Dakota just giggled—there was no need to deny that it was no coincidence she’d prepared his special dish. She got up and went into the kitchen to make him a plate. As soon as she stepped away, he picked up the remote and changed the channel. Shortly after, she returned with his full plate and a glass of iced tea on a tray. She put it down in front of him at the coffee table and sat beside him. He took about a minute before he began to chow down.
“Now, this I don’t want to miss,” he said with a mouth full of food.
“Oh, is that all you missed?” she replied devilishly.
“No, I missed you, too, but I didn’t miss your craziness.”
“My craziness? Why am I the crazy one?”
Tony must have come over for business—he got straight to the point and didn’t hesitate to explain himself.
“Because, Dakota, at times it was like you forgot what this was.”
“And what was that?” Dakota said, already getting defensive.
He hesitated, trying to find the right words. “It was supposed to be fun. It was supposed to be something that wasn’t serious. You knew my situation and I knew yours.”
“How do you figure that it wasn’t just fun for me?”
“For starters, you threw me out of your house one night in a jealous rage ...”
Before he could finish, she interrupted. “Don’t even bring that up, Tone ... that was nothing to do with fun. That was disrespectful.”
“OK, I can see how you saw things that night. I wasn’t doing anything with her, and you didn’t even calm down enough to hear my side.”
“It shouldn’t even have happened—besides, that had nothing to do with what this was supposed to be.”
“That was small, because I kind of understood that one. But you were constantly wanting me to come over, and be here with you. You know that I have a busy life, and you know that most of those nights I was with my daughter’s mother.”
“Constantly, Tony? You used to come over on your own—I would only ask you once or twice a week, if that, and when you said no I didn’t complain.”
“Not all the time—most of the time you would get upset.”
“Whatever,” Dakota said.
“I’m not trying to play you—I just want to make sure you know what this is. We aren’t committed to each other, we are just seeing each other.”
“Let me ask you—is this the way it will always be?”
“I don’t know, Dakota,” Tony replied, clearly frustrated by the question.
“What don’t you know? Do you ever plan on settling down with me?”
“I can’t answer that right now.”
“Why? You claim that you want to be with me. You’re not with your daughter’s mother, so do you plan on being uncommitted forever?”
“I’ll let you know.”
“See, Tony, this is why we have these issues. Sometimes you act like I’m one of your groupies from your football days.”
“Dakota, I still have groupies now. I don’t treat you like I treat them.”
“Excuse me. I guess I should be flattered.”
“I enjoy our relationship, and I want to continue it for as long as possible. We do some business together here and there, but if I didn’t want to deal with you, I wouldn’t. Hopefully I can spend more time with you and we can have our relationship—I just can’t promise marriage or anything.”
“What makes you so against it?”
“Listen, me and my daughter’s mother have a weird relationship. She knows that I do me, but I owe her a certain respect because she was with me from day one ... therefore I won’t be committing to anyone anytime soon.”
“So, then why don’t you just commit to her and stop playing games?”
“I’m not, because you know the deal. If it’s all of a sudden a problem for you, then let’s discuss it.”
“You know what I have a problem with. Why don’t you ever say her name? All this time we have been dealing, you won’t refer to her by name.”
“Out of respect. I don’t like people knowing her name because that’s usually when games begin. People want to start asking questions, or making phone calls. I like it to be where she is a private part of my life.”
“You keep her pretty guarded for you not to be with her.”
“She is my daughter’s mother, that’s all. It’s just my way of respecting her and my daughter.”
“OK, Tony.”
Dakota was tired of hearing about how she was woman #2, and that would probably be her role in his life forever. She got up and took his plate in the kitchen. He noticed her attitude, but like most men he figured if she was going to let it go, he’d better take advantage of it and let it go, too. So when she returned from the kitchen, they watched TV for a while in silence. He eventually broke the silence with talk about some business deals and what he needed her to do to help out. Then eventually they had sex, and not too long after that he left. Dakota was back in her bedroom sitting there watching TiVo shows, feeling alone and confused, just like she was before he came.
45
Breath of Fresh Air
The rest of the week went by and Chrasey still hadn’t heard a word from Keith. She was home every night alone, keeping herself occupied with the kids. For some ironic reason she had no desire to even hear Trevor’s voice. Now that she could speak to him or see him without sneaking, she didn’t even want to.
She had called Keith at his job a few times through the week, but of course he wasn’t taking her calls; the receptionist kept saying he wasn’t in or he was in a meeting. She considered going to his job and popping up to force him to talk, but she also wanted him to come around at his own pace. Also, deep down she wasn’t sure if she was ready to see him face-to-face, and she was sure the job wasn’t the correct place to handle it, either way.
She knew Keith was probably staying at his mother’s when he left work, either that or he was with the mistress he claimed he didn’t have. There were a few nights Chrasey couldn’t sleep, thinking about what Keith could be out there doing. She knew that her actions were all he needed to justify anything that he did. Most nights, though, she lay awake fearing the possibility that he really meant it when he said he wanted a divorce.
