by Renee Porter
I thought sex would feel good. Everyone says it does but describing this feeling as ‘good’ was not exactly the feeling I had when I felt El slide against me. She was warm and slick and my god, I couldn’t keep my eyes off her grinding into me if I tried. She was as sexy as she was beautiful and when she opened her mouth to moan her orgasm I finally tumbled over with her.
And when we finally rested and woke up, we came with the tide over and over again, allowing the summer night and each other to warm our bodies.
Chapter 14
The end of July brought another half summer gone. In less than a month, I would be in Santa Barbara and El? Well she would be anywhere the wheels took her.
I would find her often, sitting out by the pool or on the grass strumming her guitar and writing down lyrics. Sometimes, she would sing to me – it was cheesy really, something she would make up then and there, but I didn’t quite mind. She knew that by the end of the song I’d be dragging her up to her room to show her just how cheesy I thought she was.
We didn’t talk about the impending end. Any time someone would bring it up we would try and change the subject. El and I had a mutual understanding.
If we ignored it things would stay the same.
But even though we both loved to believe it, we knew it wasn’t the truth. We weren’t kids anymore – we were no longer the children who strived for the hot guy to notice them, who yearned for one small peck of a kiss from their crush. Instead, we were adults, with a future full of plans
Okay, and maybe still striving for another small peck from their crush.
Please don’t go. You’re killing me…it feels so goooood.” I rolled my shoulders as El stepped away from behind me. She flexed her fingers and cracked them for good measure.
“You’re tense, like a rock. It literally feels like I just massaged a rock.” I sat looking into El’s mirror at the dirty blonde. Her eyes held such amusement and laughter. How much longer would I get to see that? “What’s wrong?”
I shook my head and smiled. It was August. Before, I could say that I started school in August. Now I would have to say this month. Soon it will be in three weeks, then two, then one.
A million memories already flooded my head. We had a mutual agreement though. This summer was the summer for me and El. One last hurrah.
We were friends who had amazing chemistry.
We were friends who needed to show each other how much we could care.
We were friends who ended up being girlfriends – but only for a few months.
I was a friend who, begrudgingly, was falling in love with my best friend.
“I’m just stressed. Lorissa quit, Lacey is saying that the store isn’t doing well. Mom hasn’t had a client in well over a month and Dad’s been having to work overtime for the last two weeks. I feel like this whole adult thing is sneaking up faster than expected.” I rubbed my face with my hands trying to have a sense of composure. For the most part, summer has been about hanging with friends, kissing and making love – the actual real world had seemed so far off until today.
El wrapped her arms around my shoulders and kissed my neck. My body immediately responded and I allowed her to place a few more before saying she had to go.
And that was another thing that was not very fair.
El was leaving early. Okay, not for very long but she was leaving. There were a few contracts she had to sign for the ‘official’ tour that needed her back with her band mates in Seattle. She’d be gone for only three days and we tried to make it seem like it was a good idea. But El lagging behind and me only feeling the dread of not having her around told a different story.
I think we were in deep shit.
“You’re sure you have to go? They can’t just fax you the copies? Or email them?”
El shouldered her overnight bag and shook her head. “They need to see them signed in person. Plus, it will be good, you know? I get to see my mom for a few days. Then I’m back.” El smiled. I frowned.
“And then you’re gone.” El side glanced at me and opened her mouth to say something but thought better of it.
“Come on, drive me to the airport so you could give me a proper goodbye kiss. I’ll be back before you know it.”
I begrudgingly did as my summer girlfriend asked. And as I dropped her off at LAX and hugged her long enough for the security guard to tell me I had to finally move my car, I watched El leave me behind.
But it was only for three days.
Fuck my life.
***
I was in trouble. Massive amounts of trouble. It had only been two days since El left and one more until I saw her again.
Justin had asked me over to hang out with him and Madison (on again) but then Madison couldn’t make it (off again), so instead Summer and Bryce (on again) and Langston and his vodka (on again) made it an official hang out.
It was obvious to see that the group was changing some. Justin no longer chugged his beer so fast as if it were a race. Summer was actually drinking wine and Bryce was drinking water. Langston, well, he didn’t change much at all.
To my credit I didn’t touch a single drop of alcohol. Although I did find it inviting to feel numb for the next day until El got back.
“It’s like you’re a shell of a person when she’s not around.” Justin pointed out. Summer nodded her head like she understood. Maybe she did though. Maybe she felt that way about Bryce.
“I’m fine. See? Smiling.” I forced a smile and lifted my middle finger to my cousin. Truth was I just wanted to lay in bed all day and forget about the world.
“You’re in love with her then?” Summer asked as if it were the most normal thing in the world. To my credit, I didn’t pass out. I didn’t pass out because I was too much in my head screaming “YES!” while forcing my mind to say “no way.”
