by Ari McKay
Dane’s stomach clenched with apprehension. He’d hoped she hadn’t noticed the tension, but she was a smart woman and trained in observation, so he wasn’t surprised.
“I wouldn’t say that,” he said, hoping to smooth things over. “You just met. It’s too early for hatred.” He debated whether to ask her not to mention meeting Cal since he was still trying to maintain the appearance of being on the outs with Cal. But Portia didn’t share much more than polite pleasantries with Randolph lately, so Dane trusted her discretion.
“Maybe.” Portia moved to the couch and sat down. “Let’s call it resentment, then. And jealousy. I’ve had women look like they wanted to claw my eyes out before, but this is the first time I’ve received the same vibe from a man. A very big, tough-looking man at that.”
“Cal is protective of me.” Dane sat down beside her, hoping he could spin this in a way she’d find plausible. She seemed to be more pragmatic than romantic, but he doubted her understanding would extend to accepting that her fiancé was in love with another man. “He’s not happy about me springing our engagement on him either.”
“Wait, you didn’t tell him about me at all?” Portia blinked in surprise. “Your best friend?”
Dane raked his fingers through his hair as he tried to figure out how to respond. There probably wasn’t much he could say that would help her understand why he’d hidden their relationship from Cal.
“Things happened rather quickly between us,” he said at last. “Beyond that….” He shook his head, his shoulders slumping. “I didn’t know how to tell him.”
Portia shook her head and rested her hand on his shoulder. “Let me guess. He’s an unrepentant romantic who doesn’t think much of people marrying for pragmatic reasons, right? No doubt he also knows that your father was pushing you to get married, and I’ve heard through the grapevine that he and your father aren’t on friendly terms. So he’s incensed that you’re getting married, and maybe you were afraid he’d talk you out of it.” She paused and shook her head. “No, that’s not you. You were afraid he’d be disgusted and storm out of your life. Am I close?”
Dane was surprised by how close she’d come to the truth, and he was grateful she hadn’t put the last few pieces of the puzzle together. “That’s pretty much it,” he said, smiling wryly. “I don’t have many people I can trust, and I didn’t want to lose him over this.”
“Dane, you’re a sweet man, and a good one, and from what you’ve told me about Cal Monroe, he doesn’t seem the type to throw away your friendship just because you’re getting married. Maybe you’re right, and he’s just being protective of you.” Portia gave his shoulder a squeeze. “He probably thinks I’m on your father’s side in this, when nothing could be further from the truth. I’ll just have to prove that to him by helping you put your father in his proper place.”
“Believe me, standing up to my father will earn you plenty of points in Cal’s book,” Dane said, trying to sound lighter than he felt. He suspected any points she earned by fighting Randolph’s attempts to meddle and control would be balanced out by her being Dane’s fiancée, perhaps his wife.
Portia nodded, seeming determined. “He’ll come around, you’ll see. We both have your best interests at heart, after all. I just wish you’d told him about me from the beginning. Honesty is always best. You probably haven’t seen that with the kind of person your father is, but people who aren’t controlling bastards tend to prefer knowing the truth.”
“I know.” Dane smiled sheepishly and gave a little shrug. “It’s difficult to break the habit of hiding, you know? Especially when you’re afraid of negative consequences. It’s something my therapist says I need to work on too.”
Dane considered going to therapy one of the best decisions of his life, right up there with maintaining his friendship with Cal. Portia had been supportive when he had mentioned the idea to her and had even used her professional connections to help him find a therapist who would be a good fit.
“I agree,” Portia replied, and she gave him a playful smile. “You know, your father probably thinks he’s very clever, pushing you to get married for practical reasons, but he’s got it wrong. I’m very fond of you, and I do think you’re fond of me, but that means we both have our eyes open. He’s not going to be able to emotionally manipulate me, and he’s unwittingly given you an ally. Not to mention I have money and a career of my own. Texas girls aren’t the timid type. If he sticks his nose into our marriage, I’ll cut it off and hand it back to him.”