One evening after work, Chrasey grew tired of being home alone. She hadn’t asked for any support from her friends—she had been really trying to stay strong and not let the situation get to her. She knew there wasn’t much she could say, and that she didn’t deserve much sympathy. She supposed this was a typical possible result from cheating in a relationship.
This evening, though, she dropped the kids off at her mother’s and went over to Dakota’s house. She hadn’t told Jordan that Keith hadn’t been back home yet—the one time Jordan called she missed her call. She wasn’t ready to call her back, because she didn’t want to have to tell Jordan just yet. It’s not that Jordan would say anything negative, but she knew that she would say “I told you so.” Jordan had been saying all along, what you’re doing is a temporary fix for a lifelong matter. You and Keith could get through this lull and come out on top, but with what you’re doing, if he ever finds out, that is increasing the risk that you two won’t make it.
It was just easier for Chrasey to confide in Dakota for now, because she wasn’t trying to claim the moral high ground like Jordan. So Chrasey sat in Dakota’s living room, pouring her little heart out. She regretted what she had done—it took Keith finding out for her to actually feel bad. It was her guilt, knowing he felt betrayed. For some reason she didn’t think he cared, but men are funny. They may not want you or treat you right but they don’t want another man to have you or treat you right, either. So although Chrasey was upset over Keith leaving, she was also upset that he didn’t take any responsibility for her actions. More than anything, she was afraid. Afraid of the possibility that it may lead to their divorce.
Dakota just listened for the most part, repeating, “it will be all right” to almost everything Chrasey said. The
problem was, Dakota didn’t know what to tell her. Truth was, she felt sort of guilty for Chrasey’s situation. Dakota wondered if she had been a bad friend to advise her the way she did. All along she had encouraged Chrasey to have fun with Trevor and told her she was doing the right thing. Dakota did mean that at the time, and Keith wasn’t treating her right. Now it just seemed like she was the type friend they are talking about when they say misery loves company.
So Dakota remained fairly quiet while Chrasey vented. That’s all Chrasey really needed, anyway, was a good friend she could trust to listen.
“I don’t know how I go from being faithful for eighteen years, only sleeping with my husband to possibly losing my husband because I have been sleeping with another man that’s younger than me.”
“It’s gonna be all right,” Dakota replied.
“How? Even if we work this out, I probably set us back years. Everyone kept saying this was a phase in our marriage, a normal, natural thing where one of us is going to be unpleasant and the marriage will feel like a living hell ... But no, not me. I had to do a self-remedy—marriages don’t always recover from infidelity.”
“No, but a lot do. Keith will understand that neglect is a powerful thing. We all want some attention and love.”
“Yeah, but I didn’t have the right to break our vows.”
Dakota still believed in her heart that Keith was up to no good, and just because he didn’t get caught first doesn’t mean he is innocent. She didn’t want to say that and further upset Chrasey.
“It’s gonna be all right,” Dakota said.
“I guess if I end up single, at least I know there is a bright side—I can get to be free and glamorous like you. Like you have been saying, no man should control your happiness.”
“Please, girl, don’t let the image fool you,” Dakota replied.
That’s all she would say—she wouldn’t dare tell Chrasey that she had been feeling down lately, wanting a stable relationship. Not after she spent the past few months saying that you only live once, and you can’t let no man control your happiness. Chrasey might have killed her.
“Who am I fooling? I’m not ready to do this all by myself. I didn’t get married to do it alone,” Chrasey said.
It seemed like the thought brought back all the pain. As soon as she finished that thought, her eyes welled up with tears.
“It’s going to be all right,” Dakota replied, trying to console her friend before the floods came. Dakota couldn’t stand to see Chrasey crying.
“I didn’t start this family to do it by myself ... I don’t want to be a single mom. It’s not fair, it’s just not fair,” she mumbled through her sobs.
All those times Dakota had told Chrasey to ignore Jordan’s conscious talk, and now when stuff hit the fan, Dakota was at a loss for words. She held Chrasey in her arms, truly feeling her pain. Every woman can relate to that pain, where you know that your behavior may have caused you to lose a good thing and you didn’t take the time to stop to notice that despite all the bad, it was a good thing. It’s a pain that burns so deep, you feel like you can cry out your soul. Dakota wiped a tear away, wishing she could make her friend feel better.
Why is it that after over thirty years on this planet, we women can’t get our game together? Dakota thought to herself. Why are we always in some messed-up situation with our men? We are either doing too much or too little. Why can’t we figure out a happy medium? When do we learn, or do we ever? Do we just forever live on the borderline between happiness and turmoil? Her mind went on as she rubbed Chrasey’s leg to calm her. Out of three women, none of them had it right. She began to wonder if any woman had it just right, and if so, we need that sister’s secret.
46
Dear Jordan
To Jordan it was starting to look like Omar had just been using the Jayon situation to broaden his and Jordan’s issues, or at least that’s how it seemed, because Jordan couldn’t seem to understand why Omar was still so upset over the incident. She even joked around and asked Omar if he wanted to have a web cam on her at work so he could watch her. Omar didn’t find it funny at all, but she was under the impression that this type of stuff is the kind of thing that successful, happy marriages just move past. They deal with it and move on. Not Omar—he was carrying around this chip on his shoulder for weeks as if she had slept with somebody else or something.
