“Joshua, I…” she trailed off. Words just didn’t seem sufficient at the moment.
The one thing that she did know was that she did not know how she felt in return.
His face searched hers, and she knew that it would be a cruel thing to not speak. He had just shared his entire heart to her, laid himself completely vulnerable before her, and his fear was as great as hers had been, if not maybe more now. She knew all he wanted to hear was that she felt the same way but…she didn’t. At the very least, she wasn’t sure.
If anything, she felt a deep rooted guilt at hearing his words, as if she were doing something sinfully wrong. She felt as if Micah were just out of earshot, and that Joshua was almost stepping out of bounds. But then the realization that Micah was gone and had been gone for going on two years now hit her hard as well, and the pain was numbing.
Her head felt as if it might burst.
“Joshua,” she decided to begin with, “thank you.” She squeezed his hand which was still in her own. “Thank you for being so utterly honest and open with me. I am thankful that you think so highly of me to be so frank. I feel blessed to know a man with your courage.”
“I don’t have any, my hesitation to tell you shows that.”
She shook her head. “We don’t always know God’s plans for our life,” and as she said it, it made her consider her own heart. “And you were brave. Because sharing your heart in such a way takes great bravery, and I am not sure just anyone could do what you have done with the circumstances that we are in.”
She sighed and pulled her hand away. As soon as she did it, a sadness came upon Joshua’s face, a stricken expression and his jaw tightened.
“That being said, this is something that I need to consider very carefully. As you have said, I loved Micah. I still very much do, and the things that you have told me are very important. I do not want to take them lightly at all. And so I ask that you give me some time to consider them before I give you any sort of reply.”
“I’m not asking you to make any sort of decision,” Joshua started, but she respectfully held up her hand.
“I know you are not, but the very nature of this conversation implores me to make one. I want to know, and I wish for you to know, what my feelings are in return. Otherwise, our relationship will never be the same.”
He smiled in a wry way. “I don’t think it will ever be the same regardless.”
She nodded. “I would like some time to think and to pray. I want to be able to respond with the most wisdom that I can, and be able to be good to you as well. If you wouldn’t mind.”
He let out a long breath. “It’s the least I can do for you. This was a lot for me to put on you. And I’m sorry for that.”
“No,” she said. “You don’t have to be sorry for anything.”
She walked him to the door, her head feeling as if it were filled with hot water.
He turned and smiled weakly at her. “Well…good night.”
“Good night,” Anna said in reply.
They looked at each other for another moment before Joshua turned away from her and headed away out into the darkness.
She watched him walk until she couldn’t see him anymore, and then closed the door behind him. She leaned up against the wood and clutched her dress over her heart.
How was it that one person could feel so much?
*****
She heard Elizabeth’s cries at the same moment that the sun’s first rays of dawn began to peek through the trees of the forest behind her house. She sat up in her bed groggily and rubbed her eyes.
And then, as if it were with the force of a winter’s gale, the memories of the night before slammed into her.
Joshua. Micah. Childhood. Marriage.
Love.
And she immediately fell back into the blankets and pulled the pillow over her head.
Eventually she allowed her self-pity to pass and she roused herself from the comfort and safety of bed to tend to Elizabeth. She hated to hear her cry for more than a few moments.
She found that if she busied herself with caring for Elizabeth, she didn’t have as much energy to think about Joshua and what he said. So she made sure to be thorough with breakfast, morning bath time, and taking her out to feed the chickens.
There was a bite to the air that morning that unsettled her. She drew her woolen sweater more tightly over her shoulders, and she watched as Elizabeth’s cheeks grew more pink with every passing moment.
And the cold also wiped any and all thoughts she had stuffed her head with that morning to block out thinking of Joshua and their conversation the night before.
But she didn’t know what to think.
She was frustrated, and sad, and hurt. She found herself wondering if she were to look back on any of her many memories with him if she could find any hint of his feelings. His withdrawal seemed to be the most obvious, but after Micah entered her life, she remembered little else.
What would life have been like, she wondered, if Joshua had not been so fearful and had approached her before Micah had? Would she have married him? What would her life look like now?
Probably very similar to how it does now, but perhaps without the heartache, she thought. She had seen how he was with her child; loving, affectionate, and just so gentle. She knew him better than she knew most people. She had this bizarre sensation of being able to evaluate her life from two different angles, two different paths; a path which she had followed when she married Micah, but a path she had never known or thought of, marrying Joshua. And now, she had seen how those lives would have looked, and in reality, how they were.
She sighed heavily. Elizabeth waddled over to her and tugged on her dress and asked to be picked up. She began to feel the chill beginning to seep into her own skin and saw the way that Elizabeth shivered in her thick clothes.
So they returned indoors for some warm tea and milk, and eggs. As she was finishing their mid-morning meal, there was a knock on her door. Cold fear flooded her body.
I thought I asked him for some time to think…she thought. But she made her way to the door, determined to tell Joshua that she still needed some time to wrap her head around their conversation. She steeled herself and took a deep breath before pulling the door open.
