“It’s okay, JJ. I think it’s great she got you in a fix, it’s been a while since you’ve thought this way about another woman.”
“You’re right it has been a while.”
“How long has it been now?”
“About five years I think.”
“Yay, you’re moving forward at last,” Selena said, and leant over to give Jamie a kiss on the cheek.
“What do you mean?” Jamie was bemused as to why Selena was so happy.
“Because previously you would’ve been able to tell me the exact length of time since Rachel died.”
“Oh, I see what you mean.” Jamie was quiet and contemplated what Selena was trying to get at. It was true she’d been mourning Rachel for a long time, maybe now was the right time to move on. Even if there wasn’t to be anything between her and Lucy she had to stop living in the past.
“What will you do when she comes back to the shop to collect her painting?”
“Don’t you mean—if she comes back in? It’s not as if she paid a deposit or anything to make her feel obliged to come back.”
“You don’t think she will then?”
“I don’t really know. I hope she does.”
“Well, JJ, don’t let the grass grow under your feet.”
“Oh come on, Selena, it’s not like we’re going to get it together is it? I mean if she’s on holiday, we’d be having a long distance relationship at best, even assuming she’s gay and single in the first place.”
“I know there are a few obstacles to overcome, but I’m sure it’ll be all right in the end.”
“A few obstacles? That’s an understatement if I ever heard one.”
“True love never runs smooth.”
“You’re jumping the gun a bit aren’t you, Sel? I only met Lucy yesterday.”
“You never know what’s just around the corner.”
“Well my dinner is for one thing.”
Jamie finished off her beer and got up.
“Right, I’m off. Are you staying?”
“No I’m going too, I’ll walk with you.”
Selena finished her drink and both women left the pub to walk home.
Chapter Four
DAY THREE OF Lucy’s holiday dawned. She opened her bedroom curtains and looked out at what was shaping up to be another bright, clear day.
Lucy’s plans for the day involved taking the bus into Scarborough. She could drive but she fancied seeing some of the countryside and she could do that better from the bus. The added bonus being she wouldn’t have to find a probably expensive parking space.
Lucy was going to spend the whole day in Scarborough. So after breakfast she made some sandwiches and grabbed a bottle of drink from the fridge. Her intention was to sit and have her lunch while enjoying the fresh sea air.
She didn’t see the point in paying for lunch when she could take her own. The money she saved could go toward the painting.
Once she’d packed her backpack with her camera and lunch, Lucy put on her lightweight jacket and made her way to the bus stop. She’d picked up a timetable the first day she went out, so she knew what time the buses departed and how long the journey would be.
Lucy stopped at the newsagent on the way, and bought a local paper to read on her journey. She could check out any local events to see if they would appeal to her. She’d packed her guide book as well, so she could map out the next few days. She quite fancied taking a drive to Goathland, which was supposed to be very beautiful and was where they filmed the TV series Heartbeat.
The bus journey wasn’t too tedious as she spent some of the time reading and occasionally looking up at the scenery. It was quite spectacular and Lucy was glad she’d opted to go by bus. They went through a number of villages that were exactly as the guide book described them. The bus rose out of Fylingthorpe to come out on top of the moors, and the view there was splendid. Lucy quickly grabbed her camera and managed to get some good shots through the bus window. They carried on until they got to Scalby, a lovely village with a twelfth century church. Lucy knew they were only about ten minutes away from Scar-borough so she returned her things to her backpack ready to disembark. As she waited for their arrival at the bus station, she could almost imagine herself moving up to Yorkshire and living in one of the beautiful villages.
That’s not a good idea, Lucy, especially as you don’t know anyone up here. Well not unless you count Jamie.
As she thought about Jamie she felt warm inside and her stomach fluttered.
What on earth was that all about?
Lucy was a little concerned at the visceral reaction she had when she thought about Jamie.
The bus arriving at Scarborough interrupted her train of thought. She got off and walked into the town to wander around, before she made her way to the beach for her lunch.
