It was evident that everyone was trying to remain natural in an uncomfortable situation. As they saw the emotional meeting between Jordan and Dakota, a few others sniffled, Chrasey mainly. She went into the bathroom to regain her composure. It was hard to tell what Tony was feeling, but it was obvious that he was saddened by it. Maybe his mind had scanned over the positive aspects of this, but it looked like he was just as distraught as Dakota.
The doctor said that they weren’t sure why it happened. It could have been stress, her previous abortions, or her low iron. She had been going to all of her prenatal doctor appointments, and other than the slight iron problem, there was nothing that indicated this would happen. Eventually, Jordan went to the bathroom as well, got herself together, and came back out with some tissue for Dakota. Then everyone was just sitting back around again.
Dakota had to stay in the hospital overnight because the baby was so far along, there were a lot of medical issues they had to tend to. She was just lying there, seeming numb to everything. She wasn’t speaking or making much eye contact with anyone in the room. A few times Tony went over to her bedside and rubbed her forehead or leg, showing some type of affection. She noticed, she appreciated it, but it just wasn’t enough. She needed a lot more than affection at this point, and not one person in that room could give her what she wanted—only God could give it back.
101
Lean on Me
Jordan was spending most of her time with Dakota, and she hadn’t gone to work in days. She was feeling weird at home without her son, and to make matters worse she and Jayon were starting to plateau. Their honeymoon phase was over—they had made their way back to the “friend zone.” They were still involved, but the cutesy couple they had become started to settle for that comfortable complacency that comes with time. Since they had been friends for so long, they had gotten to it a lot quicker than most.
They had just had a dispute, and although it was a minor disagreement, Jordan was wondering if it was an example of what was happening to them. She was at his place because she couldn’t bear being alone at her house since Dakota’s miscarriage. Prior to her arrival, he had made plans with some of his boys, so when she got there he was getting dressed. He was getting ready to head out, and she was working on some case briefings in the bedroom. As he got ready to leave, he asked her not to answer his phone. She thought she was dreaming—she couldn’t believe he had the nerve to tell her that. She wasn’t sure if she should lash out, remain calm and just get her shit and bounce right after he left, or try not to get upset at all. The latter wasn’t an option—she was too damn offended.
“What do you mean, don’t answer your phone?”
He noticed from her tone alone that she wasn’t pleased with his request, let alone dropping her pen and what she was working on to give him a direct stare.
“No, J, I’m just saying let the voice mail get it so I don’t miss any calls.”
“Don’t give me that, Jayon. I am a grown woman and I know how to take messages—that’s not why you said that. If you feel uncomfortable with me being here while you’re gone, I’ll go.”
“Jordan, you can stay here.”
“If you have to ask me not to answer your phone, then I’m misunderstanding some things and I’d rather just go,” she said as she started to gather her things.
“Jordan, let’s not make a big deal out of this. You are welcome to stay here—I will be back in a few hours and we can make love all night,” he said, trying to repair the damage with humor.
It was too late, though. Her mind was made up. She knew why he said that—she’d had a slight feeling that Jayon still had some lingering “friends” that he hadn’t gotten rid of yet. One time she’d been out with his sister, and while she was drunk she mentioned some other females that Jayon still had as acquaintances. So Jordan already had some suspicions, but she didn’t want to become a jealous girlfriend. She had been a married woman for fourteen years; hell, she still was, and to go back several steps to jealous girlfriend status was not where she wanted to be. Still, she wasn’t going to be the stupid, getting-played girlfriend, either.
Jayon tried to stop her, but to no avail. She was leaving, she needed to. Being in Jayon’s apartment wasn’t the answer, either. Maybe that was her problem—maybe she needed to be alone and just feared it more than anything else. If she could have just dealt with spending a year alone, without Omar, maybe when he came around they could have saved their marriage. Maybe she wouldn’t have been so torn about making a decision.
She was out the door before Jayon could leave. He tried to get her to change her mind, but she was too emotional to have to sit there and have the one person she thought was on her side treat her like an outsider.
“J, please don’t go, sweetie. I didn’t mean it like that.”
“It’s fine, Jayon—go out. Maybe I’ll come back over when you’re home.”
She walked out of his door, down to her X5, and sat in her Jeep and regrouped. Surprisingly, she didn’t cry. After she took a deep breath, she just started her car and pulled off.
As she drove down the street, she realized she wasn’t prepared for this. She wasn’t prepared for the bad times between her and Jayon. She was used to him being her comforter and friend—she had no idea what it felt like to have him as the person causing her pain. There it was again—she had to wonder if she had made a mistake. She had thought things with Jayon were going to be so much better than life with her husband. She had a few reasons to question it before but had ignored them. For example, Jayon could be very irresponsible. He would go out at times with his friends and drink way more than he should have, and then drive home. He would usually wait a while or until he felt that he was up for it, but it still made her very upset that he was so careless. She remembered when they were friends she used to say that she couldn’t date him because he risked his life too much with his drinking fun. It didn’t make much of a difference, though, because even as his friend it worried her sick. The thought of something happening to him was hard for her even to contemplate. But now that they were together, it was that much scarier. What if she got remarried one day to Jay, and they had kids, and lost him to something so reckless she would be sad and mad at him at the same time?