“Mother,” Anna said.
“Good morning, dear. Why do you look so surprised to see me? We were going to work on the quilt for Elizabeth’s birthday this morning, remember?”
“Oh, right, of course, come in,” she said, standing aside and allowing her mother to pass. She closed the door as her mother stepped through. “Can I get you some tea? I just made some.”
“Oh that sounds lovely on this cold day. Thank you.”
They sat at the table together with Elizabeth in her small playpen beside them. Anna sipped her hot tea, relishing the feeling of the warmth as it passed through her limbs.
“Are you doing alright this morning?” her mother asked.
Anna glanced at her out of the corner of her eye. “I’m fine,” she replied hastily.
Her mother’s eyes narrowed. “That was a quick reply.”
Anna buried her face in her tea.
“No response?”
Anna remained quiet.
“I saw that you were with Joshua again yesterday,” her mother said with a smile. “Did you have a nice afternoon?”
Anna swallowed a large mouthful of the hot liquid and it caused her sputter and cough.
“Oh, heavens,” her mother said. She patted her back to help her clear her throat.
Anna nodded as she took another sip. “Thank you.”
“So you had a nice day yesterday?”
Anna sighed. “I suppose.”
“What do you mean?”
She looked up at her mother and wondered, for just a moment, if it was wise to tell her. Her mother had been vital in her coping with Micah’s death, and she was so grateful for her kindness and compassion. She had been married to her father for going on thirty years, and
if anyone could help her to understand her feelings, perhaps it was her.
So she told her mother the entire conversation that she and Joshua had had the night before. She realized as she spoke that she had been running all morning from the conversation and that she really needed to decide what she was going to do. She found that when she was done talking that tears had stained her cheeks and the table beneath her, and that her tea had grown cold.
She sat back in her chair, spent all over again. Reliving it had been more difficult than she thought, and her heart hammered against her ribs again, almost painfully.
“My dear, you can’t be serious when you say that you weren’t aware of his feelings?”
The statement surprised her. “Of course, I wouldn’t be this shocked if I had already known!”
Her mother reached across the table and squeezed her hand. “It was obvious to us and to his parents. But we didn’t want to interfere or push anything on you both. If he really wanted it, then we assumed he would approach you. When he didn’t, and you met Micah, that was the end of it.”
“Are you saying that it’s what you and father had been wanting?”
“I’m saying that we would have been pleased with the choice.” She smiled. “Sweetheart, we loved Micah. Truly, we did. He was a fine match for you, and a wonderful husband. Your father and I could have not been more proud. But Joshua was familiar and kind and we knew he would also have been good for you.”
Anna felt as if her head was spinning. “I feel like my life is not at all what I had thought it was.”
“Why? Nothing has changed.”
“Everything has changed!” Anna cried. “This completely changes the way that I am seeing my childhood and my relationship with both Micah and Joshua. I don’t know if I made a mistake by marrying Micah or if I made a mistake by not seeing Joshua’s affections, or if this is all just wrong and I should just let things go back to the way they were and tell him that I have no interest in him.”
“But do you really want to do that? Tell him that you have no interest?”
Anna hesitated. “Oh, I don’t know. I really don’t!”
“What are you afraid of, Anna? There is a great fear in you about this. He hasn’t asked for anything, he just wanted you to know. When you love someone, it is always better to let them know.”
“I know,” she said. She laid her head down on the table. “I just…Micah…It just feels wrong.”
Her mother patted her back. “Sweetheart, are you afraid of confronting this because you are afraid of what Micah would think?”
“If Micah were here Mother, I wouldn’t be in this situation!”
“This is true, but my dear…” her voice softened. “He isn’t here anymore. And I’m sorry to say that so plainly.”
And then tears filled Anna’s eyes. All of Joshua’s words made her face the fact that her husband had passed away in a fresh way that she had never thought of. She still loved him dearly, but it was like loving the wind; you could not hold onto it, no matter how hard you tried. She had no idea which way to turn, which way was up, and she felt so heavy.
“Are you afraid that you are betraying him?”
Anna nodded her head. “That’s it exactly. I feel as if I am doing something horribly wrong by even considering these things.”
“But you aren’t, my dear. Micah loved you more than he loved anything else in this entire world. He would want for you to be happy, and for Elizabeth to be happy. He would never hold any of this against you. He would not want you to waste your life in this house all alone with nothing but his memory. That is not living; that is existing. It will be two years before long, and those are two years that you have been lonely, hurting, and broken.”
“What are you suggesting, Mother?”
“I am not suggesting anything. All I am telling you is that you do not need to feel guilty for anything you might be feeling. I am not saying you should feel anything. But you can feel free to respond to this situation in any way that you might want to, whether that be by evaluating how you feel about Joshua, or by accepting it and moving on until you feel that you are more ready to handle it. But if I know you, you will not be satisfied to just lay this aside and move on for a while. You want to handle it now and make a choice now, otherwise you will agonize over it.”