“El is great. But love – that’s strong, don’t you think?” I didn’t make eye contact. Justin always told me I was a horrible liar when trying to make eye contact. “Let’s not talk about that though. How about we talk about…”
“How summer is almost ending?” Fuck. You. Langston.
I decided that I was in no hurry to talk about that so I got up and went inside. Trying to find something to do, anything to do, I regaled to helping my Aunt clean up the dishes in the sink. It wasn’t more than two minutes later that Justin came in and settled his hip against the counter.
“Have you talked to her yet?” I kept my mouth shut. Maybe if I ignored him, he’d go away. “You can’t just shut me out you know. I’ll still be here.”
“Nothing to talk about, Justin. It is what it is.”
“Why do you think that? You can always do long distance.” My eyes started tear up and I looked at him.
“Really? You would recommend having a long distance relationship, Justin?” I dared him and he backed down. I knew Justin would never do that again. His relationship with Madison was great at first but the hours between them got in the way. They were hardly even friends anymore.
“Okay I get it, but, God, Jay – you’re breaking down here and she’s only been gone three days.”
I sniffled. “Two.” I lifted my head toward the ceiling. “Justin, I don’t feel right without her. And I started this knowing what the end of summer would bring. I was just so excited to be with her that I didn’t think of how I would feel to leave her.” I shook my head. “It feels like she pulled me from drowning but I still can’t take a deep enough breath to feel saved.”
Justin gripped my shoulder and hugged me. “Maybe it’ll be different for you.”
“She’s my best friend, Justin. More than anything she’s that.”
He understood what I was saying. He understood that I couldn’t risk something long distance if it meant risking her friendship.
“Then enjoy it now. And you should because she just walked through the door.” He gave me a small smile and turned me around. El tilted her head, noticing right away I had been crying, but I didn’t care.
&nb
sp; “You’re back,” I breathed. And the butterflies that I was sure would eventually leave fluttered through my body as I ran and hugged her. Justin was right, I’d enjoy this for as long as I’d have it. Even if summer was coming to an end.
Chapter 15
I looked down at my watch as I waited for El to gather the last of her things. My own bag was packed and in the trunk of the car.
It took some convincing but my mom allowed me to spend my last night in town with El at Madison’s beach house. One last fling with the lady, Justin said and gave me a crooked grin. They were on again.
So after the goodbye to my mom, and her promising she would meet me at the dorms tomorrow afternoon, I could officially say it.
Today was the last day of summer.
El, made the bed and fluffed the pillows where our heads lay just hours before. The bathroom left no trace that she was even there and her closet was bare of everything aside from one jacket which she left every summer.
“Are you ready?” El adjusted the strap on her bag and I nodded with a tight smile. I wanted her to know that I was strong. That it bugged me a little bit that she was leaving but that I was old enough to understand that this was just a fling.
Because that’s what we had mutually agreed on.
“Ready,” I said. I watched as El placed her bag in her car and I hopped into the passenger seat. We decided to spend every second possible together, so El was going to drop me off at the train station to see me off to SB. While I was going to watch her drive away to pursue her own dreams; without me.
“Hey, why are you so quiet?” She asked. I could tell that maybe this wasn’t as easy on her either. But that could have been my wishful thinking.
“You know. Just nervous about school starting and summer ending. I hate this time of year.”
I looked out the window as she agreed, talking about something here and there, trying to keep my mind occupied. When we pulled up to Madison’s a little before sunset, she grabbed my bags and brought them inside. I was expecting to already see the gang there but they were still late.
“Didn’t Justin say he was on his way?” El smirked at me, placed our bags down in the guest room and re-emerged.
“Yeah – I told him to lie about the hangout. I kind of just wanted it to be you and me tonight. Is that okay?”
My eyes watered but I bit back the biting tears. I smiled and tilted my head. “Of course, I wouldn’t trade that for the world.”
It was the truth but my words were forced. I wanted to tell her not to leave. I wanted to ask her to come to Santa Barbara with me. I wanted to tell her that I loved her as more than any other person can love another human being.
But instead, I just kissed her and we head outside, to watch the sunset one last time.
As the light receded to nothing but a dark purple, El grabbed my hand and twirled me around. It had been one of the most romantic nights of my life. She whispered how much fun she had with me this summer. How thankful she was that we were in each other’s lives, how much she wished that I could come with her.
“I love you,” was the last thing she said. I closed my eyes hard but the tears came just the same.
“I love you, too.” I smiled even though my heart was breaking.
“Let’s make it work, Jayce. Let’s try it.” I pulled back from El. I wanted to say okay, and that we would make it work because we were us and not them. But then Justin came to mind and my smile faded.
“You’re my best friend,” I wiped the tears coming from her eyes and her sad smile already told me that she understood. “I can’t lose that, El. And if it doesn’t work…” I shook my head. “I would rather have you in my life as a friend…than out of my life as something more.”
