Diva Diaries

by Janine A. Morris

  Keith got up, came to where she was on the bed, and pulled her into him and held her.

  “I will do whatever it takes, Chrasey. I will let Lourdes know that I will not be in their lives ... I will send some money in the mail and that’s it. I will erase them from my life.”

  “Keith, that’s the thing—that’s impossible.”

  “No, it’s not. You’ll never find a toy in my backseat, you’ll never see her number in the Caller ID, we will change the house number ... we will move on.”

  “Keith, why? Why do you want to work this out?”

  He looked at her, surprised that she asked, it seemed. He held her face and looked her right in the eyes, and said, “Because I love you.”

  She moved her face so she didn’t have to look into his eyes anymore. He let go of her face.

  “There is no other reason, Chrasey, I promise you. I just want to grow old together like we planned, and I’m willing to do what I can to fix it.”

  “I need time to think about it all. Can we talk about it later?”

  He looked like he wanted to say something else, but instead he just shook his head and went toward the door.

  Chrasey didn’t know what to do. She didn’t feel ready to alter her entire life any more than it had been, and leave her husband. She also wasn’t ready to settle for the life she was leading. She thought about what Keith offered to do with Lourdes and the baby. It didn’t sound like a bad idea, but then again, that was probably kind of evil. For her to request such a thing would probably be wrong. At the end of the day, it wasn’t the kid’s fault, and that would affect her more than anyone else. It may upset Lourdes because she wanted to try to create a false reality with Keith, but it would really hurt the girl. Chrasey wasn’t sure if she could live with herself if she demanded that he do that. She wished he would have just left his dick in his pants.

  97

  Trying to Tell Me Something

  The doctor had told Dakota to take it easy—her iron was low, and they didn’t want any complications. These past few weeks had been emotionally draining enough without adding something else. All the fighting with Tony was stressful, and she didn’t go on maternity leave for another two months. Tony had offered to pay all the bills at one point so she could stay home and relax, but Dakota couldn’t afford to lose her job and not have one after the baby was born. Tony probably just made that offer because of his ego, to flaunt his status. Any baller doesn’t like to have his woman or baby mother working.

  Today when Dakota woke up, she was having a very emotional day. All her confidence had been lowered, all of her security erased. Deep down, she knew that a good black woman was hard to find, but that consisted of more than a good job and nice body. She knew she had her claim to a few one-night stands, and not-so-good-girl situations. She remembered all her dirt that she had done, and it all began to make her feel like she wasn’t any prize to begin with. She kept thinking that any man would rather have a good girl with high morals that he could bring home to his mother and be proud. After she thought about it all, she definitely didn’t like the feeling of vulnerability. After about a half an hour of sulking, she figured, why stress out over things you can’t control? She started to make herself feel better by thinking how men would die for the freak in her. She knew that women couldn’t buy what she had naturally, her sex appeal.

  She also had her share of emotional nights, and she looked forward to this baby coming so she could get her life back, or what was left of it. She couldn’t imagine how her love life would be if Tony wasn’t a major factor in it. She also thought how that’s why the fight for Tony wasn’t worth it—he was like her last hope. She usually didn’t call him to tell him to come over. Tonight she did, though.

  “What are you doing?” she asked.

  “At Ron’s—what’s up? You OK?”

  “Yeah, I’m fine.”

  “Cool, what’s up?”

  “Can I have you tonight?”

  Tony started to laugh. “Yeah, I’ll be by there in about two hours.”

  “OK, come over with some energy.”

  He laughed again. “What your pregnant behind going to do?”

  “You don’t worry about that—under all circumstances, I’m always on point,” she said.

  “All right,” he said. “I’ll be there.”

  Laughing, she added, “And this little boy can’t stop my head game.”

  Laughing even more, he said, “Scratch that—I’ll be there in half an hour.”

  “No, take your time—I’ll be here,” she said.