According to her research, Scarborough had lots of attractions aside from the beach. She knew about the castle and the famous hotel, The Grand. This wonderful piece of Victorian architecture dominated the skyline when viewed from the beach. Scarborough was considered the Queen of the Yorkshire Coast and had apparently been welcoming visitors for over three hundred and sixty years, making it Britain’s oldest seaside resort.
Scarborough was no different than many of the towns Lucy had visited over the years. They were the same wherever you went. She thought they must have a cloning tool in every town planning office.
Fast food outlets, department stores and clothes shops seem to dominate every town. Lucy had a look in the clothes shops to see if there was anything that took her fancy. She was going to retire soon, so there was no need to replenish her work wardrobe. She realised that she didn’t even need any clothes for her social wardrobe as she didn’t go out much. Lucy didn’t have very many friends, mostly socialising with work colleagues.
Wow, how sad am I? That’s something I’ll have to make an effort to change.
With that thought she left the fancy clothes shops and headed for the outdoor pursuits chain Mountain Warehouse.
Lucy was more comfortable spending a lot of her time in jeans, t-shirts or shirts. In the winter she added a thick jumper for warmth. She hardly ever wore a skirt to work, preferring well-cut tailored trousers. Dresses didn’t suit her at all and she hated wearing them. She didn’t mind long dresses, and had worn them on occasion when she and Brian had gone to a company dinner and dance.
Lucy went into a kitchen-ware shop, and marvelled at all the gadgets you could buy. Every shop she wandered around had very little appeal and she walked out empty handed. She knew she would only be buying something on a whim and not because she needed it.
Not like buying the painting then Lucy?
The only thing she did purchase was a slushy romance for the bus ride home, and her evenings in the cottage.
She made her way to the beach front and found somewhere she could sit and have her lunch. There were a lot of lovely coloured beach huts in rows along the seafront. They reminded her of a day trip to Whitstable where along the promenade were the same type of huts. Here they were in blocks with gaps between to allow people to get up and down the grassy banks. In the distance she could see the white pyramids that housed the Sea Life Centre.
As she ate she surveyed her surroundings. It was quite busy with a lot of people out and about. Perhaps they were having a late holiday as well. A couple walked toward her, hand in hand, and it wasn’t until they were nearly upon her that she realised they were both women. At first Lucy was a little shocked, but mostly because they were so open and so obviously in love. She could see from their body language and the way they were conversing, how much they cared for each other. One of the women saw her looking, and smiled at her as they passed by. Lucy smiled back and her thoughts turned to Jamie as they walked into the distance. Suddenly she realised why she’d been having these curious feelings about the gallery owner and why it was so important what Jamie thought of her.
Oh my god, I’m attracted to her. No, that’s absurd. I just li
ke her because she’s friendly, and we get along. Besides which we’ve only just met, how can I possibly be attracted to her?
Lucy finished her lunch and binned her rubbish before sitting and thinking about her epiphany. She’d never had such a strong physical reaction to someone as she had to Jamie. She hadn’t thought about women in that way before, so why was it happening now?
Lucy had a few female friends and colleagues with whom she got on very well. She never gave them a second thought with regard to attraction. Of course, she realised, a woman could appreciate another woman’s beauty and figure, as easily as a woman could appreciate a handsome man. Lucy had always thought of herself as a man’s woman, someone who was happy in the presence of men, and happy in bed with them as well. She’d never given a moment’s thought to what it would be like to sleep with a woman.
Well now that’s not strictly true is it Lucy?
She remembered a number of years ago when she’d been to the gym. Two women in a film she’d watched the night before were in love with each other. And now as she thought about it, she remembered feeling a little strange, almost turned on when watching the women kissing. At the gym she’d seen a woman who bore a striking resemblance to one of the main characters. A thought had flitted across Lucy’s consciousness, of how it would be to kiss her and go to bed with her.
For goodness sake, Lucy, it’s not as if watching the film has turned you gay.