Jordan was just beginning to realize that things she thought she could overlook became harder to deal with. Jayon still went out a lot, even though he should have outgrown that phase. He wasn’t very communicative about deep issues. He was always so cool and calm that it was hard to really have adult conversation. He was the quiet guy at the dinner table all the time. There were times when they didn’t have much to talk about, and she had to do most of the talking.
At first she thought she liked the fact that Jayon was calm and kept his cool. When she used to compare him to Omar, she thought she loved the serenity between her and Jay. Now that time had gone by, she sometimes missed Omar’s spunk. It made their relationship more exciting. He was quicker to argue or voice his opinion, and let someone know what was on his mind. Jayon was always passive and calm, even with her. She had become concerned that his demeanor might become boring to her.
With Omar, when things were good, he talked. He asked questions. They cared about the same things, same favorite sports teams, same favorite boxers, and same favorite television shows. It was funny, now that they weren’t together, she finally became aware of his qualities. That’s how it always goes, though—that’s why they say you don’t miss a good thing until it’s gone. Not that she missed Omar—that wasn’t it. She’d just learned that you have to love the one you’re with. No one is perfect.
As these thoughts passed through her mind, she began to realize that it also applied to Jayon as well. She had to love him and everything about him, good or bad. The thing was that she did—she loved Jayon even deeper than a normal love because of their friendship. She knew him in every dimension, so their foundation was perfect. She just needed to know that Jayon was serious about their future together, and
from time to time he didn’t show it.
Her worst nightmare would be things not working out between her and her best friend. Nights like tonight, it seemed that much more a possibility.
102
Rock-a-Bye Baby
It had been three weeks since the miscarriage, and Dakota was just starting to get back to herself. She decided to go back to work and spent fewer of her nights curled up in a ball, crying, and more of them lying out, watching television. At first she planned on taking a month of her maternity leave, anyway, just so she could take some time to cope with her loss. She changed her mind when the days were getting longer, and she realized that she needed to stay busy.
After the miscarriage, Dakota had spent the first week and a half in the bed unable to eat, sleep, and barely wash. It was definitely a state of depression, but it was the kind that made everyone that cared worry about her safety. She wouldn’t answer her calls half the time, and she was very particular about who visited her and when. Everyone close to her understood—she had been so excited about the life that had been growing inside of her; she finally was going to have her own little someone. The miscarriage was so sudden—it was like a huge brick had just crushed the life out of her. It wasn’t as if she was having a high-risk pregnancy, it just happened. It happened and Dakota was definitely not prepared to handle it. Her depression came from guilt, too; although the doctor wasn’t sure, she said it was possibly due to her previously terminated pregnancies. This only added to her emotional stress.
With a few more days to cry her heart out and have her friends help her get through, she was feeling a little better. Every now and then she still had moments when she felt upset. She still hadn’t put away all the baby books and the items she had already purchased. She was coping better, and was able to actually be at home alone and feel fine. The first week or so, when she was really depressed, Chrasey and Jordan had spent more time at her house than ever before. Taking turns practically spending the night, making sure she was barely left alone. Tony had been by a few times, but it was obvious he didn’t know what to say or do. He wanted to try to console her, but he didn’t know how. His presence just depressed Dakota most of the time, because he was a reminder of what she’d lost. She also knew that without the baby, it would only be a matter of time before he would start back his old ways. So as his visits got shorter and further in between, she welcomed his behavior. She preferred it to be what it was rather than what it was going to be.
Dakota wasn’t only suffering the loss of the baby, she was coping with the loss of Tony. She had mixed feelings about losing him, though, because she knew she never really had him to begin with. When she first came home after losing the baby, Tony was there for her. Her first night back from the hospital, they both cried together—that was probably the most emotional night they’d ever experienced. It was cool until the first night that he didn’t come over, when Dakota started to build resentment. Inside, she blamed Tony for the miscarriage as well because she knew that dealing with him caused unnecessary stress, and she was becoming more and more distant toward him.
Last Saturday night Jordan and Chrasey had come over to Dakota’s house. They brought martini mixes and games. They sat up in Dakota’s living room, having a revival. Drinking, laughing, watching movies, and playing games. The neighbors had to think there was a huge party going on with all the noise and laughter, but it was just the three of them having themselves a good old time. They were cranking ex-boyfriends and old college friends that they no longer talked to. They were just acting like they did in their younger days. It had been years since they were able to just let loose and act like wild college kids again, and it felt great, even if just for the moment. So as they got drunk with their frozen fruity drinks, they got silly and they got happy. It was meant to be therapy for Dakota, but it was a resurrection for all three of them. They needed each other, and when it was hard to verbalize what exactly they needed, actions always spoke louder than words. They just needed each other—no men, no children, no jobs, no responsibilities, and no drama. Just each other, like they were back in college. They sat there until about four in the morning, having their own little private party, and it was just what Dakota needed. It was just what all of them needed.