Anna nodded her head. She sighed. Maybe that was exactly it. Maybe she felt guilty about any thoughts about Joshua in reciprocal manner. Maybe she was agonizing over it when she felt that she was not being wise.
“You are only hurting yourself in all of this, my love.”
Anna’s lip quivered. “I don’t know what to think,” she replied honestly. “I miss Micah, and at the same time, I am touched by Joshua’s words. If he had actually told me when we were younger…maybe things would be different.” The guilt spiked again as she spoke, but it wasn’t as harsh. “I don’t know!”
“Well, one thing that I do encourage you to think about is Elizabeth,” her mother said, gesturing to the happy little child in the playpen, her eyes wide and watching them, her hands clenched around some soft toys.
Anna looked over at her. “What do you mean?”
“Now don’t take this the wrong way, but is it wise for her to grow up without a father? Or, rather, a father-figure?”
“Mother…”
Her mother held up her hands. “I am not telling you to do anything. But sweetheart, think about it. It is not good for a child to grow up without both parents. At the very least, I encourage you to think about her and what is best for you by working through your heart and coming to a conclusion that is good for you both.”
Anna yanked on her hair. “Mother, are you saying that I should marry Joshua?”
“What I am saying is that it would not be as bad as you are making it out to be. Be open to the idea of someone else stepping in to take care of you and your daughter.”
“I didn’t think it would be bad, necessarily…”
“But you greatly fear it.”
“Yes…yes, I guess I do.”
Her mother looked at her. “You don’t have to tell him you love him today. I think that you are afraid that you must share his feelings.”
“I don’t,” Anna replied. “But maybe you are right. I feel this pressure to give him something in return.”
Her mother shook her head. “Don’t do that to yourself. But I do encourage you to speak with him.”
Anna agreed.
Later that afternoon, she found herself standing at the door of Joshua’s family’s farm house. She knocked and waited for a reply.
Joshua answered, and she immediately grabbed his hand and pulled him outside. Seeing his face set her heart at ease, and she found that to be a comfort.
“Joshua, I have done some thinking. I need you to know right up front that I am not in love with you.”
His face fell, but he nodded. “I didn’t think that you were. I will be honest and say that I hoped that maybe you had fallen in love with me in the last few months.”
Anna reached for his hand. “I may not be in love with you, but I didn’t say that it wouldn’t happen.” She smiled up at him. “I have realized that you have been, and are, one of the greatest friends that I have ever had. And I am so grateful for how you treat both Elizabeth and I. And…” she took a deep breath. “I felt a great guilt about Micah when we spoke the other night.”
Joshua bent his head. “I didn’t mean to cause you any grief, Anna.”
“No, it’s alright. I spent a long time with my mother this morning talking about what my life means now without him. I still feel like a wife, but I am a widow now.” She steeled herself. “I spent an even longer time in prayer this afternoon. And I feel peace about how things are. I want to find joy for both myself and Elizabeth, and Joshua, you have been a great source of joy for us. I know I speak for both of us that we truly hope that things can continue the way they are.”
And then she smiled up at him, and squeezed his hand. “And if things c
ontinue to progress from there, then…I would be open to it. But I ask respectfully that you allow my heart time to adjust to the idea of someone who is not Micah taking a place in my life. I am not opposed to it, not any longer. Because I know that he would want me to be happy and safe, and because I know that he would want the best for me. Being all alone is not what would be best for me.”
Joshua let out a deep breath and smiled at her. “Well, it certainly was not what I had expected you to say, but I am not unhappy. Yes. Let’s continue on for now, and look toward a future, no matter what that might hold.”
And he drew her to his side and they looked out over the field as little Elizabeth ran and danced in the grass, the sunlight and the clouds causing the shadows along the ground to dance alongside of her, each quietly enjoying the other.
THE END
Bonus Story 15 of 20
A New Beginning
I am leaving my home. That’s all I can think as I stare out the window onto our small street for what I know will be the last time.
It is true that this was my decision. I knew what would happen when I answered the advertisement in ‘Hand and Heart’ magazine. I knew what would happen when I began corresponding with Mr. Adam Jennings of Santa Fe, New Mexico. I knew that eventually, he would ask me to join him there. To become his wife.
I knew all this but that doesn’t make my departure any easier. I look down from the window and try my best to focus on packing my small satchel. I will not take much with me. Three dresses, a hairbrush and my Bible.
Mama offered to give me some of the photographs she had had taken two years ago, but I declined. As difficult as it is to leave home, I know I cannot drag any memories of the happy life I once lived here with me, without bringing the painful ones.
It is too painful to consider, even now. No one else seems to understand my distress. Not even my parents.
After all, it has been two years since Frank broke our engagement. One year since he married Charlotte Merton from the large estate in town.
Everyone, it seems, is waiting for me to come out of this state of mourning for my lost life. My lost love. Even my mother has told me more than once that my moping is unbecoming.
Sunlight and Shadows Page 47