And then she wondered why she’d thought of it in that way. Lucy remembered feeling her stomach flutter as she’d watched the kiss the women shared. She’d also had that same feeling earlier, as the two women passed her, walking hand in hand. Lucy realised that when she thought of Jamie, she got that self-same fluttering.
What on earth is happening to me? I’m nearly sixty-two years old for goodness sake? Surely I should have realised before now.
Lucy was becoming confused about what was going on with her at the moment. She’d had a good marriage with Brian, and they’d produced a lovely daughter in Alexi. Their marriage wasn’t the passionate affair it would appear a lot of people had, but they’d got along and survived thirty-five years. Had they though, or had they just got into a rut and let it take them where it would? The more she thought about her marriage the more Lucy realised there’d been a lot missing. At the time none of it mattered, she was too busy taking care of business as it were. And she had nothing to compare it to. Certainly not the slushy romances she read, or the films of the forties and fifties that portrayed love as romantic. So was there ever a time when Lucy felt as she did now when she was thinking about Jamie? Did she ever have that feeling when she was with Brian? She thought she had in the beginning, but now she wasn’t so sure.
Her head was swimming with too many answerless questions. She left her thoughts behind and decided to carry on walking, albeit in a daze. On seeing a sign to the castle, she consulted her guide book and saw it was only a short distance away. Lucy didn’t want to go back into town and thought taking a walk to the castle would fill in the time until her bus came.
She toured the castle but didn’t take much of it in. Her mind was full of thoughts of Jamie, lesbians, and whether she could be one or not. Lucy was very confused about what she was feeling, and why it was happening at this late stage in her life. She looked at her watch and saw it was time to catch the bus back to Whitby.
As she walked to the bus stop Lucy realised she didn’t fancy cooking. She felt out of sorts and decided that a pub meal was in order. There was one not far from her cottage, and she thought she would give it a try. Lucy was fairly certain it did have food.
She got on the bus, settled in the seat and started to read for the journey back to Whitby. But her mind was not wholly on the book she’d just bought. She must have read the same page at least a dozen times. Finally fed-up with her lack of concentration, she closed it to watch the scenery pass by.
“DO YOU FANCY a meal in the Anchor tonight?” Selena asked Jamie as they started to close up the shop.
“Yeah that’s a great idea. Let’s make it my treat as I’ve been a bit off lately.”
“Oh a free meal, how can I refuse?”
Jamie switched off the lights after setting the alarm, then locked the door and double checked it.
They took the short walk to the Anchor in silence, until Selena heard Jamie gasp and stop dead.
“What’s up?”
“I don’t fancy eating in the pub tonight.”
“Why not? You were all for it a few minutes ago,” Selena said.
“Lucy’s about to go in.”
“Ooh, that’s handy. Come on. You can find out why she never came back to the shop.”
“No. I’m going home. Sorry, Sel, I’ll buy you dinner another night.”
Jamie walked off leaving Selena standing open-mouthed.
JAMIE MENTALLY KICKED herself all the way home. What was it about Lucy? She felt certain she was gay, or was that just wishful thinking. If she wasn’t gay then it meant Lucy was a no go for Jamie as she would never get involved with a straight woman. She wanted no part of the great experiment. It was common knowledge that a lot of women liked the thrill of indulging in girl on girl action. It made for interesting conversation, great kudos and sometimes incredible sex, when they told their husbands.
What is men’s fascination with girl on girl action?
Jamie sat in the armchair by her fireplace and cursed her cowardice and stupidity. Why on earth did she avoid going in the pub? She and Selena only needed to say hello, nothing else. She’d missed out on a perfectly good meal and a beer or two because she was an idiot.
Jamie laughed at the absurdity of the whole situation, and the fact that Lucy had really got under her skin.
I don’t know why I’m laughing, it’s not really that funny.
