the top of his head and off to one side. The other side was shaved, the brown hair not a spectacular color, but he was more interested in letting the tats that covered a large part of his body and limbs be the statement of who he was and what he was about. After he got one of his chunky, silver rings caught in his hair, he growled his annoyance as he yanked it free. He then switched to rubbing his bearded chin instead.

  No big deal. It’s no big deal. Keep it chill, keep it casual. No big deal.

  Ray dropped onto the rolling stool he used when he worked then crossed his arms to stop his hands from fidgeting. He’d gotten to the shop earlier than usual to get himself grounded before Cruella arrived. They had the day shift and always arrived early anyway—the perfect set-up to speak to Cruella without anyone else around.

  I hope.

  Ray started, almost falling off the back of his chair at the sound of the front door ringer. Oh God. They’re here. He jumped to his feet, took a deep breath while admonishing himself for acting like a nervous cat then marched down the hallway to the open stairs that led to reception. He paused at the top, sucked in another breath then gripped the iron railing as he trotted down the steps.

  Ray swallowed hard, almost stumbling a few paces from the bottom when they caught sight of Cruella. Holy mother of God. His gaze didn’t know where to land—the upside-down heart-shaped ass, the long, lean legs encased in sinful suede boots or Cruella’s wavy, dark hair that hung down their back, almost reaching their waist. Cruella turned around and their eyes met.

  Yes. The eyes.

  Cruella’s kohl-lined eyes stared up at him, the green irises highlighted by flecks of gold, framed by black lashes, making their whole face light up. Ray quickly broke the connection so he could reach the bottom of the stairs without stumbling. Shielding himself behind one of the high-back chairs Liam had purchased for the waiting area was crucial. Half the time when Ray would make himself scarce around Cruella, it was to hide the constant hard-ons they inspired in him.

  “Good morning, Ray.” Cruella’s voice could probably hypnotize him no matter what words they used.

  “Good morning.” Once he was safely concealed, Ray lifted his gaze. The meticulously prepared opening line he’d rehearsed flew out of his head, however. Shit. But there was no time for regrets. He had to surge forward to keep from losing such a perfect opportunity. “So, I, uh…”

  The sight of Liam and Neal strolling down the sidewalk toward the entrance jerked Ray out of his Cruella-induced trance.

  He whipped his head around to face them again. “Would you like to get some coffee after work tonight?” His words had tumbled out so fast, he wasn’t entirely sure he’d covered all the pertinent points. It’s coffee, dude. Calm down. “You know, with me?”

  Cruella’s lips parted, the tiniest hint of their pink tongue peeking out from between their teeth.

  Jesus, help me. I won’t survive this. “Or…a drink?” He winced. I’ve never seen them drink. What if that’s not cool to them? “Or…” He shoved the hank of hair hanging down one side of his face behind his ear. Fuck me. “Anything you want, really.”

  Ray barely had the chance to groan out his embarrassment at how pathetic his last sentence had been when Neal pushed through the door with Liam in tow, their fingers twined together, laughing about a mystery subject shared between them. Neal caught Ray’s eye then came to an abrupt halt, his brow furrowing. Liam slammed into Neal and Ray noted how red Cruella’s face had become.

  Neal gazed at Ray with concern. “Everything cool, bro? You look like you might be sick or something. You’re, like, totally pale.”

  Liam gave Neal’s sleeve a few harsh tugs. “Master? We need to go upstairs, right now.”

  The crease on Neal’s brow deepened as he shook his head, then regarded Liam. “Can it wait a sec, sweetheart?”

  Liam also shook his head, his lips pressed together in a tight line.

  Ray sensed Liam understood way more about what was going on than Neal. After what Neal had shared with him about Liam’s hopes for him and Cruella, Ray imagined he’d been the one to clue his Master in.