Jordan was beginning to think he just wanted her to feel responsible for all the problems in their marriage and all of his issues with himself. She did feel bad about their current state, and she also understood his jealousy of Jayon, but she also knew she had been the best wife to Omar and that she’d never cheated on him. She was actually getting tired of feeling guilty for something she didn’t even do. It had gotten to the point where she was just mentally and physically drained. She hadn’t been on a vacation in forever—just to get some time with her loved ones was a mission; her clients were calling her at all hours of the night, and yet Omar seemed to have no sympathy for what she was dealing with.
The only time Omar had shown her some real concern these past few weeks is when her mom called to tell her that her dad wasn’t feeling too well. He had been diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease years ago and had been holding up very well. These past few weeks he had been back and forth to the doctors with new symptoms, and Omar came with her to see him. Before and after that, he was barely paying Jordan any mind. She just wished that he could be a husband to her, and for once see things through her eyes. She wanted him to see that all she was trying to do was do the best that she could. She wanted to have him be proud of his wife, Jason of his mother, her parents of their daughter, and Jordan of herself. She wasn’t trying to be the pro black sister—she had no problem letting her man be the king of the castle. She couldn’t help it if her role as queen outshined him, though. That wasn’t her plan—it’s just the way it turned out, and he should be supportive of her regardless of the way he felt.
That’s why she couldn’t believe that when she came home there was a note on her dresser from Omar. She was exhausted and ready to jump in the bed. It was a Friday night and she had made it home by 8:00 P.M. She wasn’t expecting Omar to be there waiting, because he had told her in his own way it was too late to try now. She just wanted to lie down and relax for about an hour. Instead she found this note:
Jason’s at your parents’ house—go pick him up when you get home. I don’t know when I’ll be back.
—O
That was all the note read. OK. What the hell was that?
There went her relaxing. She changed into something more comfortable and went back out to pick up her son. As she drove back into Queens to her parents’ house, she called Omar’s phone and he didn’t answer. She left him a message asking him what the hell was with his note. He was really starting to piss her off. When she got to her parents’ house, she asked her mom what Omar told her when he dropped Jason off. She said all he said was that he had something to do, and that Jordan would be by to pick him up. Usually if he was going to do something like that, he would call her to discuss it to make sure she was going to be home at a decent time. Jordan didn’t know what Omar was thinking, but she couldn’t wait until he brought his butt home to find out.
When she got back home, she was kind of happy that she got to spend some time with Jason. They played one of his video games, did his flash cards, and watched The Incredibles. They had a ball, and it felt good to just sit home with him. Once it hit one in the morning, she made him go to bed, and then she went to her bedroom wondering when Omar was going to get home. As it got later and later, and she still couldn’t reach Omar and he hadn’t called or showed up, she started to get more and more worried and pissed.
That morning Jordan woke up at about ten o’clock in the morning and Omar still wasn’t home. She called his mother; she said she hadn’t heard from him. She called everyone she could think of, from his family to his friends; everyone claimed to be clueless. She was somewhat worried, but because h
is note mentioned that he didn’t know when he was getting home, she figured he was aware that he would be pulling something like this. She spent the whole day in her house with Jason, pissed off because Omar still hadn’t come home.
Almost a whole week went by and Omar still hadn’t called or come home. On Monday, she went by his job, but he wasn’t there. The sous chef said he had told him he was taking a vacation and that Omar wanted him and the restaurant manager to hold things down until he got back. He told them, too, that he didn’t know when he would be back. It really felt like Omar was nowhere to be found. Even his mother still didn’t know where he was, or she was lying for him. She couldn’t believe it was six days and he still hadn’t even called.
By the end of the week she was through. She remembered being mad on Wednesday and Thursday, but once an entire week went by, she was ready to truly fight him. The nerve of him. She had left him messages, and he didn’t reply to one, he didn’t call, nothing. She had started to really wonder if he had lost his mind, but not once did she consider that he had left her—at least, not yet.
On Sunday afternoon, Jordan and Jason had just gotten back from church. They were in the living room watching television when she heard the door close. Jason went running, shouting, “Daddy, is that you?”
She could hear Jason and Omar’s muffled voices from the porch. A few moments later Omar was in the living room doorway with Jason in his arms. He didn’t even react to her presence right away when he saw her sitting there, nor did she react to his. He was obviously being nonchalant about his sudden arrival at home, and her facial expression had an obvious message, too: I hope you don’t think you got my attention—all you did was piss me off.
After he put Jason back down, he made his way over to Jordan and gave her a kiss on the forehead. As he stood back up, he said, “Hey.”
“HEY?” Jordan damn near yelled. Trying to keep her composure, she calmly said, “Jason, go upstairs—please, baby—I need to talk to your father.”
Diva Diaries Page 20