103
Pain and Pleasure
Keith tried to console Chrasey as she went through her own slight depression over Dakotas’s loss. Chrasey came home from work and went right back out to Dakota’s house. There were a few nights when Jordan told her to stay with her family—and that she’d do it. Those nights, Chrasey spent with her kids, thankful that she had them in her life. You don’t remember what a blessing your children are until you meet somebody who loses theirs, or someone who can’t have them.
Chrasey had spoken to Trevor twice since the last time they met up—he had called a few times, but she was usually with Dakota and she didn’t want to take the calls. She did want to continue to see Trevor, but she just wasn’t ready to lead that life again.
She had discussed with Jordan, now that Jordan could understand, her dilemma with Trevor. She didn’t want to bother Dakota with it; she mentioned it on their girls’ night out but not much because that was Dakota’s time. Jordan’s opinion was still that Chrasey should work things out with Keith. She said she shouldn’t give up on the marriage while they were still trying to work it out. She said she’d given up when he wasn’t trying to work it out, but Jordan said that Chrasey still had hope this time around. However, Jordan did say if Trevor was the one giving her good loving and making her days brighter, to keep him in the picture. That was what Chrasey had in mind, anyway—she just wanted to scale it down. She wasn’t trying to be going out on dates and talking to him daily like before. She just didn’t know how to tell Trevor she wanted him only when she needed some, and for an occasional talk.
Trevor had explained to Chrasey that he was dating someone, but that’s all it was. He said even though Chrasey was married, if he could have what they had before, he would be cool with that. He said he knew that Keith wasn’t going to be able to keep her happy and he wanted to be there, next in line, for when those days came. As sweet as that was to Chrasey, a piece of her hoped that Trevor would give up on her so she wouldn’t have the temptation.
She also hoped that things with Keith could be better so she wouldn’t give in to temptation. Things at home with Keith were cool—they had their good days and their bad days, but the typical days with minimal conversation were the majority. Chrasey didn’t want to just settle for minimal; she was still young and had her whole life ahead of her. When she got married, she envisioned a life of fun days and nights at home, family vacations, kinky, spontaneous sex, visiting friends, etc. She was aware that the sex fades and the fun fades and all of that, but not this soon. They were only in their early thirties and had lost so much of their spunk, it was a shame.
She was aware that their outside distractions didn’t help, but their lifestyle was still at an abnormal low. They weren’t doing anything together—they weren’t going anywhere, and Chrasey didn’t know what Keith was doing for sexual pleasure. Plus, they barely talked to one another. The most they did was play a game together here and there, and that was their effort at making it work. She’d tried everything in the past—now it was Keith’s turn. She felt that after what he did, it was his turn to fix things. She was tired of trying. He didn’t have much time, though, because before long she would be regularly giving in to temptations.
104
One Day
Checking her answering machine messages, it wasn’t hard for Jordan to figure out who left this one particular message. When she was back in college, one of her favorite CDs was Deborah Cox’s debut album. Many of her close friends in college knew it, but only Omar would’ve done this. On her answering machine, she heard the words to one of the album cuts called “You Don’t Miss Me Now.” As she listened to the message, she heard the words, One day you’ll be walking down the street, and you’ll see someone and she
will look a lot like me, and you’ll think about someone you left behind and it will make you cry. One day you’ll wonder why you ever said good-bye, you will wish you were still right here by my side, but I won’t be around ... you don’t miss me now, but one day you will.
As she sat on the edge of her bed, listening to each and every word of the selected part of the song, tears began to roll down her face. Before she knew it, she was crying uncontrollably. She had no time to prepare for this emotional message, and she didn’t even know for sure if it was Omar. She knew that it had to be, though, and even if it wasn’t, he was who she thought of. Not only because who else would leave the words to that song, but when they’d first started dating, they would leave lyrics on each other’s answering machines, especially when they were fighting. Lyrics that expressed the way they felt at the time or about each other. They hadn’t done this in years, many years, but it had been one of their things, so she knew it was him.
She wiped her tears enough to see the phone, and dialed Omar’s number. After the fourth ring, his answering machine picked up. She listened to his outgoing message—it had been a while since she’d heard his voice, and it was emotional hearing it. Once the recording was done, it took a few seconds before it beeped.
“I miss you now,” she said. She paused and then hung up.
She lay back on her bed with tears rolling down her face, wondering what she had done. It had been great with Jayon—it truly had—but it seemed like not a day went by that she didn’t worry about her other life that she’d left behind. It definitely didn’t help when Jayon would say something or behave in a way to make her wonder if she could look forward to a future with him. She had to think—she’d had all of this. A relationship with a future, a perfect home and life, but she just couldn’t make it work. She was just as wrong as she’d felt Omar had been.
Diva Diaries Page 38