  Neal sighed then turned to Ray again. “Is that all right? We can talk in a minute when I come back downstairs. We’re only stopping by to pick up last night’s deposit to take to the bank and see if you guys needed any change. We’ll be out riding with Derek and Corey today, so wanted to get going early.”

  Ray nodded. “Don’t worry about it. Everything’s fine, I swear. Just, uh…” Ray glanced in Cruella’s direction, but they averted their gaze. “You guys go on ahead and we’ll check and see if we need any change.”

  Neal looked between him and Cruella once more then shrugged. “All right, cool. We’ll be right back.”

  Liam might have had his head bowed as he strolled past, but Ray didn’t miss the wide grin he was sporting. After Ray made sure they were out of sight and hearing range, he took a tentative step toward Cruella.

  “So,” he said. “Like I was saying—”

  “Ray?” Cruella tugged at the bottom of their sinfully tight shirt. “I’m sorry, but I have to say no. I can’t make it tonight because I already have plans.” They licked their full bottom lip, which would’ve normally driven Ray insane, but his heart was busy being crushed. “Another time would be great, though.”

  Ray’s shoulders slumped, and he was certain he was about to be as sick as Neal had assumed he was. No big deal, my fucking ass. He gave a shaky laugh, failing in his effort to sound casual. “Yeah, totally. No problem.” Ray shifted from foot to foot. “So, uh, I have to go and, you know, do something. Can you let Neal know about the change?”

  Ray didn’t wait for Cruella’s answer, and he took the stairs two at a time as he rushed to escape the humiliation of his rejection.

  All they could say was no.

  He wanted to kick himself for believing it wouldn’t hurt so damn much to hear that one word.

  Chapter Three

  Cruella stared at their hands as they tried to regain some composure, gripping the edge of the desk while Ray ran up the stairs. Away from me. They’d been about to suggest something more concrete than the vague response they’d given, since the only reason they couldn’t do it that night was due to the shibari class. But they’d been tongue-tied, caught off guard by the unexpected invitation. Thrilled for half a second before it all imploded.

  I should go up there and explain.

  The door ringer sounded and, as two men strolled inside the shop, Cruella realized it was eleven and the business day had officially begun. While Cruella directed one of the men to the notebooks that held sample tattoo designs, they assisted the other at the body jewelry
counter.

  Neal’s voice cut through. “Cruella, did you check to see if you need any change before me and Liam leave?”

  Cruella put the last jewelry tray back into the glass case. “Sorry, Neal. I… I didn’t get a chance to look yet.”

  Neal glanced at the two men, who were now studying one of the books together and trading opinions on designs. He returned his attention to Cruella. “That’s cool. I’ll grab the deposit, make change from that and drop it back off for you guys.” Neal regarded them with concern. He leaned in closer then lowered his voice. “Everything okay?”

  Cruella averted their gaze and gave an uneasy laugh while making themself busy relocking the case. “Of course.”

  One of the men approached. “Excuse me, do you have any appointments available for today?”

  Cruella pasted on their customer service smile. “Let me take a peek at the schedule for you.”

  Neal sighed. “I’ll be back in a few.”

  After verifying who was on deck that day and could fit in an unscheduled customer, Cruella gave the man the usual release forms to fill out. Busy work was good, an excellent way to take their mind off what was going on with Ray upstairs. Neal came and went, the shop too hectic by the time he’d returned to make any more uncomfortable inquiries.

  As the day wore on, the opportunity to speak with Ray never presented. Their shift managed to be overly busy for a Wednesday. Or perhaps they were more starkly aware of it than usual. Even when the rest of the staff came on duty, they never managed to get Ray alone for so much as a two-minute discussion.

  He’s avoiding me.

  A startling dose of clarity had hit them over the course of the day. The entire time they had been wondering how attracted Ray was to them, it had been much more than they’d realized. Ray wasn’t just seeking a date or the chance for a quick lay, wasn’t throwing his net wide on the possibility that Cruella might be one of many he could get with. He’d been hoping for much more.