She had spent the last few months pretending, and now she was finally ready to get real again. Tony was a fraudulent part of her life. She liked the way he made her look—he made her life look so cool. A rich, handsome, well-known man, and he was all hers; what girl doesn’t like how that looks? The problem was he was far from all hers. She had all the other hallmarks of an independent woman—good job, nice car, and comfortable home. The only thing she lacked was her man, so he’d been her way of having it all. She was able to show off and let everyone admire her life. They couldn’t see the times she lay in her bed waiting on him, or crying herself to sleep because she knew that he was out with some other girl. All they needed to know was that this was the man in her perfect life.
She didn’t know how to explain all of this to Tony. He would just tell her that she was overreacting, and maybe the miscarriage was still getting to her. He always tried to make her think she was the problem. The thing is, she knew that he knew he was playing her—he just wanted her to remain a cooperative player. She didn’t know why, though—he could have had any girl he wanted, so why didn’t he just leave her the hell alone when he realized she wanted more than he did. The sex was damn good, but still. He couldn’t just hope things would be like this forever.
She wondered what he was doing with Jonelle. She knew deep in her heart that she was sitting pretty in one of his plush homes, being treated like a queen. Especially after all the things she’d told Jonelle on the phone. He probably bought her all types of expensive jewelry to get out of the doghouse. He probably said all kinds of negative stuff about Dakota to make her feel like Dakota was just some groupie slut trying to break them up. He had to have told her that, in order for her not to have called Dakota back. He had to have, because she couldn’t have just fallen for a simple lie. It had to be embellished, laced with material items to make her think that it was even better than just an embellished lie. Any woman dating or married to a star or rich man learns those principles quickly. When their man cheats, messes up, or disrespects them, they forgive faster because they know a broke man gives the same drama but with way less perks. It’s almost every day we hear about a regular guy that’s not famous dogging his girl out, and all he can do is say he’s sorry. In the relationship all he brings to the table is the same, if not less, than the female does. So what’s the gain? You went through that bullshit and will again for a man who can’t do shit for you? With a man with money, you say to yourself at least this man can pay all the bills, got me pushing a Benz, can afford anything I ask for, and I get to live lavish and not have to work for it. It seems almost silly not to find it in your heart to forgive him. The forgiving heart of a kept woman makes so much more sense than the forgiving heart of a woman with a no-good, worthless man.
Well, let Jonelle have him—she couldn’t blame her. She wouldn’t, though. She refused to be in his lineup anymore, especially since she knew he wasn’t going to change. He would be using the factors that made him a great catch to lower her standards forever. Who knew how many more of them there were Dakota figured, but she was retiring from her second-place position. From now on, if she couldn’t be number one, and the one and only, she didn’t want to run the race.
114
It Was Fun
“What happened to us?” she said to Jayon.
They were parked in his new, all-black 2006 Audi A4 in front of her house. It was like things had changed before they’d begun, and she didn’t even see it coming.
“Jordan, I never wanted to hurt you. I would do anything to take it back.”
“So then why did you do it?”
“I don’t know,” he said.
She couldn’t believe this was all he had to say to her, that he didn’t know. He couldn’t give her any more of that shit. She’d left her husband for him, and he couldn’t even tell her more than he didn’t know. She tried her best to remain calm.
“Jayon—you don’t know? That’s all you can say to explain how things have turned out?”
“Jordan, I love you. Always have and always will, but I don’t know if I can make you happy.”
“What?” she said, clearly pissed at his comment.
“I don’t know what you want from me anymore—it was cool in the beginning, and I enjoyed every second of it, but ...”
“Don’t even give a but to that ... did you not realize during that beginning that me and you were starting something that we were supposed to work at? Did you realize I was leaving my husband to make this work?”
“Don’t put that on me, Jordan. You said you didn’t leave your husband because of me—you didn’t want to be with him anymore anyway. I just happened to make it easier, you said. So don’t put it on me.”
That was it for her. She was almost speechless, not including the complete curse-out she wanted to do. She said to herself, it isn’t worth it to let him see me sweat. This was something she had to deal with inside, on her own, and then just get the pain and tears out later when she was in her house alone. Then she realized he’d had it too easy, and she decided to tell him what was on her mind.
“You have a lot of fucking nerve. Don’t put it on you? ... How could you even fix your lips to say that?”
“I’m just saying, don’t say how you left Omar because of me. I didn’t ask you to do that, and we made it quite clear I wasn’t the cause of that breakup.”
“You know what, Jayon? You’re a real asshole ... and you’re right—you weren’t the reason I left Omar, and therefore there is nothing more to discuss,” she said as she started to gather her stuff.
“I want this to work, Jordan—I still feel that we are meant to be. If you can just find it in your heart to forgive me.”
“I don’t have it in my heart, Jayon. We have had our fun—thank you for making my divorce easier, and you take care of yourself. I’ll talk to you later,” she said as she opened the car door and started to get out.
“Jordan, we can do this. We have been friends too long not to make this work.”
