After a few minutes, she felt his body tighten up, and he quickly pulled himself out of her. There was a mess on her couch a few seconds later.
As soon as it was done, they were breathing heavily and slightly nestled against each other. Neither of them wanted to look at the other. Then it hit her—the emotions from what had just occurred. Tears began to roll down her face. There was no turning back.
“What’s wrong?” Jayon said, panicking.
“Nothing.”
“Why are you crying?”
“No reason,” she said, trying to wipe her tears.
He just held her as tight as he could, and whispered, “Please don’t cry.”
She felt bad, ruining their moment with tears. She wasn’t crying because she was regretting what they had done. She cried because she knew that she and Jayon would never be the same, and even crazier, she and Omar would never be the same.
62
Eight Days Past Due
Dakota had been late before, but something felt different this time. She went through each day as if it was not on her mind, but there wasn’t a day that went by that she wasn’t worried about her “friends visit.” After the first week of waiting, and the first day she was feeling nauseous, her paranoia went into overdrive and she made a doctor’s appointment.
Dakota had had a few scares, and a few run-ins with pregnancy. She was always either in a terrible situation with the possible father or she was very young. It wasn’t long before birth control became a real close friend of hers. She did get careless with Tony from time to time, allowing herself to be too comfortable. Deep down, she had thoughts of having a child with Tony to be sure to have him around. It wasn’t until now, with the thought of really being pregnant, that she realized that might only run him farther away. Still, now at the age of thirty-one, single and motherless, the idea of having a child had a little more of a thrill to it.
The first thing the doctor asked was, “Do you think you could be pregnant?” That’s usually the question they ask to see if you’re going to say “impossible” or “maybe.”
Dakota just responded, “I wouldn’t think so—I’m on the pill.”
Dr. Rothstein continued to run her tests and ask questions. She informed Dakota that it could just be stress delaying her period and the nausea could all be psychological. A million and ten thoughts went through ’Kota’s head while she sat there waiting for the results of her test. She had come to the realization that being pregnant would not be a great thing. She knew she didn’t know how Tony would react; she knew she wouldn’t even know if it was Tony’s—she’d had her share of fun over the past couple of months. She also knew she was at a great point in her career, and that everyone would be judging her because she wasn’t married.
Sitting there cold and alone, Dakota realized that this was a wake-up call, and she had to make some serious changes in her life. If she wasn’t pregnant, she would use this chance—whatever number it was—to get her life on track. She never wanted to feel this way again—she was too mature for this; she was even too embarrassed to tell Jordan and Chrasey. She sat there hoping that this was all, like the doctor said, psychological.
About fifteen minutes later she was informed that pregnancy was very much a reality. Wow, I’m pregnant. How? How could I have let this happen? I used protection every time—well, almost every time, Dakota thought to herself. Once with David the condom broke, and with Tony one night they didn’t have one and they were both so horny they had to do without, but he didn’t come in her. There were other times where he would just stick it in once or so before he put the condom on, but that was only a small percentage of the time. Well, it didn’t matter at this point—it was already done.
When the doctor told her, as if she was a teenage girl whose parents were going to beat her, she cried. She knew that was tacky but she was so upset, embarrassed, ashamed, disappointed, and scared all in one that all she could do was cry. Besides, her doctor was well aware that she wasn’t in the most stable relationship, and that she wasn’t planning to have kids. She knew more than anybody about her sexual risks, after she paged her on a weekend for a birth-control prescription when she’d misplaced her pack one day. She also knew from their talks during her checkup. That’s why she gave her a look when she walked in the room to tell her. By the expression on her face, Dakota knew what it meant. Still, she told her the news with as much happiness in her voice as possible.
When Dr. Rothstein came in to tell Dakota, a bunch of negative thoughts filled her mind, way more than positive. After the tears began to slide down her cheeks, Dr. Rothstein tried to console her. She reminded her that she had several options, and she told her to go home and discuss it with her partner. Which partner? Dakota asked herself.
Dakota called Jordan and Chrasey right away, a three-way call as usual. They were supportive, sympathetic, and happy. Of course, they said they would support any decision she made, although they both felt strongly about abortions and expressed the hope that she didn’t do that. They were also sympathetic, because they knew she was afraid about not knowing for sure who the father was. Still, they were both happy as well. They probably just wanted to be new godparents, and have a kid to spoil like she did their kids. She let them both know she thought it was probably Tony’s, and after she spoke to him she would make a decision. They, like most girlfriends, advised that she not let him control her decision. “It’s your body, and you’re going to have to raise the baby,” Chrasey told her.
Her gut told her that it was Tony’s, but she wouldn’t know until the doctor told her how far along she was for sure. She knew she couldn’t wait that long before she told him.