Dane blinked, stunned into silence, and then he laughed as he thought about how much Randolph would hate it when he realized Dane hadn’t married a woman who would bend to Randolph’s will the way Diana had.
“I think he’ll be tougher to deal with than you think,” he said. “He’s stubborn, ruthless, and malicious, and he’s used to getting his way.”
Portia took one of Dane’s hands in both of hers, and looked at him with a somber expression. “Then we fight him together, right? This is going to be our lives, Dane. Not ours and his.”
Dane curled his fingers around hers as he gazed at her, wishing he was making a promise to Cal instead. “Right,” he said. “It’s going to be a difficult fight. I couldn’t do it alone.”
“Then it’s lucky you aren’t alone,” Portia replied with an emphatic nod. “Don’t worry, Dane. Men like your father don’t frighten me. We can do this. Together.”
“Together,” Dane said, although he was thinking about Cal, not her.
Ever since his conversation with Cal on the day his engagement was announced, Dane had felt like he was standing on the plank of a ship with pirates behind him, the rough sea below him, and strong winds whipping around him, threatening to send him tumbling into the water. Going back onto the ship and agreeing to whatever the pirates wanted was the safe option, but more and more, Dane found himself inching forward and peering down at the choppy waves. He didn’t know what would happen if he jumped. Maybe he’d drown. Or maybe he’d discover he wasn’t far from a safe harbor. Either way, he’d be free, and that was starting to look like the best option of all.
Chapter Six
DANE LOOKED around at the lavishly decorated ballroom with a growing sense of detachment, untouched by the festive atmosphere. Everything was perfect; Randolph had seen to that. The ballroom was decorated with a bridal theme in icy white and cold, glittering gold, and the extensive buffet had been prepared by one of the best catering businesses in the city. It was all very tasteful and all very expensive; Randolph had gone all out for his only son’s engagement party. Neither Karen nor Ellen had gotten such an extravagant party, nor had Randolph boasted about his future grandsons who would carry on the family name at their engagement parties. For once, Dane was glad his sisters were estranged from Randolph and thus hadn’t been invited; he would hate for them to think he was rubbing his “favored child” status in their faces.
Portia looked elegant in a silver sheath evening gown, and she appeared at ease while she mingled with the guests. He tried to imagine what their marriage would be like. They would have to appear to be a happy couple in public, and between her job and his, there would be no shortage of social events to attend. They would both have long hours at work. He would have to sleep with her often enough to conceive a child or two. At least they would have something they could both focus on. Perhaps he would grow to love her, but he would never fall in love with her. He couldn’t.
He was already in love with Cal Monroe, and he had been for longer than he cared to acknowledge. If he were free, he could be with the man he loved. If he were free, maybe one day he’d get engaged again, and he’d be as happy about it as Erik had been at Aphrodesia.
It would mean breaking away from everything familiar and rebuilding his life. He’d have to find a job, but if pride kept him from accepting a job offer from Cal, there were probably a few firms vindictive enough to hire the son of one of their rivals. Randolph wasn’t hurting for enemies, and Dane thought that might
work in his favor.
It would mean telling the truth about himself and what he wanted. Everyone would know he was gay, but at least he could stop hiding and pretending. It would mean destroying any chance of a relationship with his father, but that wasn’t a great loss. Their relationship was toxic—at least for Dane—and he would be far happier and better off without his father in his life. He would still be able to see his mother, and perhaps his sisters would be interested in reconciling as well once they realized Randolph’s perfect son wasn’t so perfect after all.
The more he thought about it, the more he realized that what he would lose by coming out really wasn’t all that much of a loss. It was frightening to think of making such a huge, drastic change that would upheave everything, but in the long run, it would allow him to live his life on his own terms. If he didn’t, then he would have to resign himself to years, perhaps decades of remaining trapped in a sham marriage, and under his father’s thumb.
He looked around the room again, seeing the celebratory trappings as an empty facade; Randolph’s stranglehold on his life was smothering him, and as despair and despondency overwhelmed him, something inside him snapped. He felt like he was outside of his own body as he approached Portia and grasped her elbow to lead her to a more secluded area of the ballroom.