  After she hung up, she put the Best of Aretha Franklin in her CD player, and went into the bathroom. She took a nice, silky bath with her Bath & Body Sweet Pea Shower Gel, and relaxed some, thinking about all the new things she wanted to try on Tony. When she got out the bath, she started to lotion up and spray her good smells on. Then she put on her “Vicky Secrets” pink-and-black teddy that she never wore, and lay out on her bed and waited for Tony to come home.

  Upon the sight of her sitting in her bed with her bulging belly, she couldn’t help but laugh at herself. Still, even with her belly, she looked hot. She watched some television while she waited. She wasn’t sure if he would be early or late, and she said she wouldn’t call unless he was extremely late. She doubted that he would be late—he hadn’t done that in a while. That was one thing she was happy about—it had been a while since she had waited in her bed for hours for Tony.

  About fifteen minutes went by and Dakota’s phone rang. She looked in the Caller ID—it was David. She hadn’t spoken to him since she saw him on Jamaica Avenue that day. He never did call, and she never found the nerve to call him because she didn’t know what to say.

  “Hello,” she answered.

  “Hey,” he said.

  “For what do I deserve this?” she asked.

  “I meant to call you the other day, but I have just been so crazy with work and I wanted to give you my undivided attention.”

  “Awww ... well, that’s fine. So what’s going on?”

  “It was good seeing you.”

  “You, too”

  “I wish we could get together one night—I’m not sure what your situation is.”

  She felt like saying, I don’t have one. That’s why I’m lying here in bed, trying to be a personal prostitute so he can see my worth and give me a situation.

  “Well, you know I’m having a baby—that’s a situation. Other than that, I’m not married, engaged, or barely seeing anyone. I don’t know if it’s a good idea to get together, though.”

  “Why not?” he asked.

  “David, I’m pregnant.”

  “If you don’t mind, I don’t mind.”

  She couldn’t believe he was saying it didn’t bother him that she was bearing a child that wasn’t his.

  “I don’t mind—I just wasn’t sure if it would be appropriate.”

  “Listen, ’Kota, I’ve known you too long for that. That could just as easily have been my child. If the father doesn’t mind you seeing me, then I would like to see you.”

  She was lying down in a teddy waiting on one man, and had another trying to see her. Now, this was the Dakota she had missed, and she was thankful to David for giving her the opportunity to feel like her old self again. She told him they could get together real soon, and suggested they shoot for the weekend. He agreed and they hung up.

  No more than ten minutes later, Tony showed up. She wasn’t as enthused to give him all she had, mainly because she realized she didn’t have to. Also maybe because she was reminded that he didn’t deserve it.

  98

  Man Up

  All of Jason’s stuff was packed up and in Jordan’s trunk, and she was in the car waiting for him to buckle up before she pulled out of the driveway.

  “Mommy, why do your eyes look like that? Were you crying, Mommy?” he asked her.

  “No, I’m just tired, baby,” she replied.

  “Are you going to be OK by yourself until
I get back home from Daddy’s?”

  “Yes, I will be just fine. You will be back home in a couple of days, actually. You will still be coming home quite often, OK?”

  “OK.”

  “Are you happy to be spending more time at Daddy’s house?” she asked.

  “Yeah, I missed Daddy.”

  A tear fell from her eye. She was driving down the Southern State Expressway, on her way to drop her child off at his father’s. She was a disgrace to mothers everywhere. Here she had the opportunity to keep her family together and not put her child through this torment, and she chose not to. Jason deserved both of his parents under one roof. Here she was, taking away his chances at having an American picket-fence upbringing. Was it about time she started seeing this for what it was and stopped blaming Omar? But he was the one who walked away. He was the one who exposed Jason to dysfunction by disappearing for those months; he was the one who always put himself first. He taught her. Still, at the end of the day, it was her decision that led to this. To Jason being manipulated into believing he was going to stay with his father because Mommy had several business trips and didn’t want him going back and forth.