When it was time to call Tony, she couldn’t remember the last time she’d felt so anxious. She practiced over and over how she would tell him, then she finally dialed the number. When she called, she got his voice mail at first and considered leaving it on his answering machine. She decided against that because as much as she feared what it would be, she wanted to see his initial reaction. She called back twice later on until she finally got him. She told him that it was extremely important that he come over right away. From the tone in her voice, it wasn’t hard for him to realize that it was something serious.
She still didn’t know how she was actually going to tell him. She even doubted every ten minutes if she even should tell him. Hell, what if it was David’s, or somehow turned out to be Darryl’s, the guy from the club. They say no form of protection is one hundred percent, and it’s times like these when you wished you’d paid attention in sex ed when they said abstinence is the best way unless you’re prepared to have a baby with the man you’re lying down with.
He stood looking out the window in silence. Dakota didn’t know whether to be glad he didn’t react in a loud and rude manner, or sad that he said nothing at all. He had been there for all of five minutes, and she’d told him that she’d gone to the doctor that day and the doctor had told her that she was pregnant. Before he could reply, she gave him the rest of the information. She told him that she had to go back next week to determine how far along she was. He hadn’t said a word yet. She knew this was a big deal—for both of them. She had such a mixture of feelings about it inside herself, she knew that he was probably really bugging out over it.
A piece of her wanted to be happy about the news, but deep inside she was more depressed than she could ever imagine. It wasn’t helping that the man she wanted to spend her life with had absolutely no words to say regarding the matter. What was making her the most uncomfortable was that until she found out how far along she was, she wouldn’t even know who the father was. She didn’t know what was crazier—that she wanted it to be Tony’s, even though he was the least likely to settle down, or that she knew better and should have been wanting it to be David’s—but she wasn’t. She didn’t even call David, and had no intention to unless, for some reason, Tony was ruled out and it had to be David’s. No point in getting him excited for nothing.
T
wo minutes went by without Tony replying. Two minutes felt like a long time—she knew what was on Tony’s mind, even though he didn’t say it yet. The silence was stirring her emotions. Her eyes began to fill with tears. Finally he turned around and sat at the table with her. He hung his head low, apparently not wanting to ask, but he said in a mellow tone, “Am I the father?”
That’s all it took—the floods came. The tears began rolling down her face like a broken dam. From her response, he could tell that it probably wasn’t a yes. He waited patiently for her response anyway. Not once did he put his hand on hers, or say anything to comfort her. He just sat there as she wept. After a few minutes, she pulled it together and began to wipe her tears away. She tried to gather her thoughts and calm down. She wasn’t sure what he really wanted to hear. She didn’t know if not being the father would upset him or be a relief.
“Honestly, I’m not sure yet. I think it’s yours,” she said in the lowest tone possible.
“And why does it have to be mine? Obviously you have been sleeping with other people.”
“Because I was protected with them, but it’s just that you never know, I guess.”
“We used protection, too.”
“Not every single time, though”
Tony stood up from the table. “Well, when you find out ... you let me know,” he said as he got up.
She watched him walk toward the door, seeing if he was going to say something else. She wanted to ask him why he was leaving, or how he could just walk out on her at a time like this. Instead she just watched him open the door, step through it, and close it behind him. She sat there for about ten more minutes, drenched in her own tears. She couldn’t believe he was so cold, but then again she couldn’t blame him. Why in the hell didn’t she know who her own baby’s father was? She knew that was pathetic, so she could only imagine what it made him think of her. She just sat there until she finally made her way into her bedroom. Like many nights, she lay in the bed, crying and hugging her pillow. She didn’t even have the energy to call Chrasey and Jordan back. She just wanted to go to sleep and wake up and it would all be a dream.
63
Back to Business
When Jordan got to the office Monday morning, she was hoping to beat Jay in so he would have to come in to her when he got in. When she got off the elevator, she peeked down the hall and his door was still closed. She knew he was probably right behind her, because Jayon was rarely late for work. She scurried into her office, with her Starbucks white chocolate milk and vanilla-almond triscottis in one hand, and her briefcase and purse in the other. She managed to get the door open, and plopped her stuff down on the couch by the door. She had clients scheduled to be in by 9:30, so she had to get herself together.
By the time she signed on to her computer, she heard Jayon’s voice saying good morning to the receptionist. She didn’t do anything more for a few seconds, and she thought maybe he headed to his office. Then he popped up in her doorway. She looked up at him and instantly started blushing. He walked over to her and leaned over to give her a kiss on the lips. She obliged.
He placed a Starbucks bag on her desk.
“It looks like I wasted my time,” he said.
Jordan looked in the bag; it was a white chocolate milk and vanilla-almond triscottis.
“Aww, thank you, Jay ... but yeah, I had time to stop this morning. Give it to Jackie,” she said.
“OK.”
“But thanks—you’re so sweet.”
“No prob,” he replied.