“I can’t do this, Portia,” he said without preamble. “You’re a wonderful woman, and any man would be lucky to have you, but going through with this wouldn’t be fair to either one of us.” He braced himself—and jumped. “I’m gay.”
Portia looked at him for a long moment, then gave him a wry smile. “I admit, I had a few suspicions on that score,” she replied. Reaching out, she took his hand. “Especially after meeting your friend Cal. That’s kind of why I was pushing. I was hoping you’d confide in me.”
“I’m sorry.” Dane gave her hand a little squeeze. “I’m not used to trusting people or confiding in them. It bit me on the ass too many times when I was younger. ‘Friends’ took things I said straight to Father. I’m working on it.”
“That’s really horrible for people to do that to you. But I hope you know by now that you can trust me.” Portia suddenly chuckled. “It also explains why you never tried anything. I know plenty of men who are gentlemen, but I was wondering if you didn’t find me attractive at all. It’s a relief to my ego to know it’s not just me!”
“No, not at all!” Dane squeezed her hand again, wanting to reassure her. “It has nothing to do with you. I think you’re a very attractive woman, but it’s time for me to be honest with myself and you and everyone else before I get us bogged down in a marriage that won’t make either of us happy.”
“Good.” She tilted her head. “I’m glad you told me before we were married, and I’m glad to see you standing up for what you want instead of falling in line with your father’s wishes. I hope I helped in some small way.”
“Seeing you willing to stand up to my father did help,” Dane said. “You were ready to fight for us, and I wasn’t even willing to fight for myself. I was too afraid, but you and Cal have helped me find my courage.”
“Good. I’m proud of you.” Portia craned up and kissed him on the cheek. “Speaking of Cal, tell him he’d better treat you right, or I’ll kick his ass.”
Dane’s eyes widened as he stared at her. “What? How did you…?”
“Oh, please!” Portia laughed and gave his hand another squeeze. “His feelings weren’t hard to guess, especially given how he reacted to me. I mentioned it at the time, remember? But I didn’t know you reciprocated until just now.”
“I do. I love him,” Dane said, and just saying the words aloud was both terrifying and exhilarating. “Now I have to tell him that.”
“Then you’d better get to it.” Portia released his hand with another squeeze. “Do you want me to tell your father I called off our engagement? That might give you enough time to run.”
“Tempting,” Dane said with a wry chuckle. “But no. I need to do this myself. I wouldn’t say no to some moral support, though.”
“I’d be happy to. Tell you what, can we tell my parents first? I’d rather they didn’t find out from your father bellowing at the top of his lungs.”
Dane thought sparing her parents from the fallout of Randolph’s inevitable meltdown was the least he could do. Fortunately, they were gracious when Portia told them she and Dane had decided they would be better off as friends than as husband and wife. Dane offered his regrets that they wouldn’t be his in-laws, and he meant it. Theirs seemed to be a match based on genuine respect and affection, and he felt far more relaxed around them than he did around Randolph.
After bidding them farewell, Dane squared his shoulders and went in search of Randolph. His stomach was roiling with fear, and he felt light-headed from sheer nerves, but he kept moving. Then he was there, standing in front of Randolph and speaking the words.
“The engagement is off.”
Randolph froze, staring at Dane in disbelief, and Dane realized he’d managed to render his father speechless. Seconds ticked by, long enough for Dane to wonder if he’d caused Randolph to suffer a heart attack from pure shock. Anger flared in Randolph’s eyes, and he quickly glanced to either side, seeing that only the two cronies he’d been talking with had overheard Dane’s announcement. He made a sharp gesture and the men—a wealthy industrialist and a banker, both of whom Cal suspected owed his father for helping them escape prosecution—melted away.
“Whatever you did to cause this, you’d better fix it right now!” Randolph hissed, his hands flexing at his sides as though he was suppressing the urge to reach out and wring Dane’s neck. “It’s gone too far to stop now, boy. I’m not about to allow you to ruin everything.”