Jamie hadn’t been in this position before. She’d never fallen for a woman who was more than likely straight. Jamie didn’t know what she should do. Maybe she’d let Lucy in because she was safe. There was no chance she’d return Jamie’s feelings, so she could let it happen and not worry about the consequences. No, that wasn’t true. There were always consequences, and lusting from afar was still going to get her into trouble. Trouble of the emotional kind and that was the very worst consequence. It was certainly one that could take a bit of getting over. Maybe she was testing the water. It was the first time she’d been interested in anyone since Rachel died.
That brought Jamie up short. Perhaps that was the answer to the way she was feeling. Rachel had left a big hole in her heart to be filled, and Jamie wasn’t sure anyone could fill it. Hence the safety of her feelings for Lucy, who was to be avoided at all costs.
Jamie thought about what she was going to do. But there was nothing to be done really. Lucy was not going to come back to the shop. Well not yet anyway, maybe she’d not managed her quest and was too embarrassed to admit it.
“Of course that’s it, why didn’t I realise it before? I’m such a dork thinking only of myself.”
Once Jamie had come to that conclusion, she saw it was the only answer. If she’d said she was going to do something and didn’t manage it, Jamie felt sure Lucy wouldn’t want to lose face by admitting it, even to someone she’d only just met. She just hoped Lucy would come into the shop before she went back home.
Jamie wondered why it was so important to her. But deep down she knew why, she was falling for Lucy and there was no stopping the inevitable. Ever since the first time she saw her she knew how it was going to end.
So much for trying to analyse my feelings, I am so going to get hurt here if I’m not careful. Even knowing that, Jamie couldn’t wait until she saw Lucy again.
LUCY ARRIVED BACK at the cottage after her great day out, topped off by her lovely meal at the Anchor. She sat at the table and opened her journal to make what was becoming her usual nightly entry. She was actually enjoying putting down what she’d done each day. When Lucy got together with Alexi she’d have lots to tell her about her holiday. Lucy ha
d been nagged by Alexi for quite a while to get away and recharge her batteries.
Tuesday 11th September
Another lovely day out and about in Yorkshire. Today I went to Scarborough. I took the bus as I didn’t fancy the drive. Mind you it would have been quicker by car, but at least I had time to enjoy the scenery on the way. Something that’s difficult to do when you’re driving.
I didn’t have time to see the castle properly, so another trip will definitely be in order before I go home.
Actually my mind wasn’t focused on it at all.
I think I’ve discovered something about myself that has completely thrown me. I spent a lot of time turning it over, while I sat by the sea front.
I seem to have feelings for someone that I’ve only just met. This in itself isn’t such a big deal, except the person in question is a woman.
So am I gay? That’s a question I don’t seem to have an answer to, well not yet anyway. I have to say it doesn’t scare me as much as I thought it would. I thought I would have gone running to the hills. Being attracted to a woman has certainly never entered my thoughts before. If I am gay I wonder why I’ve never realised it sooner than now. Oh well I’ll have to think about things before I start putting a label on what is, or isn’t, happening to me.
Lucy put her pen down and stared at the words. After a few minutes she sighed, got up and went into the kitchen to make a mug of hot chocolate. She put the gas fire on to warm the room and sat in the large armchair beside it. Although the day had been warm in the sunshine, the sun had now set and Lucy was feeling the cold. She warmed her feet in front of the fire, and cupped her hands around her hot chocolate. As she sat in the warmth, her thoughts turned to Jamie. Was it true? Was she attracted to Jamie in the same way a man would be attracted? Was it reciprocal? She thought it was, but what did she really know about any of this? They certainly hit it off from the first moment they met. Lucy didn’t know what to make of it all, especially as she didn’t remember any feelings like this appearing before now. Why would it take all these years for her to have a reaction like this to another woman? From what little she knew it would seem most gay people knew at an early age, so why hadn’t she? Maybe she’d been gay all her life but hadn’t recognised the signs. To a degree she’d led a fairly sheltered life and didn’t remember ever meeting a lesbian.
199 Steps to Love Page 4