El nodded as she sighed, kissing me passionately. We had this night at least, one more night of us. One more night until our summer ended.
Chapter 16
It’s strange how at first you feel like it’s impossible to live with a shattered heart. But as time moves forward, each piece is mended back together slowly and you eventually learn to pass through the days with not being so broken.
The only problem is, it’s never the same. Just like a shattered glass being put together, you know that it will never be as pure as it was originally. There are scratches and small fragments missing. Maybe those fragments get lost forever. Maybe those fragments get carried away with whoever broke it in the first place.
My first summer back from college was the first summer that actually feel like it lasted forever. El had not come back that summer, and I wasn’t very surprised about it either. Although I had hoped that the change of tides would bring her back to our place, it never did. She was full steam ahead with the band and had every right to be. She had gained a nice following and although I wish I could say I was a fan, sometimes it was even too difficult to hear her voice through lyrics.
Summer had decided to stay back at college where she was already in an internship for corporate psychology. Believe me, I was surprised too.
Justin, Bryce and Langston were the only ones that were able to stay for most of the summer. As I watched the boys cannonball into Justin’s pool, I half expected to hear the laughter of El coming from behind me. A tickling of her fingers on my neck and her whispering something in my ear. It’s then that I felt those missing pieces of my heart – but we were in contact like we always said we would be.
Although it wasn’t exactly the same.
At first, it had felt like nothing had changed. We spoke every morning and night. We had been through the ups and downs of my first semester and the craziness of the first few months of her tour.
But then things started to change. As the time zones changed I found myself missing her calls. Her late nights didn’t allow me to even call her back. We kept missing each other, always.
Maybe that was always our problem.
And then, as we missed each other’s calls, it became apparent that they were also becoming more sporadic. We touched base about once a month now, only through social media. The last I heard she was dating the guy who was managing them. It still stings when I think about it, but I guess that’s how life goes.
The second summer wasn’t as bad. I had spent that summer mainly going out to the eighteen and older clubs to pass the time. Now or Never had closed down and moved to a different mall, which left me to work in the library. Bryce had found a job near his college and decided to stay with his friends. Langston stayed in Florida – he had been caught driving drunk and got off easy with community service and probation. The only catch was he couldn’t leave the state.
I heard from someone who knew someone that Summer was dating a senior from Washington State. The thought of Washington made me think of Seattle and immediately my thoughts went to El.
We hadn’t talked in a few months. I could hardly keep up with what city she was in let alone the craziness of being on tour. She was still with the manager. I guess he treated her nice, so that was a plus.
Still hurt, but a little less.
By the third summer it was apparent that everything had changed. Justin, and the rest of the gang had graduated and all held steady full time jobs where they had gone to school. El, was still blazing a trail across the US and Canada, but we hadn’t spoken for over a year. Every now and then I would ‘like’ a picture she posted but I gathered she was no longer managing her social media site. I had called a few times to see how she was but it went straight to voicemail. She had tried a few times as well, but, I let it go straight to voicemail.
Still hurt, but now it was just a numb pain.
***
The best thing about being twenty-one and going into your senior year of college was that the world was your oyster.
“Come with us, please! It’s gonna be so hot!” Julia danced and snapped her fingers while talking a sip of her iced coffee.
And that oyster was about to get baked in the Ventura sun.
“Really? The Warped Tour? Do you know how hot
Ventura is in the middle of summer?”
“It’s by the beach,” Andrew said with a slight valley accent.
“Exactly, so the rays of the sun will bake us twice over, once they hit us and then when they reflect off the water.”
“I thought you loved the beach and summer?”
I did. I had. I still might – it just wasn’t the same. Maybe my personality was changing. Maybe I thought that wearing a jacket on a cool night was better than shedding your clothes to stay cool in the middle of June. Shit, now I was thinking of El.
“I’m just not into the music playing these days. And I don’t have the money.”
“Lucky for you, I have an extra ticket. And you only have to pay for half of the hotel money. It’s a win-win Jay. Just say yes, you don’t have to like the music. It’s all for living in the moment.”
Every summer I had told myself I was going to try something new. Last year it was a one night stand, the year before that it was actually kissing someone while not thinking about El, and the year before that it was just surviving without her.
I guess that this year could be moving on completely.
“Okay fine. You got me.” The group hollered and started to make plans.
The Warped Tour was a two day music event located in Ventura, California. Sponsored by Vans, they placed stages all around the Ventura Fair Grounds where various music groups would play. From what I found out there were two “Big Stages” and then a few smaller ones throughout the grounds. The “Big Stages” were reserved for the more mainstream bands. The smaller ones allowed for groups to get noticed or just play for their fans.
To say that it was hot was an understatement. Mid July, noon and I was already melting. My friends had a list of bands that they wanted to see and I just wanted a damn water.
“Hey, I’m gonna head over here for a bit. You guys go do whatever and meet me back here in a few hours?”