Portia stepped up beside him, looking as poised and haughty as a queen. “I’m afraid that’s not an option, Mr. Coulter. Dane and I have agreed that we don’t suit one another after all. I am very fond of Dane, but I wouldn’t be the right person for him. I’m sorry we didn’t realize earlier, but it wouldn’t be right to continue with what would be a charade.”
Dane lifted his chin and braced himself as he faced the destruction of his life as he’d always known it. “I told her the truth, and she isn’t interested in marrying a gay man.”
Dane’s father reared back, nostrils flaring as his face began to flush with fury. “So that’s it! Monroe filled your head with his queer bullshit, didn’t he? Well, you can put that right out of your head, boy. I’m not going to allow you to embarrass this family by claiming you’re a faggot. Say it was a joke, and I’ll forget this little incident ever happened. But if you cross me….” He let the threat trail off with a dire glare.
Dane realized he was shaking, and he struggled to keep his voice steady as he confronted Randolph in a way he’d never done before in his life, scared and triumphant at the same time at his own newfound boldness. He felt a hand on his shoulder and realized Portia was standing by him, supporting him. “No, it’s not a joke, and I’m done with lying and pretending. I’m gay, and I’m not going to marry Portia or any other woman.”
For the first time he could ever remember, Dane saw a flicker of uncertainty in Randolph’s eyes. His father obviously hadn’t been expecting Dane to do anything like this, and certainly he wouldn’t have expected Dane to stand his ground. But Randolph Coulter always had anger to fall back on when his orders were disobeyed.
“You are not my son!” Randolph shouted. “Get out! You’ll regret this! I am going to hound you until you come crawling back and beg me for forgiveness!”
“That will never happen,” Dane stated matter-of-factly, and then he turned and strode toward the exit, refusing to listen to whatever ranting or abuse Randolph intended to hurl at him. He saw his mother standing off to one side with some of her friends, and she smiled at him. There was a light of relief and happiness in her eyes, and she blew him a quick kiss. Portia was still standing near his father, and she smiled and gave him a thumbs-up of support.
With ev
ery step he took, he began to feel lighter, as if a great weight was being lifted from his spirit, and he couldn’t muster so much as a twinge of regret for breaking free of Randolph at last. People parted to give Dane a clear path, more than one of them murmuring congratulations as he passed by, and Dane realized he might have far more support than he’d thought while trying to rebuild his life—perhaps even more support than Randolph had.
He stopped just long enough to retrieve his coat, but he abandoned his car in favor of hailing a cab back to his apartment. Randolph would likely be too busy trying to spin the situation in his favor with his cronies at the party to follow Dane, but Dane didn’t want to take any chances. His bank accounts were in his name only, so Randolph couldn’t touch those, but he could get Dane evicted. Dane didn’t care about losing the apartment, but he did want to get his things out first.
Packing didn’t take long. He had few personal belongings other than his clothes. He crammed everything into his largest suitcase, heedless of wrinkling the tailored suits and shirts, and he filled his toiletry bag, and then he was finished. Everything else in the professional showplace could stay, and he wouldn’t miss any of it. Wherever he lived next, however, would be decorated the way he wanted, and it would have the kind of sentimental photos and personal knickknacks that a real home accumulated.
As he crossed the lobby, he was tempted to leave his keys with the doorman. He had cleared out everything he wanted to keep, and he had no intention of returning, after all. Giving up his keys would let him sever one more tie with Randolph, so he paused before leaving the building and held out his keys, along with a hundred-dollar bill, to the doorman.
“If Randolph Coulter comes looking for me, tell him he can pick up the keys from you,” he said, and yet more weight lifted from his shoulders as he walked out of the building, rolling his suitcase behind him.
He stood on the sidewalk and took stock of his life as he listened to the traffic. He no longer had a home or a job, but he didn’t regret giving up either, given they both kept him tied to Randolph. Tomorrow, he would have to start looking for a new job and a place to live, but tonight…. Tonight, he knew exactly where he wanted to be.