It fell silent for a few seconds. It was her fear that she and Jayon wouldn’t be able to act the same way around each other. They wouldn’t be able to talk to each other normally.
“I have some clients coming in soon so I have to get some work done real fast—I’ll come down to your office in a few,” Jordan said, trying to end the awkward moment.
“OK, I’m stepping out at 2:00 today and I won’t be back in the office until later,” he said as he walked toward the door.
“Where you going at 2:00?”
“I have a few appointments and some things to do.”
“OK, I’ll be down there about 11:00 or so,” she answered.
He walked out of the office and she went back to work. She wasn’t sure what the next few days or weeks would be like with her and Jayon but she had confidence it would be fine. They talked very little after they finished having sex that night—it was too awkward and she was too emotional. He stayed over, and the next morning when they woke up he told her he hoped that she didn’t do anything she didn’t want to, and he was sorry if he did anything wrong. She assured him that it was nothing that he did, and then he began to inquire if it had to do with Omar. She told him Omar didn’t care what she was doing; she couldn’t worry about what would happen if he began to care. He understood her answer and he left it at that. They had talked about absent Omar enough, and she had told him it was about her from now on. When he left that day he hugged her very tight and said that he loved her and last night meant more to him than she could know.
Jordan wondered if this was a mistake. She wondered if this was all to have control of something again, since Omar had taken so much of her control away. Omar had hurt her, and she knew that, but she wondered if her decision to sleep with Jayon somewhere in her subconscious was her way to hurt Omar back. She could have chosen any man in New York, but she chose Jayon. Sure, she loved him, and sure, he was attractive, and they had a history and she trusted him, so why not him? Still, Jordan knew that there was something more to her decision, and she just hoped she’d made the right one.
Jordan and Jayon had spoken once or twice the day before, but they were both running around and didn’t get a chance to have a real conversation. So today was the first day of real interaction after Jordan had broken the emergency glass. She was sitting there typing up some notes, and an instant message popped up on her screen. It was an icon of a man and woman in bed having sex. It was sent from Jay88, which was Jayon’s instant message name.
“I don’t know about you, but I had fun. I have no regrets and I’m ready for the next time,” it read.
A big smile came across Jordan’s face.
“LOL. No regrets, either—I also had fun and I’m looking forward to the next time,” she wrote back.
“I’ll be at your house later,” he wrote.
Jayon is a mess, Jordan thought to herself. He knew Jordan well enough to know the initial conversation would be uncomfortable, so he made it easy on her. That’s why she loved that guy—he knew just what she needed and when. He had her all figured out.
Jordan met with her clients, Jayon stopped in and gave her a kiss good-bye before he headed out at 2:00, and the rest of the day went by real fast. She left the office about 6:00 and headed home to shower and get ready for Jayon.
64
Beauty of Life
“This is is something that you created—this will be your unique little person and it will belong to you,” the doctor said to Tony and Dakota. She held on to Tony’s hand as she listened to the doctor explain what their options were and what to keep in mind.
Dakota wasn’t sure what Tony was feeling, but she knew what she was thinking. They had left things pretty much up in the air so far, with their only plan to come see the doctor together. When the doctor said this is something you created, Tony and Dakota looked into each other’s eyes, and she felt a little tingle.
On the drive home, Dakota realized that she was becoming more confident that she wanted to keep the baby. She knew that it was risky, because she and Tony had a very unstable relationship. She also knew that she wasn’t ready to be a mother and give up her freedom. However, she had already been wishfully thinking that maybe this would get Tony to decide to finally be with her. She also knew that although she wasn’t ready to be a mother, she kind of liked the idea of adding some more purpose to her life.
As soon as they got back to Dakota’s condo, Tony sat on the couch without turning the TV on. On
the ride home, they barely talked, and all he asked her regarding the doctor’s visit was, Are you OK? It was evident, though, that he had a lot on his mind, just like Dakota did.
“Are you OK?” Dakota asked him this time.
“I’m fine,” Tony said, as Dakota expected he would.
“No, really. What’s wrong?”
“I’m just thinking, that’s all.”
“I know—it’s been an emotional day.”
“Yeah, it has,” he replied.
“Listen, Tone, what do you want me to do?”
“Dakota, I want you to do whatever you want to do. It’s your body, and I really mean that.”
Dakota believed him when he said that. For once she took his words at face value. They’d had a talk before about this as a hypothetical situation, and he’d said that he would be supportive either way. A piece of Dakota wanted to hear him say that he wanted her to keep it, but she knew he probably didn’t and he wouldn’t want to pressure her either way. Really she was just happy that he didn’t make her feel like one of those girls on the Maury Povich talk-show, and request paternity testing. He was taking her word for it, and that was the best feeling of all.
“Well, I’m going to keep it,” she blurted out.
Diva Diaries Page 26