  She had been over this a million times in her head, and it never seemed to be clear. She was torn over this more than she should have been. The outcome always led to her sticking with her initial decision. She just felt like she was being broken down every time she had to face the situation head-on. She was on her way, and it was probably the hardest thing she ever had to do. As hard it was, she had to agree with Omar that there were some things that a woman just couldn’t teach a man. To get through it, she remembered that this was best for Jason, and there was no guarantee it was permanent. Maybe she would forgive Omar and fall back in love with him, and then they would all learn a valuable lesson and live happily ever after. If not, then she would adjust as they went along.

  She looked in her rearview mirror, and glanced at Jason. He was sitting in the backseat, looking like an angel, staring out of the window, just watching the streets go by. He was happy. Happy to be alive, happy to be young and free, happy to have two parents who loved him so. For that she was happy, too. Omar could have not wanted Jason—it could have been just the opposite. There was a bright side to it all—she and Omar may have been failing at their marriage but they hadn’t failed yet at parenthood. She just hoped she wasn’t by agreeing to let him have Jason.

  99

  Long Overdue

  Chrasey stepped into her car, and dropped all of her bags in the passenger seat. She was so beat from work. Things had been really tough these days—she was definitely earning her money. She sat in the seat for an extra minute or so just to catch her breath and relax. Keith was picking up the kids today, so at least she was able to go straight home. She reached in her purse to see if Keith had called, hoping he didn’t because she didn’t want to hear about any problems.

  When she looked in her phone, she had three missed calls, one from Dakota and two from Trevor. She and Trevor hadn’t spoken since the last time he called—she wondered what he wanted. She also noticed she had two messages, so she went ahead and checked those. The first two messages were old; then she heard a message from Dakota telling her to call so that she can tell me about Tony and David. Then the next message was from Trevor.

  “Hey Chrase ... it’s me. I was thinking about you ever since I saw you in the store that day. I know what you’re doing, and although I commend it, I just think we shouldn’t’t throw away what we had, either. There are times that I wish that we’d met ten years earlier so I could have been the one. I swear I would have valued the honor ... either way, I hope you can consider picking things up where we left off. I would try my best to make every day better than the last. Think about it, and give me a call.”

  Chrasey missed those sweet sayings, and promises for the future. She also hadn’t had any in quite some time, and just the slight memory of what Trevor was like in bed was enough to get her going. She dialed his number back without knowing what she was going to say. He answered, they chatted for a while. Before she knew it, she had plans to meet him at the hotel on Parsons and Kew Gardens Road.

  It was all happening so fast, but before long she was pulling up in the driveway of the KewG Hotel. She had parked the car, and was waiting for Trevor to arrive. In less than ten minutes, Trevor pulled into the parking lot as well. She heard his music from her car, and had to think to herself, what was she doing? Trevor was very mature for his age, but every now and then she would be reminded that he was still practically a kid. Having his 50 Cent CD blasting from the car was just one example. Because of his age, she would question dealing with him—until they were in bed.

  When she saw him, she got out of her car. They walked up to each other and hugged, figuring they would save the kisses for later. They went inside the lobby, Trevor paid for the room, and they got their room number and key. In the elevator, Trevor noticed Chrasey’s discomfort and asked her if she was sure she wanted to be there. Chrasey assured him that she was, and asked him not to ask her again or she might change her mind.

  They got into the hotel room, and Chrasey put her purse down on the chair by the desk. She sat on the bed and looked around. Before she could look back to see what Trevor was doing, he had knelt down between her legs. She looked startled and started to smile. He smiled back and started kissing her lips and caressing her breasts. After they had gotten well acquainted again with each other’s tongue, Trevor started lifting Chrasey’s skirt. Once he’d exposed enough of her lower area, he placed his face between her legs and started to kiss and lick around her inner thighs. Just the tender touch of his lips between her legs was driving her crazy and he hadn’t even licked her spot yet. When he did, she dropped her body backward on the bed. It was clear that Chrasey hadn’t had some good stuff in a while, and once Trevor noticed that, he was more than happy to give her a taste.