“I don’t need anyone or anything to make me happy, and you can go fuck yourself,” she said, and slammed his car door. She was hoping to break the hinges off. He thought he was all fly in his new car—the shit wasn’t no Bentley or nothing, it was still just an Audi. Her 2006 X5 was better than his car, and he had the nerve to act like he was doing shit for her life. Yeah, he was some good sex when she’d needed it, and when he was the best friend she fell in love with, he was a great companion. But ever since he started to act like this new Jayon guy, he couldn’t do nothing for her that she couldn’t do for herself. She just couldn’t believe that he’d changed like that. It was like his good and evil side, right in front of her eyes, and he had the nerve to act like she shouldn’t be upset.
Once she had put her belongings down on her couch inside the house, she heard the ring tone of “Lovers and Friends” coming from her phone. It was Jayon calling—she just wanted to toss the phone across the room. She damn sure didn’t want to hear that song right now.
“I’ve been knowing you for a long while, but sexing never crossed my mind, but tonight I see something in ya, that makes me want to get with ya ...”
She silenced her ringer and walked upstairs.
She remembered when that was one of her favorite songs. She immediately thought of her and Jayon’s fairy-tale story when she heard it. Now it was like torture, reminding her of the mistake she’d made. It made it so much worse because it was Jayon, her friend since her sophomore year of college. She wished it was some guy she’d met out one night—then she wouldn’t feel so torn apart right now. She was not only breaking up with her boyfriend, she was breaking up with her best friend. She definitely wasn’t ready for the pain that was to come from this. She would probably bury herself back in her work, and hopefully by the time she looked up, it would be all over.
115
It Takes Two
Until death do us part. Chrasey had been through way too much with this man to just walk away. He owed
her his life, and she was going to take it. They were going to remain married, and raise their kids, and make the best of it.
Keith had his daughter to take care of, and she just learned to deal with that. She wasn’t going to be angry, she was going to accept the cards she’d been dealt. Her husband cheated on her, and he was stupid enough to get the woman pregnant. Maybe Chrasey was stupid for staying, but if it wasn’t for their kids together, she’d go. Why should she let him go so Lourdes could have him to raise their daughter together? She took enough from her—she wasn’t giving up that easy.
Just because Chrasey was staying didn’t mean she was going to submit to suffering. She knew the marriage was pretty much hopeless. They had nothing left between them but history, and that wasn’t enough to make them look forward to coming home. In theory, God puts people in your life for a reason. Trevor was her gift. Even if it was only for a season, he helped her get through. When she came home at night, and Keith was just sitting on the couch not talking to her, she felt a comfort knowing that Trevor wanted to talk to her. Even the nights that they didn’t talk, she knew that he would be on the other end if she wanted him to be. She also knew that when she needed some affection or good loving, he would meet her at the closest motel and put in some work.
Keith didn’t seem to notice or care that their marriage was right back where it had been. It was actually worse, because now there were trust issues that they couldn’t erase, and words exchanged that they wouldn’t forget. The baby hardly came up—it was out of sight but not out of mind for her.
They probably never would have the healthiest marriage, but they were honoring their vows, for better or worse. Working things out with Keith kept her hopes and promise alive. Trevor kept her alive.
116
Anything’s Possible
Who would’ve thought a girl like her, fast-tailed Dakota Watkins, would be able to have a settled-down relationship with one man? She guessed they were wrong, that you can’t turn a ho into a housewife, ’cause she was doing a pretty good job at it. She wasn’t his wife, but she might as well be. She and David had something really good going. They lived together, and picked out her engagement ring last week.
They decided to stay at her place instead of his, because her condo was bigger and his was farther away from both of their jobs. She’d met all of David’s friends, and he introduced her as wifey. Whenever he did go out, which was not often, he called to check on her regularly until he got home. She cooked dinner for him almost every night; he often came home to find her in her lingerie with a mood-set room. He loved when she did that.
All she knew was she was going to make sure her daughter, when she was fortunate enough to have one, learned to carry herself like a lady. She’d always thought because she was a diva that she was a lady. She realized now that being a lady is respecting your body. It didn’t just mean the nicest clothes, expensive jewelry, nice cars, and being able to get the finest men. It was what you did with all of that, and how you obtained those things. She’d used her body to get way too much of what she had, and as she got older, she felt less like a diva and more like a doormat. She wanted to make sure her daughter experienced life, but knew when to respect herself. Her mother never knew how to do that, but that’s what she will have her godmothers, Aunt Chrasey and Aunt Jordan, for. They were good with it.
She never thought she’d be looking at wedding magazines, but she picked up two this week. She thought he was going to ask at his family’s Thanksgiving dinner—he’d told her in so many words. So, with a wedding in her near future, she knew for a fact that anything’s possible.
Tony still called from time to time, hoping that she would fall. He told her one time that he really wished he’d realized how thankful he should have been to have her. All these other women were just about the money. He was tired of Jonelle mooching, he said; at least with Dakota, she had her own, and he knew she wasn’t with him for money. She’d tried to tell him that before. Too bad he’d realized it after the fact, like most men usually do. He never did marry Jonelle to her knowledge, and she was probably still waiting on the day. At least with her man, Dakota knew he was proposing to her because he wanted to. Not just to shut her up and make her happy.