  He drove her wild with circular motions with his tongue for ten minutes straight—he wasn’t stopping until he heard her orgasm. Her body lay limp on the bed, grasping the sheets for mercy. Through faint breaths, she begged him not to stop. She was eager to feel him inside of her, but she couldn’t get enough of his foreplay. She squirmed and moaned as Trevor changed the motions he was making with his tongue and added a slight sucking to it; before he could pick up a rhythm with it, he heard Chrasey moan loudly as her body spasmed four consecutive times. He didn’t stop immediately, just slowed down as her body relaxed itself.

  Trevor wasn’t done with her. He slowly climbed on top of her and immediately inserted himself. The first stroke, he pushed as far back as he could, and back out. He continued in this motion until he watched Chrasey’s face reflect her pleasure. He wasn’t trying to come yet—he wanted at least one more orgasm out of her before he had his. He pumped and stroked until he watched her face changing expressions, felt her nails scratching his back and her body pushing hard up against his. She wanted him, all of him. She didn’t put herself back in this situation not to enjoy every inch of him. He leaned his body slightly to one side, putting all of his weight on his left side, and started to enter her at an angle. Chrasey’s back arched as she answered each stroke with a pump of her own. After about five more minutes of Trevor’s switching up, Chrasey had another orgasm. Now Trevor was happy, and he was ready for part three.

  He told her to turn around, as he moved up on his knees. He wanted to enter her from behind and get some back shots—it was well deserved and Chrasey obliged.

  After his performance they lay there for a few minutes, sweaty and tired.

  “I miss that,” Chrasey said.

  “Mmmm ... he misses that, too.”

  They both laughed. Chrasey wanted to suggest that they pick up where they’d left off. That she was going to stay with her husband, but she needed Trevor in her life. She just wasn’t ready yet, she wasn’t ready to decide what she wanted to do with her marriage. She did know that this wouldn’t be the last she saw of Trevor, or he of her.
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  100

  Change of Plans

  “Jordan, I’m at the hospital with Dakota—she had a miscarriage.”

  Jordan was sitting at her desk when she received the call. She took no time running out of her office, getting in her car, and driving to Bellevue Hospital. The only information she took the time to get was which hospital, where they were, and if Dakota was all right. As she drove east on the LIE, tears began to stream down her face. She knew the pain Dakota felt—she had become so attached to that child growing inside of her.

  They had all just gone to Pottery Barn Kids this past weekend to sign up for their registry for her baby shower that was coming up next month. Jordan tried to imagine what she would say to Dakota, how she could remain strong for her friend. Jordan was the emotional wreck of the bunch. She was the one who couldn’t hold a tear to save her life; they still didn’t know how she managed to be a top attorney. The reason was, Jordan loved a good debate, a good argument—she loved analyzing facts and breaking down what made sense and what didn’t. So when it came to her career, she was, no joke, made of stone; but when it came to life-and-death issues, Jordan was a bowl of mush.

  Once inside Bellevue, Jordan asked the receptionist for her visitor’s pass. She waited at the elevator and resolved to be strong. “I’m not going to cry,” she told herself over and over. Once she got off at the seventh floor, she looked for room 714. She walked slowly, trying to hold on to each extra moment she had before she had to face Dakota and the gloom that was in her room.

  She stepped into 714, and there was Tony, Chrasey, and Dakota’s brother, Daniel. Faces of forced normalcy was all she saw. She walked by everyone, giving silent hellos, and went straight to Dakotas’s bedside. Dakota had her back to the door, lying on her side in a crunched position, and she hadn’t seen Jordan walk in. She walked around the bed and stood in front of Dakota. As soon as their gaze met their eyes filled with tears. It was one of those emotional moments when all it took was the slightest human contact to trigger tears. Jordan bent over and hugged Dakota, and within moments she could feel her shake with hurt.