117
Karma
They say what goes around comes around—goddamn, they weren’t lying. Jordan put her pride aside and told Omar she’d made the biggest mistake of her life. She told it all. She told him how Jayon cheated on her, and had the nerve to tell her that he still wanted them to still be friends. She knew he would get a thrill out of it, but she deserved it.
She was all prepared for the “I told you so” and the rubbing in her face. But she was not ready for the news. She couldn’t forget the way he’d broken it to her.
“I’m not going to say, good for you. I’m not going to ask why you are telling me. I’m just going to make it very clear, you made your bed, you lie in it. I am engaged to somebody else, so I am definitely not an option for you.”
I am engaged to somebody else, so I am definitely not an option for you ... I am engaged to somebody else, so I am definitely not an option for you ... I am engaged to somebody else, so I am definitely not an option for you ... That must have echoed about three or four times before her brain even began to compute it. She was standing in his living room while he sat on his couch, watching television. He’d barely given her eye contact whenever she’d come to pick Jason up, but when he said that, he had looked her right in her eyes. She could tell he wanted to make sure she got that message.
“Wow ... really?” she said, trying to hide overwhelming shock.
“Yeah—really, Jordan,” he replied with a tone that included the that’s right, and you can’t say two damn things to me about it.
“The girl you have been seeing for a few months?”
“Yeah, the one you heard about a few months ago. I have known her a lot longer than a few months.”
“Oh—well, that’s nice, Omar. Congratulations.” She tried to keep up the act as the knots began to form in her stomach.
As much as she tried to hide it, she could tell he saw it. He saw right through her fake nonchalance and was staring right at the pain written all over her face. She could tell he initially got a kick out of telling her. It was his chance to finally regain the pride that he always felt she took when he groveled to no avail. He had his opportunity to say, see, I rise. She was happy to see him rise, she truly was. It was just the worst time to find this out, especially because she wanted her family back. She’d given it away and had no right to ask for it back. When they say Karma is a motherfucker, they aren’t exaggerating.
Omar had her son and a new woman in his life. What more could he ask for? Damn sure not her. Who wanted her after what she had done to him? He had every right to treat her the way he has, she thought. She’d not only broken his heart, she’d embarrassed him in front of everyone who knew them. Although she had spent the past year justifying her actions, and she felt that he’d brought it on himself, the fact remained that what she did hurt him, and she knew it. Hurt turns to hate quicker than anything else with men. The irony is, with all the lines she gave him as justification for her behavior, he could use them right back on her if she had even one disagreement about his engagement, and he knew that. That’s why he said it so firmly.
However, she could tell he didn’t feel as good about gloating when he saw the pain she was hiding. Deep down, as much as he hated her, he probably pitied her. He had a big enough drop of love left for her to know that she was suffering enough, and he didn’t need to make it worse. He may have even felt bad, as did she when the shoe was on the other foot. She knew how that felt, to have to feel bad for making a decision that makes you happy and hurts someone else, and she didn’t want to make it any harder. So with no words of guilt, no tears for him to see, and no begging, she just started to walk away. Jason was waiting out in the car for her; she had picked him up to take him to a movie. Omar didn’t move from where he was
, didn’t get up to walk her to the door. As she reached for the doorknob to walk out, she turned back around and said, “Omar, I’m not just saying this because of you getting engaged or the fact that I played myself. But I need you to know, because I’ve never had the chance to say it before, I’m sorry. I truly am sorry, and I know deep down I deserve all of this.”
At first, he said nothing and didn’t even look her way. Then he looked up at her, and said, “We cool, Jordan—I don’t resent you. It just is what it is.” That was Omar’s way of telling her, I don’t have any issues. Do you, because I’m doing me. She got the hint and as she went to step through the door, he added, “And Jayon is a fool just like I was.”
She wanted to die inside. His comment made her feel a little better, but it made two points. One was that he was a big enough man to still say something nice under the circumstances and not make it worse than it had to be, but more importantly, Jayon was no better, and she should have stuck with what she had.
“Thanks,” she said as she walked out. Jason was in the car playing with his new PSP game his father bought him. She sat down in the car; just seeing him playing innocently, she realized Jason was all she had. This time, when Omar told her to “do you,” she realized this is what she should have been doing last time he said that as well. Jason was her. He should have been her strength, not Jayon. If she had realized this then, she wouldn’t be in this situation.
The pain won’t go away tomorrow, but one day she would wake up and happiness would be shining on her face again. A true diva picks herself up. She knew being alone may be a good thing for her. She could learn to love herself again, and one day possibly love another as she did Omar and Jayon.
Hey, you win some, you lose some—she lived this lesson for a living, and she knew it better than most. Now she also learned another lesson firsthand, and that is, what goes around comes around.
Diva Diaries Page 42